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YOUR TAP WATER IS FULL OF DRUGS!
One glass can give you a buzz, says scientist
By AMY E. BERG
WASHINGTON - If your water bills have skyrocketed and your family members seem to be flying high, there's a good reason!
The flushing of illegal drugs has so contaminated the nation's water supply that a top environmental scientist says water should be officially reclassified as a narcotic.
"There's no denying it now," says William Rudello. "A glass of water won't kill you, but at minimum it'll give you a decent buzz."
A 57-page top secret classified report obtained by Rudello details the staggering results of a wide-ranging study he conducted earlier this year. According to the report, the pollution is primarily the result of illicit disposals from the nation's thousand of drug treatment facilities.
"Whether it be junkies trying to avoid a drug bust or irate parents discovering their teenager's stash, the toilet has become a primary means of narcotic disposal," the report concludes.
The degree of contamination also seemed to vary according to geographic location. For example, high concentrations of marijuana were found near college campuses and the sewage disposal centers in urban areas were found to have unusual amounts of "crack" cocaine.
The report goes on to say that the psychotropic effects of water are more pronounced in animals and small children, which incidentally is what led Rudello to investigate in the first place.
A test of the water in his own home revealed significant amounts of amphetamine sulphate mixed with Valium.
As it turned out, his pet rottweiler and three young kids were "more or less all doped up on crude pharmacological 'speed balls.'
Their symptoms included listless, spaced-out behavior followed by manic bursts of uncontrolled energy and screaming hissy fits.
"I was able to get them to clean their rooms while they were 'up,'" said Rudello. "But they'd go overboard, vacuuming the carpet till the pile was mowed down to nothing!"
DRINK UP
One glass can give you a buzz, says scientist
By AMY E. BERG
WASHINGTON - If your water bills have skyrocketed and your family members seem to be flying high, there's a good reason!
The flushing of illegal drugs has so contaminated the nation's water supply that a top environmental scientist says water should be officially reclassified as a narcotic.
"There's no denying it now," says William Rudello. "A glass of water won't kill you, but at minimum it'll give you a decent buzz."
A 57-page top secret classified report obtained by Rudello details the staggering results of a wide-ranging study he conducted earlier this year. According to the report, the pollution is primarily the result of illicit disposals from the nation's thousand of drug treatment facilities.
"Whether it be junkies trying to avoid a drug bust or irate parents discovering their teenager's stash, the toilet has become a primary means of narcotic disposal," the report concludes.
The degree of contamination also seemed to vary according to geographic location. For example, high concentrations of marijuana were found near college campuses and the sewage disposal centers in urban areas were found to have unusual amounts of "crack" cocaine.
The report goes on to say that the psychotropic effects of water are more pronounced in animals and small children, which incidentally is what led Rudello to investigate in the first place.
A test of the water in his own home revealed significant amounts of amphetamine sulphate mixed with Valium.
As it turned out, his pet rottweiler and three young kids were "more or less all doped up on crude pharmacological 'speed balls.'
Their symptoms included listless, spaced-out behavior followed by manic bursts of uncontrolled energy and screaming hissy fits.
"I was able to get them to clean their rooms while they were 'up,'" said Rudello. "But they'd go overboard, vacuuming the carpet till the pile was mowed down to nothing!"
DRINK UP
