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A little help for the ladies!!!

The Ranger

The Ranger

New member
Dating Gym Bunnies


I must say, Stretch and I have had our fill of dating local Gym Bunnies. They have to be the hardest creatues on earth to understand, why God put them here is still beyond the both of us. They've even started calling us " Milk-men " simply because each one that we date, puts an expiration date on the realtionship.

So, Stretch and I have decided to help our fellow Iron Brothers from making the same mistakes we have made. If our advice contained in this top secret report helps one failing realtionship, we have achieved our ultimate goal.

Ranger and Stretch's Guide To Dating Gym Bunnies:

The Top 30:


1. All Iron Brother's only see in 12 different colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color!

2. If you don't dress in Spandex at the gym, or something from Victoria's Secrets when we go out, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys!

3. If you think you're holding to much fat pre-contest, you probally are. Don't ask us. Guys, never answer this question! Change the subject by asking them about Peach Colored shirts.

4. Birthday's, Anniversaries, and Valentines Day are not a quest for us to find the perfect gift. Our wisdom has taught us that lifting gloves, and chalk do not qualify as " perfect " gifts!

5. If you ask a question about training and diet you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you really don't want to hear!

6. When we lift, we're not thinking about you. Live with it! If you ask us what we're thinking, expect answers about max reps, myoplex, nitro-tech, and what Ronnie Coleman does for back day.

7. Sunday=Sports!! Let this one be.

8. Shopping for new Aerobic shoes does not count as a sport. It never will, and we refuse to think of it that way.

9. Other than the gym, if we have to go somewhere. Anything you wear will be fine....Really!

10. Crying about weight gain is blackmail!

11. Ask for what you want: Lets be very clear on this one, subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just spit it out!

12. No, we don't know what day it is. Unless it's arms and chest day, leg day, deadlift day...etc. Mark all important dates on the calendar.

13. Peeing while standing up after heavy deadlifts is difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Deal with it!

14. Most Iron Brothers own 3 pair of shoes. We cannot pick one pair out of thirty that will look good in your Pilates Class. Don't ever ask that again.

15. Yes, and No are excellent answers to all our questions.

16. Come to us with a problem only if you want our help in solving it. Sympathy is what other Gym Bunnies are for!

17. Headaches and sore muscles from Areobics Class that last 12 months is a major problem. Go see a doctor.

18. Foreign love films are best left to foreign countries. Unless it has Arnold in it, or war, and Bruce Lee movies are an exception as well.

19. Love Quiz's...It's in neither your best interest, or ours to take one of these together!

20. Anything we said 6 months ago does not count in an argument. All comments made after heavy deadlift day become null and void in 24 hours.

21. We're going to ogle other Spandex wearing Gum Bunnies, let us do it. We cannot help this act, it's genetic, and there is no known cure for this.

22. Please respect our quite moments. Say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks....We thank you on this one.

23. Chalk is as exciting to us, as matching sport tops are to you.

24. If we ask what's wrong, and you say nothing. We will act like nothing is wrong and continue our workout.

25. We know when you tell a little white lie about your weight and body fat percentage...it's just not worth the hassel.

26. We grunt. It's what we do, if the door is closed and we're grunting...don't knock!

27. You have plenty of workout clothes, and too many shoes, don't tell us you have nothing to wear.

28. We compare ourselves to other Iron Brothers, the same way you compare yourself to other Gym Bunnies. We go up and ask advice from them, you pick their bones clean.

29. Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio are not ripped. We hate to burst this fantasy...Deal with it!

30. Extra protein we take in has certain side effects. We cannot always be discreet. Practice holding your breath, this will also benefit you in areobics class. So in a way, we're doing this to help you.


It is Stretch and Ranger's wishes that this be cut out, and placed where every Gym Bunny can see it. It could, one day, help all our Iron Brothers in realtionship issues.

Stretch and I thank you,

I suspect I will not only catch hell for this one, but ultimately end up there....heh heh heh heh

Ranger
 
You see there is a difference between a gym bunny and an iron sister - irons sister's know these things with perhaps the exception of the peach issue and the shoes issue. I for one do NOT have too many shoes.
 
Well put Temple....... I for one, am an Iron Sister, ..... and you had best learn to hold YOUR breath, while in my presence :D
 
It has occurred to THIS GymBunny that perhaps Ranger and Stretch are in need of a little guidance themselves:

The Top 30:


1. All Iron Brother's only see in 12 different colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color!

We GymBunnys realize that ALL you brothas are colorblind so unless we want to look like we got dressed in the dark, we know waaaaay better than to ask.

2. If you don't dress in Spandex at the gym, or something from Victoria's Secrets when we go out, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys!

Spandex? Hello!… The Eighties are waaaaaay over… this is the new millenium (has been for awhile now… get a clue my brotha. Have you not heard of cotton/lycra? And as for Victoria’s Secret…. CHECK!… Now what is your excuse?!

3. If you think you're holding to much fat pre-contest, you probally are. Don't ask us. Guys, never answer this question! Change the subject by asking them about Peach Colored shirts.

If I want to an honest I will ask my training partner: another GymBunny that can kick 99% of you brothas’ asses so there is no need for discussion here. And by the way, you can wipe the drool off of your chin and pick your jaw up off the ground at any time you feel comfortable Sugarplumb.

4. Birthday's, Anniversaries, and Valentines Day are not a quest for us to find the perfect gift. Our wisdom has taught us that lifting gloves, and chalk do not qualify as " perfect " gifts!

Ah ye font of wisdom… if you TRULY took the time to understand and get to know us GymBunnys you would have KNOWN that gloves and chald DO QUALIFY…. Just don’t bitch and moan when you get a renewal to Muscle and Fitness along with a 5# tub of George’s Triple Threat for whichever occasion applies. Feel free to fill in the blank here because unless we are seriously ill we will be AT THE GYM REGARDLESS OF THE OCCASION. As for the peach shirt thing, refer to rule #1. Is this simple enough for you, or was I typing to quickly?

5. If you ask a question about training and diet you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you really don't want to hear!

Simple here too, refer to rule # 4. (I typed more slowly this time because I saw the glazed look of a deer in headlights when I was typing rule # 4.)

6. When we lift, we're not thinking about you. Live with it! If you ask us what we're thinking, expect answers about max reps, myoplex, nitro-tech, and what Ronnie Coleman does for back day.

Guess what? We ain’t thinkin’ about ya none NEITHER… the only thing which we may be thinking during a lift in addition to the veins bulging on our foreheads is MAYBE to tuck our lifting partner’s thong back into her pants as her glutes are now so developed from years of ass-to-the-floor squats that NO PANTS will fit properly REGARDLESS of whatever new fabric the garment industry has developed…. They didn’t do it with us GymBunnys in mind, so it most likely DON’T facilitate enough give to cover our immense rock hard asses.

7. Sunday=Sports!! Let this one be.

Sunday=Gym, tanning, and shopping. Ditto. DO NOT BITCH ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY I SPENT NEITHER. WHEN YOU LOOK THIS FREAKING GOOD – THERE SHOULD BE NO LIMIT TO HOW MUCH I AM TO SPEND ON ACCESORIZING! As long as I ain’t grabbin’ at the remote, watch the tube and drool happily…. Unless, of course, I want mind-blowing sex. Then it is YOUR DUTY to give it to me in such a fashion that the neighbors can hear me thanking Jesus. Are we clear? Thought so.

8. Shopping for new Aerobic shoes does not count as a sport. It never will, and we refuse to think of it that way.

Aerobics shoes?…WTF?! Thongs, 7” acrylic heels, naughty undergarments and clothing so tight it looks as if it was painted on is more to the liking of a GymBunny Sport… Yes, finding such items at a discount can truly be labeled as BLACK BELT SHOPPING. And if there is no sale – THEN DEAL… refer to rule # 7. This time I went E-X-T-R-A S-L-O-W as the glaze may have disapated a bit, but the drool was flowing with equal fervor.

9. Other than the gym, if we have to go somewhere. Anything you wear will be fine....Really!

Refer to rule # 7. If you have a problem with ANY of the items mentioned there, then there is something wrong with YOU.

10. Crying about weight gain is blackmail!

True GymBunnys (such as myself) spend more time crying about NOT gaining. Where you been hanging?

11. Ask for what you want: Lets be very clear on this one, subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just spit it out!

This one is really where I have to shake my head and cluck my tongue…. GymBunnys ARE KNOW FOR THERE NO-BULLSHIT, THIS-IS-EXACTLY-WHAT-I-WANT-AND-NEED CANDOR. Yet, somehow you brothas STILL manage to drop the ball. Are we not speaking slowly and concisely enough?

12. No, we don't know what day it is. Unless it's arms and chest day, leg day, deadlift day...etc. Mark all important dates on the calendar.

We GymBunnys DO MARK all the important days on the calendar: Chest, tris and abs, Quads and calves, Shoulders and abs, Back, bis and calves, Hammies…and of course THE ONLY REAL IMPORTANT DAYS ARE THE DAYS OFF… ALL GymBunnys KNOW THAT YOU GROW WHEN YOU REST.

13. Peeing while standing up after heavy deadlifts is difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. Deal with it!

We GymBunnys deal with it quite nicely. We simply hand our big he-man iron brothas rubber gloves with the bleach so the “harsh chemicals” won’t damage their delicate cuticles.
14. Most Iron Brothers own 3 pair of shoes. We cannot pick one pair out of thirty that will look good in your Pilates Class. Don't ever ask that again.

What the HELL is a Pilates Class?

15. Yes, and No are excellent answers to all our questions.

You mean that you iron brothas don’t like it if we stare off into space and have our thoughts drift to Arnold in “Conan the Barbarian” or perhaps to Arnold again in that opening scene from “Red Heat” where he was wrestling some dude in the snow wearing nothing but a loin cloth or Arnold in the scene in “Terminator” where he comes to earth and is VOID of clothing (notice pattern forming here)….as you are going on and on about why we didn’t have the oil changed in the car? Sorry, but a GymBunny can not be held responsible for these episodes. It isn’t that what you are saying isn’t important to us. It is just that us GymBunnys have blood coursing through our veins and have certain “needs”. Please deal.

16. Come to us with a problem only if you want our help in solving it. Sympathy is what other Gym Bunnies are for!

If we GymBunnys have a problem we KNOW better than to consult with the likes of mere mortal brothas such as yourselves. We would ONLY consult with our training partner – refer to # 3.

17. Headaches and sore muscles from Areobics Class that last 12 months is a major problem. Go see a doctor.

What is an aerobics class? The only aerobics activities a GymBunny would engage in requires ONLY TWO participants… if you are VERY LUCKY and WELL-BEHAVED and VERY GOOD AT FACILITATING US GIVE PRAISE TO GOD ALMIGHTY… THEN THIS MAY INCLUDE YOU.

18. Foreign love films are best left to foreign countries. Unless it has Arnold in it, or war, and Bruce Lee movies are an exception as well.

A GymBunny would know better than to make an iron brotha such as yourself and stretch sit through a film with subtitles. We know how much of a strain HAVING TO READ WORDS THAT ARE SOMEWHAT QUICKLY PRINTED ON A SCREEN CAN BE FOR YOU…. See, we ain’t so bad afterall. We would go with our training partner and leave you with your brothas and the remote… boob tube is more your speed Sugarplumb and it is all good. We can accept you with all of your shortcomings!… as long as you can lick the kitty properly we can leave the mental stimulation up to our training partner. She may be good, but she don’t have the proper equipment to fulfill ALL of our needs. That is sometimes THE ONLY reason we give you iron brothas the time of day. Oh and, thank you, but because of years of training I can take out my own trash.

19. Love Quiz's...It's in neither your best interest, or ours to take one of these together!

Unless these quizes are in IronMan or Muscle and Fitness we won’t be seein’ ‘em so we won’t be takin’ ‘em.

20. Anything we said 6 months ago does not count in an argument. All comments made after heavy deadlift day become null and void in 24 hours.

Refer back to rule # 18. We GymBunnys DO realize and accept your limited mental capabilities. Remember, a happy kitty is a willing kitty! MEOW!

21. We're going to ogle other Spandex wearing Gum Bunnies, let us do it. We cannot help this act, it's genetic, and there is no known cure for this.

If a spandex-wearin’ Gym Bunny is what you like to oogle – GO FOR IT! But then again, you won’t mind when we oogle the sweaty, grunting 6’4, 240# brothas who are bleeding from old callouses form by years of heavy deads and ass-to-the-floor squats… will you? Yes, perspiration, bulging veins and crazy pumps amidst the cloud of chalk dust just does something to a GymBunny…. This is on the X-chromosome and we can not be held responsible.

22. Please respect our quite moments. Say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks....We thank you on this one.

The only thing a REAL GymBunny should be saying during commercial breaks is, “Thank You, JESUS!”…. and I ain’t talkin’ about no church talk, neither!

23. Chalk is as exciting to us, as matching sport tops are to you.

To see what excites us Refer to # 21.

24. If we ask what's wrong, and you say nothing. We will act like nothing is wrong and continue our workout.

A REAL GymBunny would know not to disturb an iron brotha during an intense workout. Why on EARTH would YOU DISTURB OURS?! Especially, if it concerns a matter of importance? Don’t you know that is what our training partner and the locker room is for?

25. We know when you tell a little white lie about your weight and body fat percentage...it's just not worth the hassel.

Refer to rule # 3. A REAL GymBunny would NEVER lie about such a thing as SHE KNOWS that the mirror doesn’t lie either!

26. We grunt. It's what we do, if the door is closed and we're grunting...don't knock!

We grunt too… or are you so busy drooling at our rock hard glutes to notice? Or maybe it is the deafening screams during the time that we are giving thanks? If it is the latter, then your ignorance is excused, otherwise wipe the drool from you chin and pick your jaw up off the floor whenever you feel comfortable Sugarplumb.

27. You have plenty of workout clothes, and too many shoes, don't tell us you have nothing to wear.

GymBunnys do NOT care if an iron brotha finds her to be attractive while she is in the gym. She is there to train – NOT pick up. So if we don’t have our hair all done and are totally void of makeup, we are wearin’ ratty sweats and the veins are bulging out of our foreheads then perhaps you need to look the other way. Believe me brotha, it won’t hurt our feelins’ none.

28. We compare ourselves to other Iron Brothers, the same way you compare yourself to other Gym Bunnies. We go up and ask advice from them, you pick their bones clean.

A GymBunny compares herself to no one. She is secure in who and what she is. She is only in competition with herself and believe me when I say this my brotha – THE COMPETITION IS STIFF!

29. Brad Pitt, and Leonardo DiCaprio are not ripped. We hate to burst this fantasy...Deal with it!

QUE? WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?!

30. Extra protein we take in has certain side effects. We cannot always be discreet. Practice holding your breath, this will also benefit you in areobics class. So in a way, we're doing this to help you.

As long as you all recognize the fact that a GymBunny NEVER farts… we will be cool.

It is Stretch and Ranger's wishes that this be cut out, and placed where every Gym Bunny can see it. It could, one day, help all our Iron Brothers in realtionship issues.

Stretch and I thank you,

I suspect I will not only catch hell for this one, but ultimately end up there....heh heh heh heh

Hell? No, no baby… if iron brothas such as yourself and stretch are fortunate enough to EVER MEET and then TO CAPTURE THE HEART of A TRUE GymBunny, might I suggest YOU PRINT THIS OUT and KEEP IT WHERE IT WILL NOT BE LOST… as you brothas tend to be a little bit slow…. A small price to pay for admission to heaven, wouldn’t you say?

GymBunny
 
Hmmmmmmmm, seems to me Ranger/Stretch that the woman of your dreams is RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSES.....

GymBunny.... what do YOU think? Is The Ranger or Stretch an Iron Brotha whose SHIT you could tolerate? I mean, I hear that he is a ROYAL PAIN in THE ASS.... but in a good way, if ya' know what I mean...:kitty: :licker:
 
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I am just rolling with laughter at the irony!!!

Ranger, you are Stretch sound like people I would love to work out with!! Except you will have to drool over gymbunnies all by yourselves as I will be too busy kickin' ass on the squat rack!!

Other than that, if you hear moaning and groaning, the door is ALWAYS open!!!

hehehehe

Mrs. TG
 
Another exploit.....



The Dream


As usual, I was running late for the gym. I fired up the " Beast ", my 1977 AMC Gremlin, and roared out of the apartment complex headed over to pick up Stretch. I know you're all laughing right now about my Gremlin, but I can assure you...it's quite the luxury car, complete with 8-track tape player, and an assortment of Elvis's Greatest hits to get you in the workout mode.

Stretch decided to surpise me one weekend while I was out of town and provided the finishing touches on a new paint job. Forty-two cans of gloss- black spray paint later, and it was done. Feeling it wasn't complete, he also, through his sheer artistic talent, painted bright yellow lightning bolts on each of the doors. Sometimes, artistic talent knows no bounds. Of course I added the crush velvet dash board, and Stretch had an old 45 pound dumbbell which he painted glow in the dark gold, then tack welded it on the hood as a testimony to our faith to all our Iron Brother's!

I must admit, we are the envy of everyone at our gym. Most will not ask openly, but Stretch and I can see the looks of wonder as we pull in each time. Perhaps, if the right price would be offered, we would consider selling the " Beast ", but we both feel without the " Beast ", and Elvis to get us started, our workouts would suffer greatly. So please, no offers will be accepted at this point. Stretch and I thank you!

Pulling into " The Slums "....(Stretch's pet name for his apartment complex), I saw Stretch hoping up and down with gym bag in tow. I could only hope he dropped his protein bomb before he hit the passenger seat. My nasal passages couldn't stand the idea of decaying Nitro-tech!

Yanking the door open and ploping down in the seat causing the car to shift to his side, Stretch blurted, " Bro, I have to tell you about this dream I had last night! "

Rolling my eyes, I sighed, " This isn't the same one about Bunny Spandex, the ice cream, feathers, and dill pickles again....is it? "

Stretch sounded hurt, " That could happen snapper-head, just a little more time. That's all I need, she's even looking at me now. "

" Yup, and so is Arnold Roidhead! " I shot back laughing.

" Just shut up and listen for a second! " He growled.

" Anyway, " He started again, " I dreamed I died and went to Heaven."

I had to snicker at that, causing veins to pop out on Stretches temples.

" Anyway, that Saint Peter dude met me at the Gates. Bro, that is one jacked Saint. He even knew my name. He told me everyone was waiting on me, and he took me inside."

Stretch took a breath between bites from a home-made protein bar and continued. " Bro, Heaven is a huge gym. I mean HUGE!! They have everything, dumbells that go to 300 pounds, every machine you could think of. And everyone in there is HARDCORE! All the great ones are in there Bro....Arnold, Zane, Haney, even Coleman, and everyone has their name on the back of their lifting belt."

Stretch was letting drool dribble down his chin in excitement now, " I asked that Saint Peter dude, " These guys ain't dead, are they? "

He replied in one of those church voices Bro, " No my son, they stop in from time to time to offer advice to the Disciples."

" So I'm looking around, " He continued, " And everyone is grunting, and yelling. That's all you can hear..." Push it! "..."One more rep! "..." PUSH!!! ", and chalk dust everywhere. And Bro, these guys are freak'in HUGE!!! All of them, Arnold is young again and talking crap to Coleman about he'll be back, and his carrer as Mr. O will be over! " Stretch was shaking his head in wonder.

" Bro, all at once from the far back of the gym-heaven, this dude stalks out. This guy is a freak'in monster. His arms alone had to be 24 inches cold and ripped! Chest was massive, and his lat spread looked like he could hang-glide on them. He was by far the biggest guy in Heaven. Everyone backed away from this dude! He bent over to do a 900 pound deadlift and I saw on his lifting belt the name Stretch!"

" So I look at this Saint Peter dude and ask him. " Why does that guy have my name on his belt? I may just complain to God about that Bro! "

Saint Peter looked back at me and smiled, " My son, that IS God, he just likes to think he's Stretch! "

Luckily, we were at the gym by now and I was able to bolt from the car without further damage to my acute senses. And the fear that should God decide to strike him dead at this point, he might miss and get two for one in the process. I could still hear Stretch laughing as I entered the door with him on my heels...

" Good morning Bunny." I smiled at our reigning Spandex queen of the gym.

" Hi, Ranger." She answered without looking up from her Richard Simmons book.

As I headed towards the back of the gym, I could hear Stretch once again," Hey Bunny, lemme tell you about this dream I had last night. "

Thankfully, I was by now out of ear-shot and could only make out Bunny yelling something about hating pickles, feathers making her sneeze, and passing Arnold Roidhead growling grunts and squeals about ice cream.


Ranger
 
Well Bikinimom...and just HOW might you know of Ranger's "skills"? I wonder.....

I have to say that I do enjoy his offbeat sense of humor, but something tells me that Stretch may be much more to my liking. I mean with a name like Stretch wild scenes of acrobatic feats are quite suddenly conjured up in my mind.... and being the TRUE GymBunny that I am, I have a voracious appetite!

Besides with a name like Ranger, doesn't that mean he is gay? I dunno, that is what I heard that fella Flexed 1 say.

Damn, why is it that all the sexy bitches are playing for the other team?!

Sorry Ranger... I know my arms may be bigger than like 80% of the male population and I can out-deadlift an equivalent percentage... but I AM STILL A RED-BLOODED FEMALE WITH NEEDS! I hate to break your heart big-guy, but I don't know if you would be capable of adequately satisfying them....

But I would love to take in a good foreign film with ya some time! La Cage Aux Folles is playing at the local cinemaplex I hear. :D
 
Ya can't believe everything you hear....and this is the reason Stretch got his name...Heh heh heh....Fuckers!!!!



REVENGE


My training partner Stretch Swanson began lifting weights in the 5th grade. It was there, at the local YMCA we met, and over the years have squandered millions on every supplement, new and old to win the Mr. O.

Now, about Stretch. He's a decent sorta fellow at heart....well in a way I guess. He got his name in high school while pulling a 500 pound deadlift and his shoulder popped out of socket. He never got it fixed so one arm is longer than the other. Stretch compensates for this by leaning to the good arm side of his body, but, he leans his head the opposite way. So you never actually know if Stretch is coming or going.

He and I share the same passion for lifting, and whether we win this years Mr. O or not, that won't change. Through this passion we have had ups and downs, and found ourselves thrown out of more than a few gyms. Mostly due to our homemade protein bars that tend to stop up toilets for 3 to 5 days. I'm now a plumber and getting rich, not off the protein bars, but their fringe benefits...<wink>!

Stretch dropped off plans today to help rid our gym of the people who won't put their weights back, hog machines, stare, and are just plain lacking in the proper gym ettique. I am begining to wonder about Stretch, but at 6'4 and 240 pounds with the demeanor of a Gorilla in heat, not to mention the IQ factor of a sponge. He still insisted I share these golden tid-bits of wisdom.

Please remember that Stretch deserves all credit for this, and any legal ramifactions that may be pending!

The Philosphy of Stretch:

The Hit and Run- Walk by any undesirible group, drop a protein bomb, count to three, then walk away. You can safely watch them cringe at your latest protein shake from a good distance.

Cluster Bombs- Grab 5 of the hard core Iron Brothers at your gym. Have them over for a Beans and Rice pre-workout meal. Add Cheerios for good measure, and finish with a protein shake and eggs. Wait 30 minutes and head to the gym with Iron Brothers in tow. Now you can drop a string of protein bombs in true hit and run fashion and watch the fun from anywhere in the gym.

The Areobic Bomb- Usually the Areobic rooms have fans to cool the Richard Simmons disciples off. Move stealthily up wind of your intended target. Be patient for the right opportunity and let it rip(protein bomb). Now move away to a good observation point. This is enormously effective against cell phone joggers. They talk, talk, talk and are unaware of whats going on until a waif of decaying Myoplex enters their nostrils, I have noticed that trying to talk, gag, and jog is impossible.

The Yeah I Did That- Next time some noodle armed squib steps in front of you so he can watch himself curl those massive 10 pound dumbbells. Drop a protein bomb and set there staring up at them. When they cringe and look down at you, look them in the eye and say, " Yeah, I did that! "

The Dead Body- Wear gym clothes that are 3 workouts past being unbearable on bench day. When the benchbunch is there offer to spot one of them. Now, ensure you give this lucky fellow a lift off, bend down so your crotch is inches from his head. Remain in that position offering encouragement, and ensuring proper form is utilized. The bench should be clear within 2 sets.

Leg Day Clearinghouse- On leg press day, take an old pair of under wear(clean or dirty), take a brown magic marker and make a series of fake skid marks in the crotch. Next, take a pair of shorts that are way to small for you and put them on over the underwear. When Angie Dimpleknees is on the leg press grunting out her 10 pound iron pies, just simply ask if you can warm up. One set for her to see the skid marks hanging out your ass will ensure the leg press machine is all yours. Also effective on leg curls.

The Ventriliquist- When Steve Stickfigure is hogging the dumbells and being a general nusiance. Sit beside him on a flat bench and while he is curling those monster dumbbells, make a string of grunting noises on the positive movement. Everyone in the gym will be watching him while you sit back and laugh.

Dumbbell Magic- On dumbbell day of any body part, and you don't want to be bothered. Get to the gym early, and before cardio hide all the 30, 35, and 40 pound dumbbells and head to the cardio room. Once you come out, it will be like magic. The front desk will be full of members wondering where the dumbbells are. This will cause Little Cousin Bobby to foam at the mouth, and twitch uncontrollably.

The Chernobyl- *CAUTION* *CAUTION* This little tid bit should be used only on extreme cases. Damage control could total well into the 50 member mark. When you are in a cutting phase, and it's an absoulte must that you have the cardio room, use this method. Now, about 2 hours before gym time, have a HUGE bowl of turkey chili with red beans. Stretch's recipe book is forthcoming folks. Wash chili down with large protein shake. Let the contents settle for ten minutes then add 6 hard boiled eggs, and a bowl of Special K for fiber control(if you're one of those). Wait fifteen minutes and jump up and down for three minutes. Now this is where complete body and mind control comes into play. Every time you feel the protein bomb starting, pinch it off, I like to refer to this as the " Recycle Method ". Doing this over and over increases the volumne each time. This must be done at least ten times for maximum effect and range. Head to gym with butt checks squeezed tightly shut, veins popping out on forehead, and tears flowing from eyes. Head straight to the cardio room and deliver. You will notice this one effective bomb can last five to thirty seconds. I like to refer to this as " Hang Time ". My personal best is thirty-eight seconds, start to finish. It cleared out Bally's in just under four minutes. Make note of the many different faces as they trample each other exiting the door. Also great for parties!!!

The Ebola- Very simple, very quick, and very effective. Consume one can of saurkraut, two protein bars, and a mixture of egg whites and red beans. Learn to relax your sphincter muscles for quite distrubition of this bomb. Stretch has gotten so effective at this, he can actually drop them quitely while walking. Once you drop this silent disease, walk away and watch the fun. The sheer density of this bomb will slowly spread like a virus. The aroma alone can linger for up to three hours.

The Red-Neck- Just before you walk into the gym. Take a pack of Oreo cookies, crush them up into fine pieces. Now, take that mixture and rub them throughly all over your teeth. Walk in, smile alot, and enjoy the workout. You will notice the stares as squibs move out of your way, and leave you to a nice peaceful workout. Once completed, hit locker room, brush, then leave. Also alot of fun for anal retentive Dentist when it's time for that yearly cleaning and checkup.

THE UPPER DECK- effective against douchebag gym owners and their Little Cousin Bobby who works behind the desk - only works on toilets with a water tank on top. Close stall door - take of water tank lid - drop you're stinky bomb in the tank - put the lid back on. By the time they realize where the smell is coming from - they have a water tank full of stew on their hands.

THE STINK PLATE - Also effective against douchebag gym owners -in your home - pack a paper plate and saran wrap in your gym back. Go to the gym. In the locker room, hit a stall and crap on the plate. Cover it with saran wrap. No make sure no one sees you, put the plate in a locker and lock it. Flush the key down the toilet. stink plate in da house.

THE YOU THINK ITS THERE STINK BOMB - When you see squidly coming towards the water fountain, beat him there, take your drink, squeeze out a nice protein bomb, then run away. Squidly then steps up to the fountain, and the people in line behind him thinks it's his stink!







Ranger
 
Yup, pretty sure of it. Other than that GymBunny chick I don't know of anyone that could put up with you so maybe you oughtta grab her while you can still get her.
 
Well....Perhaps. But right now I'm sorta involved with this 4'2 inch Amish chick.....Ugly as a pocketfull of assholes, but damn can she cook....Even better than Stretch if ya can believe that!!!!

Ranger
 
ranger you bitch. now I am a 4'2 amish chick? whats up with that? when you come back don't be knockin on the door for some lovin since i'll be doing that amish bitches 4 foot brother. and to think i am sitting here being faithful. you slut and to gym bunny do you have a brother as Ranger maybe yesterdays news.
 
The Ranger said:
Flex....I'm sorry....It was just a joke....my bad!!!!!!!!

Ranger
Click to expand...

OK Ranger.... I have been called many things... BUT A JOKE?! ....NEVER!!!!

Tread lightly my friend.... hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned!

As for you Flexed - I have a brother that makes Ranger look like the silly little BOY that he IS!!! If your reeeeeal nice to me, I MIGHT just see clear to hook you two up. No hard feelings - There is no way around it here, Ranger is just a silly goose that has got his head so far up his ass he hasn't seen the light of day since Jesus Christ himself has walked the earth. I mean, one minute "he is in love"... the next minute he is running away with his TAIL tucked between his legs.
 
Let's make sure I am understanding this...
Ranger is the gay lover of Flexed 1 who has a pocket full of assholes but has been licking GymBunnies kitty on the side while Stretch plays with his pickle in the gym when he's not playing God or is Warlobo God...I forget.....
 
Yup Temple... that 'bout sums it up! :D

Geeze, that GymBunny sounds like a feisty one there Ranger. I think you'd best hang with Flexed as he seems a bit more passive, to say the least.

Yeah, stick with Flexed - GymBunny is waaaaaaay outta control... I don't think there's man alive that could control her! tee-hee
 
Last edited:
flexed1 said:
Ill tame the bunny as i did the ranger. Just call me the tameanator.
Click to expand...

*Too many jokes coming at once.....can't control......there's too many of them....AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!*
 
Well since I am about to diet and feel lonely here is my story. Sorry Ranger but your gone and I am lonely.

A few years back I was in Dallas working out for a show when this hunk of a man walked by and caught my eye. He was tall, dark, and extremely handsome and spoke with a souther twang. my pecs fell through my heart as I dreamed that oneday I would hook up with this man.

At the time i was dating many people including Gymtime (4th toaster) but he was not very good in bed and so loose sex was never really great. In laymen terms he was a power bottom and it got old and tired. Though he was cute Gymtime also had a serious attitude problem for a big bottom.

Anyway after time I grew more and more found of this stranger who stretched very far as a quick glimpse in the shower showed me. But how could someone who looked as good as me and as built as me speak to someone who seemed to have it all.

Well one day his soap dropped and I made my move and said hi how are you. This became toaster (5) as he looked up and his eyes caught mine looking at his stretchness. I said my name is Johnny but my friends call me Flexed1 and he smiled and said I can see why. He had what seemed to be six ladies outside the lockeroom waiting for him so quickly I said how bout a bite to eat.

We ha a great dinner, great conversation, and he explained how his life was so wild and filled with women after women and I looked at him with my baby blues and said there is so much more to life. He glared back, smiled and said really? yes I said want to see?

Sop back to my house we went and as he pulled out of his car he opened up his trunk and pulled out a black Ranger hat. So my nickname for him became Ranger and it stuck like I stuck him and to this day we have a very special relationship filled with stretching and bending and teasing straight women who can't have us since we have each other.

Thats is the story and I hope my Ranger has tears in his eyes as we go back to how we first met.:bawling:
 
3 years, 6 months and 2 days to be exact. My GOD, has it been that long!!! It seems like only yesterday the scent of Irish Spring and sex filled the gym locker room....Yes, I have tears in my eyes...So many memories, so many more to live.....

5 more days...But who's counting....heh heh heh

Ranger
 
WarLobo said:
[B..... I bounce a lot of things off Ranger. And Flex has time and time again shown some ....… Right Flex?? Bwwwhaahahahaaaaaa [/B]
Click to expand...

OK let me see if I understand this correctly, Lobo....

Ranger is extremely rubbery, which might be considered a very good thing as that would imply that HE COULD TAKE A MAJOR POUNDING!

What does The Mrs have to say about you being in possession of such knowledge? I mean, considering the fact that you were out and out laughing at Flex while he was SHOWING YOU HIS one could only get the visual image of you holding your sides about to bust a gut while poor Flexed be standin' there with his pants down around his ankles redder 'n a babboons ASS....

So, now if this is the case and Ranger and Flexed are carrying on, one would think that

A) Ranger is not a "durable" as you had first led us to believe...

B) Ranger has been pounded by SOOOOOOMEBODY ELSE!

C) Papa.... whatchu been doin' while the Mrs has had her head turned?!?!?!

.....if this is the case, then

OOOOOOOOO - SOMEBODY'S IN TROU-BLE!!! :eek2:

Flexed, are you gonna take that from a cheatin' ho?!
 
Yeah Lobo - what EXACTLY are you "bouncing off Ranger"?
This is startin' to sound a whole lot live a love triangle to me...

and if these two are your definition of "solid mods" - girls...we have a problem...
 
He simply means...Other than fitness, we can talk cooking, fashion, decor'...anything...<in my best lisp of a voice>

Ranger
 
Don't foregt bouncing ideas off of women to help them understand men better. war was bouncing stuff off me while back ( 3rd toaster) until he moved on to a different ho. Now him and Ranger may have had a fling as did Gymtime and I but it was before us so I don't care. Notcie how quite Bouncer is? He was up on someones tree as well but shhh
 
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