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Just ran across this.....Agreed!
Shopping Etiquette
The new official rules...
July 17, 2006
I tend to make two or three trips a week to get my groceries. Secondly, more people means more idiots. And the grocery store seems to be their church. Therefore, in the spirit of my rant against shitty drivers, I bring to you my Rules for Grocery Shopping.
Push your cart on your right. Most people who visit their local grocer use a fucking car to get there. And somehow, they managed to get there alive because they knew to drive on the right. Yet once they have a bascart in front of them, they become a flurry of inner questions: Do I just close my eyes and walk down the aisle? Have the driving rules in the store made us British? Should I be wearing a helmet?
Hi, you’re FAT, not handicapped. I saw you come in, chunky. You didn’t park in any of the available handicapped spaces, so what makes you think you deserve a motorized cart? I hate those fucking things. They’re slow and oversized enough as it is, and your jabba-esque physique tends to increase horizontally when in a seated position. With that in mind, your extra weight and mass makes those things even more annoying. And need I remind you that you’re probably better of walking anyway?
Get your checkbook or debit card ready. I know this may not be the case for some, but I’m not exactly waiting in the checkout lane because I fucking enjoy it. And I might add there’s a difference between small talk and the life-story you’re barking to the cashier. If you can’t write everything else that’s necessary on the check while you’re telling them about your kid pissing in the toilet for the first time, then NO ONE gives a good goddamn what’s going on in your life. Actually, to be honest, I didn’t care in the first place. Shut the fuck up and get the transaction ready. My beer is getting warm.
The self checkout lane is not for the weak of faculties, idiot. Look, it’s three EASY steps. Run your shit over the scanner, rub it on the yellow burser, and put it in a fucking bag. If it was rocket science they wouldn’t be paying sixteen-year-olds $5.15 an hour to do it. And the retarded guy figured out how to stick shit in a bag. So what the fuck is wrong with you? You know what? They should fix the U-scan machines to automatically shut off if you take more than one minute to do anything. Then in a very loud voice, tell your dumb ass to go back to a regular checkout system, and remind you that YOU are the reason we’re eons away from a Jetsons-like existence.
I’m sure I can think of several other things that piss me off about grocery store etiquette, but Footloose just came on the TV in the other room, and if I don’t turn it off right now I’m going to have to shove this fucking pen in my ear.
Shopping Etiquette
The new official rules...
July 17, 2006
I tend to make two or three trips a week to get my groceries. Secondly, more people means more idiots. And the grocery store seems to be their church. Therefore, in the spirit of my rant against shitty drivers, I bring to you my Rules for Grocery Shopping.
Push your cart on your right. Most people who visit their local grocer use a fucking car to get there. And somehow, they managed to get there alive because they knew to drive on the right. Yet once they have a bascart in front of them, they become a flurry of inner questions: Do I just close my eyes and walk down the aisle? Have the driving rules in the store made us British? Should I be wearing a helmet?
Hi, you’re FAT, not handicapped. I saw you come in, chunky. You didn’t park in any of the available handicapped spaces, so what makes you think you deserve a motorized cart? I hate those fucking things. They’re slow and oversized enough as it is, and your jabba-esque physique tends to increase horizontally when in a seated position. With that in mind, your extra weight and mass makes those things even more annoying. And need I remind you that you’re probably better of walking anyway?
Get your checkbook or debit card ready. I know this may not be the case for some, but I’m not exactly waiting in the checkout lane because I fucking enjoy it. And I might add there’s a difference between small talk and the life-story you’re barking to the cashier. If you can’t write everything else that’s necessary on the check while you’re telling them about your kid pissing in the toilet for the first time, then NO ONE gives a good goddamn what’s going on in your life. Actually, to be honest, I didn’t care in the first place. Shut the fuck up and get the transaction ready. My beer is getting warm.
The self checkout lane is not for the weak of faculties, idiot. Look, it’s three EASY steps. Run your shit over the scanner, rub it on the yellow burser, and put it in a fucking bag. If it was rocket science they wouldn’t be paying sixteen-year-olds $5.15 an hour to do it. And the retarded guy figured out how to stick shit in a bag. So what the fuck is wrong with you? You know what? They should fix the U-scan machines to automatically shut off if you take more than one minute to do anything. Then in a very loud voice, tell your dumb ass to go back to a regular checkout system, and remind you that YOU are the reason we’re eons away from a Jetsons-like existence.
I’m sure I can think of several other things that piss me off about grocery store etiquette, but Footloose just came on the TV in the other room, and if I don’t turn it off right now I’m going to have to shove this fucking pen in my ear.
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