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3Vandoo
Well-known member
This might amuse 
Neil.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, and orders a drink.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then some sliced limes, then jumps on the pool table where
he grabs the cue ball, pops it in to his mouth and swallows it.
The bartender screams: "Did you see what your monkey just did?!"
The customer says, "No, what?"
The bartender: "He just ate the cue ball, whole!"
Customer: "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me; he eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. I'll pay for everything, the cue ball and all."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, with his monkey.
Again, the monkey starts running around the bar.
He finds a maraschino cherry, grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender, disgusted: "Did you see what your monkey did?
He stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it ! "
Customer: "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me."
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball,
he measures everything first."
_____________________
Let me see if I understand how America works lately . . .
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or
musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with
heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into a cockpit and tries to kill the
pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother
of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this
computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings:
1. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS........ Able to bullshit
2. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS....... Spends lots of time on phone
3. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE................ Not too bright
4. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED... Made no major blunders yet
5. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY......... Too ugly to get a date
6. ACTIVE SOCIALLY................ Drinks a lot
7. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIAL.......Spouse drinks, too
8. INDEPENDENT WORKER.......... Nobody knows what he/she does
9. QUICK THINKING............... Offers plausible excuses
10. CAREFUL THINKER............. Won't make a decision
11. AGGRESSIVE........................ Obnoxious
12. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS..... Gets someone else to do it
13. EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL......... Speaks English
14. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.. A nit picker
15. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES..... Is tall or has a loud voice
16. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT......Lucky
17. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR........ Knows a lot of dirty jokes
18. CAREER MINDED................ Back Stabber
19. LOYAL................... Can't get a job anywhere else!!!
___________________________________
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven
dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good
Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and
began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom
window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only
one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs
what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and
this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off
her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the
echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's
coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the
next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus
went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf
tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone
coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the
next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me
too." "Me too." "Me too."
_______________<
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon approached the parish priest
saying, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not lad; we cannot have services in
the church for an animal. But there is a new denomination down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic
______________
French Springtime
An elderly French man was walking down the country road, admiring the
beautiful spring day when, over a hedgerow, he spotted a young couple, naked,
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock, he said to
himself, "Ah, ze young love... ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est
magnifique!!", and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew-in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she
is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell
Albert, the police chief. He arrived, out of breath, to the police station
and shouted, "Albert, Albert, zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer
Gaston's field, making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old.
Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!!" Hearing this,
Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station and ran down
to the field. There, he confirmed Henri's story and ran all the way back
non-stop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre, this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young
couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not
understand.Ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, and jumped in
the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting
there, he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and
Albert, who were waiting at the police station. He got there, went inside, and
smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not
worry. Ze woman, she is not dead ... she is Englis
Neil.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, and orders a drink.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then some sliced limes, then jumps on the pool table where
he grabs the cue ball, pops it in to his mouth and swallows it.
The bartender screams: "Did you see what your monkey just did?!"
The customer says, "No, what?"
The bartender: "He just ate the cue ball, whole!"
Customer: "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me; he eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. I'll pay for everything, the cue ball and all."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, with his monkey.
Again, the monkey starts running around the bar.
He finds a maraschino cherry, grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender, disgusted: "Did you see what your monkey did?
He stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it ! "
Customer: "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me."
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball,
he measures everything first."
_____________________
Let me see if I understand how America works lately . . .
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or
musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame
the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with
heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into a cockpit and tries to kill the
pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother
of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this
computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Performance Appraisal Terms and Their Real Meanings:
1. GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS........ Able to bullshit
2. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS....... Spends lots of time on phone
3. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE................ Not too bright
4. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED... Made no major blunders yet
5. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY......... Too ugly to get a date
6. ACTIVE SOCIALLY................ Drinks a lot
7. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIAL.......Spouse drinks, too
8. INDEPENDENT WORKER.......... Nobody knows what he/she does
9. QUICK THINKING............... Offers plausible excuses
10. CAREFUL THINKER............. Won't make a decision
11. AGGRESSIVE........................ Obnoxious
12. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS..... Gets someone else to do it
13. EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL......... Speaks English
14. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL.. A nit picker
15. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES..... Is tall or has a loud voice
16. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT......Lucky
17. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR........ Knows a lot of dirty jokes
18. CAREER MINDED................ Back Stabber
19. LOYAL................... Can't get a job anywhere else!!!
___________________________________
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven
dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good
Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and
began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom
window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only
one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs
what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and
this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off
her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the
echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's
coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the
next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus
went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf
tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone
coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the
next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me
too." "Me too." "Me too."
_______________<
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon approached the parish priest
saying, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not lad; we cannot have services in
the church for an animal. But there is a new denomination down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya'
tell me the dog was Catholic
______________
French Springtime
An elderly French man was walking down the country road, admiring the
beautiful spring day when, over a hedgerow, he spotted a young couple, naked,
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock, he said to
himself, "Ah, ze young love... ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est
magnifique!!", and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew-in a gasp and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she
is dead!!", and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell
Albert, the police chief. He arrived, out of breath, to the police station
and shouted, "Albert, Albert, zere is zis man, zis woman, naked in farmer
Gaston's field, making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old.
Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour!
Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!!" Hearing this,
Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station and ran down
to the field. There, he confirmed Henri's story and ran all the way back
non-stop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre, this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young
couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Albert, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not
understand.Ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, and jumped in
the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Upon getting
there, he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and
Albert, who were waiting at the police station. He got there, went inside, and
smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not
worry. Ze woman, she is not dead ... she is Englis
