Kids
Stretch came by complaining about kids these days. I shudder to think he may procreate in the near future...<evil snicker>. Though, by the Grace of God, I do share some of his off color sentiments, I cannot share them all. (Due in large part to organizations such as Child Enforcement and Endangerment).
I do, however, share his thoughts that going from Childhood to Adulthood is a rite of passage, and one which should be filled with scars, scabs, and stitches for the most part. But alas, I fear our children today have a rather easy life filled with internet, video games, and cyber-friends. Ever been in a cyber-fight? Trust me when I say this. It doesn’t hurt at all, unless of course you break a nail. And please, any child that responds they have that horrible affliction known as “Carpal-Tunnel Syndrom”. Sorry, you’re shit out of luck, that’s a no go children. Injuries obtained from computers, unless tossed off large buildings are, and should faithfully remain... Null and Void, Henceforth. I think they're too many kids in the world right now......You have to earn the right from childhood to
adulthood!
How dare he say??? Just mention the word “weights” to one of our youths, the answer....Generally I get, “185lbs. But Mom has me on a diet, she cut me back to six Twinkies a day!”
Let us begin the education, shall we.
PLAYGROUNDS
Pure and simple....Good Ole Fashioned 70's style PLAYGROUNDS.
Not these fairy tale wonderlands we have today. Where there's powdery, soft sand, or scented wood chips. No wonderful devices depicting fuzzy animals or mermaids...No sir!
No Baby-Doll....
I'm talking asphalt....Yes sir, hard as fuck, skin your goddamn knees, bust your head, break your fucking bones, hot as holy hell...ASPHALT.
That's why when you young'uns see us 30 and over crowd talking about scars and broken bones, and walking with limps....We earned every damn one.
Just to educate the lost souls with little or no knowledge of our ritual passage from one extreme to the next, let’s go over a few golden oldies to share with the new, upcoming generation.
Teeter-Totter
Let us not forget the Teeter-Totter shall we....Invented by some German Back-Quack....Or often referred to as the fat-fuckers revenge. Though I have seen, many, many times, it used as a means to launch the class midget into space....heh heh heh. I personally know of one lost child who still circles the earth every 24 hours, along with the Space Shuttle I might add...<wink>.
Monkey Bars
Monkey Bars!!!!!....Sit down young'uns....Monkey bars back in the day were 12 stories tall....And some fucking clown decided to shape it like a rocket for shits and giggles...May that bastard rot in hell!!!....Some genius of a 12th grader always got a kick out of smearing the top bar with Vaseline....I hope you die too....Today’s bars are wonderfully soft, and should you fall, fear not, your drop will result in a feather soft landing, and all caught on tape for the relatives to make the “Ah how cute” comments. Back in the day, if you fell from our bars, you dropped into a vat of liquid fire and never escaped unscathed. Your biggest fear was “Mom” and the fact there was no way to hide the recent rip in your new school clothes...(More often than not, Sears Tough skins)....Why did they call them that? Your knees became a solid callus after a week of rubbing them raw from the reinforced knee guards, sewn into the pant leg for extra comfort I’m sure!
Slides
Slides....Yeah Right Babe....Pull my finger and I'll whistle jingle bells for you!....Slides today....attached to one side of the swing I might add.....2 FEET TALL.....2 FEET mind you....Back in the day....We called that a ramp!!!......Us old broken bastards remember that gem! We fucking invented vert....difference is....they got rich, we got broken bones showing them how to do it....heh heh heh
OUR SLIDES....Our Slides were 6 stories tall....Solid, shiny, hot, mid-July, leave burn scars... METAL....Not slanted....true vertical....Ladies remember this polyester, short pants, summertime, wonder....heh heh heh.To this day, should I hear that God awful sound of screeching flesh accompanied by screams, I still inwardly shudder at the memories. I have known several young ladies to leave flesh and skid marks 30 feet long. No need to call paramedics. You knew what Mom and Dad would say...”Makes you tough!”
Lawn Darts
Hey....How about Lawn Darts.....Heh heh heh....Remember this classic piece....Take sharpened dart, attach aero-dynamic wings, walk backwards 20 feet....then toss in the direction of your asshole cousin Bobby's feet....I think there were a few other parts....something about a plastic rings....well, anyway it ended up in an asswhupping and another scar...Not to mention a whole assortment of punishments handed down by Nazi parents to include yard work, splitting wood, cleaning garages, taking out garbage, and a lecture that would rival Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address!
Bikes, Ramps, and Skateboards
Bikes, ramps, skateboards, even shit that hasn't been invented yet....we did that to dammit....Cause we got SCARS...We did that shit, barefooted, no shin guards, elbow pads, knee pads, helmet....No Sir...We did it flat out....And stayed scabby for it throughout the summer months....The first week of the new school year was a rehash of the scars, broken bones along with stories of awe and excitement which had more action than the Matrix Re-Loaded!
Umbrellas and Rooftops
I don’t think, at this point in time we need to investigate this wonderful deployment of sheer genius! Though to give our young folks a vivid picture. I seem to recall a tall kid who once attempted this death defying feat. He ended up with one leg and foot normal size, while the other looked something compared to a baby’s arm holding an apple, and tiny-like midget toes stuck out of the end. He finally had to buy shoes and mounted a contraption resembling a Goodyear tire glued to the bottom...And I shit you not, he still ran a 4.4 second 40 yard dash, all state halfback his sophomore year, though had to quit the team due to further injuries incurred with a Home Chemistry Kit.
Merry Go-Rounds
Ah yes, do we remember that solid steel death trap of a disc? For the children reading this, we learned about science and the effects of gravity the Old Fashioned way...The Merry Go-Round! Enough said on this jewel...If I have to explain it to you, you really wouldn’t understand...Now would YOU?
Caps
Very quick, simple and to the point. Give three boxes of cap gun caps to 6 twelve year old boys. They would have took Bagdad in 12 hours with no causalities on our side!
BB Guns
While on the subject of caps and other useful projectiles. Lest we not forget the faithful side kick of every 12 year old boy. The Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun....I cannot take the ample time to explain this in great detail to the young folks reading this, you just can’t! Unless you have fired, and made a direct hit on another kid, or God forbid hit yourself, you would never, and in no way render a complete description of said task. Though if not wounded to bad, you counted to 50 and you were magically alive to complete yet other behind the line tasks! However, should an eye make contact with one of those medieval, round projectiles...The game came to a screeching halt until every solider had the lie down to the tiniest, minute detail....Mothers are notorious as excellent interrogators....<evil snicker>!
Wham-O
Wham-O toys and other spawn of Satan inventions...The name alone dictated the end result of trying out these handy backyard gadgets!
Sleds
The wonderful joys of winter time and being in a full body cast during Christmas because you uttered the final words, “ You think that’s something, well, watch this shit!” And thus, with those words out, the end result was pain, astonishment, and followed by, “Someone help me up, find my leg, and PLEASE don’t tell Mom!” Every Ski Resort across this vast land of ours was first used as sled runs by US! Never lose sight of that fact. Where the hell do you think the Olympics came up with Bobsledding. How do you think the Winter X-Games came to be?. Just remember, the next time you watch “Jackass” on MTV, we did it first, we had no video camera’s, but do not concern yourselves, we lived through it, and inspired others to forget not, our unsung accomplishments!
So go back to your play station(We called it PONG...did that shit to)....Then watch Survivor and mutter how you could do that shit...Yes....We invented Survivor too...But, back in the day....We called it a backyard camp out....Heh heh heh! Bring back dodge ball with those hard as fuck red, rubber balls, I want to see tackle football in the yard. Just one more game of “Smear the Queer”. Just one more time, I’d like to see a homemade fort, nudie pics on the wall and summer nights of tag in the dark...Why the hell not! Chances are, had we the benefit of Digital Cameras, and video devices, we would all be famous, or on a few T.V. shows. (Real T.V. and What were you Thinking spring to mind right off!)
See...The shit you watch and wish you could do...been there...done that, and now we're adults....And we earned the right to call ourselves so!
So please, do us old folks a favor. This advice alone has saved our lives, and hopefully yours as well. Join a gym, lift weights, talk about calluses and scars...Not bars and cars....Heh heh heh.
Ranger and Stretch
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Kids need to be taught manners, and the back of my hand is the teacher 
