What would you do?

[thebigugly]

Let's say your Dad has a bout with cancer, and comes out clean, during this time he reflects on his life and figures that while you were growing up, he never really did anything father/son during this period. Never seen any baseball games, football, wrestling, or any school functions. He basically drank, and told you were stupid, or worthless in front of your friends, and thought of you as a burden more than a son. I'm talking no hunting, fishing, or camping out. Now older, realizing the mortality of himself wants to apologize and say, " I know I was a bad father, can you forgive me?" Remember, this is after the cancer. Before the cancer not even a peep about the past, or even mentioning of it. I can't forgive him and my sisters think that I am horrible for that. The one thing I learned from this, be part of your kids lives, they will remember it for as long as they live. Go to games; teach them to hunt, fish, and play tiddly winks for chrissake if they want. You want forgiveness pay me back 17 years and I'll forgive. The Corps is my mentor, and learned all I need to survive. My boys and daughter can always count on me for support, and I'll never call them "STUPID" as long as I breathe. Like the man said, "You only get one chance, don't fuck it up!" Am I fucked up, or should I turn the "Other Cheek?"

 

[Night Fly]

Well, I am sorry to hear that your father said those things to you, and that he treated you that way. BUT...one thing I have learned to do...no matter how hard it is...is to FORGIVE. Your father may not be able to give you back those 17 years that he was not there for you, but if he is willing to at least try...then I think you should let him do that.

I say...give him another chance. Take things slowly...I mean, really....what do you have to lose?

 

[big4life]

He's not asking you to forget what's happened, he just
wants you to give him another chance.

Should you?

I don't know, that's up to you to decide.

I do know that the day my father passed away, he wanted to
talk to me, and I was too busy.
I'll never forgive myself for that, and we had a pretty good relationship.

Think about how you will feel if you don't give it
another chance.

 

[spongebob]

i would forgive him.

 

[alphaxi]

I would forgive him...Even though what he said/did was horrible if you forgive him for treating you that way, you are the better person. Obviously, you are still angry and bitter about it...let it go. Forgive him and let all your angry feelings go. Why waste your time here feeling mad and resentful? Why not just forgive your father for everything he ever did to you...I think you will be alot happier if you do...whether it changes anything or not between you and him...at least you know you are happy for yourself for forgiving him. Our time here is so precious...dont waste it feeling this way.

Good Luck!

 

[WODIN]

I know all too well your situation bigugly and I think you could go the rest of your life and die happy without giving him any absolution for his actions. Tell him to go fuck himself!

 

[MasterMind]

Well bro...the truth is I feel the same way about my biological father (or lack of one).....I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for what he did to me and my mom, if he asked for forgiveness I wouldn't feel right telling him that its just ok.....follow your heart bro...if it tells you to say you forgive him then say it...if it doesn't then don't lie and tell him that you do forgive him.....then you just belittle yourself and him....

 

[gymtime]

It doesn't matter what prompted the apology. The only thing that does matter is if he's sincere or not. Is he? If you believe he is, then I don't think you do yourself any favors by not forgiving him. It doesn't mean you have to start some kind of movie-of-the-week father/son relationship. That will likely not change. But it might make things somewhat easier for both of you.

 

[HumorMe]

bigugly

I do not know how you feel because my father was always there for me and my brothers and sister. With that in mind, is he asking now to be a part of your family's life? I believe I could forgive him but I think it would take time and lots of it! It would be hard to let him back in your life. His drinking and criticizing of you is not what being a father is all about. Think about how many times you might have fucked up something but those close to you still loved you and accepted you regardless. I know 17 years of him being fucked up is hard to accept, at least it would be for me! Everybody deserves second chances. If we didn't have second chances in life, this world would be awful lonely because everybody would be mad at each other forever. You do what you feel you need to do and go with it. As I watch my 72 year old father's health slip away, it kills me to think that I disappointed him when I was younger but those episodes of disappointments only made me try harder. My father always gave me second chances and I tried like hell to never let him down. I'm not trying to justify your father's actions, I'm just looking at both sides of the coin. It's your decision and if that decision makes you feel peaceful then you know you made the right choice. Good luck!

 

[Test boy]

We all make mistakes and need forgiveness. It is a great virtue that enhances your health and sense of well being.

Having said that, next year I will make a decision on whether or not to kill someone. I said I would wait 7 years to make a decision. Don't want to do anything hasty.

 

[thebigugly]

I seen him during the month of Aug. I was home on leave, that is when it happened. He wants to hug me bye and shit, say "I love you" Just hard to say It's o.k., Dad, I forgive you, when you are 38 years old. Looks to me like he had plenty of oppertunities in 21 fuckin years to come clean. Just figured it is pretty cheap that when death comes knockin at the door, he figures it all out. At this point in time I'll say nothing, and continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I know when I leave my kids to deploy, when I come back, they ALL want hugs from daddy. I guess my father taught me how to be a good dad in a wierd sort of way, I'll thank him for that. " dad, thanks for being fucked up so I know how not to treat my children." That has a nice ring to it.............
BTW thanks for all the input, some great therapy here on the net, and good advice. Better than 100 an hour and get the same answers!;o)

 

[Test boy]

BTW thanks for all the input, some great therapy here on the net, and good advice. Better than 100 an hour and get the same answers!;o) [/B]

Hell...100 an hour hour is much better than 225 for 45 minutes. Thats what I paid when I wanted to bitch.

 

[musclebrains]

Hell...100 an hour hour is much better than 225 for 45 minutes. Thats what I paid when I wanted to bitch.

I'll send you my card, Testboy.

Forgiveness is tricky business. It's a cliche, but we don't do it for the other person; we do it for ourselves because the anger and bitterness tend to eat us alive.

I'm not sure you can will yourself to forgiveness, when you're still really angry about the past. My father was a total asshole who, as he's aged, has become a complete whining pussy. My brothers say exactly the same thing BigUgly does: That his negative example taught them precisely what to avoid in fathering their own children.

My father basically demanded my forgiveness about 10 years ago. After a lifetime of neglect, he decided the two of us should sail around the world together. (Sailing was my passion as a kid.) Let's just say, I got off the boat soon after this experiment began. I realized I was not ready to forgive him and it only made me angrier that he was pressuring the process to make himself feel better.

Have I forgiven him now? About 80 percnet of the time. His legacy is damaging and can't be undone. Forgiveness really is a surrender to your own wounding.

 

[thebigugly]

thanks MB, Your words speaks mountains! I think tha pressure is there, both from my sisters and my Father. He's just gonna have to wait I believe........

 

[HumorMe]

I'll send you my card, Testboy.

Forgiveness is tricky business. It's a cliche, but we don't do it for the other person; we do it for ourselves because the anger and bitterness tend to eat us alive.

I'm not sure you can will yourself to forgiveness, when you're still really angry about the past. My father was a total asshole who, as he's aged, has become a complete whining pussy. My brothers say exactly the same thing BigUgly does: That his negative example taught them precisely what to avoid in fathering their own children.

My father basically demanded my forgiveness about 10 years ago. After a lifetime of neglect, he decided the two of us should sail around the world together. (Sailing was my passion as a kid.) Let's just say, I got off the boat soon after this experiment began. I realized I was not ready to forgive him and it only made me angrier that he was pressuring the process to make himself feel better.

Have I forgiven him now? About 80 percnet of the time. His legacy is damaging and can't be undone. Forgiveness really is a surrender to your own wounding.

Good post MB! Forcing the issue won't work...good point!