OK Explain this male behavior to me....

[Werd]

I am already pretty sure I know the answer, but still being a girl I am tired of trying to wrap my head around it.

Me and the old beau kind of called it quits at summer's end. Thought many SERIOUS things were amiss, but that was not the case. Bottom line is this: cold feet on his end and him needing space after being so wrapped up in taking care of his ailing late wife.

I backed off BIGTIME. But it has been 4 months! We only saw each other 2 and both times everything was like it was before, then BAM... he needs space again... He loves me but isn't ready to see me, I shouldnt give up because he isnt ready to.

I understand that grief is an odd thing. This is not like when you go through a divorce. There are some other intricate issues but I am not going to go into them here.

I have known him for 3 years but we didn't begin to date until we established contact again about 2 months after his wife died. He pursued me, not the other way around. I was happy showing up and hanging, having fun and leaving when we were done. Then I believed he was serious, the kids got involved and the rest is history (yall all know about the returned bday gift incident).

Now I am truly ready to move on, but I WONT CHEAT. We had a serious spoken commitment. I love him dearly and wanted very much for us to become a family... I mean - WE WERE ONE - his kids, mine he even spoke of us having a baby. ALL CAME FROM HIM! NOT ME!!!

Anyways, I have been dating when my schedule allows but I haven't let another man even hold my hand. I couldn't do it before, but now I am ready to. I want to date other men with a clear consciense.

I sent him an email stating this SPECIFICALLY... telling him how much I loved him but that it wasn't fair for him to do this to me OR my kids (who miss him and love him). I needed him to let me go, that I wasn't pissed, I just wanted closure and I wanted him to remain a big part of the lives of my children as I hope that we could continue to be wonderful friends (I mean this 100%).

Response?

NONE.... WTF?!

 

[The Shadow]

...drop him.

Period.

End of discussion.

 

[Werd]

I have a date lined up for this weekend that I am very much looking forward to, but I dont want to feel like I am cheating. So if I go out with this guy and start to date him, then I didn't cheat.... right?

I have NEVER cheated on a man that I had a spoken commitment to.

 

[KillahBee]

lmao @ no response! that's exactly how I would have played it! who the fuck knows? goddamn - and people wonder why I am so against relationships. all that drama bullshit. ridding your life of all that (and I mean truly ridding yourself of it) is like achieving complete serenity. just move on and do what will make you happy (although the drama probably is the thing that makes you happy - no disrespect meant).

 

[PatsFan34]

Sounds like this dude wants cake and to eat it too!!!

Dump his ass, I know it's easier said then done, but you gotta look out for you and what makes YOU happy!!!

 

[Werd]

Are you serious? This was not a guy that I met last week and doinked a few times.

After pursuing a serious woman who is going through some really tough stuff and PURPOSELY involving her kids you would just say nothing?

Dude, that is totally heartless.

How do you go from telling someone's children that you love them (which he did not one week ago on one of my kids' birthdays to) NO REPLY?

 

[The Shadow]

.....hence my reply

 

[*MissFit*]

U gotta do.. what u gotta do..can't hold on to hopes and dream.. u have to make them happen

 

[shawnerk]

Hmmm... well, I dont know the history or any other posts about this, but I would think that if you are unavailable and not calling him, he'll want you more. If you call or write even to talk about moving on, he won't want you. Least that has been my experience- We always want the chase. So, if you want him...don't chase him- If you don't want him -tell him you're done and be done.. no calls/letters/lunches/etc. Makes it harder to move on- and the new guy will resent you too. IMHO

 

[Werd]

Sounds like this dude wants cake and to eat it too!!!

Dump his ass, I know it's easier said then done, but you gotta look out for you and what makes YOU happy!!!

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I know that he has been doinking others, that is cool. But for fuck's sake, be a man and own up to it.

I was thinking, "How convenient for him to have me in his backpocket when HE KNOWS what a faithful sap I am."

It's all good. My consciense is clear. I have never cheated and until a relationship is truly OVER where BOTH parties SAY, "WE ARE DONE" (just as I believe there is no commitment until BOTH partis SAY,"WE ARE COMMITTED.) then no one is allowed to engage in a physical relationship with another. For me - those are the rules.

 

[The Shadow]

Look...two things:

1 - If it IS grief, neither you nor he can set a time frame.

2 - If its not...then its not and hes dodging you.


....are you SURE he got the email?

 

[Werd]

Look...two things:

1 - If it IS grief, neither you nor he can set a time frame.

2 - If its not...then its not and hes dodging you.


....are you SURE he got the email?

1 - It IS grief... he loved his wife, took care of her until the day she died. He didn't love her passionately (he knew she would die when he proposed) but THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS and he was there for her. He does have a tremendous amount of guilt however because after she died he found out that she knew for fact that he DID cheat on her. So now he is tangled up in some sort of unpleasantness w/the inlaws over it. NOT MY GIG - NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THAT.

2 - He has no need to dodge me. I have left him alone plenty. Then he will email me and we will see each other and everything would be "ok" then some other stressful shit would arise (BIG problems with one of his kids) and MY OWN EXSTRESS....

I just want to move on with a clear consciense knowing I did everything I could. I love him and I KNOW his feelings were genuine. He would NEVER have involved my children if they were not.... It isn't like him to NOT reply. In the past we have had disagreements where we straight up told each other to fuck off so I dont see why he wouldn't be able to tell me straight out - I am sorry, I didnt' mean to hurt you, but I am fucked up (which he has said that it wasn't me.. he has issues to deal with bout 2 months ago) PLEASE MOVE ON and find someone to love you.

I would do that for someone if I loved them.

 

[PatsFan34]

I was thinking, "How convenient for him to have me in his backpocket when HE KNOWS what a faithful sap I am."

B.I.N.G.O and Bingo was his name-o!!!

 

[gonelifting]

"""I have left him alone plenty. Then he will email me and we will see each other and everything would be "ok" """


That`s called a booty call.

 

[hardrock]

U gotta do.. what u gotta do..can't hold on to hopes and dream.. u have to make them happen

Well said.

Tell that fool to kick rocks, and move on.

 

[bluepeter]

 

[The Shadow]

1 - It IS grief... he loved his wife, took care of her until the day she died. He didn't love her passionately (he knew she would die when he proposed) but THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS and he was there for her. He does have a tremendous amount of guilt however because after she died he found out that she knew for fact that he DID cheat on her. So now he is tangled up in some sort of unpleasantness w/the inlaws over it. NOT MY GIG - NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THAT.

^^^^then you have your answer.

 

[from zero]

Lose him.

 

[DIVISION]

I have known him for 3 years but we didn't begin to date until we established contact again about 2 months after his wife died. I was happy showing up and hanging, having fun and leaving when we were done. Then I believed he was serious, the kids got involved and the rest is history (yall all know about the returned bday gift incident).

Werd, after reading your posts for months now, I can safely say none of these situations are isolated incidents. Drama follows you and it's not a coincidence, it's partly because you bring it, instigate it and foster it. Whether you understand and/or accept this is on you, but NO ONE has this much drama without them being partly responsible for it.

I sent him an email stating this SPECIFICALLY... telling him how much I loved him but that it wasn't fair for him to do this to me OR my kids (who miss him and love him). I needed him to let me go, that I wasn't pissed, I just wanted closure and I wanted him to remain a big part of the lives of my children as I hope that we could continue to be wonderful friends (I mean this 100%). Response? NONE.... WTF?!

You don't get "closure" through e-mail......if it was that important that you end this aspect of the relationship, you DON'T do it vie e-mail! "Wonderful friends"? Are you serious? You send him an e-mail basically ending the relationship and then tie it up by throwing him a bone. SURE. That's gonna work. No guy with any self-respect would accept that, esp considering that you did this all via e-mail (how intimate). The non-response you got, Werd, was basically him saving face and well justified considering the circumstances.




DIV

 

[Werd]

Werd, after reading your posts for months now, I can safely say none of these situations are isolated incidents. Drama follows you and it's not a coincidence, it's partly because you bring it, instigate it and foster it. Whether you understand and/or accept this is on you, but NO ONE has this much drama without them being partly responsible for it.



You don't get "closure" through e-mail......if it was that important that you end this aspect of the relationship, you DON'T do it vie e-mail! "Wonderful friends"? Are you serious? You send him an e-mail basically ending the relationship and then tie it up by throwing him a bone. SURE. That's gonna work. No guy with any self-respect would accept that, esp considering that you did this all via e-mail (how intimate). The non-response you got, Werd, was basically him saving face and well justified considering the circumstances.




DIV

What part of this guy avoiding ME didn't you understand? Funny, everyone else on this thread could figure it out. He is the one who draws me close, then pulls away suddenly - NO WARNING - NO REASON.

Intimate? I was going to drive an hour each way knowing full well that he would not be present to put little Mikulas gifts into his shoes, some were gifts my kids made. Just because I wanted to share the warmth of this little tradition of mine during this time that must be hard for him. His wife became quite ill this time of year last year and I KNOW it isn't easy for him.

I wasn't ending the relationship. I was giving him a painless way out if he found it too hard.

You in college? Then why do you have difficulty comprehending simple english?

 

[Werd]

^^^^then you have your answer.

So then are you saying that it is the right thing for me to move on?

I am trying so hard to be patient and supportive, but it isn't fair what he is doing... I mean, I dont understand why he was so adiment KNOWING me and my situation so well, then to just suddenly pull away like that...

I want so much to talk to him but he wont see me. It isn't fair.

 

[Forge]

1 - It IS grief... he loved his wife, took care of her until the day she died. He didn't love her passionately (he knew she would die when he proposed) but THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS and he was there for her. He does have a tremendous amount of guilt however because after she died he found out that she knew for fact that he DID cheat on her. So now he is tangled up in some sort of unpleasantness w/the inlaws over it. NOT MY GIG - NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX THAT.

2 - He has no need to dodge me. I have left him alone plenty. Then he will email me and we will see each other and everything would be "ok" then some other stressful shit would arise (BIG problems with one of his kids) and MY OWN EXSTRESS....

I just want to move on with a clear consciense knowing I did everything I could. I love him and I KNOW his feelings were genuine. He would NEVER have involved my children if they were not.... It isn't like him to NOT reply. In the past we have had disagreements where we straight up told each other to fuck off so I dont see why he wouldn't be able to tell me straight out - I am sorry, I didnt' mean to hurt you, but I am fucked up (which he has said that it wasn't me.. he has issues to deal with bout 2 months ago) PLEASE MOVE ON and find someone to love you.

I would do that for someone if I loved them.

Let him go Werd, I don't think he's someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Remember the good times but don't forget how he treated you at the end; move on, and don't feel guilty about dating other men. He's the one who has ended this, you don't have to hold yourself in case he "changes his mind" down the road. There's no reason you should put your life on hold because he doesn't know how to treat you right.

 

[Werd]

Let him go Werd, I don't think he's someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Remember the good times but don't forget how he treated you at the end; move on, and don't feel guilty about dating other men. He's the one who has ended this, you don't have to hold yourself in case he "changes his mind" down the road. There's no reason you should put your life on hold because he doesn't know how to treat you right.

You are right...

 

[from zero]

So then are you saying that it is the right thing for me to move on?

I am trying so hard to be patient and supportive, but it isn't fair what he is doing... I mean, I dont understand why he was so adiment KNOWING me and my situation so well, then to just suddenly pull away like that...

I want so much to talk to him but he wont see me. It isn't fair.

Then leave, and find someone who won't act like a fucking child.

 

[Werd]

Then leave, and find someone who won't act like a fucking child.

You are also correct.

 

[Evil_Frisky]

You are right...

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book
where all of the sayings and preaching of
Rabbis are conserved over time.
It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to be loved."


Move on sugar, your deserving of better

 

[DIVISION]

What part of this guy avoiding ME didn't you understand? Funny, everyone else on this thread could figure it out. He is the one who draws me close, then pulls away suddenly - NO WARNING - NO REASON.

I understand alot of thing, Werd. First and foremost I know that plenty of people have tried to help you, but you only hear what you want to hear, therefore you stay where you are in terms of your maturity and the type of men you attract. You start "drama" threads on the regular, then you get all pissy when give you contructive criticism.

I wasn't ending the relationship. I was giving him a painless way out if he found it too hard.

You see it as "giving him a painless way out"; he sees it as "you cutting him off". That's real, whether you want to see it that way or not.




DIV

 

[bluepeter]

The neverending story part 10.

 

[The Shadow]

So then are you saying that it is the right thing for me to move on?

I am trying so hard to be patient and supportive, but it isn't fair what he is doing... I mean, I dont understand why he was so adiment KNOWING me and my situation so well, then to just suddenly pull away like that...

I want so much to talk to him but he wont see me. It isn't fair.

You dont have a choice....you cant decide for him.

If you dont feel comfortable going out, then dont.

 

[DIVISION]

The neverending story part 10.

Without the dog, Atreyu or the fucking princess.......





DIV

 

[Werd]

I understand alot of thing, Werd. First and foremost I know that plenty of people have tried to help you, but you only hear what you want to hear, therefore you stay where you are in terms of your maturity and the type of men you attract. You start "drama" threads on the regular, then you get all pissy when give you contructive criticism.



You see it as "giving him a painless way out"; he sees it as "you cutting him off". That's real, whether you want to see it that way or not.




DIV

Ummmm EVERYONE on this thread is telling me to cut this guy loose.

Where is the drama here?.... till you.

HE CUTS ME OFF, then brings me back.... THEN CUTS ME OFF (not talking about sex here - have to be in the same room to have sex), then brings me back. THEN CUTS ME OFF, then tells my kids that he loves them, then brings me back, THEN CUTS ME OFF...

YOU are the only one with YOUR point of view on THIS THREAD. (Which you are wholely entitled to, but please do not pretend that it is the opinion held by any one else and that "I only hear what I want to hear.... " just because I am ignoring you.)

 

[Werd]

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book
where all of the sayings and preaching of
Rabbis are conserved over time.
It says: "Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to be loved."


Move on sugar, your deserving of better

Thank you, your words hit home specifically because he is a Jew. He can actually read and speak Hebrew... I seriously considered converting, not because he requested, but because I WANTED TO.

 

[Werd]

You dont have a choice....you cant decide for him.

If you dont feel comfortable going out, then dont.

You are 100% correct.

I only want conversation, just a dialogue, but he will not allow it. It must be on his terms and I am getting worn down.

I love him very deeply but I can't do this anymore.

 

[XBiker]

Lose him, find someone else, get a life and stop posting your personal drama on C&C.

Problem solved.

 

[Werd]

I'll remember that bit of wisdom... LOL

 

[DIVISION]

Ummmm EVERYONE on this thread is telling me to cut this guy loose. Where is the drama here?.... till you.

You already HAVE cut him loose.......so what's the deal, y0? The point I was making is that "YOU ARE THE DRAMA", it doesn't just follow you for a reason, it's the people you attract and you being you. Until you change yourself, you'll always have these type issues. Stop acting like you're the victim in every situation and claim some responsibility.

YOU are the only one with YOUR point of view on THIS THREAD. (Which you are wholely entitled to, but please do not pretend that it is the opinion held by any one else and that "I only hear what I want to hear.... " just because I am ignoring you.)

Just because they don't post in your "DRAMA" threads doesn't mean there isn't a contigent of people who see through your bullshit......they just choose to avoid you because they are tired of you. Look through some of the old threads you posted and you'll see what I mean.




DIV

 

[DIVISION]

Lose him, find someone else, get a life and stop posting your personal drama on C&C.

Problem solved.

Dude........I've said that. Several people have said that........she doesn't listen. Werd lives for Drama.



DIV

 

[Y_lifter]

Did you put a read receipt on your Email to him ?

 

[Werd]

You already HAVE cut him loose.......so what's the deal, y0? The point I was making is that "YOU ARE THE DRAMA", it doesn't just follow you for a reason, it's the people you attract and you being you. Until you change yourself, you'll always have these type issues. Stop acting like you're the victim in every situation and claim some responsibility.



Just because they don't post in your "DRAMA" threads doesn't mean there isn't a contigent of people who see through your bullshit......they just choose to avoid you because they are tired of you. Look through some of the old threads you posted and you'll see what I mean.

DIV

If you are tired of my "drama" the way Xbiker also claims to be yet who also devalues his precious time by bothering to post up,

PUT ME ON IGNORE hehehehehehe

See, I am no longer the "evil bitch mod from hell that bans people for no good reason". So you can't use that flimsy excuse any longer.

This is what I find to be most amusing YO about peeps like yoself (did I say that in such a fashion so as to make you understand?)...

You blah, blah, blah negative bullshit that nobody cares to hear (everyone else on the thread seems to have ignored you quite effectively YO) but go on and on about how YOU are tired of MY drama?

I take total responsibility for my life.

I dont sit up here and take my precious time telling other people what to post and not to post because I happen to be tired of reading the one/two threads they post per month (if that). I simply refrain from replying or even better, I just dont bother opening the thread. Quite honestly I dont know jack shit about you because I have never EVER opened a thread that you have authored nor have I bothered to read a single post that you wrote directed at someone other than me.

So now, who is the one with "issues" here?

Must suck ass to be the guy that all the pretty intelligent women ignore.

 

[Kroliczek]

Without the dog, Atreyu or the fucking princess.......


DIV

oh such wonderful memories. I loved that movie. The second one was such a disappointment though.

 

[Werd]

Did you put a read receipt on your Email to him ?

Yahoo doesn't allow that option (I dont think).

Bottom line is this. He will reply to some emails and flat out choose not to reply to others.

I actually cut and pasted the words that Frisky Girl put in this thread and emailed that to him as well asking again quite sweetly.. "Tell me what you need from me"

Still, no reply.

There is a lot going on. In addition to him being bipolar (which he told me before we became serious) which he is medicated for, his wife became VERY ILL this time last year and finally passed in early April.

I have known him for over 3 years. He does not play games when it comes to this sort of thing. He knows how much I protect my kids. He made some VERY serious commitments to me and though I dont understand what he is going through (never been widowed) I have to think about me and my kids too. I know this sounds selfish, but what am I to do when he tells me,"Dont give up, I am not" but then give me VERY LITTLE hope of any sort of resolution and nearly totally shuts me out.

I need to move on with a clear consciense. That is what this is about.

He is no angel, but I KNOW he is not the world's most heartless asshole either.

He has issues that I can not help him with because he wont even let me close enough to try to help.

It is not my preference to date other men, but now I will do it with a clear consciense. I have never been unfaithful to any man that I have loved.

Life is a circle. If it keeps bringing us back together the way it has over the past 3 years then we will come back together. The only question will be as to the capacity of our relationship. I will ALWAYS think of him with only the deepest affection.

 

[wutangnomo]

....cold feet on his end and him needing space....

He loves me but isn't ready to see me....

He pursued me, not the other way around....

Now I am truly ready to move on, but I WONT CHEAT....

ALL CAME FROM HIM! NOT ME!!!

Anyways, I have been dating when my schedule allows but I haven't let another man even hold my hand.

I needed him to let me go....

Hmmmmm.....

 

[Werd]

Hmmmmm.....

I dont understand what you are trying to say. You edit together different statements taking them out of context and say Hmmmmmmmmm.

Please explain.

 

[Y_lifter]

Dealing with bi-polar people is like having 6 dogs when the doorbell rings..

 

[Werd]

Dealing with bi-polar people is like having 6 dogs when the doorbell rings..

WERD


Fist off, may I say how much I LOVE your avatar? Is that you?

HEheheheheheheheheheee

In the 3+ years that I have known this guy we have NEVER been in contact during this time of year, never a "Happy Holidays".... We would always lose contact just before and not start to speak again till after the holiday rush.

We spent late spring and ALL SUMMER together quite happily. Not saying there was no stress because there was PLENTY for us both but it all seemed to fade away when we were together - our families grew closer every day. Towards the end it was like we were already married. Everytime we had to leave my kids hated it, I hated it, he hated it. Then BAM! freak out city on his end....

I have been told that the bipolar thing goes in swings that last MONTHS...

I have been meeting some really nice guys lately. Haven't done anything with anyone yet, but I am getting to the point where I want to be free to see if anything might. All I wanted from him was to let me go so he could move on to do what he needed to do and I could go on to be free to take care of me and my kids and continue our lives.

His non-reply was reply enough for me.

I am not angry or even hurt. Passed that. I can now move on knowing I did everything I could.

 

[Y_lifter]

WERD
Fist off, may I say how much I LOVE your avatar?

Is that you?

Yea, after going on one date with you I was reduced this ..

 

[Werd]

Yea, after going on one date with you I was reduced this ..

LOL Pucker up and gimme some sugar...