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Would you consider divorce?

A

Addicted

New member
To get rid of manipulating, shallow in-laws that have the "what can you do for me" attitude, consistently take shots at you and your family, outwardly slight you and your wife versus her other children becasue she got married at twenty-four (12 years ago)and the rest of their children are single or just recently married (one)?

All of their other children have moved anywhere from 200 to 3,000 miles away, btw....my wife also feels a loyalty to them as they age...we're a whopping 10 miles away.
 
I don't see how you can divorce someone you love because of annoying/shallow in-laws. I am guessing your marriage has other problems aside frmo the inlaws.
 
Well, of course your wife feels "loyalty" to them -- they're her parents.

That said, when a couple is married, they start a family and the strength of that immediate family should take priority, barring catastrophe, over childhood family (i.e. mom and dad).

Do you love your wife? Asking whether you should divorce your wife to get rid of your in-laws is disturbing on a number of different levels.

Do you have kids?

My immediate thought is that the parents are who they are, you've known this for 12+ years, you married into it (made a commitment), and it's your responsibility to carry your commitement to your wife through.

Unless you are spending an inordinate amount of time with them, fuck them. Just be polite, let shit slide and go on with your life. You're not going to change them and to threaten your wife with divorce over her parents is juvenile at best.
 
From this thread, I learned that there is a javascript error if you get the amount of negative karma that primetime has.

Code: 
onclick="javascript:alert('primetime21 has more than Satan's negative karma.');"

the possessive Satan up there throws off the single quotes since it isn't escaped and therefore causes an error ont he page.
 
primetime21 said:
I don't see how you can divorce someone you love because of annoying/shallow in-laws. I am guessing your marriage has other problems aside frmo the inlaws.
Click to expand...


Because its been 12+ years of sh*t. I took it for the longest time with a smile on my face, now I'm just fed up with it all and tired of fighting. I guess it really is true that blood is thicker than water. Don't get me wrong, she understands her family has issues...they just can't communicate and her father is a manipulative fuck
 
Addicted said:



Because its been 12+ years of sh*t. I took it for the longest time with a smile on my face, now I'm just fed up with it all and tired of fighting. I guess it really is true that blood is thicker than water. Don't get me wrong, she understands her family has issues...they just can't communicate and her father is a manipulative fuck
Click to expand...

That aside. Do you love her?
 
THeMaCHinE said:
Well, of course your wife feels "loyalty" to them -- they're her parents.

That said, when a couple is married, they start a family and the strength of that immediate family should take priority, barring catastrophe, over childhood family (i.e. mom and dad).

Do you love your wife? Asking whether you should divorce your wife to get rid of your in-laws is disturbing on a number of different levels.

Do you have kids?

My immediate thought is that the parents are who they are, you've known this for 12+ years, you married into it (made a commitment), and it's your responsibility to carry your commitement to your wife through.

Unless you are spending an inordinate amount of time with them, fuck them. Just be polite, let shit slide and go on with your life. You're not going to change them and to threaten your wife with divorce over her parents is juvenile at best.
Click to expand...

no children. By our own choice. One of thereasons they have been even bigger assholes over the past few years as we pass our mid-thirties. I'm not threatening her with divorce, but in-law problems seem to be BIG issues with a lot of couples. Not everyone has the personality to continuously let it slide, some people tire of it. I've avoided a good number of family functions recently, but she gets pissed when I don't go. I thought it was a good compromise...but he says I'm part of her family now and expects me to be there.
 
curling said:


That aside. Do you love her?
Click to expand...


yes.

But I guess everyone has thir breaking point. I am tired of fighting about it and feel that maybe we just both need to move on. She has a much bigger social network of friends and is very close with her family. Me? I work full-time, just completed my masters, have a nutrition-tanning store with my sister...but I do a lot alone, including training and snowboarding. She is a wonderful person, but this is an issue that seems to be getting bigger and bigger, and the fighting worse.
 
mordy said:
I would move if at all possible. Distance would help immensely. You like your job? ;)
Click to expand...

I have a great job in higher ed. She is a nurse practitioner, so she could find work anywhere and I should have no problem....I've discussed moving to Salt Lake City or Vermont...she feels she is the last one close to her family and wants to stay....to me that is fucked, let one of her single brothers or sisters come home and take care of them.
 
YOu need to talk to her about how you feel about the way they treat you guys. Me personally, if I were in love with someone enough to marry them, and my family tried to interfear, they wouldn't be seeing much of me anymore. That is something I told my mother and father already in the past. Anyone I decide to marry, they will love and respect her and treat her as their own child, or they can consider me to no longer be their son. In-laws are not worth lossing your marriage over.
 
Addicted said:

.but he says I'm part of her family now and expects me to be there.
Click to expand...

Fuck what he says.

Does she understand the extent to which you are affected by this stuff?

And trust me, I know where you're coming from -- my mother in law accused me to my face of brainwashing my wife.

If she doesn't get it -- it's because you're not explaining yourself adequately or in a way that she can understand -- one or two sessions of couples counseling, while work, will pay off great dividends for a lifetime in this respect.

Alternatively, you can come to an agreement where you "get something" for attending family functions -- (i.e. Yeah, I'll go, but if I go then I want you and you only for a weekend vacation in (insert nearby city here).

The problem is not so much the in laws as it is your feeling that you've sacrificed yourself to accomodate them. You feel like you are owed. Well, you're not -- not until you make your wants and desires crystal clear.

I think you're looking for a way to divorce your wife without it being your fault.

Get some good counseling; start at the link in my sig. I think I've referred you there before -- did you ever go?
 
BodyByFinaplix said:
YOu need to talk to her about how you feel about the way they treat you guys. Me personally, if I were in love with someone enough to marry them, and my family tried to interfear, they wouldn't be seeing much of me anymore. That is something I told my mother and father already in the past. Anyone I decide to marry, they will love and respect her and treat her as their own child, or they can consider me to no longer be their son. In-laws are not worth lossing your marriage over.
Click to expand...

agreed. You may have to give her an ultimatum. Let her know that you are at a breaking point. And that while you love her, you can't deal with her family. Let her make the decision. If she really loves you, she will do the right thing. That doesnt mean moving, it may just mean having her set her parents straight. good lluck
 
primetime21 said:


agreed. You may have to give her an ultimatum. Let her know that you are at a breaking point. And that while you love her, you can't deal with her family. Let her make the decision. If she really loves you, she will do the right thing. That doesnt mean moving, it may just mean having her set her parents straight. good lluck
Click to expand...

Ultimatums don't work.

And even though the in laws are annoying, this isn't *really* about that.
 
Truth isn't always pretty.

You can acknowledge it or not, doesn't affect me. (other than I'd like to see you come out of this OK)
 
sh4dowf4lcon said:
I would only consider divorce in the event my wife were unfaithful to me, cheating is the only reason to divorce in my mind.
Click to expand...
I agree with that. There is only a couple of things that should be grounds for a divorce. Just because your wife has shitty parents doesn't make it a deal breaker. I hope things work out for ya. Where there's a will, there's a way.
 
good luck bro. I moved NEXT DOOR to my in-laws. I bought the house RIGHT NEXT TO THIER`S. lol

Wish me luck. lol

I would do other things before taking drastic measures like divorce. Next time they start "controlling" you guys. Just flat out tell them "you know, We would rather make our own decisions" etc. etc.

Shock them a little. That`s what certain people need to get the idea. It certainly not as harsh as divorcing your wife, If you compare the two.
 
Addicted said:
To get rid of manipulating, shallow in-laws that have the "what can you do for me" attitude, consistently take shots at you and your family, outwardly slight you and your wife versus her other children becasue she got married at twenty-four (12 years ago)and the rest of their children are single or just recently married (one)?

All of their other children have moved anywhere from 200 to 3,000 miles away, btw....my wife also feels a loyalty to them as they age...we're a whopping 10 miles away.
Click to expand...


you married her - not her family
 
Don't talk crazy -- when you marry somebody, you marry their family too.

Hopefully though, you have the type of relationship that places the needs of your primary relationship, the marriage/kids, over the needs of secondary relationships (out-of-house family). And that in turn, if the secondary relationships are shitty, the primary relationship is respectful of that and guards the feelings of those in the primary relationship appropriately.
 
Lots of good advice here.
I went through something similar years ago. I just went head to head with them. Informed them exactly how it will be, what I expect from them, explained respect, maturity, boundaries, rules in my home, my family, my values, the shit I'll take and won't take. Not aggresively, but assertively. Honestly and clearly. If you're unhappy with them...tell them.

Describe the situation. Say how you feel. Say what you need.

Basic assertiveness training:

- Think of and value yourself as an equal.
- Recognize and protect your rights.
- Identify YOUR needs and ask that they be met.
- Take responsibility for yourself and not other people.
- Express negative thoughts and feeling healthily (see above)
- Stand up for YOURself.
- Give and receive criticism.
- Learn to say "NO"

I realize you didn't ask to solve your problem, just trying to help. I've been in the exact same situation.

Good luck.
 
"...All of their other children have moved anywhere from 200 to 3,000 miles away..." - Is there a pattern here?

Living as close as you do to your in-laws would be trying in even the best relationships. I agree that moving farther away would help immensely, even as little as an hour away would enable you and your wife some independence as a couple.

You say your wife is "a wonderful person", so what is she doing to improve the relationship between you and her family? While she may indeed be a daughter, she is first and foremost a wife, and her loyalties should be to you. (I'm not talking sexist crap here - I'd say the same thing if the sexes were reversed - a married man is first a husband, secondly a son.) Does she fully understand what effect this situation is having on you? If not, she needs to. Counseling can be a good neutral ground for this.

I know this doesn't help your immediate situation, but count your lucky stars you don't have children. Even though parents/in-laws clamor on about the virtues of granchildren, your situation would be 10x worse because they'd be constantly questioning your parenting ability and telling you how to raise your children. I've seen plenty of good parent/in-law relationships turn sour when the kids arrive.
 
THeMaCHinE said:
Don't talk crazy -- when you marry somebody, you marry their family too.
Click to expand...



Crazy???


divorcing your wife b/c of her nutty family is what is crazy my friend
 
Addicted said:
To get rid of manipulating, shallow in-laws that have the "what can you do for me" attitude, consistently take shots at you and your family, outwardly slight you and your wife versus her other children becasue she got married at twenty-four (12 years ago)and the rest of their children are single or just recently married (one)?

All of their other children have moved anywhere from 200 to 3,000 miles away, btw....my wife also feels a loyalty to them as they age...we're a whopping 10 miles away.
Click to expand...
i never realized how important a strong family was, until after i was with my girlfriend of four years, she began taking on traits of her loser, drug using family that sounds very much like the one in question...never saw it coming either...sweetest, prettiest girl i have ever known
 
I dont believe in divorce....I believe in death do us part. I got my knife ready just in case...lol j/k!!!!
 
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