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Bikini Mod
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This post has been swirling around in my head for several days now… I feel ready to share it with you all.
On the eve of the finalization of my impending divorce I want to thank ALL of the board members for their support. So many of you have PM’d, emailed, posted on my threads – the help and support was overwhelming. I can’t tell you guys how many times I logged on and asked for help, and it came – IN DROVES – LOL! I don’t think that I could ever even BEGIN to repay you all. Perhaps by me sharing my thoughts, it will bring a bit of happiness to your day to know that because you took the time to share your wisdom or give words of comfort and inspiration – IT MADE A HYUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MET! Ultimately, my children will be the greatest beneficiaries of your self-less kindness – as a mother this means more to me than ANYTHING!
See, I believe in karma. I believe that each one of us is like a pebble so small and seemingly insignificant in the waters of life. But are we really? The way we choose to live our lives creates ripples that in turn touches the lives of those around us, and so on. … so many lives will be impacted by our behaviors and feelings; some which we will know about, but so many more that we will NEVER have knowledge of….
My world came crashing down around me one year ago – 2001 was a tumultuous year filled with confusion, terror, and pain beyond the scope of anything that I had ever known. I spent so many nights on my kitchen floor, huddled in a corner aching with such deep pain that I couldn’t even describe the noises that escaped me as crying. No, the sounds were not even human…. So many days spent in a fog, my actions and thoughts didn’t even seem like they were my own. I behaved in a fashion that was so contrary to all that I had come to know about myself that I DIDN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME!
Now through all the ugliness of bitter disappointment and hate, rejection, vindictive lashouts I have come to see that perhaps THE BEST way to end a marriage is in a similar fashion with which it was begun: IN LOVE. Before you all believe me to have COMPLETELY lost my mind, take a deep breath and follow my train of thought. OF COURSE, it would have been best for my children if my ex and I could’ve BOTH had the guts to work through our pain and face our demons TOGETHER, but this was not in the master plan for us.
So many times you hear people say, “Well I don’t COMPLETELY regret that relationship…. If it wasn’t for the relationship, then I wouldn’t have my child(ren).” Yes, I had said it many times myself. But guess what? This statement is incorrect. I have come to realize that MY MARRIAGE WAS NOT BAD – IT WAS A GOOD THING. If I did not marry the man that I did, I would NOT BE WHO I AM TODAY! I am not perfect, but hey, I have finally come to accept myself: flaws and all….. I am PRETTY FUCKING GROOVY! The children that were born of this union are only a WONDERFUL ADDITIONAL BLESSING! Our girls will bind my ex and I together FOREVER. So, if I DO NOT LET GO OF ALL THE PAIN AND HURT then my children WILL SUFFER – PERIOD.
My ex was NOT a scumbag. He was NOT a bad guy. If he was so terrible then I would not have stayed married to him for so long and I certainly would NEVER have had 4 children with him. Bottom line is that we were drawn to each other for a reason – A GOOD REASON – because we loved each other very much…. But the more experienced we become in life, the more we realize that LOVE just isn’t enough… It takes so much more to make it work… and it has to come FROM BOTH ENDS.
I have come to a place now, where I have forgiven my ex for all that he has done…. (Heck, I even told him that I have forgiven him for things he HASN’T EVEN DONE YET!) Have I FORGOTTEN these things? No, but I bear no ill will. I am not saying that when we hit the lawyer’s office to discuss how to settle (custody, etc is NO LONGER an issue THANK GOD) the dollars and cents of it all that I will lay down and just waltz through the daisies, but I will let superfluous bullshit GO – if it will help him to see that I have BOTH of our best interests at heart…. Hence, the best interest of and THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY MATTERS – OUR GIRLS.
I even have the perfect divorce gift for my ex. Of course, I will only give it to him once the ink is dry because I don’t want him to misunderstand that the gift is some last ditch effort to “butter him up”… it is not. It is a rectangular candle which sits on a frame (four corners = four children) resembling a bed – to symbolize the marital bed. It has two wicks to symbolize two lives burning independently, yet still forever connected. And I will glue four butterflies to the frame, one to each corner. The butterflies symbolize our girls (I gave him the CD with the song “Butterfly Kisses” for Father’s Day one year so both he and our girls have come to view their relationship in this fashion). The candle will be white as my intentions for him are only the purest. I will tell him to burn the candle if he ever feels hurt, confused, and alone in the world and think about how much our girls love him and for him to try and draw on the strength of that love.
Perhaps someday he and I will become the friends that we NEVER were while we were husband and wife – maybe not. But this is truly my hope. I did so much enjoy his company once. He is such a bright and decent man and though he has so much within him that needs to heal, I have faith that for the sake of our most precious girls he will be able to face these things and reconcile them. I spent thirteen years trying to help him with this…now I have come to realize that this is NOT MY PLACE. This is something that he must do himself. But I CAN help by CHANGING HOW I LOOK AT MYSELF….
The date will be February 14… coincidentally it will be thirteen years to the day that we became engaged. I am very hopefull because – NOT IN SPITE of this…. WHAT BETTER WAY TO END ONE PHASE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP (legal and so truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things) AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO BEGIN A NEW PHASE (the only phase that is TRULY IMPORTANT – AS PARENTS DEDICATED TO THE GOOD OF THEIR CHILDREN) THAN WITH LOVE?!
I have come to realize that if I out and out GIVE MY CHILDREN “PERMISSION” AND OPENLY FASCILITATE THEM TO FREELY LOVE THEIR FATHER REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I AM MARRIED TO HIM OR NOT – then I will give them so much more than I could ever have imagined.
Perhaps I am delusional and naïve….
But I think not…. This just feels waaaaaaaaaay too good!
Do I realize the road ahead will be difficult beyond the scope of anything that I have come to know? Absolutely! But now that I have finally done the work of looking deep within myself and faced that which I have been running from since I was barely 9 years old, I am no longer afraid.
See, God truly only gives you what you can handle. I have come to see that now I can handle just about anything. I no longer concern myself with where I am headed or even how I will necessarily get thier. There is too much day-to-day beauty and wonder occuring all around me to stress about it.
I have learned to ASK FOR and ACCEPT help.
I have come to LOVE MYSELF.
I have come to understand that I AM NOT ALONE…. MORE IMPORTANTLY - THAT I NEVER WAS! I had IMMENSE support from my friends and my family. But ultimately, I had to do THE WORK BY MYSELF and FOR MYSELF.
I am no more OR LESS amazing or special than anyone else……. We can ALL turn negatives into positives. It is only a question of believing in ourselves. If we believe that we can accomplish it, and we have the courage to try…. Than how can we EVER TRULY FAIL?
Thank you to all at Elite.
And a most special thank you for pointing out that sleepy star... without you, I may never have seen it. I have come to realize that you NEVER ONCE abandoned me or broke your word to me. You only wanted me to find it all out for myself so that I could truly "own" it.
Won't you let me help you see all that which shines within you?!
On the eve of the finalization of my impending divorce I want to thank ALL of the board members for their support. So many of you have PM’d, emailed, posted on my threads – the help and support was overwhelming. I can’t tell you guys how many times I logged on and asked for help, and it came – IN DROVES – LOL! I don’t think that I could ever even BEGIN to repay you all. Perhaps by me sharing my thoughts, it will bring a bit of happiness to your day to know that because you took the time to share your wisdom or give words of comfort and inspiration – IT MADE A HYUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN MET! Ultimately, my children will be the greatest beneficiaries of your self-less kindness – as a mother this means more to me than ANYTHING!
See, I believe in karma. I believe that each one of us is like a pebble so small and seemingly insignificant in the waters of life. But are we really? The way we choose to live our lives creates ripples that in turn touches the lives of those around us, and so on. … so many lives will be impacted by our behaviors and feelings; some which we will know about, but so many more that we will NEVER have knowledge of….
My world came crashing down around me one year ago – 2001 was a tumultuous year filled with confusion, terror, and pain beyond the scope of anything that I had ever known. I spent so many nights on my kitchen floor, huddled in a corner aching with such deep pain that I couldn’t even describe the noises that escaped me as crying. No, the sounds were not even human…. So many days spent in a fog, my actions and thoughts didn’t even seem like they were my own. I behaved in a fashion that was so contrary to all that I had come to know about myself that I DIDN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME!
Now through all the ugliness of bitter disappointment and hate, rejection, vindictive lashouts I have come to see that perhaps THE BEST way to end a marriage is in a similar fashion with which it was begun: IN LOVE. Before you all believe me to have COMPLETELY lost my mind, take a deep breath and follow my train of thought. OF COURSE, it would have been best for my children if my ex and I could’ve BOTH had the guts to work through our pain and face our demons TOGETHER, but this was not in the master plan for us.
So many times you hear people say, “Well I don’t COMPLETELY regret that relationship…. If it wasn’t for the relationship, then I wouldn’t have my child(ren).” Yes, I had said it many times myself. But guess what? This statement is incorrect. I have come to realize that MY MARRIAGE WAS NOT BAD – IT WAS A GOOD THING. If I did not marry the man that I did, I would NOT BE WHO I AM TODAY! I am not perfect, but hey, I have finally come to accept myself: flaws and all….. I am PRETTY FUCKING GROOVY! The children that were born of this union are only a WONDERFUL ADDITIONAL BLESSING! Our girls will bind my ex and I together FOREVER. So, if I DO NOT LET GO OF ALL THE PAIN AND HURT then my children WILL SUFFER – PERIOD.
My ex was NOT a scumbag. He was NOT a bad guy. If he was so terrible then I would not have stayed married to him for so long and I certainly would NEVER have had 4 children with him. Bottom line is that we were drawn to each other for a reason – A GOOD REASON – because we loved each other very much…. But the more experienced we become in life, the more we realize that LOVE just isn’t enough… It takes so much more to make it work… and it has to come FROM BOTH ENDS.
I have come to a place now, where I have forgiven my ex for all that he has done…. (Heck, I even told him that I have forgiven him for things he HASN’T EVEN DONE YET!) Have I FORGOTTEN these things? No, but I bear no ill will. I am not saying that when we hit the lawyer’s office to discuss how to settle (custody, etc is NO LONGER an issue THANK GOD) the dollars and cents of it all that I will lay down and just waltz through the daisies, but I will let superfluous bullshit GO – if it will help him to see that I have BOTH of our best interests at heart…. Hence, the best interest of and THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY MATTERS – OUR GIRLS.
I even have the perfect divorce gift for my ex. Of course, I will only give it to him once the ink is dry because I don’t want him to misunderstand that the gift is some last ditch effort to “butter him up”… it is not. It is a rectangular candle which sits on a frame (four corners = four children) resembling a bed – to symbolize the marital bed. It has two wicks to symbolize two lives burning independently, yet still forever connected. And I will glue four butterflies to the frame, one to each corner. The butterflies symbolize our girls (I gave him the CD with the song “Butterfly Kisses” for Father’s Day one year so both he and our girls have come to view their relationship in this fashion). The candle will be white as my intentions for him are only the purest. I will tell him to burn the candle if he ever feels hurt, confused, and alone in the world and think about how much our girls love him and for him to try and draw on the strength of that love.
Perhaps someday he and I will become the friends that we NEVER were while we were husband and wife – maybe not. But this is truly my hope. I did so much enjoy his company once. He is such a bright and decent man and though he has so much within him that needs to heal, I have faith that for the sake of our most precious girls he will be able to face these things and reconcile them. I spent thirteen years trying to help him with this…now I have come to realize that this is NOT MY PLACE. This is something that he must do himself. But I CAN help by CHANGING HOW I LOOK AT MYSELF….
The date will be February 14… coincidentally it will be thirteen years to the day that we became engaged. I am very hopefull because – NOT IN SPITE of this…. WHAT BETTER WAY TO END ONE PHASE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP (legal and so truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things) AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO BEGIN A NEW PHASE (the only phase that is TRULY IMPORTANT – AS PARENTS DEDICATED TO THE GOOD OF THEIR CHILDREN) THAN WITH LOVE?!
I have come to realize that if I out and out GIVE MY CHILDREN “PERMISSION” AND OPENLY FASCILITATE THEM TO FREELY LOVE THEIR FATHER REGARDLESS OF WHETHER I AM MARRIED TO HIM OR NOT – then I will give them so much more than I could ever have imagined.
Perhaps I am delusional and naïve….
But I think not…. This just feels waaaaaaaaaay too good!
Do I realize the road ahead will be difficult beyond the scope of anything that I have come to know? Absolutely! But now that I have finally done the work of looking deep within myself and faced that which I have been running from since I was barely 9 years old, I am no longer afraid.
See, God truly only gives you what you can handle. I have come to see that now I can handle just about anything. I no longer concern myself with where I am headed or even how I will necessarily get thier. There is too much day-to-day beauty and wonder occuring all around me to stress about it.
I have learned to ASK FOR and ACCEPT help.
I have come to LOVE MYSELF.
I have come to understand that I AM NOT ALONE…. MORE IMPORTANTLY - THAT I NEVER WAS! I had IMMENSE support from my friends and my family. But ultimately, I had to do THE WORK BY MYSELF and FOR MYSELF.
I am no more OR LESS amazing or special than anyone else……. We can ALL turn negatives into positives. It is only a question of believing in ourselves. If we believe that we can accomplish it, and we have the courage to try…. Than how can we EVER TRULY FAIL?
Thank you to all at Elite.
And a most special thank you for pointing out that sleepy star... without you, I may never have seen it. I have come to realize that you NEVER ONCE abandoned me or broke your word to me. You only wanted me to find it all out for myself so that I could truly "own" it.
Won't you let me help you see all that which shines within you?!
