WTF happened to my Joke thread?

[Austin316]

Goddammit, there was nothing wrong with those jokes, Ill just have to post more!

"Five Hundred Bucks"

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

 

[Austin316]

"THINGS TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME"

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

[amaritto]

The first one was hilarious. I tried posting and the fuckers were gone.

 

[WarriorPL]

lol good one. it says the last thread was movied... but where...

 

[Austin316]

"Martini Sermon"

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?"

The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well.

After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. David 'slew' Goliath, he didn't 'kick the shit out of him.' We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T.' We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys.' We don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.' Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a 'peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffy's.' The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign, 'Toot-n-Tell or Go to Hell' has to go. Last, but not least, we say The Virgin Mary, not the 'Mary with the Cherry.' "

 

[Austin316]

"That feels pretty good"

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[danielson]

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.
The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
''I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?''
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. '
'I can make you feel like a woman'', was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said ''Iron this.'''

 

[danielson]

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[danielson]

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage."
The texan asks, "what's a shortage?"
The Russian asks, "what's a steak?"
The New Yorker asks, "what the hell does 'excuse me' mean?"

___________________________________________
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Yes, I did. They were in your tackle box."

_____________________________________________
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man outside leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."