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Irish Joke

theoak01

theoak01

New member
This man walks into a bar up the Falls Road with a crocodile on a leash.
'Excuse me, he says to the barman, 'do you serve Protestants?'
'Yes, says the barman, 'we're fairly liberal.' 'Well, says the customer, 'give me a pint of Guinness and two Protestants for the crocodile.



more to come every few days or so.ive found a great source with many on it. most wont get it but most uk guys will get a kick
 
nice, I know a good one about a genie, a slide and an Englishman an Irishman and Welshman and will get it up tommorow.
 
two irish ladies were in a field picking potatoes, one lady picks up 2 huge potatoes and says "these here, remind me of my husband's balls" the other lady says "my god molly, are they that big?" she says "no they're that dirty".
 
another potato head excellent.Ill post another joke up tonight when I get home from work in this thread

Cheers
 
An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in.
The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...
The first man says, "Watch this..."
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says,
"Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"
The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says,
"Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"
So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends.
When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"
So he walks over to the Irishman ans says,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."
 
Ok, this used to amuse me no end when I was about seven years old.


An Enlishman an Irishman and a Welshman were at the swimming pool and were using the big water slide and mucking about. Then they come across a lamp, so they rub it and out pops a genie, he says "You have one wish each, you will slide down the slide and shout out your wish and whatever it is you will land in a pool full of it and it will be yours."
The Englishman went first and halfwat down shouted "Money!!!!!!" and he landed in a pool full of money, then the Welsh guy went and halfway down he shouted "Women!!!" and he landed amongst them, then the Irish guy went and halfway down he shouts out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
 
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.

I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
 
Now theres a blast from the past.......shit i remember that one from when I was a kid.


tuc biscuit said:
Ok, this used to amuse me no end when I was about seven years old.


An Enlishman an Irishman and a Welshman were at the swimming pool and were using the big water slide and mucking about. Then they come across a lamp, so they rub it and out pops a genie, he says "You have one wish each, you will slide down the slide and shout out your wish and whatever it is you will land in a pool full of it and it will be yours."
The Englishman went first and halfwat down shouted "Money!!!!!!" and he landed in a pool full of money, then the Welsh guy went and halfway down he shouted "Women!!!" and he landed amongst them, then the Irish guy went and halfway down he shouts out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
Click to expand...
 
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
 
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 
Imnotdutch said:
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Click to expand...

heard that before and its my fav joke of all time
 
When I was a kid, I wanted to dress up for Halloween as a Bum
with a bottle.

Mom refused as her Dad was a lousy drunk I guess..
 
MsBeverlyHills said:
great thread-- karma to all of ya...
Click to expand...

Seeing as you gave me k I'll do you a favour and tell you something that others probably avoid telling you so that they dont upset you.

You are different than us and I think you need to see the doctor about it. You see........how can I put this.........*thinks*.........ok I'll just say it.........you have blue skin. That just isnt normal.
 
A party of very talented soccer coaches came from London to teach the boys of Dublin the rudiments of the game. They picked out two sides of eleven each. They selected likely goalkeepers, centre backs and so on, and then they got down to the basic aims of the sport.

'The object,' said coach Jones, 'is to get this ball here, from the playing area, into that net at the other end of the field.'

'Say no more,' said Murphy and, picking up the ball, he ran with it under his arm and threw it into the goal. Jogging back he said smilingly, 'Now what do I do with it, coach?'

And coach Jones, in no uncertain terms, told him what he could do with it.

And that's how a rugby ball got its shape!
 
Imnotdutch said:


Seeing as you gave me k I'll do you a favour and tell you something that others probably avoid telling you so that they dont upset you.

You are different than us and I think you need to see the doctor about it. You see........how can I put this.........*thinks*.........ok I'll just say it.........you have blue skin. That just isnt normal.
Click to expand...

really..doesnt look blue from here. must be your computer..LOL!

ok brolys heres mine:

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
 
lmao best yet :)

MsBeverlyHills said:


really..doesnt look blue from here. must be your computer..LOL!

ok brolys heres mine:

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.

So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Click to expand...
 
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
 
Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian bastard murders family pet."
 
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is HUGE-THOUSANDS. Her majesty and his holiness cant help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, The royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, That was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope SLAPS her.
 
A young Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm, They seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it to letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a Prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The Doctor was called but the old man clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Priest was called. As the Priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner, killed by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you've become." "Please forgive me," she sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things. I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a Prostitute." Brushing the Priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, Smiling "Did you say Prostitute?...I thought you said PROTESTANT!"
 
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day, he was walking down the High street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald" he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The Pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this Pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The landlord nodded and said, "oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
 
here is a bit of Irish poetry

Saoirse

When your mind is growing weary and tired
And your heart continues to break
You try to move on, but thoughts within mired
Of having visited the dead in their wake.

Life has brought to you much to ponder
No matter how far you've gone away,
The heart, full of a love growing fonder
For that freedom we shall attain one day.

People before us and soon to follow us
Will lay down their lives and give up all
For this is what it takes and nothing less
Once is finished, the mighty British will fall.

You will not find hearts any bigger than our own
Full of pride and a love that knows no bounds.
Our passion, throughout this world is known,
And it is on our voices, Saoirse, Freedom sounds!

Faith will carry us through, see us to the end
Bringing with it a new dawning, one that's free
Raising our spirits, our hearts on the mend
Then a Nation Once Again we'll forever be!!!!!

A Wee Irish Devil
 
Let no man doubt who will be Master of Ireland when Ireland is free. The People will be the Masters, The Great, Splendid Common, Soveriegn People."-- Padraig Pearse

Everyone, Republic or otherwise has their own particular part to play. No part is too great or too small, No one is too old or too young to do something" --Bobby Sands

Believe that we too love freedom and desire it. To us it is more desirable than anything in the world. If you strike us down now, we shall rise again and renew the fight. You cannot conquer Ireland; you cannot extinguish the Irish passion for freedom; if our deed has not been sufficient to win freedom then our children will win it with a better deed." --Padraig Pearse
 
An English Bulldog, an American Pitbull, and an Irish Wolfhound were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The Irish Wolfhound turned to the English Bulldog and said, "So why are you here?
The English Bulldog replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Irish Wolfhound said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the English Bulldog. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Irish Wolfhound then turned to the American Pitbull and asked, "Why are you here?"
The American Pitbull said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
So what are they going to do to you?" the Irish Wolfhound inquired. "Looks like
I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected American Pitbull said.
The American Pitbull then turned to the Irish Wolfhound and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the Irish Wolfhound said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, post-box's, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The American Pitbull and English Bulldog exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The Irish Wolfhound said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
 
I wasnt last man out,but I drank 2.5 pitchers of guinness and about 3 pints,just got up a hour ago,feel like shit
 
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