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this is kinda dumb and kind of funny...
The Weekly World News claims in a backlash resulting from baseball's steroid scandal, a New York lawmaker is introducing a bill that would ban coffee in the U.S. - because caffeine is a performance-enhancing drug, he says. According to Congressman Lance Aucuncafe, just decaf coffee, tea and sodas should be allowed because only a "no tolerance" stand against all performance-enhancing substances will help this country get over the steroid scandal that has stricken America's pastime. "Just as red-blooded Americans do not want their home run hitters bulked up by foreign substances, they do not want their taxes done by accountants on coffee or their operations conducted by tea-drinking doctors," blasts Aucuncafe. "If a baseball player wants to hit home runs, let him lift weights and take batting practice, and if a trucker is so tired he can't keep driving without a cup of joe - let him take a nap." Next up on Aucuncafe's agenda after he gets coffee banned: anti-performance boosting material laws against aspirin, road signs and instruction manuals.
The Weekly World News claims in a backlash resulting from baseball's steroid scandal, a New York lawmaker is introducing a bill that would ban coffee in the U.S. - because caffeine is a performance-enhancing drug, he says. According to Congressman Lance Aucuncafe, just decaf coffee, tea and sodas should be allowed because only a "no tolerance" stand against all performance-enhancing substances will help this country get over the steroid scandal that has stricken America's pastime. "Just as red-blooded Americans do not want their home run hitters bulked up by foreign substances, they do not want their taxes done by accountants on coffee or their operations conducted by tea-drinking doctors," blasts Aucuncafe. "If a baseball player wants to hit home runs, let him lift weights and take batting practice, and if a trucker is so tired he can't keep driving without a cup of joe - let him take a nap." Next up on Aucuncafe's agenda after he gets coffee banned: anti-performance boosting material laws against aspirin, road signs and instruction manuals.
