All this obsessiveness has cost me

[p60]

im finally waking up and realizing what everyone has been telling me about how messed up i am, and that i would be a lot happier off if i didnt think or worry so much about everything.

anyways here is the problem:

for the first month of college, i've had a horrible experience. tons of stress, tons of anxiety, depression. each day I basically sit around for hours trying to sort out all my thoughts on paper, or think thoughts rappidly through my mind and what not.

on top of all of this i ended up on quite possibly the worst floor ever, with only 8 freshmen, half of them really annoy me, the other half are gone a lot, and theres 7 upper classmen who are either shut-ins or gone.

but anyways i've wasted a lot of time pretty much in the first month, sitting around depressed, thinking, writing, etc. i basically have locked myself away from everyone in the first month of my freshman year, i simply could not let go of my thoughts.

anyways, im startin to realize i have some serious mental health issues. and i want it all to stop now, even if it means i end up standing far away from perfect.

the only problem is:
because of my issues, breakdowns, anxiety attacks, depressions, and avoiding ppl to be by myself and such I:

1) ended up missing half of orientation
2) havent tried to get to the few decent ppl on my floor when they're around. Also havent visited others floors at all really, or friends in other floors
3) havent shown up to any of the clubs i signed up for
4) havent talked to ppl in my classes that much, and infact am behind in many classes, and my grades are starting to suffer.

pretty much it feels like i've lost everything. i had a bad 4 years of high school, and i expected college to be my opportunity to turn it right around, but i got off on a really wrong foot, and i feel absolutely horrible about it, like theres no hope, and the opening window where everyone is friendly and wants friends is gone.
like ppl are already forming groups and such, and i pretty much have no one.

many times, because this has been so hard on me, i've debated the idea of quitting in the middle of my semester, losing the money,
and starting up again next year, giving some time for these issues to blow over.

Basically I'm just a person who wants to live on an okay floor, have a fair share of friends that i meet from the places i go, have ppl that i can do stuff with for fun, and have close friends that i can trust a lot.
i also wanted a clean start to lead into all of this, and to have no negative memories or bad starts like i did in highschool. but its too late for that.
i feel like im scarred, and honestly i want another shot at this, a clean college slate. i want to be a freshman at orientation, not worrying and loving it again. life wasnt happy in high school, and it was supposed to get happy here, and now that i started off wrong, it could take a long time before it does get happy.

although i really want to quit bad, because it never seems like life did exactly what i didnt want it to do,
i know that i can interract just fine during the first few weeks, and that i could have a ton of fun if i just started off on the right foot. thats why i really want to start over badly, because then i would finally get what i want and win in life.

But, I know that if I stay I'm going to try really hard to put an end to all of this obsessing nonsense, and that i'm going to stick around and try really hard to remedy this situation, find cool friends, and be a happy person.

i guess my question is:

if i stay, do you guys have any ideas for how I can flip this around? how I can find friends that are real fun to hang out with, not the nerdy style, but not the popular get drunk style, like the intellectual cool ppl in between. I myself am the more moral/value type person, as in i dont get into things like alcohol, weed, or premarital sex. partying is cool, i just wont engage in those kinds of activities there.

but anyways,
do you guys have any ideas for ways that i can forget about my horrible start, and to really flip the mood around?

It just feels like nothing i can do is going to feel as good as it would have if i had started off on the right foot.

 

[Code]

Honestly man, you need professional help. No one on this board can give you the help you need, and even if someone could, text based media will never accomplish what a good face to face session can.

I never ever see you post anything that isn't depression or problem related.

 

[p60]

Honestly man, you need professional help. No one on this board can give you the help you need, and even if someone could, text based media will never accomplish what a good face to face session can.

I never ever see you post anything that isn't depression or problem related.

code, its because im trying to stop coming on these boards regularly. i dont want it consuming my time in college, because i am bad enough with time as it is.

so the only time i come here is to ask for advice on things.

i am getting professional help right now, to deal with those problems,


i guess what im asking is, would it be best if I left college, and tried this again later,
or if u think i should stay, how do you suggest i turn this sea of depression into the well of joy I was hoping it to be?

 

[naturally anabolic]

college is what u make of it, if you are full of gloom and doom then the workload, paper writing and studying will crush u, learn to balance things, make sure all your work is done before friday so you can enjoy a nice long weekend of fun, meet people, socialize.

 

[Code]

code, its because im trying to stop coming on these boards regularly. i dont want it consuming my time in college, because i am bad enough with time as it is.

so the only time i come here is to ask for advice on things.

i am getting professional help right now, to deal with those problems,


i guess what im asking is, would it be best if I left college, and tried this again later,
or if u think i should stay, how do you suggest i turn this sea of depression into the well of joy I was hoping it to be?

I think college is important but not more important than your mental health.

If you feel not being in school is healthy, then quit.

 

[Robert Jan]

if you dont want to get into weed, alcohol and sex why are you even in college?

 

[Code]

if you dont want to get into weed, alcohol and sex why are you even in college?

I didn't do weed or even drink in college. A lot of people actually value education

 

[Pamela]

Life/College is what you make it..

I think as long as you want to turn something around you can..

Just think a lot of people never have the chance to even go to college.

Best of Luck

Pamela

 

[vinylgroover]

P60,

I want to try and help you. All the past bullshit aside, you're starting to concern me. I will PM you next week, i won't be on the boards over the weekend much but i want to try and help you if you're willing to give it a go, if nothing else than to give you ecouragement and maybe some pointers.

Sleep easy and we'll chat next week.

 

[Frackal]

P60 you need to find yourself man

 

[velvett]

P60

You may want to consider pulling out this semester if this is at all a possibility. You've got lose yourself to find yourself and you seem to be fighting that process.

A lot of people go through what you are going through right now just at different times of their lives.

Try and find someone to talk to and you may want to go to someone through the school so if there is a possiblity of pulling out they may be more supportive and you may get some money back.

Most of us are afraid to fail and even worse afraid not to be perfect but one day you realize failures aren't endings they are opportunities to do something differently and perfect is a direction to go in not a final goal.

Don't be afraid or ashamed of crumbling, it will be that very moment that you can start frrom the bottom and work yourself to where you need to be next.

 

[Fonz]

P60, you're going through the typical Univ. blues.

There are 3 things you can do:

1. Train
2. Study
3. Sleep

Come back 4 months later, ripped and with much
more confidence. THEN start socializing.

You have what I call BODY issues. Not mental health.
You're just not satisfied with your body and it shows.
(I have been following your posts these past 6 months)

BTW, University is 4 years. What do 4 months MATTER
in the large scheme of things? Nothing much.

If I were you I'd lean on your family for some help. Seems like
you need someone to talk to. Hell, talk to us. A lot
of us have been through the same type of scenario.

And please don't take the "mental problems" cop-out. Thats BS
and you know it. Take some initiative and write down your
goals and a schedule then STICK TO IT.

End of rant.

Fonz

 

[polarpixie]

This will be brief, but listen, and listen hard...

It just feels like nothing i can do is going to feel as good as it would have if i had started off on the right foot.

The cold hard fact is we all mess up in the beginning sometimes. I'm sure you've felt this way before, and will again in the future. Can you think of any times in your life that you were able to salvage what was left of a situation whether it's with people at home, school or work? I know you can think of at least one time. All is not lost just because you didn't behave the way you wanted to during the first week of school. Don't ever think that just because you 'screwed up', you're never going to be able to change things.

if i stay, do you guys have any ideas for how I can flip this around? how I can find friends that are real fun to hang out with, not the nerdy style, but not the popular get drunk style, like the intellectual cool ppl in between.

Start going to those clubs you signed up for. You will meet people with like interests and make friends naturally.


I hope things start looking up for you and you quit your negative ways of thinking.

 

[sereneman]

I'm not an expert on these things, so I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction, but you remind me somewhat of myself at that time in my life. It sounds like you have a problem with anxiety and thought processes. I would definitely seek professional help. There are medications that can help you turn things around if you need them. Do you have a hard time getting things started?

 

[HappyScrappy]

This isn't the dress rehearsal - this is your life. go out and live it.

if you think that what floor you live on for your first year of college has a major impact on your life outcome as a whole... well, you are gonna have a life full of disappointment ahead of you.
it is what you make of it - sit around and do nothing, and you will be very safe and avoid the painful intereactions of social life.
go out and talk to people and sure enough - some will be dicks, some won't like you for any number of reasons, and you will probably say some stupid shit that will make people wonder what the fuck is up with you - but that won't happen all the time and eventually you won't be like "oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit they are TALKING to ME!!!! they probably think I'M FAT - YES! they do, she'd just stopped and walked away, a sure sign that my BF% is too high." every time you go out.

if you want to have fun - go out and have fun. you are your own person, and you are living on your own now - go out and take control of your life. live the life you want.

personally, I think we all know the truth. you are a serial killer - you just haven't started killing yet. go kill some people, get it over with. then it will all be okay. if you are any good, then you won't get caught. if you suck at it (oh shit - more stuff to have anxiety over! are you the best serial killer that you can be?!) then you will go to jail.
and if you think that your floor this year in college sucks - wait until you see prison - all the floors over there suck.

seriously dude - you come on here, people tell you "dude, calm down, you need to calm down" and you never do.
so it has just become a fun train wreck to watch.

now go impress us and turn the computer off. walk out onto campus, and talk to like 20 people today. smile, and listen to what they have to say. go volunteer at a homeless shelter (hell, you can tell them what a shitty floor you live on in college - they might have some ideas of where you can stick that idea)
and then never come back on here and bitch about your life.

 

[grlpwrd]

To me what resonates about your post a lot is how much value you place on what you are to other people or how much you value the socialization in school. How about putting yourself and your needs first?

What are your goals?? Do you think the next few years are based on only partying, socializing, and being a member of clubs? Maybe if you can see yourself beyond college it will give you some focus. After all, there is life beyond college. I am not intending to be trite, but you will have a career, right? Think about how your life will be once you graduate and try to plan your life accordingly.

I can understand if you have some psychological issues so hopefully you're making progress. From the sound of your post, though, it seems like you're still stuck on bad behaviors or just having a difficult time letting the past go. Just because you had problems in high school doesn't mean you have to continue them. It's never too late to make a fresh start. Just keep going...

Have you gone in for academic counseling or study skills help? Maybe in order to get to where you'e going you need to plan on how to do well in school, organizing your time and priorities better, and all that good stuff. It's like with your workouts...if you expect to make gains and improve you better plan!!!

Motivation has to come from within so no one can really get that fire burning except yourself. Even with your physique issues. Here's a mantra that might help: If it is to be, it's up to me.

Hope any of this helps..and good luck!

 

[68GT350]

Doctor's orders:

Take lots of weed.
Drink lots of alcohol (join a frat).
Fuck as many girls as you possibly can. It will never be easier.

Do these all in the order stated. The pot and booze will make landing broads a lot easier. Plus, you won't mind the uglier ones.

 

[p60]

P60, you're going through the typical Univ. blues.

There are 3 things you can do:

1. Train
2. Study
3. Sleep

Come back 4 months later, ripped and with much
more confidence. THEN start socializing.

You have what I call BODY issues. Not mental health.
You're just not satisfied with your body and it shows.
(I have been following your posts these past 6 months)

BTW, University is 4 years. What do 4 months MATTER
in the large scheme of things? Nothing much.

If I were you I'd lean on your family for some help. Seems like
you need someone to talk to. Hell, talk to us. A lot
of us have been through the same type of scenario.

And please don't take the "mental problems" cop-out. Thats BS
and you know it. Take some initiative and write down your
goals and a schedule then STICK TO IT.

End of rant.

Fonz

Fonz, I don't see how being ripped should affect how I socialize with people. Relying on your appearances for confidence doesn't seem like the right thing to do, and if you are going to do it you shouldn't do it to the extreme (as in you can't talk to people unless your ripped)

I'm trying to get my mind off that negative thinking pattern, not back on.
And besides the point, I came into college pretty cut, and was around 9% BF. ACtually, I was quite happy with the way I looked, and it seemed like some people were taking notice, but it didnt make the anxiety problems go away.

Fonz, you don't know the half of it, because you havent been there. It's not the typical university blues its a hell of a lot worse.
The main problem here is the anxiety I go through on a regular basis. I'm going to try to snap out of it, but its not the easiest thing that one can do.

 

[casavant]

I'd be depressed if I lived in St. Paul, Minnesota too.

 

[Fonz]

Fonz, I don't see how being ripped should affect how I socialize with people. Relying on your appearances for confidence doesn't seem like the right thing to do, and if you are going to do it you shouldn't do it to the extreme (as in you can't talk to people unless your ripped)

I'm trying to get my mind off that negative thinking pattern, not back on.
And besides the point, I came into college pretty cut, and was around 9% BF. ACtually, I was quite happy with the way I looked, and it seemed like some people were taking notice, but it didnt make the anxiety problems go away.

Fonz, you don't know the half of it, because you havent been there. It's not the typical university blues its a hell of a lot worse.
The main problem here is the anxiety I go through on a regular basis. I'm going to try to snap out of it, but its not the easiest thing that one can do.

I already attended Univ. 5 Years to be exact.

Having said that, confidence DOES come from how you LOOK
and FEEL.

The "LOOK" part you can work on, but the "FEEL" part you
can't. With the latter you need help.

Fonz

 

[bigAragorn]

im the same way......constantly thinling about what certain things mean and why they happen.

 

[p60]

i dont know..

i really dont think im being a perfectionist this time with the idea in mind of dropping out.

all through out highschool i was extremely unhappy / unsatisfied and my last 2 years were especially hard.

the whole time while that was happening, people were telling me not to worry, that college was around the corner, where i could start fresh and new, and that i would be happy, and that college are the best four years of everyones life,

that promise had kept me going through the rough times.
i just wanted my one moment of truth in my life, where i could have 4 years of extreme happiness and joy, where i could go there from the start be overjoyed, and just keep on building.

and now to think that probably the most important month of my college career has passed me and i missed it. Now I feel absolutely depressed and dont know how this is ever going to get to be what i hoped for.

people are walking around with friends, many of them have found their groups, and here i am, without anybody, no floor to live on as a true home, and no floor that im known on, and its already a month into the year, really too late to start hanging out on floors according to some ppl.

i dont want to be sitting around in my dorm room bored on all weekends, like they have been so far, where i just sit and become miserable over my problems.

i just dont know, i was pretty miserable at times in high school, like when i missed out on my junior year because of my preoccupation with my eating disorder, but it was still okay because college was around the corner.

whats around the corner after college? i hear this is the peak of life. this is where u meet most of your friends that stay with you for the rest of your life, and this is where most people meet their mates.

Do i start over, for the sake of justice, so i can finally have what i've longed for? a college experience thats happy from the beginning?
or do i try to muscle this one out, make friends from distant places, but not really have a family of friends for a long time, and live with this big negative spot in my memory for the rest of my time here??
if i muscle this one out, i wont be able to have my freshman year ever again

If I quit now, or at the semester end, I could at least enter a new school next year as a freshman, and finally have what i want in life.

Or do I finish up my schooling here, and say "well i guess im always going to be handicapped by my bad start"
You see, most people become good friends with those they meet at the start, because both of them need friends.

I love it when everyone is all in need of friends at one point, it makes the atmosphere so wonderful.
anyways, the ppl find their friends right away, and most importantly they become like a family with their floor.

These friends carry on into their next year. If i entered into my next year without any good friends I would be at a disadvantage as it is.

I just want the normal college experience I'd hoped for, and already it isnt.

I just don't believe that I can have much fun anymore or be able to turn this around.

now on top my those sacred highschool years, my college years have been tainted, and its like theres nothing special for me to enjoy.

 

[p60]

So do the rest of you guys think that it would really be that much better if I stuck around and tried to make friends in other places besides dorm areas, and be lonely for a few months, until I make decent friends in the other places??

note: keep in mind i still have an eating disorder, major anxiety issues, depression - problems concentrating and getting my schoolwork done.
i still have things that i got to work through. It's not guaranteed that I'm going to have a blaster after all of this.

Or do you think i'd be happier if I left now, went home, spent time working on my anxiety and eating disorder issues, and depression, and spent time in my town getting better at socializing, worked a full time job for a year,
and then came back to college next year, perhaps at a christian school (where i really wanted to go)


EDIT: some more things I found out:
If I drop out by no later than tomorrow, I get half of my tuition back. (plus I have a scholarship that takes a ton of tuition off, so I probably wouldnt lose much here. For the dorm situation I'd get my food service money back but not my rent.
If I drop out by Oct. 25th i get 25% of my tuition back

As far as grades go I have until October 30th, to drop out and get a Withdrawal for all my classes, leaving no grade mark.


So, any new thoughts?

If I were to stay, what would u suggest I do??? Like most people right now are having fun with floormates, but I have very few, and its too late to go looking on other floors.
Like how would I have fun in the meantime?
who would I hang out with in the meantime? afterall it takes awhile to bond with ppl from clubs and classes, and most of them are probably all too busy hanging out with ppl on their floor.


And how am i supposed to get my schoolwork done?
I get depressed all the time thinking about this, and most of the time it takes hours to accomplish a small task, and now i cant even get hardly anywhere at all.

 

[Doktor Bollix]

i dont know..

i just wanted my one moment of truth in my life, where i could have 4 years of extreme happiness and joy, where i could go there from the start be overjoyed, and just keep on building.

and now to think that probably the most important month of my college career has passed me and i missed it. on into their next year. If i entered into my next year without any good friends I would be at a disadvantage as it is.
my college years have been tainted, and its like theres nothing special for me to enjoy.

4 years of extreme happiness and joy? You really set yourself up don't you. And how can you seriously expect something like this when you wallow in negativity the way you do every time the world doesn't shape itself to some TV derived fantasy land.

You and Reality need to develop a working relationship. "My college years have been tainted." That Dead Kennedy's song "Holiday in Cambodia" comes to mind for some reason.

 

[p60]

alright,

Mainly the issue that I guess is bothering me is that I don't know people that well yet, and i've lost a months worth of time. Luckily I dont think its too late to get to start knowing people in clubs and classes,
however on dorm floors it is kinda late because people have really started grouping up in their halls.
the social aspect here means a lot to me, and I wont go to a college if I'm going to be shafted in this area.

there are 2 things now that I can see happening out of this situation if I were to chose to stay:

1) I could find a floor and try to make it a home, either by moving to another floor (if there are any openings) or by walking up to another floor and starting to hang out there even though it is kinda late, i could probably still pull it off.

2) If I couldnt pull off finding a new floor to be around, I could hang around the few decent people on my floor (when they are around) and the rest of the time I could be lonely until I make good enough friends in other places like clubs and classes.

Then the next year, those are the friends i have to start off with when I come back here, where as other ppl will have entire huge 30 some ppl floors that they are tight with when they come back.

So it does impact my future.


The thing is, if I was stuck with option #2, I'm not sure I'd be happy about it, and it would probably bother me enough to leave, either now or for sure at the semester.

i guess the reason why is i'd want to leave,
is because it gets me real depressed when I see other floors out having fun together. everyone walks around the campus in groups these days. im always alone.
i dont know if I could tolerate that for another year as I had to deal with it so much in high school. it really hurts me now thinking about having to deal with that again.

 

[HighIntensity]

are you writting a fuckin book

 

[grlpwrd]

So do the rest of you guys think that it would really be that much better if I stuck around and tried to make friends in other places besides dorm areas, and be lonely for a few months, until I make decent friends in the other places??

note: keep in mind i still have an eating disorder, major anxiety issues, depression - problems concentrating and getting my schoolwork done.
i still have things that i got to work through. It's not guaranteed that I'm going to have a blaster after all of this.

Or do you think i'd be happier if I left now, went home, spent time working on my anxiety and eating disorder issues, and depression, and spent time in my town getting better at socializing, worked a full time job for a year,
and then came back to college next year, perhaps at a christian school (where i really wanted to go)


EDIT: some more things I found out:
If I drop out by no later than tomorrow, I get half of my tuition back. (plus I have a scholarship that takes a ton of tuition off, so I probably wouldnt lose much here. For the dorm situation I'd get my food service money back but not my rent.
If I drop out by Oct. 25th i get 25% of my tuition back

As far as grades go I have until October 30th, to drop out and get a Withdrawal for all my classes, leaving no grade mark.


So, any new thoughts?

If I were to stay, what would u suggest I do??? Like most people right now are having fun with floormates, but I have very few, and its too late to go looking on other floors.
Like how would I have fun in the meantime?
who would I hang out with in the meantime? afterall it takes awhile to bond with ppl from clubs and classes, and most of them are probably all too busy hanging out with ppl on their floor.


And how am i supposed to get my schoolwork done?
I get depressed all the time thinking about this, and most of the time it takes hours to accomplish a small task, and now i cant even get hardly anywhere at all.

You know you should be focus on studying, right? Yet if the social part of your life is really a big issue then you need to be proactive.

Do you work on campus?? That might give you a way to make friends even if you have to be forced to see them each day.

It sounds like you're really, really isolated living in a dorm. Is there a way you can form a study group or something? That might get you to be around people more and cultivate friendships and study. Do you go to your school's gym? Go and chat with people.

Are you taking medication to alleviate your symptoms/anxiety/ and depression? I don't condone overmedicating people, but if you think it could help you check with your dr.

You are really starting to worry me because you admit you have an eating disorder, you're depressed and anxious, and you seem so isolated. I think if you can muster some spiritual and emotional strength to wait it out, get some adequate medication if you need it, and "turn a new leaf" in your attitude then maybe you have a good chance of changing the status quo. It really has to come from within, though, and no one here can help you in that way - only you can. Give it some time because you have until late October, right? Just branch out...study hard, play hard, workout hard, and have a life away from the dorms. There is life beyond your dorm, you know...you will eventually graduate and enter the real world.

 

[satanic goatslayer]

I'm at a loss for words.

I had no idea this was as bad as it is. I feel bad for mocking you in the past.

In all honesty, I reckon the only way for you to improve your life is to hire a psychiatrist.

Yes, a shrink.

Then, as he counsels you, play some soft music - perhaps Roxette, to sooth your mind.

Then, if the man is worth his weight merely in manure, he will have your face wrapped up in a plastic bag, with an ice axe hanging by his side.

You will have the most transforming experience in your lifetime, as he cranks you in the spine with the axe and leaves you numb from the waist down.

As you slip into an even deeper depression following the news that you will never walk again, you will muster up the courage to wheel yourself over to the window of your shack. Then you will smash the glass out with your face, then slam your neck down repeatedly into the broken shards until you die.

Hallelujah, the angels will sing.

Hallelujah indeed.

 

[casavant]

Come on- join the joyride.