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Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise >>lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them,
Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "YOU SNEAKY BASTARDS I KNEW IT! ... I'M NOT ****ING GOING!"
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One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were to big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.
As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and theirs daughters date said he could get it out for him. The daughters date put his two fingers in her fathers nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut fell out. The daughter and her date went up stairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was in coming up with that idea.
The man's wife asked, "I wonder what he's going to be when he grows up."
The man says, "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law".
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
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Two female suicide bombers are walking through Afghanistan. One turns to the other and says "Does my bomb look big in this?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded. The brunette was saved
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
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A couple were out on their first date,parked up by a river on theoutskirts of town things soon get frisky and the man slips the hand when suddenly the woman stops him.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex,"
The man just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25."
Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise >>lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them,
Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "YOU SNEAKY BASTARDS I KNEW IT! ... I'M NOT ****ING GOING!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were to big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.
As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and theirs daughters date said he could get it out for him. The daughters date put his two fingers in her fathers nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut fell out. The daughter and her date went up stairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was in coming up with that idea.
The man's wife asked, "I wonder what he's going to be when he grows up."
The man says, "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two female suicide bombers are walking through Afghanistan. One turns to the other and says "Does my bomb look big in this?".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded. The brunette was saved
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.
The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were out on their first date,parked up by a river on theoutskirts of town things soon get frisky and the man slips the hand when suddenly the woman stops him.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex,"
The man just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25."
