My life.......

[Julez]

I was sitting here wondering, what am I doing here? I look back on my life. I have very few nice memories. I have memories of being hurt, alone, sad, helpless. Now, yea now I'm a succesfull RN and part own a gym. I guess that is a good thing.

But I look back on my life. I have never done anything great. Or good for that manner. I have never been normal. I have always been labled as "crazy" or "Disturbed" or "Weird". Oh and my favorite growing up "The problem Child" "The looser" and the all time thing I heard the most "You will never amount to anything".

I think alot about my past. With all the stuff that has happened so far I wonder what I am doing here. Here in life. I wonder why I was born. Why me? I wonder what I have to offer people. What does a person like me have to offer.

What does the past mean? Does it say who you are? Who you will be? I remember why my parents tryed to give me away to the state. And I think back to all the "Your Nothing but trouble" comments made to me. I think about all the "Your just crazy" comments that were said to me.

I often think about stuff in my life. Why I am here. Why my sister died and not me. What do I have to offer that she does not? She could have been great. But instead she died and I lived. Mabye that was me that was supposed to die that day and there was a mixup. Who knows. But I wonder what things would have been like if I was not around. Would my parents had stayed togather? Whould my brother had been better off? Was it my fault they divorced? Alot of different ways the dominos could have fallen if I was not born. I wonder about if I were to drop off the face of the earth today if things would be better. Not for everyone in the world but for some. I mean it would be one less person causing problems.

Then I think about what is keeping me here. Why do I choose to go on. Or when I try to end it I somehow survive. I mean what's the dealI do alot of thinking at night about my life. And what I have to offer people. Or myself. Then I realise, I am no one special. Just another nobody waiting for his time. So I work my butt off as time runs out. Thinking about my life and where it has gone. With all the things wrong with me, It probably won't be long before my sand runs out and I am no more than a tomb stone in some grassy field. Forgotten, and alone as always. Well I am gonna go. I just needed to get these feelings out. Thank you.

 

[bunnymt]

I have often wondered many of the same things. Questioning life is a part of life. It will only help in your progression of self- introspection and knowledge. I have learned that over the years.

sincerely,

bunny

 

[Julez]

Hmmm I'm not normally so morbid.......

Last night, I was filling in for a friend in A+E(ER to you US peeps). One of my colleagues was having problems with a patient, he was punching the hell out off her. So anyway, I run over to help and he pulls out this syringe and stabs me with it(in my leg).

Immiadetly, I am punching this guy out..... now some of the uk guys here will vouch that I'm not exactly your regular male nurse type physique..... (320lbs)...... anyway I literally put this guy in a unconcious state.

So, the police come to question me, I find out he is HIV+

The guy has just unloaded about 4ml's of his own blood in me(
allegdly).

So, my manager has nowsuspended me for hitting a pt.

The police are talking about possible assault charges.

The nuring executive has advised me that I cannot woRk in ITU until my HIV status is confirmed.

I have to take these anti-HIV drugs, I know that they are not nice.

I am really thinking about life.....

 

[Kryp2o]

bunnymt . . . well said.

Julez, when someone tells you that you will never amount to anything (usualy a parent) you have to consider the source and say to yourself "wait a minute, has this person been so sucessful to the point were they can warent what they are telling me." Chances are the answer is no . . . always consider the source. That's what keeps me going, the fact that I was told that most of my life as well and I enjoy proving people wrong.

And don't ever think that things would be better if it was you in your sisters place, or that things might be better for others if you were not there. It could very well have been much worse. It was just simply your sisters time and there was nothing you could do or anyone else by that matter.

 

[Kryp2o]

Hmmm I'm not normally so morbid.......

Last night, I was filling in for a friend in A+E(ER to you US peeps). One of my colleagues was having problems with a patient, he was punching the hell out off her. So anyway, I run over to help and he pulls out this syringe and stabs me with it(in my leg).

Immiadetly, I am punching this guy out..... now some of the uk guys here will vouch that I'm not exactly your regular male nurse type physique..... (320lbs)...... anyway I literally put this guy in a unconcious state.

So, the police come to question me, I find out he is HIV+

The guy has just unloaded about 4ml's of his own blood in me(
allegdly).

So, my manager has nowsuspended me for hitting a pt.

The police are talking about possible assault charges.

The nuring executive has advised me that I cannot woRk in ITU until my HIV status is confirmed.

I have to take these anti-HIV drugs, I know that they are not nice.

I am really thinking about life.....

Wow! One hell of a night I would say. I assume they tested you for it have they?

 

[Julez]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

 

[bunnymt]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

Listen, I am sincerely sorry. It is oftentimes crises like these that make you question everything. I am really at a loss of words. Just try to stay positive. Perhaps this situation will help you to become a better person, you understand, a more complete person. Get a test done in 3 months and then another one 3 months from then and another 3 months after that....up to 2 years or longer just to be sure.

wishing you the best.

bunny

 

[Kryp2o]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

Well I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds like you have a case against them anyway for the way they made you out to the bad guy. That's just total bullshit in my opinion.

 

[Julez]

Thanks......

In life I guess that I have one thing..... my job..... I have always wanted to be a nurse and I LOVE my job.

Maybe I could have been have probably done a lot better(financially) but I have allways loved nursing.... I woul do it for free!

I could probably have been a pro bodybuilder but my job came first.......

Now everything has changed, I really cannot handle this.

 

[bunnymt]

I could probably have been a pro bodybuilder but my job came first.......

Now everything has changed, I really cannot handle this.

You can still become a pro bodybuilder...there is nothing stopping you. Furthermore, if you concentrate on bodybuilding, it may take your mind off of the uncontrollable circumstances around you and the 3 month intervals between testings.
Everything has changed. There have been times in my life when everything changed. It is overwhelming but you have to take things day by day and remember what is most important to you. Live life to the fullest.

bunny