Anxiety over in-laws reaction over my recent weight loss...

[CatOwner1966]

Lately, I've been very afraid over how my in-laws will treat me when they see me for the first time post weight-loss etc(I havent seen them since late January since I've lost the weight and toned up ).They are very bullyish and manipulative and downright cruel(Especially my MIL,FIL & SIL). I have told my husband that I cannot be around them very much anymore because of how nosey and opinionated they are. Did I also mention that most of them are obese? Yep. Sadly they do not care. I'm trying my hardest to deal with the anxiety and sadness that has come over me lately because I know how they are. The mother and sister have a big jealousy problem as it is and the father is just plain insecure which is why he knocks me down most likely to make himself feel better. I didn't have a tremendous about of weight to lose, just 20 pounds of body fat and now I'm pretty much close to the size that I was when he first introduced me to him 8 years ago and boy! I remember how vicious they were to me back then. Long,long story. They are the most backwards and insensitive bunch of clods I've ever met in my entire life and yes, My marriage could be at serious risk if hubby doesnt step in and put them in thier place soon. He hasn't done it yet and YES! I've talked to him several times in that 8-year time period(Still do). Wish my parents were still alive Has anyone else here had this or something like this happen to you(with in-laws or anyone else you know) because you lost the weight? Just wondering...

Anyway, Sorry for the whining and thank you for listening. I just needed to vent.
Sherri

P.S.: Just in case you're wondering, Here are the in-laws ad this is what I'm dealing with:

Father in law(Who tries to psychologically manipulate me and cuts me down):
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/Chuck2.jpg


Mother in Law(Left, Who stares me up and down every time I see her and sends cakes & breads home with her son(My husband) and tells him to make sure I try them):

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/JoanNMike.jpg


And finally the sister in law who bullies, puts me down and also tries to psychologically manipulate me(By the way, If I'm around her and I don't have my wedding ring on(Like when I'm cooking something etc.), she'll ask why I'm not wearing it. Her and the mother talk on the phone alot and have little "Family meetings" to make sure things get done like my getting married(Like that was any of thier business) to thier son/brother. Like they even gave a shit about him before I came into the picture):

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/TerHoldinUpGlass.jpg

 

[Raina]

Do you have to go? I wouldn't if my husband wasn't going to stand up for me. Marriage is about friendship and I couldn't handle it if his family treated me like dirt and he just stood for it.

You should be proud of yourself for your progress. Easier said than done, but screw what they think. If you taking care of yourself makes them more insecure that's their problem. But there's no reason you should have to hang around to be mistreated.

 

[bran987]

where is your progress thread?

 

[Razorguns]

How did u lose the weight?

OMG, that's family has drama written all over it. Eek.

 

[jdynasty]

oh, geez, tell them to just stfu, I mean after all he has to go home with you

 

[nycgirl]

where is your progress thread?

She joined this month. Do you want her to post before and after pics to prove the lost?

 

[BrothaBill]

Dont let them get to you, then they win. Be strong, find zen and meditate, find inner peace and you'll realize all of this anxiety is created in your head. Then live your life doing good karma things for people in situations worse off than yours and you'll realize how insignificant all of this.
Volunteer to help with hospice care and work care for people who are dying, you'll be doing something good and itll help you realize whats really important in life, not some opinionated inlaws. I mean who really cares what they think anyhow, take control of your life and tell them in adult firm manner when they do things like that. Talk to them as an adult and say a zen statement, something to jar them out of their reality.

Like wow, you know that really hurts me when you say that. It moves them from child or parent form of communication to adult.
There are three forms psychologically of communication in one model.
The child, oh you are always this, its the whining. You acknowledge them and get them to move up to the adult form of communication. This is only where true communication takes place.
And then there is the adult form of communication where they tell you this is the way it should be. Your job is to move them from that mode of communicating into a place where they can hear what you are saying.
ITs about YOU guiding communication with your family and people around you. Dont pawn it off on your husband. That dog just wont hunt. Its up to you finally take control of your life and quit whining about it and feeling anxious about it. You see, you are in the child mode of communication and Im trying to move you into the adult mode of communication.
BY being an adult and talking to them directly, yourself, thats what it means to be an adult. They may not be acting like an adult either so its your job to make them act like adults. Trust me, youll be happier, its all zen if you do that

 

[jackangel]

1)your progress is a great thing (however much it is). you should feel
good about it. good enough to not sweat these freaks. you must.

2)fuck these peeps.

3)definitely don't go. if you do, let your husband know that you won't
deal with the shit. but i don't think you want to put them in their
fatty fat places. so, definitely don't go.

4)keep making progress. look perfect. let them die inside (jelusy) and stuff.

5)figure out where exactly your husband's head is in this bullshit. since it's
his family, he should intercede on your behalf, or at least be willing to. if
he isn't, that's a shortcoming of his. perhaps even a deal-breaker.

6)fuck their fat fucking selves.

7)^^^

 

[CatOwner1966]

Wow! Thank you all for your responses. Razorguns, I just took the advice of the owner of my gym and have been (and still) following the Eating For Life program along with working out. The weight didn't fall off overnight, but it did happen. Still have more work to do if I wanna look nearly as good as all of you do <wink>. Sorry Bran but I do not have a progress thread and didn't know that I needed to post recent photos to prove that I am not a fat pig making all of this up LOL. I will definetly have to take some photos soon although there's still some toning work to be done LOL

 

[RottenWillow]

They are the most backwards and insensitive bunch of clods I've ever met in my entire life and yes, My marriage could be at serious risk if hubby doesnt step in and put them in thier place soon. He hasn't done it yet and YES! I've talked to him several times in that 8-year time period(Still do). Wish my parents were still alive Has anyone else here had this or something like this happen to you(with in-laws or anyone else you know) because you lost the weight?

Amiga, you need an empowering mantra. Repeat this: "piss on those fat assholes". Seriously, say it out loud...."piss on those fat assholes". Clearly they are just jealous of you and felt more comfortable as you gained weight.

About your husband, either he is intimidated by them like you are, or he's just being an insensitive jerk. If he hasnt done it already, then you husband isnt going to stand up for you unless there is some sort of real consequence from you.

And I had a similar, but less intense experience with my fiance's grandmother. She used to make constant thinly veiled insults about me being mexican or having a fat ass. My fiance and his mom both told me to just ignore her, that's just "her way", and "she's always been like that with everyone". I took it for over a year, until I wanted to kill her. Finally, I very bluntly told her she was a rude, petty, immature, vapid old battleax. (I avoided profanity). She never again made any more insulting remarks.

 

[awol1]

congratulations! you have done an amazing job by losing this weight and you should be proud of yourself.

Do you know what I say about your anxiety about this situation? Normal! There is nothing wrong with feeling this way...now what do you have to do to stop it?

option one which is the best, but hardest to do is not go at all. i think that you are well within your right to simply refuse to go regarding their behavior and how they make you feel. but i get the sense you are doing this for your husband because you love him and i am sure the fact that your parents are unfortunatley not with you any longer weighs on your decision.

since you have conveyed your feelings to your husband, which I applaud, the reality is that you have done your part. it is up to him to make you feel comfortable, to literally say to his family "listen, my wife comes first and your comments are degrading and we refuse to tolerate this...if it does not stop, we will not visit you any more."

it is not your job to convey this to your in-laws. this is your husbands responsibility for many reasons, but most importantly this will show you that you indeed come first in his life and this could be an important step between the two of you.

it is easy for us to sit here and say "be strong, screw them." we are not you, we are not in your shoes. i honestly believe your husband is the only one who can fix this. i hope he sincerely understands the severity of this problem. i don't know you, and i don't know your personality. are you lenient? do you set "rules" only to let things slide later? he could be taking advantage of that, i cannot and will not committ to it being a conscious behavior or not, but i am just throwing out possibilities.

when you cut through this read, the bottom line is that you must put your foot down. no questions...what you are willing to take is up to you. personally, i think you have put up with enough.

 

[stilleto]

i agree with rottenwillow... you are above that behavior and they can say anything they want but it doesn't diminish who you are or what you've done. you should be proud of yourself and i think you are, which is great.

if they are negative, its because they are jealous or insecure or are lacking something in themselves that will let them open up being happy. it has nothing to do with you and all you can do is feel sorry for them, but don't take anything they say to heart.

 

[CatOwner1966]

congratulations! you have done an amazing job by losing this weight and you should be proud of yourself.

Do you know what I say about your anxiety about this situation? Normal! There is nothing wrong with feeling this way...now what do you have to do to stop it?


it is not your job to convey this to your in-laws. this is your husbands responsibility for many reasons, but most importantly this will show you that you indeed come first in his life and this could be an important step between the two of you.

it is easy for us to sit here and say "be strong, screw them." we are not you, we are not in your shoes. i honestly believe your husband is the only one who can fix this. i hope he sincerely understands the severity of this problem. i don't know you, and i don't know your personality. are you lenient? do you set "rules" only to let things slide later? he could be taking advantage of that, i cannot and will not committ to it being a conscious behavior or not, but i am just throwing out possibilities.

Thank you. That's exactly how i see it also. I'm glad someone understands.

 

[Raina]

As I was just telling someone today-- you teach people how to treat you. If you let them walk all over you, they will. There's no reason you should have to put up with that.

I think it's awesome that you've transformed yourself. I vote that you play it up extra too. Go all out. Get a manicure, do your hair extra nice, go in there feeling extra sexy. The best revenge is living well.

 

[Sub-Zero]

i made a post but it seems to have disappeared,


it basically said: you should never deal with abuse. dont let yourself get abused. either speak up for urself (tell them off), or just dont go

 

[jrlex]

Lately, I've been very afraid over how my in-laws will treat me when they see me for the first time post weight-loss etc(I havent seen them since late January since I've lost the weight and toned up ).They are very bullyish and manipulative and downright cruel(Especially my MIL,FIL & SIL). I have told my husband that I cannot be around them very much anymore because of how nosey and opinionated they are. Did I also mention that most of them are obese? Yep. Sadly they do not care. I'm trying my hardest to deal with the anxiety and sadness that has come over me lately because I know how they are. The mother and sister have a big jealousy problem as it is and the father is just plain insecure which is why he knocks me down most likely to make himself feel better. I didn't have a tremendous about of weight to lose, just 20 pounds of body fat and now I'm pretty much close to the size that I was when he first introduced me to him 8 years ago and boy! I remember how vicious they were to me back then. Long,long story. They are the most backwards and insensitive bunch of clods I've ever met in my entire life and yes, My marriage could be at serious risk if hubby doesnt step in and put them in thier place soon. He hasn't done it yet and YES! I've talked to him several times in that 8-year time period(Still do). Wish my parents were still alive Has anyone else here had this or something like this happen to you(with in-laws or anyone else you know) because you lost the weight? Just wondering...

Anyway, Sorry for the whining and thank you for listening. I just needed to vent.
Sherri

P.S.: Just in case you're wondering, Here are the in-laws ad this is what I'm dealing with:

Father in law(Who tries to psychologically manipulate me and cuts me down):
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/Chuck2.jpg


Mother in Law(Left, Who stares me up and down every time I see her and sends cakes & breads home with her son(My husband) and tells him to make sure I try them):

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/JoanNMike.jpg


And finally the sister in law who bullies, puts me down and also tries to psychologically manipulate me(By the way, If I'm around her and I don't have my wedding ring on(Like when I'm cooking something etc.), she'll ask why I'm not wearing it. Her and the mother talk on the phone alot and have little "Family meetings" to make sure things get done like my getting married(Like that was any of thier business) to thier son/brother. Like they even gave a shit about him before I came into the picture):

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/CatLover66/TerHoldinUpGlass.jpg

Try having a dry sarcastic sence of humor. and if they ever come at you for saying something rude or incensative your reply should ALWAYS be "I'm just sharing." My ex used to say that and it used to piss me off!!! I got baack at her when I told her I was breaking up with her.

 

[CatOwner1966]

The sad and scary thing is that they are a large family(hubby is the youngest of 5) but like I've said before, The worst of them are the mother,father and sister. Raina, I know in my heart that you are right. I've always had a difficult time with confrontations with this family only because they are very quick-tempered and God knows what they would do if I let them know I am pissed. They would then think of even concievable back-stabbing thing that they could do to me. After all, I'm that "Little hoochie mama cutsie petite little gold digging spoiled jew whore who's a serious airhead". Yep.

 

[CatOwner1966]

By the way, This is how I feel right now: