Significantly overweight child

[heatherrae]

The youngest of my fiance's children gets picked on at school because she is pretty overweight. She cries, tries to buy friends with candy and gifts, and is overshadowed by her pretty older sister. I want to help her but not make her feel she is on a "diet." I want to bolster her self esteem, not make it worse.

Anyone have children with this problem? What did you do?

 

[ironbabe]

How old is she? My answer would be completely different based on her age.

 

[heatherrae]

She is 12 and is about 5' tall and probably weighs around 160? I'm guessing, because I never asked her weight, but I would guess that she wears a 12 or 14. She does not have a mother figure in her life until I came along and she often just wears sloppy clothes and we have to tell her to even take a shower. Her self-esteem is really in the dumps. I feel so badly for her. Sometimes I see her come home and eat a plate of waffles with syrup while standing at the kitchen sink. I want to help her so badly!

 

[treilin]

I don't have any children... but you need to be strong for her and show her the right path to nutrition. Don't show and tell her it's a diet, but a way of life. It all begins with what is learned and you can teach her the right way if you and your family are also eating and living a healthy life-style. Rather then single her out, make her feel like part of the family. Weight will come off and there is no need to shed tears. Show her that going to a gym is fun... buy her a training certificate for a few months who can show her proper strengthening exercises, and cardio habits. Or take her to a nutritionist to teach her the proper ways of eating. She has to learn to overcome the kids at school and figure out who she is not try and make everyone else happy, but find happiness within. Help her to find groups like sports or something active that she enjoys and do it with her. Show her that she is beautiful big or small she really needs to hear that she is pretty and that she has a good heart. I would not send her to a so-called 'fat' camp... but work with her. Remember kids start out as a reflection of what they have learned from their parents or surroundings. You just need to rewire a few things.

 

[ironbabe]

Believe it or not, the self esteem can be improved whether the body is or not and that should be a primary part of trying to help her change. Encouraging her when you see things she does well, complimenting her on her hair, eyes, a particular shirt she's wearing (only if you are sincere!) and just being around for her can start the process of making her care about herself again.

The food issue is a tricky thing. You can't really bring it up without making her feel bad (and making her run to food more). You will have to wait for her to ask you how and show desire to get fit. Don't give her strict rules about what she can eat or she'll just hide it from you and that is a step towards a lifelong eating disorder. Here is what you can do:

Talk to your (soon to be) hubby about it. Make a plan together to eat healthy and exercise. Then when the types of food change in the house it can be because of YOU GUYS and your diet, not because of HER so the pressure is off her. It will take her a while to like the healthy foods so she'll complain, apologize, but say that you and your hubby are going to eat healthy and having junk food around is really hard on you guys.

Also, don't knock out all the junk at once. First start changing the types of junk to a bit healthier (whole milk to 2 % to 1 % to skim) Potato chips fried to baked and slowly until no potato chips are left. Full fat beef to lean, white pasta to wheat...white rice to brown ...you get the point. The slower you go the less resistance you will have. And never, never say you are changing things to help her lose weight. She will only lose when she wants to and that won't happen unless she feels accepted by you and you hubby as she is.


Hope that helps! My hubby was an overweight child and we have talked extensively about it.

 

[heatherrae]

Great ideas, both of you!!! I have talked to the fiance before about this and told him that I felt we should work on her self esteem more than her weight, too. She expressed interest in playing soft ball, and I hope that being around athletes will make her lead a more healthful lifestyle. The fiance first said no because she left over $600 worth of equipment out in the rain last year and ruined it. I said to give her another shot, because she is a year older, and she could benefit from being on a team with other girls and the workouts. I have no idea how to play softball with her out in the yard. I never played sports in HS or college. I was in cheerleading and dance team.

I am helping with her hair and makeup and hope she starts feeling better.

I LOVE the advice of changing everyone's food. Good idea!

 

[Sassy69]

Another thought on how to make food more interesting would be to have her included in making nutritious foods - for example, "the joy of spices" and things like that. Instead of "let's make a cake" - throw the box of mix in w/ some eggs & stuff -- include her in making some healthier foods.

I was just thinking of this because the scope of the typical kid's view of food usually ranges from mac&cheese to McDonalds, to Jumbo sodas and all the other crap available out there. I really didn't even learn to cook anything until I was several years away at college. Just because I didn't know. I could bake anything but cooking was very limited. I went 180% in the other direction when I got into BB competition -- literally getting down to boiled chicken & oatmeal. Had no idea how to make any of this stuff taste good because it was really irrelevant when I was deep into competition diet. But when I bought a copy of the South Beach Diet book, I was amazed at the variety of things you can do with very clean foods & make them fun & good.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

I always had a problem with weight despite being athletic and junk food was rarely kept in my house. I had to learn moderation and clean eating at a young age. Team sports will help her for sure also you being there helping her with makeup etc will greatly help her self esteem. Make sure that her other female role models for body image are postive such as athletic woman vs wafey runway models. Her general goal should be to simply be healthy rather then lose weight. If she makes healthier choices the weight will come off. Some of what she is doing is surely comfort eating so simply being there to ask her about her day listening to her problems will also help.

 

[jenscats5]

I don't have kids myself but was overweight as a child.

Being that she's only 12 - it's very possible that she may drop a lot of that weight once she begins puberty & her period. I was pretty darned chubby when I was 12 - once I hit 16 - I thinned out a LOT. And I didn't exercise or eat any better.

DON'T (and I'm not saying you do) make ANY comments about her weight or what she eats. Such as: "You eat like a truck driver" "You're not going to eat that are you" "Sara ALWAYS finishes her plate" "She's such a big girl, but what a pretty face." You need to watch what you say as she could be VERY sensitive.

Try to offer nutritious foods & try to set an example for her. But don't force it & I woudn't suggest putting her on ANY sort of diet - as doing so can lead her to hiding & bingeing food. If you want her involved in exercise - try & do things together as a family stuff that is FUN like rollerblading, bicycling, walking, hiking, etc.

 

[heatherrae]

Those are all good points/ideas. I have decided that I will have her help me plant an herb garden and then I think she will really want to use what we grow together.

I'm pretty careful not to say anything that remotely eludes to her weight. I know that it would be detrimental. I will just try to cook more healthy choices and hope everyone gets on board with me. =-)