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Looks like I am getting divorced...

Forge

Forge

New member
First off, I would like to apologize to the EF members. I've made a few threads recently that were little truths about my life shrouded in lies and hypothetical situations. I have friends who read this board, and I didn't want them to know we were having problems, I guess I felt a little embarrassed (they are going to be shocked, sorry guys).

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?t=331842

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?t=333330

The truths of my marriage are:

- we both love each other very much
- we have been married for 5 years this September (together 7)
- there was never any cheating involved or even considered
- my wife works 80-90 hours a week on a farm, she's worked there most of her 41 year life
- we have not had sex in almost a month, previous to that we had a fantastic sex life
- no kids

When I met her 7 years ago, she only worked 70 hours a week. Over the years that has slowly been creeping up to the level it is at now (80-90). We fight very rarely, and when we do it is always about her hours. I just wanted to spend more time with her, do things together and such, but the farm always "needed" her. About two months ago we had a huge fight about her hours and priorities in life and the marriage, then a month later she changed overnight to become distant and slightly depressed. I assumed that she was just stressed from working so much, but I knew something was on her mind so I prodded now and then. Last night I got her to really talk. I told her that maybe she was just entering menopause, and she started laughing. Then she decided to tell me the truth.

Short version is that the farm and her job are more important to her than me and the marriage. She loves me with all her heart, but she doesn't want to work less to spend more time with me, or anyone for that matter, her work just means that much to her. She is the most important thing in my world, the farm is her world. She realized this during the large fight two months ago, but she had a hard time dealing with it, and she didn't know how to tell me without crushing me. She thinks I deserve better than that and better than her, she knows I won't be happy only seeing my wife for supper and bedtime for the rest of my life. She's right, if I can't live life with my wife than I'd rather be single.

At least that's what I thought, now that the reality is here I can't imagine living without her. She's become my world, and now that she is actually leaving I feel like I'm lost. I keep telling myself that maybe I could live with only seeing her for a few hours a week. But I know that it isn't what I want, it's not the kind of marriage I want. It just seems like such a waste to throw something like this away for a stupid job, I can't understand that but I know it's how she feels.

I've never been so in love as I am with her, she is my soulmate and I am hers. Unfortunately for her that just isn't enough to give up the farm. Five years ago she thought it was, but the more she pulled away from the farm the more she wanted to go back and pull away from me. She realizes it sounds ridiculous but it's what she wants, and it's been eating at her for a long time now, she just didn't know what to do about it.

I'm 32, the thought of being single again scares the hell out of me. I've become so comfortable with my wife that I don't even know if I can be with another woman. I skipped work today, just didn't feel like going anywhere. We are going to talk more tonight, for now she will live here with me in the house. Most likely she will start looking for an apartment. The thought of being in this house alone just makes me want to cry, I'm not sure I can live here without her.

God Damn this sucks, I feel like I've been sucker punched and kicked while I'm down. My life just fell completely apart in one night.
 
Glad to hear you talked
Glad to hear you both still love each other

If you love her that much have you considered working on this farm all
day WITH her ?

I would
 
Im sorry Forge, breakup is always rough, but that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger

and believe it or not, its the truth! But im truly sorry tho
 
So very sorry to hear Forge. I know that Ylifter's suggestion might seem a little "out there" but then again, I have always gravitated towards "out there". What do you think?

I echo Ylifter's sentiments.
 
Werd said:
So very sorry to hear Forge. I know that Ylifter's suggestion might seem a little "out there" but then again, I have always gravitated towards "out there". What do you think?

I echo Ylifter's sentiments.
Click to expand...

I get that a lot..
.
.
 
Farms fail every year at a pretty signigicant rate. Ask her what she plans to do if her farm goes under 5 or 10 years from now?

Also what if she becomes physically unable to tend the farm?

Did she indicate before you married that it would be like this?
 
Longhorn85 said:
Farms fail every year at a pretty signigicant rate. Ask her what she plans to do if her farm goes under 5 or 10 years from now?

Also what if she becomes physically unable to tend the farm?

Did she indicate before you married that it would be like this?
Click to expand...

I like Y_Lifter's suggestion.

Longhorn, this comes across almost like you're suggesting she stay married to him out of fear.
 
Wow. Orb, I really do not know what to say, other than I'll pray for you. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but I'll pray for you anyways.
 
I'm now trying to figure out a few things.
1) So is this her family's farm?
2) Why does she have to work so many hours? Couldn't she just cut back to 40 or 50?
3) If they HAVE to have her for that many hours, how will is this farm actually doing? Are they in trouble?
 
Forge bro, I feel awful for you.

Dude, try to get her to go with you to someone to talk about the issues. I can't help but think she isnt being totally upfront with you about the situation. When I was having problems with my ex I had a tendency to bury myself in work at times. She took it for the jhob being more important, and I don't doubt I encouraged that to some extent. But it might just be the symptom for other issues.

If it really is the farm, then if at all possible maybe Ylifters suggestion has some merit

All the best man. I hope you can save your marriage
 
JerseyArt said:
Forge bro, I feel awful for you.

Dude, try to get her to go with you to someone to talk about the issues. I can't help but think she isnt being totally upfront with you about the situation. When I was having problems with my ex I had a tendency to bury myself in work at times. She took it for the jhob being more important, and I don't doubt I encouraged that to some extent. But it might just be the symptom for other issues.

If it really is the farm, then if at all possible maybe Ylifters suggestion has some merit

All the best man. I hope you can save your marriage
Click to expand...
that was the sweetest reply i have ever saw u make:)
 
Dam Forge very sorry to hear this. I kind of like Y's suggestion as well at least it is something to consider.
 
All things in life are transient. Ask a cancer survivor.

Have you ever talked to her about what she would do if the farm suddenly disapeared? or if she suffered a life altering accident? What things in life would be important to her then? If you still dont enter into her answer, then move on.

Good luck.
 
Thanks all, I'll try to clear some things up:

Y_Lifter, my view on life is that you should work to live, not live to work. Hers is the opposite, I just never realized how extremely she felt that. I am not a farmer, nor do I want to be one.

Longhorn, the farm is a combination of a farm / trucking company, both owned by the same family (not hers, although her mother and sister both work there). She works both places. They are talking about selling the dairy cows in a few years, but they will raise beef cattle then. It will be less work, but she wants to make that up by working more at the truck office. And no, when I married her she led me to beleive that she wanted to cut back on her hours to spend more time with me. I believe she really wanted to and she did for a short time, but the hours went back up eventually.

Bran987, yes I believe her. She has never lied to me, she is just a severe workaholic, even to the point of sacrificing a good marriage.

BBF:
1) no, but her family works there
2) it started when a few people left and she had to make up the work. I always thought the farm made her do it, turns out that she volunteered. Her extreme hours is what she wants.
3) the farm makes very little money, and she gets paid crap. The trucking company is what makes the money for the owner. The owner is old, when he dies I'm sure that the family will sell the farm as they want nothing to do with it. Who knows where she will end up then. :(
 
What If's and Untimatums never work in a relationship..
Keep those things Personal to your own life.

Forge, I have a similar life experience that colors my opinion of going
way outside of your comfort zone to be with the love of your life
if you wanna hear about it..

All worked out fantastic for me and that Non comfort zone place became one
of the most important memories and years of our marriage..

It brought us together even more as I learned and she shared this place with me..
 
Bro

She isn't even working her own farm? And they don't even pay her well?

What is the motivation? Where is the upside to this scenario for her?

I don't know that you are gettiung as much info as you think. Not trying to be a prick man, but her story has holes.

I do know that an aggressive person has a difficult time being with a more laid back individual. If the guy is the aggressive one, the problems are generally less. But if she wants to work her butt off to get ahead, and she feels you aren't so willing, that is a major problem that needs to be resolved. She may want to do more than just get by bro, and that might be where your difficulties stem from. I have a lot of friends who have had their marriages break up for similar reasons
 
ChefWide said:
All things in life are transient. Ask a cancer survivor.

Have you ever talked to her about what she would do if the farm suddenly disapeared? or if she suffered a life altering accident? What things in life would be important to her then? If you still dont enter into her answer, then move on.

Good luck.
Click to expand...
I'm with Chefy on this one...

Perhaps w/ all the hours she works she is stressed out & therefore isn't making a wise decision. I think what you should do is for the both of you to get some help...in the meantime I think it'd be wise to seperate for a month or two. I think that in time, she will see how foolish she is & realize how important you are in her life. I'm w/ everyone on this, I'll definitely keep you both in my prayers. Good luck!!
 
I agree with Y_lifter`s response only if that were really the problem. You would hate to chase something that`s not really there. You need to find the real problem first.

It`s not over bro. You`re going through a very bad time in your life. If you can fix things, then you can grow from it as a person and in your relationship to love each other on another level. Good luck
 
Janet,

I don't know about the seperation, unless she isnt amenable to anything else, then he has no choice. It may do what you claim, or it may introduce other problems into the relationship
 
Y_Lifter said:
Forge, I have a similar life experience that colors my opinion of going
way outside of your comfort zone to be with the love of your life
if you wanna hear about it..
Click to expand...


Definately I'd like to hear about it, I could use a feel-good story right now.

I honestly can't beleive I'd be happy working on the farm though, and it still wouldn't solve our problem of her wanting to work instead of being with me. She would still have no free time for us, and that is what I really want.

Part of me hopes that when she moves out and lives alone again she may realize just how much she misses me, and may just rethink her priorities in life. That's probably just wishful thinking and denial though.



J-art, her work motive isn't about getting ahead, or even making a good living, the farm is just who she is and loves. I've supported us for the past five years pretty much on my own.
 
Forge said:
Part of me hopes that when she moves out and lives alone again she may realize just how much she misses me, and may just rethink her priorities in life. That's probably just wishful thinking and denial though.
Click to expand...

JArt/Forge: I say you won't know if you don't try. I mean right now it's inevitable, the two of you might get divorced. So what's the harm in trying to see what happens if she moves out? Maybe she'll realize how wrong she was & then again, maybe she won't. But you won't know if you don't try...
 
Forge -

Sorry to hear this... love can be a real bitch sometimes... but it feels so good.

Sounds like a classic... it is not you, it is me scenario... I don't want to be a pesimist here... but based on what I have read, there has to be more to the story.

Best Wishes... you will pull through...
 
If it`s a hormonal problem (I think a lot of these things are...) then it won`t change because you get sperated. The body changes the way it/you feels when your hormones change. It happened to me about 6 months ago. Iwas very down on everything. NOTHING was wrong in my life, it was just my body reacting. I`m sure wherever I may have lived, with or without my wife, it would have been the same. I just did`nt care about anything at the time.

hormones.
 
Forge said:
Definately I'd like to hear about it, I could use a feel-good story right now.
Click to expand...


Story goes like this... Sota long but oh well


My Wife was raised on a small family Ranch with Horses, chickens, cows, tractors etc...
When we met 17 yrs ago I was a suburb boy and had never even been in the woods much.

We started dating and I remember driving out to pick her up on our 2nd date going down a dirt road
in my Sports car to this beautiful ranch. I was thinking the place was beautiful, but outside of my element.
Huge house on a great piece of land with a creek and postures and tons of wildlife.

We got married, built a house in a subdivision and after 3 years had a baby. She was frequently going
to the ranch to work with her Mom and Dad on things of a horse ranch nature. I was a bit nervous around
horses each time we would go together to visit for dinner. I could tell she hated to leave this beautiful place each time.

At about year 4 of our marriage her Dad died and by this time her Brothers and Sisters has all moved out off of the
ranch, so her Mom was basically left there alone. We made efforts to help out with the chores etc long distance but it
was straining our life living 2 lives. Somehow the idea came up that we sell our house and move into the Ranch saving on mortgage payments and also have a live in Granny Sitter. Mom in Law is a great lady and I get along great with her.
She gave us the master BR and we had tons of rooms and the house was real nice..

I learned with my wife and her brothers help how to string barbed wire fencing, run water lines, cut down trees,
build upgrades to the barn and to repair all sorts of things. I learned how to manage livestock and together we
dealt with storms and barn repairs and sick animals at 2 am.

Our Daughter had all sorts of experiences with animals and nature that she still today cherishes.
I grew to love the challenge of doing this work on top of my full time M-F job. Coming home and changing out of
my work clothes and into Jeans to head out to work again a few hours was challenging but I'd do it again If I could..

We sold the property a year ago due to being surrounded by growth and the land becoming too valuable to not sell..

We still think and talk about how togethter we did this and how I didn't know squat about being a country boy and I surprised her at how well I did..
 
I hate to be the one pointing out the elephant standing in the middle of the living room... but if she loves you that much.. she wouldnt prefer working all those hours to spending time with you..

sounds like your afraid of change more than anything... the kind of marriage you have isnt much of a marriage and never will be if she doesnt start taking part in your life..
 
Forge, I hate it that you are going through some stuff right now. My thoughts are this.

It appears that you love her very much. If you really love her then you will do what you need to do to be with her. If you don't you will regret it and you will feel a sense of loss for a long time, if not forever.

I'm not saying let her treat you like a punk. You can't love her enough for the both of you. She has to be willing to fix things too. If she's not, then there's not much you can do.

I just think that you need to exhaust all of your options before you accept that this is the end. You will be more at peace with it, if it goes down.
 
Well said Onerep

Great post and sentiment bro.
 
Milo Hobgoblin said:
sounds like your afraid of change more than anything... the kind of marriage you have isnt much of a marriage and never will be if she doesnt start taking part in your life..
Click to expand...


I admit, the change horrifies me. Starting over at age 32, I don't even remember how to date.

Y_lifter, great story, I can only hope mine turns out as nicely.

Onerep, that's the whole problem, she isn't willing to sacrifice her hours to make this work. Even if I worked part time on the farm with her, I still wouldn't get to have time for hiking with her, kayaking, rock climbing, taking trips, seeing movies.

I guess the question is do I want to give up the life I want to live in the life she wants? Or could I be happy being married to a woman I barely see, someone I never get to spend quality time with?
 
Forge said:
I admit, the change horrifies me. Starting over at age 32, I don't even remember how to date.

Y_lifter, great story, I can only hope mine turns out as nicely.

Onerep, that's the whole problem, she isn't willing to sacrifice her hours to make this work. Even if I worked part time on the farm with her, I still wouldn't get to have time for hiking with her, kayaking, rock climbing, taking trips, seeing movies.

I guess the question is do I want to give up the life I want to live in the life she wants? Or could I be happy being married to a woman I barely see, someone I never get to spend quality time with?
Click to expand...


These are the issues you need to talk about tonight and other nights, as I`m sure you know. Sometimes you gotta hit a low for change to happen.
 
Forge I went thorugh my second divorce at 32 and shortly after met my first true love.. really made me realize how fucked up my marriage was...

You need to embrace change.. "if" your wife really loves you and you really love her.. you will end up together... tellhe you want a separation and see how it goes.. she may realize what she has lost.
 
Milo Hobgoblin said:
Forge I went thorugh my second divorce at 32 and shortly after met my first true love.. really made me realize how fucked up my marriage was...

You need to embrace change.. "if" your wife really loves you and you really love her.. you will end up together... tellhe you want a separation and see how it goes.. she may realize what she has lost.
Click to expand...
Couldn't agree more w/ Onerep & Milo...

You can only do so much... but at least you can try!! If it fails, then dust yourself off & try again... never settle for less! Don't do whatever she wants just because you're comfortable. You deserve so much more than that. It takes TWO people to make it work.
 
Hey I may write some crazy shit sometimes.. but I do believe in fate.. if its meant to happen it will.. sometimes whether you try or not.

Forge has figured it out.. I dont think his wife has.. its sad that she mauy realize too late that she has lost someone who truly loves her because of something as meaningless as a job..


There is one rule I live by above ALL else.


You can ALWAYS make more money. You can NEVER make more time. Dont waste what you have.
 
Milo Hobgoblin said:
You can ALWAYS make more money. You can NEVER make more time. Dont waste what you have.
Click to expand...


That's pretty much my outlook on life as well. Sadly this isn't even about making money, she willingly works 80+ hours per week for less than what you get part time at Home Depot, farming is just so much a part of her that she is willing to give up everything else for it. I feel sad for her future, especially since I think the world of her. What a waste of an extraordinary woman, I was so sure we would grow old together.

Really makes me realize that no matter how happy you think you are, your world can turn on an instant for rock bottom. I only hope I can find another love someday, I'm somewhat picky and she was a perfect fit, except for the job.
 
Forge, I am sorry to hear that you are going through these tough times with your marriage. I am recently going through a divorce myself and I can attest that Its not easy.

I initiated the seperation and the divorce in my instance and even though my x-husband tried to mend things our relationship as husband and wife were doomed.

Sit her down and talk to her, find out exactly where she stands. If she has her mind made up nothing you can do or say will change it but If all she needs is some time to prioritize then give it to her.

Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve, neither of you will ever be happy that way. If she loves you she will be willing to make sacrifices for you and you for her.

I wish you the best of luck and you are in my Prayers
 
Well said frisky

Must spread before giving to FG again
 
SSS

It took me much longer than that to get the picture of it out of my head. Still working on it,scuse me....bathroom break
 
I'm sorry to hear this man.

I know it must feel good for her to say she still loves you, however if she REALLY loved you how hard would it be to spend a bit more time with you? It doesn't make sense to me. Those are incredible hours for someone who isn't in business for themselves.

Are you sure this is a permanent thing on her end, I wouldn't be so quick to dissolve the entire thing, but instead see if there was any way to work things out. Try a counselor too first, this is important enough to warrant that.
 
Forge, no disrespect at all. But could you please tell me what it is that you love so much about your wife if she is never present for you? I would ask the same of a woman who would describe a similar circumstance about her husband.
 
Y_Lifter said:
Story goes like this... Sota long but oh well


My Wife was raised on a small family Ranch with Horses, chickens, cows, tractors etc...
When we met 17 yrs ago I was a suburb boy and had never even been in the woods much.

We started dating and I remember driving out to pick her up on our 2nd date going down a dirt road
in my Sports car to this beautiful ranch. I was thinking the place was beautiful, but outside of my element.
Huge house on a great piece of land with a creek and postures and tons of wildlife.

We got married, built a house in a subdivision and after 3 years had a baby. She was frequently going
to the ranch to work with her Mom and Dad on things of a horse ranch nature. I was a bit nervous around
horses each time we would go together to visit for dinner. I could tell she hated to leave this beautiful place each time.

At about year 4 of our marriage her Dad died and by this time her Brothers and Sisters has all moved out off of the
ranch, so her Mom was basically left there alone. We made efforts to help out with the chores etc long distance but it
was straining our life living 2 lives. Somehow the idea came up that we sell our house and move into the Ranch saving on mortgage payments and also have a live in Granny Sitter. Mom in Law is a great lady and I get along great with her.
She gave us the master BR and we had tons of rooms and the house was real nice..

I learned with my wife and her brothers help how to string barbed wire fencing, run water lines, cut down trees,
build upgrades to the barn and to repair all sorts of things. I learned how to manage livestock and together we
dealt with storms and barn repairs and sick animals at 2 am.

Our Daughter had all sorts of experiences with animals and nature that she still today cherishes.
I grew to love the challenge of doing this work on top of my full time M-F job. Coming home and changing out of
my work clothes and into Jeans to head out to work again a few hours was challenging but I'd do it again If I could..

We sold the property a year ago due to being surrounded by growth and the land becoming too valuable to not sell..

We still think and talk about how togethter we did this and how I didn't know squat about being a country boy and I surprised her at how well I did..
Click to expand...


This could be a movie (love, perservence, drama genre) with Billy Crystal as Y-lifter and Renee Z as Y's wife...
 
see a cousellor.

im tempted to be my usual self and say "she loves you...but not enough" but if you both really care give it a shot. those counsellors see the same thing voer and over again, maybe they will get through

good luck (what a shitty sentiment, but still, wtf else are you supposed to say? )
 
Anything can be worked through if you BOTH want the marriage....like BBF said saying a prayer for your marriage!
 
Werd said:
Forge, no disrespect at all. But could you please tell me what it is that you love so much about your wife if she is never present for you? I would ask the same of a woman who would describe a similar circumstance about her husband.
Click to expand...


She's beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Strong both physically and mentally, attractive, awesome sense of humor, she loves the same things I do. She has the biggest heart I've ever known. She finishes sentences for me, she knows what I am thinking. Her laugh is so contagious and mischevious. Her mind is as dirty as mine is, she loves sex as much as I do. I can't sleep anymore without feeling her next to me, her legs and arms entwined with mine. I've always been fussy when it comes to women, but she is perfect in my eyes. She is my soulmate.

Unfortunately, that may not be enough for her. Maybe it's best we do seperate if something this special isn't good enough for her, maybe she will never find true happiness anywhere other than working on that farm. Maybe I'm better off starting over with someone who will recognize how rare something like this is, and will appreciate it.
 
Forge said:
She's beautiful, the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Strong both physically and mentally, attractive, awesome sense of humor, she loves the same things I do. She has the biggest heart I've ever known. She finishes sentences for me, she knows what I am thinking. Her laugh is so contagious and mischevious. Her mind is as dirty as mine is, she loves sex as much as I do. I can't sleep anymore without feeling her next to me, her legs and arms entwined with mine. I've always been fussy when it comes to women, but she is perfect in my eyes. She is my soulmate.
Click to expand...

Mostly external qualities and sexual attraction

Forge said:
Unfortunately, that may not be enough for her. Maybe it's best we do seperate if something this special isn't good enough for her, maybe she will never find true happiness anywhere other than working on that farm. Maybe I'm better off starting over with someone who will recognize how rare something like this is, and will appreciate it.
Click to expand...

I think perhaps you may be right.


I am very very deeply sorry. :(
 
Wow, I want to cry after reading this thread...

I have spent a long time trying to find someone special, and am let down over and over again, and have never even been close to being engaged, let alone married. It saddens me to see two people who are in love and have found somethat that has never been within my reach, just let it go so easily.
 
Gymgurl said:
Anything can be worked through if you BOTH want the marriage....like BBF said saying a prayer for your marriage!
Click to expand...

Long time no see... you never talk to me anymore. How are you doing these days GG?
 
I dont know which is worse, the fact that you are getting a divorce, or the fact that you lost her to a damn farm. Bottom line is you married the wring girl if she is picking a farm over her husband.
 
JerseyArt said:
I don't know that you are getting as much info as you think. Not trying to be a prick man, but her story has holes.
Click to expand...
The_Ejaculator said:
I don't want to be a pesimist here... but based on what I have read, there has to be more to the story.
Click to expand...
I know little of people (nothing about women), but this story doesn't jive.
 
look at the bright side your free! now go buy a nice 2door m3 a 1995-1997 should suffice and make up for lost time, its for the best! its all about dependancy! your lows will pass.....
 
Y_Lifter said:
Story goes like this... Sota long but oh well


My Wife was raised on a small family Ranch with Horses, chickens, cows, tractors etc...
When we met 17 yrs ago I was a suburb boy and had never even been in the woods much.

We started dating and I remember driving out to pick her up on our 2nd date going down a dirt road
in my Sports car to this beautiful ranch. I was thinking the place was beautiful, but outside of my element.
Huge house on a great piece of land with a creek and postures and tons of wildlife.

We got married, built a house in a subdivision and after 3 years had a baby. She was frequently going
to the ranch to work with her Mom and Dad on things of a horse ranch nature. I was a bit nervous around
horses each time we would go together to visit for dinner. I could tell she hated to leave this beautiful place each time.

At about year 4 of our marriage her Dad died and by this time her Brothers and Sisters has all moved out off of the
ranch, so her Mom was basically left there alone. We made efforts to help out with the chores etc long distance but it
was straining our life living 2 lives. Somehow the idea came up that we sell our house and move into the Ranch saving on mortgage payments and also have a live in Granny Sitter. Mom in Law is a great lady and I get along great with her.
She gave us the master BR and we had tons of rooms and the house was real nice..

I learned with my wife and her brothers help how to string barbed wire fencing, run water lines, cut down trees,
build upgrades to the barn and to repair all sorts of things. I learned how to manage livestock and together we
dealt with storms and barn repairs and sick animals at 2 am.

Our Daughter had all sorts of experiences with animals and nature that she still today cherishes.
I grew to love the challenge of doing this work on top of my full time M-F job. Coming home and changing out of
my work clothes and into Jeans to head out to work again a few hours was challenging but I'd do it again If I could..

We sold the property a year ago due to being surrounded by growth and the land becoming too valuable to not sell..

We still think and talk about how togethter we did this and how I didn't know squat about being a country boy and I surprised her at how well I did..
Click to expand...

I though all Amish people knew how to work a farm. :)

J/K bro........you're a stand-up guy Mr. Y-Lifter.
 
forge....I'm no relationship councellor, but I know enough to know that a marriage can only work if BOTH participants work at it. Your wife has already shown that she isn't even willing to meet you part of the way (let alone halfway), and has very little regard for your happiness. I hate to sound harsh, but she comes across as being extremely selfish; as long as she's happy, she doesn't care about whether or not you're happy. I'd walk altogether...or separate at the very least. It's going to hurt like hell, but not as much as living the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage will hurt.
 
Forge, I am relly sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through a divorce right now, too. My recommendations are similar to many other posts in this thread. First, if you both love each other, then you need to do everything possible to try to work it out. That is a collective you. Both parties need to sacrifice. True love requires sacrifice. You can not keep your life exactly how you want it and neither can she, if you are going to save your relationship. You just need to try to come to see where the middle ground is for both of you. If that middle ground is not a better life than it would be without each other then I don't know. The best of luck to you and I also will pray for you and your wife. DO ALL YOU POSSIBLY CAN BEFORE YOU END THE MARRIAGE!
 
Well, yesterday was an interesting day. She spent the day at work and I spent the day at home thinking and just doing busy work. Last night when she came home we went and got take out for supper, we hadn’t really eaten much of anything in the past two days and neither of us felt like cooking. We are both going on minimal sleep.

We ended up talking all night again, and we definitely cleared up a lot of things. The biggest thing is that she’s been working more on purpose because she hasn’t wanted to come home, mainly because I have been constantly riding her about her hours and how tired she looks. I hadn’t realized I was doing it, I have a bad habit of speaking my mind out loud and I don’t always realize how bad it sounds from another point of view. Basically a lot of small things adding up to make her dread coming home and hearing about it again. So she worked more hours and drove around before coming home just to avoid me. It was a kind of domino effect: the less she was home the more I complained, and the more miserable we both got. I know she loves the farm, but she’s been there all her life and it’s her safe “go-to” zone. The less she wanted to be home the more she went to the farm.

The problem is she bottled all of this up inside without talking to me about it for years, and I really had no idea just what was going on. She also realized just how much the farm means to her, and she’s not sure she wants to cut back her hours to spend more time with me. That could just be because she is slightly disgusted with me right now, she isn’t sure. We do both agree that we both need to make changes, I need to be more supportive but she needs to make more time for us.

For now we have both agreed to work this out, but we are far from OK and it will take some time. I’m going to keep my tongue and stop complaining about her job and whatnot, and she is going to try to cut back on her hours. My biggest concern is that I don’t want her to hate coming home anymore, and I’m willing to do anything to prevent that again, but she needs to communicate her feelings better. I’m also going to try to do more around the house so she doesn’t have to do chores after a long day at work.

The thing that bothers me though is that I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I’m going to go against my own nature and do even more work around the house while I also support us completely, while she is going to try to work less hours, but to be honest I’m not sure that she can and be happy. I pretty much put my tail between my legs and admitted that this was all my fault, when in reality if she just didn’t work so much it never would have been a problem in the first place. I humbled myself and my ego to give this another chance, but there is a part of me that isn’t too proud of that. What I really wanted to do was tell her to cut back or she is gone, problem is that doing so would have ended this marriage in an instant because she is not the kind of person who can be ordered to do something against her will. She is just too damn stubborn; she has to want to do it. But this marriage means enough to me that I am willing to eat some humble pie to give it another chance.

But this is it, I’ll give it 100% and give her the chance to do the same. If it turns out I ate humble pie for nothing, if I gave up some self respect for her to get her own way, then I’m gone. A part of me feels that may be what I have just done, but she deserves the chance to prove me wrong. The next few months will either see my marriage turn around or kill it forever. Kind of a scary realization.
 
Love is not proud bro. Sometimes you have to take one on the chin for the team even if you don't feel like you totally deserve. At least some progress has been made and I hope that you two build on it.
 
hope everything turns out ok for you forge. i am at the final stages of my divorce, and it was hard at first, but looking back i should have done it much sooner. my best advice is to step back from your relationship and take a good hard look at what goes wrong with your marriage and when. you have already done some of that. when you nag, she gets distant. stop nagging. it's a trigger effect. cut out the primer and eliminate the problems. you can't change her as a person, but you can change her actions to a degree. i believe you both need a good dose of marriage counseling. i would recommend a solutions-based therapist. i strongly believe in and understand their methods, as it is a very logical approach to problem solving. i don't think separating at this point is a logical step. there is a progression of actions to take, and one of you moving out is not one of them at this point. down the road it could come to that, but not yet

i hope everything works out, but sometimes things don't. you always have to remember that. i wish you the best

one last thing, no kids? why not? if it's a personal problem with either of you, never mind i asked. good luck bro
 
Devastation said:
one last thing, no kids? why not? if it's a personal problem with either of you, never mind i asked. good luck bro
Click to expand...


Nope, no kids now or ever, she is fixed. We decided when she was 38 that we really didn't need to have kids to be happy, and lets face it she was getting up there in years. In the end I told her that I could go either way so it was up to her, and she decided to get her tubes tied. Looking back now, she was probably afraid that having children would take away time from the farm...
 
Forge,

All good advice above.

Dude, don't sweat the ego bull. This 50-50 crap is just that. Sometimes one or the other is going to have to pull the load.

Dev's idea is a great one.

There are bitter feelings on both sides that are going to take time to heal. You are going to make efforts, and not see instant results or acceptance on her part. It sounds cliche, but you need to go out and woo and date your wife again, just like you would be doing with all the girls you would be seeing if you were single again. At least now you know the problem somewhat, and it could have been worse. It could have been someone else.

You two aren't clicking, and if she is going so far out of her way to avoid being with you, then its pretty serious. It isn't just a matter of not nagging. That's minimal. It's a matter of wooing back her interest and enjoyment with your company. Because at this rate it is just a matter fo time before she sees no point to the relationship.

Seduce her all over again
 
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she probably has some kind of fixation on this farm, sod knows why but she WILL fall to pieces when it closes down


honeslty.....i would say give time for her to cool off and see how things go.....give it some months and see if she is still doing these huge hours at the farm

if she is, and you feel likeyou have a part time wife and could do better...then maybe you should leave her then, when yoursure this isnt some anger-reaction she is having. she should then realise what she;s lost, and if she hasn't, then screw her as she is being selfish.

men can get women at almost any age dude....im sure you could find someone you could love again, but you should wait and see whether she is even willing to consider your feelings
 
Plan a nice 2 week vacation in a couple of months. The planning alone will get you both to talk and anticipate it.

OK, then one week.

I agree with above... Treat her like you just started going out. You may not be tresating her right without knowing it. Won`t be the first time a man does this.
 
gonelifting said:
\ Treat her like you just started going out. You may not be tresating her right without knowing it. Won`t be the first time a man does this.
Click to expand...


Yeah... I have to catch myself.. you start to take for grant it...

Be carefull with that shit.... constantly recheck yourself to make sure the one you love is being treated the way they deserve to be treated...

Also the better you treat someone, the better they will treat you (generally)
 
The Ejaculator said:
Yeah... I have to catch myself.. you start to take for grant it...

Be carefull with that shit.... constantly recheck yourself to make sure the one you love is being treated the way they deserve to be treated...

Also the better you treat someone, the better they will treat you (generally)
Click to expand...


Yes, and it`s not too late to start. Tell her what you`re planning on doing. It will help IMO. She will notice the changes because she`s aware of the what`s been said.
 
Good advice all around. I've already told her I'm going to try to be more supportive and help with some housework (now I'll be doing most of it on my own). I could never get her away from the farm for two weeks, we've gone on one 1-week vacation in our whole relationship, and that was our honeymoon, and even then she called in every day.

Like I said above, I'm going to give it 100% and see if she does the same. Hopefully I get sex soon, this month long lull is getting hard to take, especially when I sleep next to her every night.
 
sorry...but like some others have said...something just doesn't jive. This commitment to work somebody else's farm 80 hours a week for a pittance at the expense of the marriage(with somebody who she says is the love of her life) makes absolutely no sense. Love is blind so if something is "going on" with her at work your not gonna see it.

If she is seeing somebody at work you just gave her the best of both worlds. You supply her with a home, money, do the housework, and she doesn't have to put out for you while she spends 80 hours a week at the farm doing whatever....

Sorry if I'm being harsh...I just think there's a chance your being played big time. I hope I'm totally wrong.
 
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