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Not doing well right now

chesty

chesty

Bodybuilding Competitor
Elite Moderator
Okay, so this will sound like a Bmom thing, but I don't have any friends to talk to and my kids are way to young so here it goes.

I haven't talked much about my personal life except for my daughters. I have been with this lady for 17 years, married for a majority of it to her, then we got divorced and after a bit decided to work on it. Problem was I was to busy to work on it.

Now we have hit a crux, she who was not giving up has almost given up. She wants to work it out, but isn't sure she can open up again.

She has agreed to go to the counselor together to work this out. With the ultimate goal of undoing the divorce. Even if we don't undo that, the goal would be to stay together and be happy till we die.

Anyhow, I didn't realize how much I actually loved her till she asked to have her own room and told me that she has pretty much shut me out. Wow, that hurt a lot more than I expected and I realized something as well.

I wouldn't have made it through college, or the last 17 years of my life. I think honestly I would have swallowed a bullet. I was so busy being macho and such that I didn't allow my self to express any feelings to her and routinely told her to leave when we would fight.

Through all that she still stayed. I was just too stupid to know why. And now that I have almost lost her, I wake up. How stupid can a person be? I was so afraid of being hurt that I end up getting hurt and in the process push away the only person that would stay with me even though I have been the biggest dick on the planet.

I haven't eaten but a couple of small meals in the past three weeks, and haven't been able to do my homework, sleep or work in general. She wants to work on it, but she doesn't know if she can open up again to love me. She is scared to death of being hurt by me again. I don't blame her and I most certainly deserve the pain I am feeling now.

I am not a spiritual or religous person, I don't go to church, etc. But I found myself going to her pastor for help.

Ever since I met her, there has always been something bringing us together every time we drifted apart, and after our first date and so on. I can't really explain it other than I have to believe that there is a reason we suffering this much. That reason would be that we are supposed to be together and hopefully through this pain we become stronger and closer.
 
Time will tell bro. Here's what can help you cope in the meantime though: DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO to make her happy starting RIGHT NOW, without going overboard. If in the end it doesn't work out, then you won't have any regrets. The reason you are feeling so shitty right now, is because of the guilt you feel for somewhat doing this to yourself, as well as to her--on account of you being a dick to her, as you stated. Again, do your BEST from here on out bro. From here on out, you are going to do everything better than before. It might scare her if doing this is the complete mirror opposite from how you treated her before, but that will be her problem. In a way, you have to think of your own mental health right now. KNOWING that you are changed(or trying to) will be your solice. If in the end(again) it works out, then you did a great thing for both of you. If it doesn't, you did something great for yourself(by changing), and the best you could to at least try to salvage this relationship. Does that make any sence?
 
clear your mind of guilt... then evaluate your feelings for her. Guilt is a temporary emotion and should not dictate feelings for anyone.
 
Being a female ...I can say just start changing and working on it now. I'm sure most of the feelings that she is having is coming from the fact that you have shown no interest in the past to change or to work together. Use this as your wake up call and get moving. If you feel that you have been brought together for a reason then get it together. Good luck, I know it is very hard but it will be the best thing for you if you both want it to work.
 
if you both want it to work you can make it work but it will take time
both need to be very open and discuss (not yell) what bothers you, what you want to change not just in each other but yourselfs
counseling will only work if both partners want it to work
and you may consider at some point bringing your daughters into the counseling session because not just your behaviour but attitudes to each other affects them

where you seek advice from is no matter as long as it is sound
don't consider him a religious figure but rather a friend
and you may consider renewing your friendship with your spouse
perhaps find someone to watch the kids for a weekend and go away for a while and get to know each other again
over a period of years people grow
sometimes together sometimes not
perhaps that is what happened
good luck
and whatever happens you need to know you tried your best (you are going to try aren't you?) and that it is no one's fault
things change and no one could foresee it
guilt is a very destructive force do not allow it to drag you down
 
Hey chesty , sorry to hear that mang , i think Frack said it well tho (and short too my man) , the truth is you will always find yourselves back together for whatever indecipherable reason ..... and if she truly loves you then she will help you to change and give you time....its not easy for anyone.... I know this too. Best fo luck hombre.
 
she would have ditched you a long time ago unless she wants to stay around. Maybe it's a hint that you have not done enough to patch up whatever you need to....
 
oh...and a Bmom thing would have been "I'm moving to Grenada to take up poetry and hump LaQuesha the supervisor of janitorial services at Hotel Grenada...but I still love my kids".
 
Ok, You've gotta print out your starting message and show it to her. Tell her someone on the boards told you to do it.

If you don't then she'll probably never know how you truly feel. It souds to me like your not the sort of guy that can/likes to express your feelings very well so this is the best way to do it.

Even if you do try to open up to her, you'll probably forget to say the important things.

Do this and keep us updated, Good luck.
 
It sounds like you definitely realize what you have done and what you can lose. Start making an effort immediately. I agree, show her your post, you opened up completely in it... I've been in a similar situation (not for as many years as her) and it would mean the world to me to read something like you wrote.

This woman obviously loves you very much. She has stuck by your side for a long time and dealt with what you had to dish out. I think if you truly make an effort she will open up her heart to you again. Show her how much you love and cherish her every day. I wish you both all the best!
 
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My husband was divorced by his wife after 18 years of marriage....I am his 2nd wife an dhe does listen more & is responsive to my needs...he remembers his wife complaining about him not listening, caring & crying he was insensitive....when their daughter was 12 she threw him out.....

She obviously still loves you....wake up & give her the time & attention she deserves....since you have posted here you are aware of the problem so try you're best....good luck & I hope it all works out for you...
 
jd_uk said:
Ok, You've gotta print out your starting message and show it to her. Tell her someone on the boards told you to do it.

If you don't then she'll probably never know how you truly feel. It souds to me like your not the sort of guy that can/likes to express your feelings very well so this is the best way to do it.

Even if you do try to open up to her, you'll probably forget to say the important things.

Do this and keep us updated, Good luck.
Click to expand...
i agree with this, and what atomic punk said.

im gunna be straight with you, and tell you from what youv said you messed up, and waited kinda long, but you know that.- so from there you gotta just tell her how you feel, and like was already stated by atomic punk, do EVEYRHTING YOU CAN to make sure she stays...she wants to stay, dont let her get away, and treat her right, and in the future, if this gets worked out, remember how you feel now, and never treat her bad again.


goodluck man-
 
chesty said:
Okay, so this will sound like a Bmom thing, but I don't have any friends to talk to and my kids are way to young so here it goes.

I haven't talked much about my personal life except for my daughters. I have been with this lady for 17 years, married for a majority of it to her, then we got divorced and after a bit decided to work on it. Problem was I was to busy to work on it.

Now we have hit a crux, she who was not giving up has almost given up. She wants to work it out, but isn't sure she can open up again.

She has agreed to go to the counselor together to work this out. With the ultimate goal of undoing the divorce. Even if we don't undo that, the goal would be to stay together and be happy till we die.

Anyhow, I didn't realize how much I actually loved her till she asked to have her own room and told me that she has pretty much shut me out. Wow, that hurt a lot more than I expected and I realized something as well.

I wouldn't have made it through college, or the last 17 years of my life. I think honestly I would have swallowed a bullet. I was so busy being macho and such that I didn't allow my self to express any feelings to her and routinely told her to leave when we would fight.

Through all that she still stayed. I was just too stupid to know why. And now that I have almost lost her, I wake up. How stupid can a person be? I was so afraid of being hurt that I end up getting hurt and in the process push away the only person that would stay with me even though I have been the biggest dick on the planet.

I haven't eaten but a couple of small meals in the past three weeks, and haven't been able to do my homework, sleep or work in general. She wants to work on it, but she doesn't know if she can open up again to love me. She is scared to death of being hurt by me again. I don't blame her and I most certainly deserve the pain I am feeling now.

I am not a spiritual or religous person, I don't go to church, etc. But I found myself going to her pastor for help.

Ever since I met her, there has always been something bringing us together every time we drifted apart, and after our first date and so on. I can't really explain it other than I have to believe that there is a reason we suffering this much. That reason would be that we are supposed to be together and hopefully through this pain we become stronger and closer.
Click to expand...



I suggest forwarding this message to his wife; her reading the fact that you are opening up and explaining yourself here will be half the battle.

GI JOE!!!!

j/k.
 
I was in the same boat you are in now. Take the advice given here. I didn't and it was too late. You need to express your feelings. Women seem to say this the most about us guys. Try and open up to her and definately stick with some counseling.
 
Thanks everyone for respondig. I have opened up to her. I explained my opening statement to her in person from my heart.

I have to believe that loves me and that is why she has not left yet. I realized how much I hurt her Sunday morning when she told me I made her uncomfortable by trying to get close to her. I cried for the first time in 20 years. I don't know if I will make it.
 
chesty said:
Thanks everyone for respondig. I have opened up to her. I explained my opening statement to her in person from my heart.

I have to believe that loves me and that is why she has not left yet. I realized how much I hurt her Sunday morning when she told me I made her uncomfortable by trying to get close to her. I cried for the first time in 20 years. I don't know if I will make it.
Click to expand...

You will make it.......you just have to stick with it. If you even think about quitting then you are just increasing your chances of failing. You have done the hard part now give her time to take in how much she means to you.
 
chesty said:
Thanks everyone for respondig. I have opened up to her. I explained my opening statement to her in person from my heart.

I have to believe that loves me and that is why she has not left yet. I realized how much I hurt her Sunday morning when she told me I made her uncomfortable by trying to get close to her. I cried for the first time in 20 years. I don't know if I will make it.
Click to expand...
you will and you can
you have taken a huge first step
and it seems she will help you

women are here on earth for several reasons
one main reason is to help men grow (up)

good luck bro
keep us informed
 
I just gave her her moring wake up call. I usually call to make sure she heard the alarm. I aksed her if she ready for tonight (seeing counselor for first time) she said she was. I told her I loved her and there was a long silence and then she just said goodbye.

Can a woman still love a man and not be able to say I love you? I know men do that.

Could she have already made up her mind and is just going through this for my benifit? I don't see it. She tells me how much she hurts cause she knows I am hurting. But she doesn't know what to do. She is afraid to let me in. She doesn't see me as changing and that she keeps having this thought racing around in her mind telling her it will just be the same thing. She tells me we are not the same people any more. I told her that was true. I have started to grow up because I now realize just how wrong I was.

I want so much to have the magic word that will convince her to choose to give this one last chance. I swore to her before God on my knees that I would never go back to how I was before. That things will be better. I told her that all those years she stayed with me wasn't just because of finances and how I wished she would have said these things to me sooner before shut that door on her heart. I asked her before God for just one small side door back in. To let me start building on that foundation.

I explained to her that all those years she stayed, she chipped away at the wall around my heart a little at a time and that she had finally chiseled it away and I was starting to let her into that part of my heart that I didn't know was still there. And at the same time the stone she was chipping away from my heart I was using to build the wall around her heart and soul.

The worst part is being so close to her, and she is still so far away. I never understood alot, especially love, and how I can miss her so much even though she is in my arms.
 
don't ask for too much right away
let her come to you at her own pace
rushing her will not hasten her
and allow yourself the time to grow back to her too
 
From here on out, you are going to do everything better than before. It might scare her if doing this is the complete mirror opposite from how you treated her before, but that will be her problem.

This is exactly what she has said.

How do I show her these emotions, that I truly love her and always have without going overboard and just pissing her off? That is as bad as doing nothing.
 
isn't life fun
it will be alot of trial and error bud
no one answer will solve the problem
and at times she may be more receptive than others
realize she has her own self doubts
you cannot unwind years
go forward
take baby steps if you have to
we all do at some time or another need to go back to square one
 
Little notes, cards and a call here and there that you might not have made due to your schedule. Small stuff makes all the difference my man.
 
I have to admit, that I am scared. Scared of losing her. Scared of life without her. Scared life with her. She has been the rock that has kept me. She gave me the hope and courage to never quit. And now I scard of her. If she is gone I don't know that I can go on. I would sell my soul to have that chance to show her how much I love her and that she will never be for want of love again.
 
Thanks Wodin. This is the same girl I showed you a picture of several years ago. I have sent her flowers and left little notes. Is there a way to tell if you are overdoing that?

You are right obiwan. I want to start over. I left a note for yesterday. All it had was her name and my sig that said Forever, love... It was blank in between. I explained that it was blank because we are starting a new chapter that is fresh and untarnished.
 
good job
now quit beating yourself over then head and shoulders
self flagelation is not pretty
now be yourself
try to remember who you were way back when and try to come back to center
if you beat yourself up too much you may not be worth her having
cheers
i am going to go enjoy the sunshine and if it is sunny there perhaps you should take the time to do so too
people need time for themselves to look within reflect and show the recharge the light that shines from within
 
"Our most tragic decisions are based on fear."

I remember reading that somewhere. Just made a lot of sense to me.
 
Yes,
I agree on that quote. I am going to try to keep the chin up and not beat myself up.

If this does not work out, it will be hard to know that she is in someone elses arms like she used to be in mine. But I will survive. I don't know how, but I will.
 
This is not even close to being a Bmom thread as you have not placed blame
for your situation on everyone else, and none on yourself..

It's obvious that there is something there worth working on...
Going to a man of faith for advice is fine as many have studied relationship counseling
and also she probably trusts this persons Opinions...
 
Romance her the way you originally won her heart...that is the man she is in love with...the man she met, the man she courted, the man she married...
 
think back bro.......think back to the places you used to go when you first met, take her there, think of things you did that made her happy, show her you still remember and care
 
chesty said:
Yes,
I agree on that quote. I am going to try to keep the chin up and not beat myself up.

If this does not work out, it will be hard to know that she is in someone elses arms like she used to be in mine. But I will survive. I don't know how, but I will.
Click to expand...

Chesty the only advice I can give you is "one day at a time". Don't suffocate or flood her with what she might perceive as either false attention or a last ditch attempt at getting her back when she is gone for good.

There is some reason why she remained. Not saying that I know what is in that woman's head or even that those reasons are good...

Just saying that a lot has happened over the course of that time, a lot that can not be undone in a short time...

One day at a time, Chesty. One day at a time.
 
Y_Lifter said:
This is not even close to being a Bmom thread as you have not placed blame
for your situation on everyone else, and none on yourself..

This is Chesty's thread so I pm'd you, but odd that you got that sense. Everything I remember reading authored by her began with how she accepted more than 100% of the blame, as a matter of fact she took all the blame and was too fucked up to see where a lot of the blame should have gone.

You are 100% entitled to your opinion, but you honestly don't know what you are talking about. Remember, this is the internet and many things were printed that were not for your "benefit" or for the benefit of 99% of the people that read those threads. You were only shown what some people wanted one person to see.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
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"Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear, than to obtain what they desire."

Unfortunately, that's true.


I really don't know what advice to give bro, except all else that's been said. Try to stay strong man.
 
Roses & Cheesy greeting cards are overdoing it.

Picking a bunch of wild flowers and a post saying "Enjoy the hay fever." is fun. :)

Then again my wife is as warped as I am.
 
WODIN said:
Roses & Cheesy greeting cards are overdoing it.

Picking a bunch of wild flowers and a post saying "Enjoy the hay fever." is fun. :)

Then again my wife is as warped as I am.
Click to expand...

lmao........
 
Is it possible for a a woman to love someone, but not be able to say it even though they want to?
 
chesty said:
Is it possible for a a woman to love someone, but not be able to say it even though they want to?
Click to expand...

I have always had the opposite problem... saying it even though it should not have been said.

But I am becoming very different. Keeping a lot inside, not exposing much to anyone anymore. Trying really hard to get over that, but I don't know if I ever will be able to.

So, I guess the answer to your question is yes, though that is usally not the case. I can honestly see how this would happen to a woman, especially from what you described.... but that still doesn't mean that this is the case here.

Just being honest, Chesty.
 
I understand. If that is the case, I would not mind. It is the not knowing that is difficult. Being an engineer means being analytical. We try to find clues, reason, etc in actions/lack thereof. We need concrete proof. Faith is not enough for us.

When I woul hold her hand I could tell she didn't want to hold mine. Her fingers were open and relaxed, she did not caress it like she used to. She would tell me that she was just tired when I would ask her why she was like that. She finally told me what I knew.

I know it was my lack of faith that has severly wounded this relationship, and I hope that my new found faith in her will be enough to heal the wounds.
 
chesty said:
I understand. If that is the case, I would not mind. It is the not knowing that is difficult. Being an engineer means being analytical. We try to find clues, reason, etc in actions/lack thereof. We need concrete proof. Faith is not enough for us.

When I woul hold her hand I could tell she didn't want to hold mine. Her fingers were open and relaxed, she did not caress it like she used to. She would tell me that she was just tired when I would ask her why she was like that. She finally told me what I knew.

I know it was my lack of faith that has severly wounded this relationship, and I hope that my new found faith in her will be enough to heal the wounds.
Click to expand...

All I can say is this - things didn't get screwed up over night and they will surely not get fixed that way either.

You are afraid, that's true, but at least you can admit what is going on and at least TRY. I am so paralyzed by fear that I can't even make it to a second date.

You have to just hang in and be a man of your word. If you really and truly want to try, then you must be willing to give it a try with no guarantees whatsoever - that is the true test of faith.

I have risked so much for nothing...

No one has ever risked anything for me. That is a hard pill to swallow. For what it's worth, whether you guys make it or not, I think she is lucky to the extent that at least you woke up and TRIED to fix it. Even though it may be too late, it does count for something.
 
True it does. I just get a sick feeling inside that she is seeing someone else and doesn't know how to tell me. So, she is taking this route in the hopes that it will ease the pain for her and me. And she thought that when she suggested we sleep in separate rooms to see if we would grow together again I flat refused telling her that all that would do is tear us apart more. She said that confused her. She didn't expect me to do that. She fully expected me to agree with her. She asked me the other day whether or not I thought that would make the transition smoother. I was like transition to what? You said you wanted to do that to see if it would bring us together. Little things like that make me think she has made up her mind and is just too afraid to tell me that she is seeing someone else. I asked her and she denies it and I have to believe her. But inside, in my gut, I know different.
 
Listen, Chesty, there is no way for you to know what is in her head... unless she tells you. Truth is she might not even know what is in her head, and from what you have said, can you blame her?

Both of you sound confused. So just take a deep breath and take it slow. Whatever will happen, will happen. You can not force someone to love you... but you can learn to accept love.

These feelings of insecurity (though I can see why you have them) aren't helping matters any. Get the counseling and see where the road leads. Regardless of the destination and whether or not you get their together is hardly important. What is important is for you to figure out YOU and the world around you.

Breathe Chesty.

I know, easier said than done. But honestly, it is the only way.
 
I agree. And at times I feel like I can make it. And then it hits me. I guess I never really knew what love meant till now.

The really bad part is I cannot make it financially without her. I will not be able to finish my masters degree, keep the house and I will have to go back to contracting which will keep me from seeing my kids even more. I won't be able to stay in the military reserves either. (she said she didn't want me to quit the reserves when we talked about it) I don't want to tell her that and have her stay because of that if it is not what she wants. Another stress factor for me to deal with.

Also, your right. She has told me she doesn't know what is in her head or her heart. I promised her we would start from a clearn slate and rebuild I can tell she desparately wants to believe that. She believes that I am telling the truth, but her head is not sure. Her heart is hardened from years of neglect. She wants to say yes, but doesn't know how anymore.

In all though, everything you have said is quite true and makes sense. We see the counselor in 10 hours. This will be the longest 10 hours of my life.

I don't know what to expect from her. Will she be able to tell us we have something left to work on or we she tell us that we are beyond repair? I wish I knew what to expect. I just hope that my lady will go back for a 2nd and 3rd, etc visit. The more we do the betther the chances for full recovery.
 
chesty said:
I agree. And at times I feel like I can make it. And then it hits me. I guess I never really knew what love meant till now.

The really bad part is I cannot make it financially without her. I will not be able to finish my masters degree, keep the house and I will have to go back to contracting which will keep me from seeing my kids even more. I won't be able to stay in the military reserves either. (she said she didn't want me to quit the reserves when we talked about it) I don't want to tell her that and have her stay because of that if it is not what she wants. Another stress factor for me to deal with.

Also, your right. She has told me she doesn't know what is in her head or her heart. I promised her we would start from a clearn slate and rebuild I can tell she desparately wants to believe that. She believes that I am telling the truth, but her head is not sure. Her heart is hardened from years of neglect. She wants to say yes, but doesn't know how anymore.

In all though, everything you have said is quite true and makes sense. We see the counselor in 10 hours. This will be the longest 10 hours of my life.

I don't know what to expect from her. Will she be able to tell us we have something left to work on or we she tell us that we are beyond repair? I wish I knew what to expect. I just hope that my lady will go back for a 2nd and 3rd, etc visit. The more we do the betther the chances for full recovery.
Click to expand...

No easy answers darlin'...

breathe....

No matter where you go, Chesty, there you are. Regardless of what happens between the two of you if you come out of this a better person, then reap that benefit and look ahead.

Something I was told recently by a counselor: regardless of your past mistakes, if you do not learn from them, then "all this" will have been for naught.

BREATHE
 
Right on. I just talked to the counselor on how to handle what I should and shouldn't do. The fact that we keep ending up in the conversation of me wanting a commitment to try and her not sure if she can give it or wants to give it. Doc said flat out to no longer talk about those things. That it is her job now.

I also asked her for a success rate and she told me that even if it is one that seeks out help and the other one is asked to come along if both will make a commitment that it is 100%. If a commitment cannot be given then it is never.

She said that my behavior is a learned behavior that can be changed and that her feelings and responses are very, very, very common for someone in her position.

We will spend about an hour or so tonight with her and go from there.

If anyone has faith in God, say a prayer for us. We will make it, I know we will.
 
chesty said:
From here on out, you are going to do everything better than before. It might scare her if doing this is the complete mirror opposite from how you treated her before, but that will be her problem.

This is exactly what she has said.

How do I show her these emotions, that I truly love her and always have without going overboard and just pissing her off? That is as bad as doing nothing.
Click to expand...

Just be NICE to her bro, without sounding desperate. Act like you love her & are willing to change, BUT IF SHE DOESN'T want to have any further relationship, then that's fine by you too!

Bro, here's what: YOU GOTTA SUCK IT UP & BE TOUGH here! It is VERY possible that she DOES still love you, but is taking SOME pleasure in seeing you feel like shit, being that you in some way made her to feel the same way for awhile now. If you let her see you FEELING like shit, and she is subconciously enjoying it, then your dead already. Women need to feel secure. EVERYONE knows that. By you acting needy & INSECURE, you are doing yourself more harm than good. Again:

1. SUCK IT UP.
2. Change.
3. Treat her well
4. Dont act like her not being sure bothers you.

Tough to do, but that's the key in my opinion. Good luck.
 
Yep, it is hard to do. We guys always like to think we have the answers and that we can talk our way into or out of everyting.

Well, now I have a woman counselor that will be helping us, I have a woman I love that I screwed over from learned behavior and my faith is being slowly restored. HOw ironic for the tough Marine that I am not so tough.
 
The sex is beyond incredible. I have cried during climax before with her!
 
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