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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep
down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of Professionals built the Titanic.
15. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
16. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
17. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
18. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.
19. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you
are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
20. "as with life...drink your fine wine now...before it turns to
vinegar".
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep
down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of Professionals built the Titanic.
15. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and
it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
16. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
17. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
18. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.
19. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you
are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
20. "as with life...drink your fine wine now...before it turns to
vinegar".
