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A
Advaik
Guest
Could someone give me some help with a poem for the person I am in a relationship with? Contact me on AIM (TheVaiK) if you can. I really could use some good help.
A
ajtomasi
Guest
perhaps you should look into Shakespearean Sonnets . . . those have a simple formula that you can follow and they usually end up pretty good.
A
Advaik
Guest
I wrote the poem out I just want to get critique on it and a little help on rhyming
The Ranger
New member
Heh heh heh....Something like this.....
Rant
The difference between you and me,
Is plain and vast and clear to see.
You've got surround sound audio,
And dine on wine and escargot.
You reign high in your Mansion on the Hill,
And live for dirty gossip thrills!
...You make me sick and give me chills!
While I -- I drive no German car
But I ponder thoughts and play guitar
And so I need no stereo
Surround sound Dolby audio,
System in an SUV --
Or cell phone always tied to me!
And you may talk behind my back,
A Martha Stewart-esque attack.
"He's a horrid, awful child"
But I can take your empty flak
"Looked at me and never smiled
Like some savage from the wild!"
Yes, go ahead and talk away,
You stupid Bitch -
I'll walk away.
And when you die,
How I will pray.
That you will dwell,
On every day,
Knowing you've thrown your life away.
Traded in your very soul,
For diets, fads and social role!
Yes, keep your Cosmo magazines,
Your fancy cars and sleek machines.
I have no lust for all those things,
Your gem encrusted platinum rings.
They have no bearing on my life,
And if and when I take a wife.
I hope to God it's meant by fate
And not for gold or real estate.
Unlike you, where I reside,
Tis not,
What fills my heart with pride.
I'd rather ponder other thoughts,
like E.A Poe and suicide!
So, keep your stupid, worthless riches,
Gossip whores, and Lexus bitches.
Drive your massive SUVs,
With leather seats, and golden keys.
Know your husband has no enimies,
He's owned by foreign companies.
All you think that you may own,
Your house, your car, your precious phone,
Have turned your heart and soul to stone.
A brittle shell no more alive,
Than the Beamer that you drive!
Ranger
Rant
The difference between you and me,
Is plain and vast and clear to see.
You've got surround sound audio,
And dine on wine and escargot.
You reign high in your Mansion on the Hill,
And live for dirty gossip thrills!
...You make me sick and give me chills!
While I -- I drive no German car
But I ponder thoughts and play guitar
And so I need no stereo
Surround sound Dolby audio,
System in an SUV --
Or cell phone always tied to me!
And you may talk behind my back,
A Martha Stewart-esque attack.
"He's a horrid, awful child"
But I can take your empty flak
"Looked at me and never smiled
Like some savage from the wild!"
Yes, go ahead and talk away,
You stupid Bitch -
I'll walk away.
And when you die,
How I will pray.
That you will dwell,
On every day,
Knowing you've thrown your life away.
Traded in your very soul,
For diets, fads and social role!
Yes, keep your Cosmo magazines,
Your fancy cars and sleek machines.
I have no lust for all those things,
Your gem encrusted platinum rings.
They have no bearing on my life,
And if and when I take a wife.
I hope to God it's meant by fate
And not for gold or real estate.
Unlike you, where I reside,
Tis not,
What fills my heart with pride.
I'd rather ponder other thoughts,
like E.A Poe and suicide!
So, keep your stupid, worthless riches,
Gossip whores, and Lexus bitches.
Drive your massive SUVs,
With leather seats, and golden keys.
Know your husband has no enimies,
He's owned by foreign companies.
All you think that you may own,
Your house, your car, your precious phone,
Have turned your heart and soul to stone.
A brittle shell no more alive,
Than the Beamer that you drive!
Ranger
SofaGeorge
New member
Post it... we'll edit it online.
A
Advaik
Guest
Here it is. The problems I have is between stanza 3 and 4. It seems like something is missing I just jump right to the song. Also 4 and 6 are contradictory to eachother. Any help is appreciative. I want this to sound as good as possible because I really love this girl.
A Song of The Heart
I thought of gift worthy of you
But nothing I do could be that true
I wished for the answer in my deepest prayer
But something like this is only so rare
So instead of a gift I give you my heart
And in this way I hope we never depart
I wrote you a song that can not be heard
Because it's inside and not written word
Man can not see what this song really means
Nor women perceive why it was deemed
Only God above can heed the song from the words
And no one but you can value this song that is heard
For all that will happen but has not yet come
This song means everything that this love will become
And even in troubles this song will live on
For no one knows what tomorrow may dawn
A Song of The Heart
I thought of gift worthy of you
But nothing I do could be that true
I wished for the answer in my deepest prayer
But something like this is only so rare
So instead of a gift I give you my heart
And in this way I hope we never depart
I wrote you a song that can not be heard
Because it's inside and not written word
Man can not see what this song really means
Nor women perceive why it was deemed
Only God above can heed the song from the words
And no one but you can value this song that is heard
For all that will happen but has not yet come
This song means everything that this love will become
And even in troubles this song will live on
For no one knows what tomorrow may dawn
SofaGeorge
New member
This is one version of a rewrite:
My Song of Songs
Would this be a gift worthy of you?
If I could find words for something true?
I wished for this in my deepest prayer,
But truth is something hidden and rare.
So instead of gifts I give my heart,
And the hope that we will never part.
I write you a song that can't be heard
Because it's inside - not written word.
Some can't see what this song really means,
And fewer men know how it was deemed.
Only God hears the song from the words,
And only you can feel what is heard.
For all our life that hasn't yet come -
This song is the song we will become.
Even in troubles our song lives on.
No one knows what tomorrow may dawn.
What you've written is a "verse" not a poem. (There is a lack of concrete imagery.) In shaping it as a verse I fixed some of the tempo problems. The lines are all nine syllables now, written in matching trochaic tempo. (You had written in iambic.)
I tried to keep your words and language as much as possible, only focusing on rewriting the tempo of the piece.
If you keep this as a new starting point it might help you in your rewrite.
My Song of Songs
Would this be a gift worthy of you?
If I could find words for something true?
I wished for this in my deepest prayer,
But truth is something hidden and rare.
So instead of gifts I give my heart,
And the hope that we will never part.
I write you a song that can't be heard
Because it's inside - not written word.
Some can't see what this song really means,
And fewer men know how it was deemed.
Only God hears the song from the words,
And only you can feel what is heard.
For all our life that hasn't yet come -
This song is the song we will become.
Even in troubles our song lives on.
No one knows what tomorrow may dawn.
What you've written is a "verse" not a poem. (There is a lack of concrete imagery.) In shaping it as a verse I fixed some of the tempo problems. The lines are all nine syllables now, written in matching trochaic tempo. (You had written in iambic.)
I tried to keep your words and language as much as possible, only focusing on rewriting the tempo of the piece.
If you keep this as a new starting point it might help you in your rewrite.
roses are red
violets are blue
i like to smack your ass
when i fuck you
your ass is good
so pass it around
share it with every borly
in every town
swami would catch a charge
by beating that ass up
the more you scream in pain
the less swami gives a fuck
after the fact
you would walk real funny
like you didnt drink your v8
but you'd still call him honey
she'll love you long time with this one. trust me.
violets are blue
i like to smack your ass
when i fuck you
your ass is good
so pass it around
share it with every borly
in every town
swami would catch a charge
by beating that ass up
the more you scream in pain
the less swami gives a fuck
after the fact
you would walk real funny
like you didnt drink your v8
but you'd still call him honey
she'll love you long time with this one. trust me.
argent
New member
My edit V.2.0
A Song of The Heart
I thought of gift worthy of you
But nothing I do could be that true
I wished for the answer in my deepest prayer
But something like this is only so rare
So instead of a gift I give you my heart
And in this way I hope we never depart
I wrote you a song that can not be heard
Because it's inside and not written word
Man can not see what this song really means
Nor women perceive why it was deemed
Only God above can heed the song from the words
And no one but you can value this song that is heard
For all that will happen but has not yet come
This song means everything that this love will become
And even in troubles this song will live on
For no one knows what tomorrow may dawn
So lets get drunk and do it in the butt
J/k It looks fine bro. Thats the way it came out on the paper. Don't try to overthink it to much.
A Song of The Heart
I thought of gift worthy of you
But nothing I do could be that true
I wished for the answer in my deepest prayer
But something like this is only so rare
So instead of a gift I give you my heart
And in this way I hope we never depart
I wrote you a song that can not be heard
Because it's inside and not written word
Man can not see what this song really means
Nor women perceive why it was deemed
Only God above can heed the song from the words
And no one but you can value this song that is heard
For all that will happen but has not yet come
This song means everything that this love will become
And even in troubles this song will live on
For no one knows what tomorrow may dawn
So lets get drunk and do it in the butt
J/k It looks fine bro. Thats the way it came out on the paper. Don't try to overthink it to much.
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