.
My dad smoked for over 38 years. His cancer started in his bladder( which is were MOST cancer starts in men who smoke)
His then went into the lungs. He prolly had it there for a long time and did not know it.
I stayed with my dad 24/7 as well. My mom could not cope so I had to step in. Hospice was ok, but dad DID not want to go into nursing home, so we did it all( like you did)
I lost my mom shortly after. I think she died from a broken heart.
It was the best thing I ever did, being with him, and it was the worst. I know you know what I'm talking about.
I still cry when I think about it, so I know what you mean about the breaking down and tryimg to block it all out.