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sobriety diaries... week 1

Puc

Puc

Banned
It's a double-edged blade, you know. It's cathartic and erotic, invigorating and liberating, damning and deadly.

It reaches behind the barriers of anxiety that I have built around myself and pulls me from the interior, leaving me at one with my surroundings. It raises me and holds me high so that I can see and feel my own being and how it relates to the universe and everything. It lets me cathect the moment and unite with my environment. I become one with the base passions that empower my spirit.

But, it has a sardonic motive. While it holds me high, it pulls me farther from those that I hold dear. While I harbor delusions of unity, those near me are actually being distanced. Those closest to me put not only their happiness, but their safety at risk. My demeanor can be as frightening as it is inviting. My reason is often stripped and replaced by something far to uncontrolled --
animal passions that are both erotic and deadly.

As I imagine myself soaring through the air, I am actually falling...
 
Wow, those are very troubling,powerful and deep words. I hope all is well my friend! Remember the strong survive. We all have our demons and it's how we choose to deal with those demons that make us who we become. Good or bad!
 
I understand. When those feeling hit you and you want to act. Do nothing. Sit still and don't do anything. Don't move, don't talk, just sit. All that shit will pas in time and you wil get back to what you really are. It gets better and you will value it. Don't fuck up.
 
Good luck puc...you are an anal wart and a half but a very cool one so hang tight!
 
It is an odd set of tasks that face me presently... I have to relearn the basics of my existence, because it has been so long since I have attempted these things sober... today was a big step, I went back into the gym again. It was difficult to tap into the emotions that drive me, but I made progress, I think.

I am going to try and go dancing tonight. I hope I will be able to engage the music the way I once did. I believe I will.

The chemical didn't create me, it simply freed me. Now I must learn to liberate my passions with a new, smaller pharmacopeia....
 
i love you, i know it's not easy. i don't want you to this if you don't want to or if you are not ready to, i will always be here to support you.
 
good luck man,im here if you ever need advice or support,i finally got my drinking under control and now can have a beer or two without getting shit faced,and i dont need to drink everyday like i use to,good work buddy keep it up
 
sobriety's dilemma

i quit drinking about 8.5 years ago(age30),after a dozen or so drink and drugged filled years..i was the shy fat kid who never had a date..after a year in college I caught the drift and lost 50 pounds in my sophomore year(I had been active in football,soccer,so I was "Husky")...in a little over 6 months I went from the jolly fat kid to the big man on campus(well it was a small private school)...yet i was still the shy fat kid,so my drinking and drugging continued...after some ten-odd years of trying to find happiness in a bottle or pill..I quit drinking and drugging..sobriety at first was calming..after a dozen years of heavy drink/drug use it takes a lot to become "high" , so after "letting go" i was relieved of the pressures it took to get high..went to work for my family in our funeral home/cemetery...got a second degree and did well.got married to a beautiful young woman who had a drinking problem herself..our 2 year marriage was characterized by many fights and disagreements....she tried hard and i did too,but i was'nt "happy'...and apprently neither was she as she left me after 2 years..I felt that i had done my best to straigthen her out and had been successful...but my nerves were wearing thin...pressures from my job(constantly on call and overbearing parents) were taking their toll on my psyche...i sought help with anit-depressants and felt better...so along i go after being "burned" in a marriage(I use the term "burned" when one has cheated while the other hasn't)...I started working out very seriously again(side note..never let yourself wane no matter how comfortable you are in a a relationship)..and soon achieved a high degree of fitness...yes i had been working out and running through my drug years(testiment to the benefits of exercise even in "dark hours"),and therefore I was able to rebound really welll in side of 6 months..so now i am again at top physical shape and looking better than 99% of all guys(mind you i have been sober 5 years)...well i date around as best i can(I suffer from social anxiety and have panic attacks around females that I am most attracted too..what a fuckin' achilles heel)..and have some relationships nevertheless...got hurt once and then engaged a fine young women...yet she wasn't what I ultimately wanted(NO interest in diet or exercise)..so I split..dated a 19 year old(what fun that was,and in all honesty she conducted herself with the most class upon our split)..dated a 37 year old bodybuilder chick whom I had admired in the gym for some time ..this was fine for about 3 months and then unwinded....so i moved along and dated another fine girl....yet i wasn't happy...mind you now that that these last two had been divorced twice each and while i was processing our compatability from my point-of-view,I was also conscious of her point of view,which is for a girl divorced 2+ times means,you(the Guy)are being scrutinezed moreso...well fuck all this shit no how,i'm not settling for a girl who doesn't have the fire and/or desire to maintain themselves...and I'm not necessarily talking about the passion for the healhty lifestyle,but a passion for something...where is the fuckin' passion in the American people(I don't count enthusiasm for extreme military countermeasures,which i myself will add have some merit,as a passionistic example)...so show me a passion for something then...horticulture,yourself,your career,your rear:)....and all i found was complacency and boring girls...I broke up with my last girlfriend 4 mos. ago...primarily because i wanted to find a more suitable life-mate,and she wasn't it...I was starting to fall in love with her,and she me,yet I knew what i wanted and broke free...so after 4 mos of unhappienss I started drinking agian...at 39 i am at my physical peak..yet i am so unhappy alone...I know i have made the right decisions lately,with regards to my recent relationships...but i am fucking' tired of being alone...I don't want to comprimise my integrity and standards...so my discretion remains intact...but i broke a week ago and "went drinking"..after almost 9 years of sobriety I gave it up....and i felt so good...girls i had gone out with once where clamring to give me a ride home...i was so laid back...."things" felt fun again...I didnt care if she was going to be my wife,I didn't really care if i was going to get laid,though i would have loved the itimacy noentheless...It was so relieving to forget about the "chase" and just be fun...mind you now that I am an anxiety-compromised individual,but it felt so good to be fun again....I really want to make people happy,and i'd love to find a great spouse to pleasure...but in the mean time,I'm gonna enjoy myself...for those of you who suspect you have a problem...beat it for 3 years...and then reassess....I went almost 9years..and i probably will quit again...but,I will tell you this..if you have a weakness,drugs and alcohol will feed off of it and/or magnify it....do you want to "dance with the devil?"
 
Puc said:
It's a double-edged blade, you know. It's cathartic and erotic, invigorating and liberating, damning and deadly.

It reaches behind the barriers of anxiety that I have built around myself and pulls me from the interior, leaving me at one with my surroundings. It raises me and holds me high so that I can see and feel my own being and how it relates to the universe and everything. It lets me cathect the moment and unite with my environment. I become one with the base passions that empower my spirit.

But, it has a sardonic motive. While it holds me high, it pulls me farther from those that I hold dear. While I harbor delusions of unity, those near me are actually being distanced. Those closest to me put not only their happiness, but their safety at risk. My demeanor can be as frightening as it is inviting. My reason is often stripped and replaced by something far to uncontrolled --
animal passions that are both erotic and deadly.

As I imagine myself soaring through the air, I am actually falling...
Click to expand...
...and yet I find it so ironic that your prose of sobriety describes my feelings of release from the shackles of inhibition...and i might add,i noticed on another thread about how many bodybuilders work out alone(i.e. w/o a partner and/or w/o conversation)...seems many of you take pride in being stoics,alone and whatver the fuck you call it when you are so self-absorbed to blind yourself to your surroundings...never miss a chance to make a friend and/or give advice...I've recognized that many in the gym are "scared' and/or in awe of those who have reached a high level...help them and give solid advice..it's amazing to me how friendly strangers become when I offer them a sincere compliment and tip too(you know they need the fuckin' tips after what the PTs told em')....if you are at "king" status at your gym..be nice...spread some knowledge and show some class...so many people want to be healthy and they have been fed the wrong diatribe by the FDA...preach to them to exercise and eat how we did 100,000 years ago..........
 
I remember when a freinds dad when through re-hab. Tough as hell on the whole family. Good luck, Puc.
 
Re: sobriety's dilemma

4everhung said:
i quit drinking about 8.5 years ago(age30),after a dozen or so drink and drugged filled years..i was the shy fat kid who never had a date..after a year in college I caught the drift and lost 50 pounds in my sophomore year(I had been active in football,soccer,so I was "Husky")...in a little over 6 months I went from the jolly fat kid to the big man on campus(well it was a small private school)...yet i was still the shy fat kid,so my drinking and drugging continued...
Click to expand...

This utterly parallels my story...

Fat kid w/social anxiety morphs into sexy mofo with just as much social inhibition.

Chemicals can free me of my inhibitions, but at what cost?

Thank you for your story 4everhung... I want to see if I can live without first, then perhaps reintroduce them in a more controlled, and less damaging way
 
slack3r said:
dont worry khan, hes full of shit..just like his other posts.
Click to expand...

first off fuck you


and kahn i was addicted to alcohol,it got to the point i was drinking 5-6 times a week and getting drunk i knew i had a problem and if i didnt stop i was going to die,i took a huge step back and realized what i want in life and being a alcoholic isnt one of them
 
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