You just can't help some people.

[DanielBishop]

My mate Matt and I have been best friends since we were like, 4 years old. We're both 21 now, and while he was always a big guy, at about age 15 he started really piling on some weight. But about 17, I knew he had absolutely no chance of getting a girlfriend or anything like that, wouldn't take his shirt off at the beach etc etc and I felt bad for him....

At the time, I was getting into fitness and stuff so I tried to help him. I drew up a diet and exercise program (since he lived a fair way out of town and didn't have a car, going to the gym regularly wasn't much of an option).... I didn't have to do it, but I'm a nice guy and wanted to help. He did okay for a few weeks, but then went back to eating crap food and stopped exercising. I put it down to the fact that I couldn't be living out there at his house 24/7 and reminding him to get up and go for a walk, or don't eat this and do eat that. His parents used to buy complete crap food, so he didn't have much choice when it came to eating. So when I wasn't around, he'd go off track.

So he stayed fat for quite a few years, until he followed me up to a new town and stayed with me for a few months. I thought that would be a good opportunity to teach him the fundamentals of weight-loss and healthy eating, as well as exercise and weights etc.... (give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish... etc etc)....

.... and it went pretty well. Of course, I had to be there all the time to say "Gym!! Let's go!!" and push him when we're exercising. Also when eating, I had to go shopping with him to make sure he didn't put any crap in the trolley and explain why every food is good or bad. I had to remind him to eat regularly, and pretty much tell him WHAT to eat.

Anyway, after about 3 months he'd done quite well. He'd lost 15kg (33lbs) and started to look like a normal guy, just big.... rather than a big fat ugly bastard. But then he got a job, working 12 hours a day and so he stopped going to the gym (said he was too tired or didn't have time) and didn't have that much time to prepare meals for the next day so he went off the keto diet which I had come up with and kept him on for the last 3 months.... and just started buying sandwiches before work or something.

I'm fine with that. I understand that it's not easy to stay on a very strict diet when you don't have that much time away from work....

.... but now he's moved into his own apartment, has stopped exercising completely and eats McDonalds every single day.

I just feel a little bit betrayed and let down.... I'd done a whole lot for him, to try and better his life and self-esteem.... and I didn't have to. I didn't owe him anything. And now he just goes and puts all the weight back on like he doesn't care. Maybe he DOESN'T?? I just don't understand it.

It seems without someone there 24/7 reminding him to eat regular, healthy meals, forcing him to get up and go to the gym or go do cardio or whatever.... then he just forgets about it. Well, I can't be there 24/7 and I'm sick of trying to help him if he won't help himself. I feel like I've done all I can do.... I've taught him the basics about which foods are good and why, which sort of exercise works and why.... and I don't think I can do anything else.

I put it down to the fact that he's lazy.... but as well as that, I've come to realise that perhaps some people just don't care if they're fat and repulsive as much as others. It seems he genuinely doesn't care enough to take charge and do something about it. In his mind, being able to sit there and not have to exercise, and bad food like McDonalds.... is worth being fat.

So fuck him. Of course he's still my mate, but I'm not helping him anymore. You can only help someone to a point.... then if they don't want to help themselves, there's nothing you can do.

 

[Cobin]

Agreed, you did the best you can, if he doesn't want to follow and wants to stay fat, as the saying goes whatever floats your boat. I wish I had someone to stay on top of me and act like a coach , I am doing it myself but I enjoy working out. Stay in shape man, more power to you.

 

[tsarleon]

I mean, to gain muscle get big, or lose muscle get cut, all the info is out there and at this board, which is great. Just starting out, finding a lot of information. But in the end it comes down to the individual. Take a look around, how many big muscualr ppl u see, how many cut ppl you see. Not many, cause it is HARD to do the above. Takes work, and determination.... many ppl do not have this willpower. All those on this board that stick to a diet and program I give you mad props, I will be there soon enough.

-Leon

 

[PatBateman]

you did your best mate, an admirable job. some people are just damn lazy!

 

[frankenfurter]

You're a good friend. Sounds like you did your best.

Keep encouraging him, though. You can't do it for him, but you can support him. Continue to be a positive role model for him. He may come around yet.

Good luck bro.

 

[TEXgrl]

one of my husbands oldest and best friends is like this.....we've both tried everything possible to get him to do something, anything....its so frustrating. he is now about 5'10 and around 330 lbs. we are afraid everyday he won't make it to 35 years old. he has gout at the age of 32. heart problems run in his family. sadly, unless someone wants to help themselves, you can't do anything for them.

 

[DanielBishop]

I've been trying to understand whether people like Matt simply don't care about being fat (ie. it doesn't bother them that much) or they simply lack the capacity to do anything about it. Like they can't control their cravings for bad food, or can't motivate themselves to exercise properly or aren't disciplined enough.

The thing about Matt is, he doesn't show any signs that he cares. It's hard for someone like me to conceive that anybody could be perfectly happy and content being obese, but he doesn't indicate that he cares much either way. That could be a pride thing.... like he doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that he's overweight, so he doesn't do what a lot of people do and complain "Oh, I'm so fat. I'm so depressed because of my weight." Some people who are quite insecure about it, pretend they couldn't care less as a psychological defense mechanism. He might be doing that.... but then, he may actually not care.

I always thought if people wanted something, they could do it regardless of the odds stacked against them. If someone wanted to get their PhD but only had a low IQ, I always believed they still could if they wanted it bad enough. It's just harder for some people than others, and they might need more time and more outside help but they can still do it. I still believe that.... but I think motivation is the key. Matt obviously doesn't REALLY want to lose weight, he only wants to a bit. And until he has the proper mindset and is motivated, there's nothing else people can do. Even if I kept on his back about it and helped him lose more weight, I can't live with him forever and follow him around everywhere he goes. I have my own life, I'm married now and have my own goals and aspirations. At some stage he's going to have to learn to take charge and realise that if he wants something, he needs to REALLY want it or it simply won't happen.

Anyway, I don't feel too bad about it because I did all I could when it wasn't even asked of me. I did it just to try and help someone I cared about, and at least now he knows the fundamentals of diet and exercise.... so if he does one day decide what's more important, he'll know where to start.

 

[tsarleon]

Ya, you got to realize that the majority of people dont care, or would rather be stationary and not WORK to gain the muslce or lose the weight. Gaining the motivation is like a test, do what it takes to get through it, enjoy the benefits and feeling of accomplishing and doing well when its done. I have been filling the ears of my friends about gaining mass, being "big" etc. They dont care, they shake their heads, be like you wont be able to do that etc etc. Pisses me off, I would like the support, but once again its going to have to come from within, and thats that.

-Leon

 

[Lumberg]

I have a friend like that. He is fat and he knows it and hates it, but he likes hanging out, drinking beer, and eating whatever more. He is one of those guys that pursues pleasure and doesn't think about the consequences of his actions.

Of course he has horrible luck with girls, even though he is one of the horniest fuckers I know.

I worked up a program for him and even went to the gym with him on my off days and "personal trained" him. I also brought him in on some off days and we worked out together.

After a few sessions I figured he was good to go on the proper form for all the exercises and turned him loose. I kept calling him to go to the gym together and he started declining more and more.

This was about 7 months ago. He doesn't go to the gym anymore and he looks fatter than ever.

I have given up on helping him change his body but he is still fun to hang out with.

JC