Kittens and paper cuts and other fun stuff

Nathan · Sep 23, 2002

So this one time in the middle of summer I'm walking in the park across from my parents' house thinking to myself that racoons should all be forced to wear diapers, if not for sanitary reasons then simply because it'd be awfully cute. Anyways, so I'm minding my own business when a herd of really pissed off squirrels come careening out of the woods right for me. After removing my pants and my favorite pair of wool mittens i never forget to wear I naturally start running as fast as my feet will carry me. Those damn squirrels had no right to be angry at me either. So i ate like 26 baby squirrels, boo fucking hoo, ya know? Either way, I'm trying to run my drunken ass out of harm's way which is hard when your stomach is filled to the brim with baby squirrels. i got about 3 paces when like 12 squirrels caught up with me and all went right for my juggular. I figured I could do without a juggular so I let them play their frustration out. It ends up, that is not how to properly survive a squirrel attack. Fortunately, those little fuckers didn't know that at that time, I had a pretty ferocious case of rabies from a wild encounter the previous weekend. i went right for their genitalia, fighting tooth and nail. The brawl broke up after about 10 minutes and I was left to my own devices yet again. Luckily at that time the payote I had consumed about an hour before the whole incident began was kicking in full force. So, I wasn't so much worried about my wounds but rather all the nifty critters coming out of them. I threw a wonderful tea party for those magnificent critters climbing from my wounds. Spewing from my gashes were unicorns, fairies and goblins, chesterfields and other assorted antique furniture, puppies and kittens and baby frogs, as well as leprechauns and all kinds of people who had a really bad case of 'the clap'. Bottom line, best time I ever had.

i wish my life were like that all the time dammit. i make no sense. i make no sense. i make no sense. i make no sense . im aken osense. i'm faken ostrense. i'm fucking ostriches.