nathan i was just like you back in 1992 tight when i noticed i was bi>>
I was notified on two separate occasions about two young collegiate men from my old fraternity chapter that had committed suicide. I was just a little shocked to say the least. I have never understood suicide outside of a painfully terminal illness. When I found myself terminally ill, and had come to realize that it was mostly my own fault, one could imagine that I would have been a candidate for suicide. Quite the opposite was true. I immediately started a quest for information and solutions to my situation. I refused the idea that this was the end. The will to live was alive and well within me. Considering that I had spent most of my life engaging in self-destructive behavior, one could be surprised again. I came to the realization that all of my life I had been slowly trying to die and now, when faced with that reality, I was balking at its possibility.
I began to realize what had been going on all of my life. I was not unlike many other young men in the world. I recognized that the transition from adolescence to teen to adult was a very stressful period of time. I was forced (while at the same time I craved the reality) to undergo painful and confusing feelings of separation from my peers, family, and educators. All of the concepts, realities, and feelings that I had always been comfortable with and secure in were undergoing a massive change as I became my own person. My identity was changing. I was no longer so-and-so's son, I was me. I was no longer the kid in the third row, I was me. Me was beginning to be somebody. But who was me. I was starting to recognize new feelings toward myself and toward others. My sexuality was starting to emerge, to become defined. My exposure to sex, alcohol and drugs was emerging. I had to make decisions as to what I was going to do, who I was going to be, how I was going to live.
I realized that I was different. That I was not always interested in the same things as my cohorts. That I was gay. My adjustments were to be difficult. They were to take longer. They would be more complicated. My life would be full of pain for a long time to come. For the heterosexual male, these adjustments seem to be a little easier. They are better able to cope with one of our most imbedded animalistic instincts a young man possesses. I am not saying that the changes and the pressures for them are not great also. If that were true, there would be no rape, incest, sexual abuse or divorce. Realizing that I was attracted to the same sex gave me a feeling of insecurity and self-loathing. I felt that I had to hide. I feared rejection and from the way the people around me talked and the way they seemed to feel, my fear was justified. I was to be an outcast. It is that little part of me that I felt that if anyone knew about, they would simply and completely hate me. This feeling I was sure would be true for my friends and teachers, and especially true for my family. After all, what father wants a gay son. What "regular" guy wants his best friend to be a "faggot." What mother wants her only son to be a "fairy."
The point to all of this is simple. When I was becoming of age, becoming my own person, becoming me, I had to survive all of the painful transition time so i started roid and wifeswapping and became friends w/ nathan.
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