On a Serious Note - Please be respectful!

[yonkers weights]

As some of you know my wife donated her liver almost 2 years ago to her father. He had liver cancer and it was spreading fast. He was told he had less then 3 months to live without a transplant. The donor list is very very long and it would of been too late. That's when my fiancee at the time said she would get tested to see if she could be a donor. She passed the test and was able to give him 60% of her liver and save his life! The liver is the only organ in the human body that grows back and made this possible. It was very hard on her and him and the family. She was home and out of work for 2 months and could not do anything around for almost 5-6 months. She had to see the doc every week for a couple of weeks and then every other week, then once a month and now she is clear! She went yesterday and got 100% cleared by her doc. Her father still has to go once a month to get tested and it will be that way for the rest of his life but at least he is alive.

Well over the past 2 years there have been several family fights on her side and for almost a year now they have not spoken. Very sad. They did not even spend the 1 year point from the surgery together, Nov 17th. I want to try to get them back together but it is hard. Her father and mother have been complete asswholes and have been really mean. I don't want to get into it all but how can I try to bring them back together? I hate them but it is her mom and dad and I would hate to have something happen to one of them and her be fighting with them at that time. Ya know, never get to patch things up and say good bye...

So how can I go about this without causing a bigger problem? It seems we all hate each other but I want things to be better for her sake and ours. My wife did not even want to invite them to our wedding but we did and they did not show up. Kind of sucks!

Please be respectful, this is a serious issue.

Thanks

 

[Mr. dB]

Don't try. They'll get back together when they're ready.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Your heart is good and I understand believe me... but Mr DB is right.

The best you can do is support your wife any way you can and listen when she talks.

 

[blueta2]

I would try to offer some advice, but I'm a stupid bitch

 

[nefertiti]

This partially depends on what the fights have been about. Do I remember correctly that you've been lending/giving them large sums of money and this stopped to the anger of the mother?

I don't understand the type of people who would essentially cut their daughter out of their lives for - well - almost any reason, so I'm not sure I can provide insight into how to reach out to them. If you invited them to the wedding and they didn't show, it seems they have no interest in reconciliation right now. You may just have to give it a little more time.

 

[yonkers weights]

I know but I feel so bad for her. We had 2 weddings the last 2 weekends and I see it in her eyes, she almost cries when they do the father daughter dance. I am strong for her but I want to make the pain go away. Ya know?

 

[jackangel]

I would try to offer some advice, but I'm a stupid bitch

shut the hell up you stupid bitch

 

[The Shadow]

My dad and his sister have not spoken for over 5 years.

It is not something you have any control over. Just make sure that the opportunity is thre for them shen they want it. Your woman did the right thing, and sometimes survivor's guilt is sometime the problem in situations such as this.

 

[yonkers weights]

Family BS. The dad lost his job and the mom never worked so they sit home and stir up BS. They suck in a nut shell. They have been fighting with everyone and the whole family, her mom's brothers and sisters turned their back on them too. I don't know if they are well or what their deal is. They just became very negative people. I did give them money several times to help them out at first but they have not done anything on their own and we were paying for our wedding. Ya know. They said they wanted to come but did not. They are such drama fucks. Her mom asked her own brothers and sisters not to go and they all did so she is pissed at them. Like I said it is a whole cluster fuck. I just want to try to be the peace guy in this and help out but it might be way past that point...

This partially depends on what the fights have been about. Do I remember correctly that you've been lending/giving them large sums of money and this stopped to the anger of the mother?

I don't understand the type of people who would essentially cut their daughter out of their lives for - well - almost any reason, so I'm not sure I can provide insight into how to reach out to them. If you invited them to the wedding and they didn't show, it seems they have no interest in reconciliation right now. You may just have to give it a little more time.

 

[myway]

I wouldn't even try it. Right now, I am in the ultimate battle with my parents. I am 6 months pregnant and have not heard from my mom for about 5 months. She said she didn't want to hear from me until I send her a REMORSEFUL appology about bullshit. At first, I almost gave in. That's what everyone does with her. It's the only way to end a fight with her--admit she's mistreated, admit ur dirt and accept the guilt trip. She did this same bullshit with my wedding. All of the attention was focused on me and shefelt left out='d guilt trip. Her best friend was dying with cancer and she threw a fit because people weren't paying enough attention to how helpful my mom was being towards her dying friend. She was pissed for not getting thank you cards from a woman who couldn't get out of bed. All of my relatives are telling me to not give in this time. They say there is no need for me to constantly satisfy her need to feel like a martyr. My hubby is kinda new to the family. Everytime he slightly tries to work the subject of my mom into a conversation, I wanna tell him to go let her cook his dinner.
I wouldn't touch it. Sure, it's a bad sittuation..... but I wouldn't touch it.

 

[yonkers weights]

It was like the her mom was pissed that my wife saved her father/her husbands life... Very weird people, like I said. Now he is out of work and sits at home next to his wife/her mom who is just a rude negative fuck and it rubbed off on him. Now they both are there alone and maybe not well.

My dad and his sister have not spoken for over 5 years.

It is not something you have any control over. Just make sure that the opportunity is thre for them shen they want it. Your woman did the right thing, and sometimes survivor's guilt is sometime the problem in situations such as this.

 

[velvett]

I'm stunned that there could be anything worthy of such an argument that would prevent a father to speak to a child who saved his life by sacrificing a part of themselves.

 

[AAP]

Tell them if they don't get over themselves, you are going to make her take her liver back.

Or how about this... no matter what you try you are going to be seen as an antagonist by BOTH parties. Hello Mister Villian.

 

[yonkers weights]

I feel for him and you. That's how I feel and it is kind of the same situation.
Best of luck to you too!

I wouldn't even try it. Right now, I am in the ultimate battle with my parents. I am 6 months pregnant and have not heard from my mom for about 5 months. She said she didn't want to hear from me until I send her a REMORSEFUL appology about bullshit. At first, I almost gave in. That's what everyone does with her. It's the only way to end a fight with her--admit she's mistreated, admit ur dirt and accept the guilt trip. She did this same bullshit with my wedding. All of the attention was focused on me and shefelt left out='d guilt trip. Her best friend was dying with cancer and she threw a fit because people weren't paying enough attention to how helpful my mom was being towards her dying friend. She was pissed for not getting thank you cards from a woman who couldn't get out of bed. All of my relatives are telling me to not give in this time. They say there is no need for me to constantly satisfy her need to feel like a martyr. My hubby is kinda new to the family. Everytime he slightly tries to work the subject of my mom into a conversation, I wanna tell him to go let her cook his dinner.
I wouldn't touch it. Sure, it's a bad sittuation..... but I wouldn't touch it.

 

[musclemom]

Were the fights going on before your (now) wife donated her liver, or is that about the time this business all started up?

 

[yonkers weights]

Family BS. Her mom is 1 of 8 kids and they all fight. They all talk behind each others backs and shit. My wife gets put in the middle with her mom and her sibblings and it sucks. So my wife just did not get involved and her mom got pissed and called her no loyal and a bunch of bs. Then it came to our wedding and her mom had so many issues. First we were doing 19 on a beach in Bermuda and her mom wanted to whole family there so then we made it 96 in Bermuda to please her. Then she complains they can't afford it and we are doing it there to make them look bad. SHE IS CRAZY! So then we scrap Bermuda and do it in NY and she flips out again saying I want to rub it in their faces that I was paying for it all and not them. She is crazy!!! She can not pleased...

WOW.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to but what were the fights about?

I'm stunned that there could be anything worthy of such an argument that would prevent a father to speak to a child who saved his life by sacrificing a part of themselves.

 

[yonkers weights]

After. Liver Nov 2005 and fights started in Sept 2006 and still going...

Were the fights going on before your (now) wife donated her liver, or is that about the time this business all started up?

 

[yonkers weights]

I know... It sucks!
I just want her to be happy...
She is happy but it is hard on her. I don;t want to see her in pain.

Tell them if they don't get over themselves, you are going to make her take her liver back.

Or how about this... no matter what you try you are going to be seen as an antagonist by BOTH parties. Hello Mister Villian.

 

[myway]

I feel for him and you. That's how I feel and it is kind of the same situation.
Best of luck to you too!

Thanx. She cancelled mother's day and father's day. She said they would be enjoying them without me. So, I didn't send her a birthday card 2 weeks ago. Got some fucked up email about how that prolly meant I didn't want her in my life. It makes no sense. This whole thing started when I bought a new puppy about 6 months ago even though she said it was a bad idea. Then, the fight got worse because I picked my OB/GYN(to deliver my baby) instead of checking with her about which Dr. I should use. She says she does not want to hear from me until I give her a sincere, remorseful appology about "not keeping her in the loop".

Good luck with u, too.

 

[yonkers weights]

I hope so... It has been about a year already and it does not look good.
I want my kids, when we have them, to have 2 sets of grandparents. Ya know. A happy household!

Don't try. They'll get back together when they're ready.

 

[yonkers weights]

That's what I mean. Fighting about crazy things. You can not fight with someone with no logic, right? If there was something that we did wrong, fine, admitt it and go on but they are wrong and have no clue what the issue is.
No logic = no answer

Thanx. She cancelled mother's day and father's day. She said they would be enjoying them without me. So, I didn't send her a birthday card 2 weeks ago. Got some fucked up email about how that prolly meant I didn't want her in my life. It makes no sense. This whole thing started when I bought a new puppy about 6 months ago even though she said it was a bad idea. Then, the fight got worse because I picked my OB/GYN(to deliver my baby) instead of checking with her about which Dr. I should use. She says she does not want to hear from me until I give her a sincere, remorseful appology about "not keeping her in the loop".

Good luck with u, too.

 

[velvett]

Family BS. Her mom is 1 of 8 kids and they all fight. They all talk behind each others backs and shit. My wife gets put in the middle with her mom and her sibblings and it sucks. So my wife just did not get involved and her mom got pissed and called her no loyal and a bunch of bs. Then it came to our wedding and her mom had so many issues. First we were doing 19 on a beach in Bermuda and her mom wanted to whole family there so then we made it 96 in Bermuda to please her. Then she complains they can't afford it and we are doing it there to make them look bad. SHE IS CRAZY! So then we scrap Bermuda and do it in NY and she flips out again saying I want to rub it in their faces that I was paying for it all and not them. She is crazy!!! She can not pleased...

I know this is not what you want to hear but she is better off without them.

Maybe her father is afraid to speak to her because he doesn't want his wife to find out and live with her wrath.

I don't know why I am remotely surprised at the selfish actions of a parent.

I wish I had something positive to say for your wife...

It is very sweet that you have such sensitivity toward the situation.

 

[yonkers weights]

VERY TRUE! I come from a good home so I guess I have certain things I want in my life and my kids lives in the future.

He is very afraid to speak up! I called him out on it on night. He was not happy but it is the truth!

I just want a happy life for all of us...I like everyone getting along. I hate conflict! I really do. I like when all are happy but I know that is not always reality!

I know this is not what you want to hear but she is better off without them.

Maybe her father is afraid to speak to her because he doesn't want his wife to find out and live with her wrath.

I don't know why I am remotely surprised at the selfish actions of a parent.

I wish I had something positive to say for your wife...

It is very sweet that you have such sensitivity toward the situation.

 

[musclemom]

The short answer: When parents pull that shit on their kids there ain't a whole lot you can do and the easiest course of action is stay far away and let it go, make a new family that loves and respects you and cares about your feelings.

People learn to manipulate and pull the martyr routine from their parents. If you don't have enough personal insight and objectivity to realize how selfish your behavior is, it becomes a lifestyle, like constantly lying. If you choose to ignore, or simply cannot see the results of your actions, i.e., think about how what you're saying/doing affects another, then nothing CAN be done to resolve it. It doesn't matter how much you try to mend the rift with them, how gently you step on the eggshells, how profusely you apologize, how much you give, they're like these emotional black holes, they just keep sucking and sucking and demanding more, making you feel that what you give is never enough, and constantly bitching about how horrible things are for them, and making you feel like somehow something you are or are not doing is making it worse.

The truth is, people like that won't change unless they CHOOSE to acknowledge their actions and make the change. Otherwise, they will continue to hurt those they claim to love in their selfishness.

 

[yonkers weights]

I agree 100% but wish it was different. I like when everyone gets along...
She has my family now who loves her so much! She talks everyday with my mom and sisters, they are very close. I am very lucky to have such a solid family to help her and I out in these times. God is good!

The short answer: When parents pull that shit on their kids there ain't a whole lot you can do and the easiest course of action is stay far away and let it go, make a new family that loves and respects you and cares about your feelings.

People learn to manipulate and pull the martyr routine from their parents. If you don't have enough personal insight and objectivity to realize how selfish your behavior is, it becomes a lifestyle, like constantly lying. If you choose to ignore, or simply cannot see the results of your actions, i.e., think about how what you're saying/doing affects another, then nothing CAN be done to resolve it. It doesn't matter how much you try to mend the rift with them, how gently you step on the eggshells, how profusely you apologize, how much you give, they're like these emotional black holes, they just keep sucking and sucking and demanding more, making you feel that what you give is never enough, and constantly bitching about how horrible things are for them, and making you feel like somehow something you are or are not doing is making it worse.

The truth is, people like that won't change unless they CHOOSE to acknowledge their actions and make the change. Otherwise, they will continue to hurt those they claim to love in their selfishness.

 

[velvett]

VERY TRUE! I come from a good home so I guess I have certain things I want in my life and my kids lives in the future.

I don't come from a "good home" but my better half has a very good relationship with his mom (his father died when he was just an infant) and it's been my experience that family does not necessarily equate to blood relatives.

Your wife is very lucky to have found you and I suspect that you are lucky to have found her as well just for different reasons.

 

[yonkers weights]

Very ture! I marreid her and we are starting our "own" life and we can choice who is in it. We are both very lucky to have each other. Take what you got and make the most of it.

I don't come from a "good home" but my better half has a very good relationship with his mom (his father died when he was just an infant) and it's been my experience that family does not necessarily equate to blood relatives.

Your wife is very lucky to have found you and I suspect that you are lucky to have found her as well just for different reasons.

 

[Bikini Mod]

MM is right...

My parents and brother are NOT people that either my sister or I want to be around. It was really hard at first letting them go but after the first time, it got easier. The earth did not stop turning, actually the day was HAPPY....

It will always hurt to some extent when there are members of your family who are like this no matter how hard you try. The best thing is to stay away from them and make your own family.

You have a good heart and are a good husband.

 

[yonkers weights]

What about when the kids come along?

MM is right...

My parents and brother are NOT people that either my sister or I want to be around. It was really hard at first letting them go but after the first time, it got easier. The earth did not stop turning, actually the day was HAPPY....

It will always hurt to some extent when there are members of your family who are like this no matter how hard you try. The best thing is to stay away from them and make your own family.

You have a good heart and are a good husband.

 

[heatherrae]

I would just keep inviting them to any function or party I was having until they finally show up and make up. You can't force it. You can only keep opening the door for them. They will have to walk through it.

 

[yonkers weights]

HR - I rather us just cut our losses now and move on... We tried and they did not come to the wedding...! Kind of a big deal. Hard to recover from it. Very hard on my wife. I was on the fence but now I think I am with her and want to cut and run.

 

[musclemom]

I agree 100% but wish it was different. I like when everyone gets along...
She has my family now who loves her so much! She talks everyday with my mom and sisters, they are very close. I am very lucky to have such a solid family to help her and I out in these times. God is good!

What you should try to get across to your wife is that as long as she remains hurt by the situation her family is STILL manipulating her. That's what "let it go" really means. She needs to let go of the hurt and forgive them and stop giving it any emotional energy. The more she can disconnect from those feelings of hurt, the less power they'll have over her in the future and she won't be so likely to get sucked in.

I've said it before, I'll say it again, and Velvett is basically echoing it, family will fuck you over faster than anybody. They know all your weaknesses and some of them won't hesitate to exploit them.

You're lucky you have a loving family who will embrace her as their own, that's all that matters.

 

[yonkers weights]

Very true! Very ture!
Thanks!

What you should try to get across to your wife is that as long as she remains hurt by the situation her family is STILL manipulating her. That's what "let it go" really means. She needs to let go of the hurt and forgive them and stop giving it any emotional energy. The more she can disconnect from those feelings of hurt, the less power they'll have over her in the future and she won't be so likely to get sucked in.

I've said it before, I'll say it again, and Velvett is basically echoing it, family will fuck you over faster than anybody. They know all your weaknesses and some of them won't hesitate to exploit them.

You're lucky you have a loving family who will embrace her as their own, that's all that matters.

 

[myway]

HR - I rather us just cut our losses now and move on... We tried and they did not come to the wedding...! Kind of a big deal. Hard to recover from it. Very hard on my wife. I was on the fence but now I think I am with her and want to cut and run.

I'm gonna be the same way if my mom drags this out til my baby is born. That's gonna be a big deal if she puts her selfishness before such a big event for the entire family.

 

[yonkers weights]

I feel ya. So much going on and to have to deal with their BS on top if it... Fucking crazy!

 

[cindylou]

HR - I rather us just cut our losses now and move on... We tried and they did not come to the wedding...! Kind of a big deal. Hard to recover from it. Very hard on my wife. I was on the fence but now I think I am with her and want to cut and run.

I'd forgive them quick like so you dont harbor onto anger and have it turn into something else.

However, you both should feel no need to continue contact with them. at least, expect them to remain a part of your lives, contact, maybe. They did not come to their daughter's wedding?? This will happen again. No need to keep hurting youselves.

Thats going to be a hard one for her to forget.

 

[jack sparrow]

Dude - please take your comments else where. Thanks. Make all the jokes you want and post pics in any other thread but not here.

Ok, but your still full of shit.

Am I band yet?

 

[yonkers weights]

I know. It is just hard. I had conflict... They are so negative too. I agree, it will just keep going on and on. Move on and don;t look back. Easier said then done. Maybe in time!

I'd forgive them quick like so you dont harbor onto anger and have it turn into something else.

However, you both should feel no need to continue contact with them. at least, expect them to remain a part of your lives, contact, maybe. They did not come to their daughter's wedding?? This will happen again. No need to keep hurting youselves.

Thats going to be a hard one for her to forget.

 

[Bikini Mod]

What about when the kids come along?

Between the two of us my sister and I have 7 children.

My sister's three have NEVER met my father.

My children knew him a little bit here and there but since I have had no contact with my children for over a year, neither has he. You know what's REALLY fucked up about that? My parents still call me every couple of months asking if they can see the girls. I am like, "Hello - idiots... what part of I CAN'T SEE MY KIDS BECAUSE OF THEIR SCURGE OF THE EARTH FATHER - YOUR X-SON-IN-LAW WHO YOU STILL WANT ME TO GO BACK TO - DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" They then say, "But we are the grandparents. Don't WE have rights?!?!"

XCUSE ME?

I want to reach through the phone and kill them for that. So I just stopped answering the phone.

All of our children really don't want that much to do with my mother because they are now at the age where they can see how fucked up she is to us and kids protect their mothers...

NONE of our children has ever met my brother. Nor will they.

It hurts a bit in the beginning but when your own children see how fucked up their grandparents/family are YOU realize that *maybe* they shouldn't be around YOU or YOUR CHILDREN.

 

[yonkers weights]

WOW. See I want to avoid that but I guess we are on the path too.
Sucks but it is life.
Thanks!!

Between the two of us my sister and I have 7 children.

My sister's three have NEVER met my father.

My children knew him a little bit here and there but since I have had no contact with my children for over a year, neither has he. You know what's REALLY fucked up about that? My parents still call me every couple of months asking if they can see the girls. I am like, "Hello - idiots... what part of I CAN'T SEE MY KIDS BECAUSE OF THEIR SCURGE OF THE EARTH FATHER - YOUR X-SON-IN-LAW WHO YOU STILL WANT ME TO GO BACK TO - DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" They then say, "But we are the grandparents. Don't WE have rights?!?!"

XCUSE ME?

I want to reach through the phone and kill them for that. So I just stopped answering the phone.

All of our children really don't want that much to do with my mother because they are now at the age where they can see how fucked up she is to us and kids protect their mothers...

NONE of our children has ever met my brother. Nor will they.

It hurts a bit in the beginning but when your own children see how fucked up their grandparents/family are YOU realize that *maybe* they shouldn't be around YOU or YOUR CHILDREN.

 

[Bikini Mod]

WOW. See I want to avoid that but I guess we are on the path too.
Sucks but it is life.
Thanks!!

You can not avoid it because YOU have no control over them (meaning the fucked up family).

Sorry... wish I could tell you something different, but I am giving it to you straight.

Your wife will see that she is better off without them in your lives. Don't badmouth them but don't push her to see them either.

Just listen when she talks.

 

[yonkers weights]

Thanks BM. Very ture!

 

[myway]

Between the two of us my sister and I have 7 children.

My sister's three have NEVER met my father.

My children knew him a little bit here and there but since I have had no contact with my children for over a year, neither has he. You know what's REALLY fucked up about that? My parents still call me every couple of months asking if they can see the girls. I am like, "Hello - idiots... what part of I CAN'T SEE MY KIDS BECAUSE OF THEIR SCURGE OF THE EARTH FATHER - YOUR X-SON-IN-LAW WHO YOU STILL WANT ME TO GO BACK TO - DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" They then say, "But we are the grandparents. Don't WE have rights?!?!"

XCUSE ME?

I want to reach through the phone and kill them for that. So I just stopped answering the phone.

All of our children really don't want that much to do with my mother because they are now at the age where they can see how fucked up she is to us and kids protect their mothers...

NONE of our children has ever met my brother. Nor will they.

It hurts a bit in the beginning but when your own children see how fucked up their grandparents/family are YOU realize that *maybe* they shouldn't be around YOU or YOUR CHILDREN.

That's the part im worried about. This will be the first baby in the family for a long time. The last baby was my cousin. He's 22 and the youngest. My mom is a BIG TIME control freak. She always pulls this BS. I don't want her pulling the same bs with MY children. My baby should be here by this December. It will be a stressful time when dealing with my mother because I know she will pop up to tell me about her rights.

 

[yonkers weights]

Just try to be strong and don't back down like you said others told you.
It will be hard and you will have enough going on but good luck!

That's the part im worried about. This will be the first baby in the family for a long time. The last baby was my cousin. He's 22 and the youngest. My mom is a BIG TIME control freak. She always pulls this BS. I don't want her pulling the same bs with MY children. My baby should be here by this December. It will be a stressful time when dealing with my mother because I know she will pop up to tell me about her rights.

 

[yonkers weights]

Just think how amazing things will be when you have a happy and healthy baby!

That's the part im worried about. This will be the first baby in the family for a long time. The last baby was my cousin. He's 22 and the youngest. My mom is a BIG TIME control freak. She always pulls this BS. I don't want her pulling the same bs with MY children. My baby should be here by this December. It will be a stressful time when dealing with my mother because I know she will pop up to tell me about her rights.

 

[yonkers weights]

I don't say anything bad even though it is very hard not too... :-(
I am always there for her to talk to or to cry to. It just sucks cause I can not control it. Hard for me to see her in pain and not be able to help.
We are better off without the, we both agree.

You can not avoid it because YOU have no control over them (meaning the fucked up family).

Sorry... wish I could tell you something different, but I am giving it to you straight.

Your wife will see that she is better off without them in your lives. Don't badmouth them but don't push her to see them either.

Just listen when she talks.

 

[H_T_]

a reminder that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow....regret is a terrible thing to live with. so far, my loved ones who have passed knew exactly how much i felt for them and how much i loved them. i would at the least try and leave this thought with them...

 

[yonkers weights]

I know. That's why I started this to begin with. I would not want her to be in that situation... At least make it where we are polite to each other. We don't have to hang out but if we see them it is not WW3 either. Fine line!

a reminder that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow....regret is a terrible thing to live with. so far, my loved ones who have passed knew exactly how much i felt for them and how much i loved them. i would at the least try and leave this thought with them...

 

[myway]

Just think how amazing things will be when you have a happy and healthy baby!

I Know!

 

[yonkers weights]

Your gonna have a baby! Enjoy it! Cherish it!
Fuck everything else, it is all meaningless!

I Know!

 

[Mickey36]

I think the advice of not trying to fix it but just being there for your wife to listen is the best advice. My mother would not talk to me for the first year I got married and rarely spoke with me for the next 5 because I married a soldier and not a lawyer. I just ignored her and try to communicate when I could and understood that this is how she is. She is my mother and her behaviour has taught me how not to act, and for that I appreciate it and I feel that it makes me a better mother. Now she talks to me all the time but that is because my husband did become a lawyer, after 11 years of being married. He basically ignores all of her comments and never spoke negatively of her but did listen to me bitch all those years. He was the one that told me that he could not care what she thought of him but only what I felt for him. He also taught me that her behaviour was indicative of her own emotional failings and needs more help, consideration, and happiness than I need. Try to look at it from a different perspective so that you can learn to live with it and not have it brew the negative feelings.

 

[Bikini Mod]

a reminder that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow....regret is a terrible thing to live with. so far, my loved ones who have passed knew exactly how much i felt for them and how much i loved them. i would at the least try and leave this thought with them...

I understand what you are saying, however, how much head-banging does one need to endure before you realize that those people just don't get it and they never will.

When my parents pass it will be sad, but only because of what could never be... 100% because of THEM and not because of some failure on my part of my sister's part.

I feel the same about my brother, but as an abusive alcoholic/drug addict I honestly don't need him or his hate-filled drama in my life and neither does my sister. Our lives are WAY better off without him in it. Hell, the last I spoke to him he threatened me when I was several months pregnant with my baby. That baby is now near 11 years old. Our children know that he exists but that it is NOT acceptable to tolerate his abuse and we are all better off without him around.

 

[yonkers weights]

Very good points. Thanks!

I think the advice of not trying to fix it but just being there for your wife to listen is the best advice. My mother would not talk to me for the first year I got married and rarely spoke with me for the next 5 because I married a soldier and not a lawyer. I just ignored her and try to communicate when I could and understood that this is how she is. She is my mother and her behaviour has taught me how not to act, and for that I appreciate it and I feel that it makes me a better mother. Now she talks to me all the time but that is because my husband did become a lawyer, after 11 years of being married. He basically ignores all of her comments and never spoke negatively of her but did listen to me bitch all those years. He was the one that told me that he could not care what she thought of him but only what I felt for him. He also taught me that her behaviour was indicative of her own emotional failings and needs more help, consideration, and happiness than I need. Try to look at it from a different perspective so that you can learn to live with it and not have it brew the negative feelings.

 

[yonkers weights]

Sometimes we are better off!

I feel when your young you need your parents in your life but as you get older you should want them in your lives. Big difference! Needing and wanting as we get older. My wife is 27, married, good job, great place to live, good husband, good friends, etc... She is her own person and does not need them anymore. Maybe that is the case with them too. They might see it as loosing a daughter... Who knows how those wackos think!

I understand what you are saying, however, how much head-banging does one need to endure before you realize that those people just don't get it and they never will.

When my parents pass it will be sad, but only because of what could never be... 100% because of THEM and not because of some failure on my part of my sister's part.

I feel the same about my brother, but as an abusive alcoholic/drug addict I honestly don't need him or his hate-filled drama in my life and neither does my sister. Our lives are WAY better off without him in it. Hell, the last I spoke to him he threatened me when I was several months pregnant with my baby. That baby is now near 11 years old. Our children know that he exists but that it is NOT acceptable to tolerate his abuse and we are all better off without him around.

 

[covergrl80]

There is nothing "you " can do but be a great husband and support your wife 100% in whatever she decides to do. I know that it bothers you, and I wish I could say more but you can not change the winds, only adjust the sails.

 

[yonkers weights]

I feel ya. It just sucks sometimes to see it in her eyes. Ya know. I am her husband and want to keep her safe from pain. This is out of my hands... Annoying.
Thanks!

There is nothing "you " can do but be a great husband and support your wife 100% in whatever she decides to do. I know that it bothers you, and I wish I could say more but you can not change the winds, only adjust the sails.

 

[H_T_]

I understand what you are saying, however, how much head-banging does one need to endure before you realize that those people just don't get it and they never will.

When my parents pass it will be sad, but only because of what could never be... 100% because of THEM and not because of some failure on my part of my sister's part.

I feel the same about my brother, but as an abusive alcoholic/drug addict I honestly don't need him or his hate-filled drama in my life and neither does my sister. Our lives are WAY better off without him in it. Hell, the last I spoke to him he threatened me when I was several months pregnant with my baby. That baby is now near 11 years old. Our children know that he exists but that it is NOT acceptable to tolerate his abuse and we are all better off without him around.

selfishness is a main ingridient in behavior like that. the only way you realize your errors is to actually think of others for a moment. something some people never do.....

 

[Bikini Mod]

selfishness is a main ingridient in behavior like that. the only way you realize your errors is to actually think of others for a moment. something some people never do.....

I matter too, at what point am I absolved of guilt for trying to preserve MY feelings? Trust me when I tell you that the shit they did is beyond reprehensible...

I dont feel the need to air all the cruelties that my parents have inflicted on us as they are STILL my parents and to put them down will not bring me up, nor will it make me feel better.

If my brother were to come to my door TODAY and say that he has been going to AA or some such and is clean and sober and wants to TRY to make ammends, I would welcome him into my life. My sister is not so sure. Interestingly enough I am the one he beat near death TWICE... not her. She says that I may be able to forgive him, but she never will because she loves me THAT much...

My parents, on the other hand - will NEVER change.

 

[Gymgurl]

selfishness is a main ingridient in behavior like that. the only way you realize your errors is to actually think of others for a moment. something some people never do.....

So very true....very hard to do somedays but true

 

[yonkers weights]

Very true BM. They are set in their ways and have done what they have done. There is a point when their is no turning back!

 

[Gymgurl]

When I take the "me" out of blame; all I have is bla, bla, bla... Just thought my sig was fitting here

 

[yonkers weights]

Alot of bla, bla, bla.

I think her parents really need help. Like they both lost it or something... For real.

When I take the "me" out of blame; all I have is bla, bla, bla... Just thought my sig was fitting here

 

[yonkers weights]

I feel ya HT and Gymgurl.

 

[yonkers weights]

Thanks to all for the positive advice!

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

As some of you know my wife donated her liver almost 2 years ago to her father. He had liver cancer and it was spreading fast. He was told he had less then 3 months to live without a transplant. The donor list is very very long and it would of been too late. That's when my fiancee at the time said she would get tested to see if she could be a donor. She passed the test and was able to give him 60% of her liver and save his life! The liver is the only organ in the human body that grows back and made this possible. It was very hard on her and him and the family. She was home and out of work for 2 months and could not do anything around for almost 5-6 months. She had to see the doc every week for a couple of weeks and then every other week, then once a month and now she is clear! She went yesterday and got 100% cleared by her doc. Her father still has to go once a month to get tested and it will be that way for the rest of his life but at least he is alive.

Well over the past 2 years there have been several family fights on her side and for almost a year now they have not spoken. Very sad. They did not even spend the 1 year point from the surgery together, Nov 17th. I want to try to get them back together but it is hard. Her father and mother have been complete asswholes and have been really mean. I don't want to get into it all but how can I try to bring them back together? I hate them but it is her mom and dad and I would hate to have something happen to one of them and her be fighting with them at that time. Ya know, never get to patch things up and say good bye...

So how can I go about this without causing a bigger problem? It seems we all hate each other but I want things to be better for her sake and ours. My wife did not even want to invite them to our wedding but we did and they did not show up. Kind of sucks!

Please be respectful, this is a serious issue.

Thanks

I didn't read the whole thread yet but perhaps the father has a lot of pride and feels indebted infinitely to his daughter, and since he thinks he can never repay her, he goes the defensive route, which would be sad. Why are they fighting anyway? If it's rooted in the surgery, what a great way to thank your daughter for saving your life. She should tell him she should've kept her liver all to herself and see how he responds. Can't hurt at this point with the way you say he's treating her.

 

[velvett]

When I take the "me" out of blame; all I have is bla, bla, bla... Just thought my sig was fitting here

I love that sig...

 

[yonkers weights]

Could be. I think the mom was mad and it rubbed off on him. He has been a great guy since I knew him but went down south after he lost his job and was home all the time with her mom. She is so negative...

I didn't read the whole thread yet but perhaps the father has a lot of pride and feels indebted infinitely to his daughter, and since he thinks he can never repay her, he goes the defensive route, which would be sad. Why are they fighting anyway? If it's rooted in the surgery, what a great way to thank your daughter for saving your life. She should tell him she should've kept her liver all to herself and see how he responds. Can't hurt at this point with the way you say he's treating her.

 

[jack sparrow]

'Mornin fuck stick!

 

[BNG]

Your heart is good and I understand believe me... but Mr DB is right.

The best you can do is support your wife any way you can and listen when she talks.

Some things you can't fix. They have to fix themselves. It took me years of marriage to learn that when your wife is spilling her problems on you it doesn't mean she wants a solution. ( I am a fixer) Just let her vent, tell her you love her, ect.

Nothing you do will make an asshole change.

 

[yonkers weights]

Yup and asshole is an asshole!

Some things you can't fix. They have to fix themselves. It took me years of marriage to learn that when your wife is spilling her problems on you it doesn't mean she wants a solution. ( I am a fixer) Just let her vent, tell her you love her, ect.

Nothing you do will make an asshole change.

 

[binö]

damn younkers, cheers to your bride!

 

[yonkers weights]

Thanks bro very much!

 

[binö]

Thanks bro very much!

so what type of steps does your wimman have to take?
no booze, no certain type of foods? when is her liver back to 100%?
and have you seen the curb your enthusiasm about the kidney transplant?

 

[Bikini Mod]

Some things you can't fix. They have to fix themselves. It took me years of marriage to learn that when your wife is spilling her problems on you it doesn't mean she wants a solution. ( I am a fixer) Just let her vent, tell her you love her, ect.

Nothing you do will make an asshole change.

I have to keep telling my hubby that... he is learning.

Most women vent because they want to unload, maybe think out loud and not necessarily because they want someone to *fix* it.

 

[yonkers weights]

No booze for 4 weeks before and 6 months after. Nothing really with her foods. No or little stress. No lifting of any kind for 6 months. Special Iron meds and some other meds too. It is back 100%, it actually grows back pretty quick. It starts rigth away. Pretty amazing. She is off all the meds and no more doc visits. All is good on her end!
Very lucky and blessed!

Yea, it was pretty funny. Love that show. New season starts soon.

so what type of steps does your wimman have to take?
no booze, no certain type of foods? when is her liver back to 100%?
and have you seen the curb your enthusiasm about the kidney transplant?

 

[yonkers weights]

She is just unloading but I wish she did not even have to deal with their bs.
All in time. All in time.

I have to keep telling my hubby that... he is learning.

Most women vent because they want to unload, maybe think out loud and not necessarily because they want someone to *fix* it.

 

[chewyxrage]

Re: Pardon for offtopic to be

Why pick this thread to spam on?

 

[cindylou]

lol yonkers. I wonder what happened to him - do you think he still has a job at Citi?

 

[tha joker]

Through error, error, error, and trial, I have learned it is best to keep your in laws at arms length. If they want to work things out with their daughter, they will. It is best to not try and play peacemaker. These people were looney way before you came into the picture and you are in a truly unfortunate position. However, you are not a therapist, nor Buddha, nor Ghandi. Speaking from experience, if you want to protect your own sanity and emotions, just leave them be. It can be very difficult at times.

 

[chris302001]

I would try to offer some advice, but I'm a stupid bitch

agreed
































(before lock)

 

[Razorguns]

This is how life works:

Families fight, Don't talk.

Then one day, something bad happens. Then they go "Oh man, I WISH I had spent more time with them. Not fought with them. What I'd do to go back and love them again".

That's about the time I feel like slapping the shit out of them.

r

 

[Bikini Mod]

agreed
































(before lock)

I'll second that but i would like to add the word *toxic*