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satanic goatslayer
New member
As if the 7-11 incident wasn't enough for one day, I had yet another encounter with a rude person as I was driving home from a hard night of cleaning outhouses.
There I am, driving at a considerate 5 mph over the speed limit as I notice a Reliant ahead of me going about 15mph. Had this been a two-lane, I wouldn't have cared, but this is a quiet country road with only one lane.
I spotted a tuft of white above the driver's seat, so I assumed I was dealing with an elderly woman.
I drove up behind her and honked 3 times in a futile attempt to get her to speed up, but to no avail. So I pulled out the megaphone from underneath my seat and asked nicely
"Excuse me oldie, but would you mind either speeding up or pulling over so I can overtake you?"
Then the decrepit old sack of bones slows down even further. My blood starts to boil, the veins in my face pop out, and I know that there is going to be a conflict. I try again
"Listen you withering cancerous lesion, I will ask you once more. Move over or I will break your hip"
So she slows down again.
I decide further action must be taken, so I proceed to ram her car into the ditch so I would be able to have a few polite words with her.
"You little whippersnapper, I'll call the cops on you" she warned me.
"Not without a larynx you won't" I quickly retorted.
Then I pulled out my leatherman and tore a large hole in her throat, allowing me to reach in and remove her larynx as I had promised.
As she stood there gurgling, I knew that I had to either finish the job, or cut my losses and go home. The former sounded the most appealing so I reached into my trunk and pulled out the tire iron.
The sound of her skull crushing in and the warmth of her blood splattering on my face prompted me to recite the words to "Tennessee" by Arrested Development.
"I challenge you to a game of horseshoes. A GAME OF HORSESHOES!!!!" I chanted repeatedly.
Now I found myself in a bit of a dilemma. I had already torched Gurdeep earlier in the day, so I figured I would have to finish this one off a little differently.
Using a 2x4 and a power winch, I managed to snap the old lady's body in half at the waist. You would be surprised at how brittle an octogenarians bones really are. I guess osteoporosis is quite the affliction.
Using the flag pole at the city hall, I managed to hoist the crabby old maid's body up the pole. It was a beautiful sight to see those skinny old legs flying proudly in the air.
If I could have one wish granted, it would be that murder and dismemberment wouldn't have to be part of our daily routines as humans. You would think that we have evolved past that.
I guess not.
Maybe tomorrow will be better for me.
There I am, driving at a considerate 5 mph over the speed limit as I notice a Reliant ahead of me going about 15mph. Had this been a two-lane, I wouldn't have cared, but this is a quiet country road with only one lane.
I spotted a tuft of white above the driver's seat, so I assumed I was dealing with an elderly woman.
I drove up behind her and honked 3 times in a futile attempt to get her to speed up, but to no avail. So I pulled out the megaphone from underneath my seat and asked nicely
"Excuse me oldie, but would you mind either speeding up or pulling over so I can overtake you?"
Then the decrepit old sack of bones slows down even further. My blood starts to boil, the veins in my face pop out, and I know that there is going to be a conflict. I try again
"Listen you withering cancerous lesion, I will ask you once more. Move over or I will break your hip"
So she slows down again.
I decide further action must be taken, so I proceed to ram her car into the ditch so I would be able to have a few polite words with her.
"You little whippersnapper, I'll call the cops on you" she warned me.
"Not without a larynx you won't" I quickly retorted.
Then I pulled out my leatherman and tore a large hole in her throat, allowing me to reach in and remove her larynx as I had promised.
As she stood there gurgling, I knew that I had to either finish the job, or cut my losses and go home. The former sounded the most appealing so I reached into my trunk and pulled out the tire iron.
The sound of her skull crushing in and the warmth of her blood splattering on my face prompted me to recite the words to "Tennessee" by Arrested Development.
"I challenge you to a game of horseshoes. A GAME OF HORSESHOES!!!!" I chanted repeatedly.
Now I found myself in a bit of a dilemma. I had already torched Gurdeep earlier in the day, so I figured I would have to finish this one off a little differently.
Using a 2x4 and a power winch, I managed to snap the old lady's body in half at the waist. You would be surprised at how brittle an octogenarians bones really are. I guess osteoporosis is quite the affliction.
Using the flag pole at the city hall, I managed to hoist the crabby old maid's body up the pole. It was a beautiful sight to see those skinny old legs flying proudly in the air.
If I could have one wish granted, it would be that murder and dismemberment wouldn't have to be part of our daily routines as humans. You would think that we have evolved past that.
I guess not.
Maybe tomorrow will be better for me.
