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I have to write a Best Man speech...

Nathan

Nathan

New member
Alright, so help me out here. Here's what I've got so far:

Horatio Humperdinck (that's what we'll call my best friend) has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. He isn't the most attractive, or even likeable, fellow for that matter. Frankly, I'm only his friend cause he buys me stuff and gives me drugs for free, but that's beside the point. I have never seen him happier than he is with Zelda here. Granted, it's probably because she's letting him pork her day and night, but nevertheless, he's happy. (At this point my friend will probably throw wine glasses and other sharp projectiles at me but I'll dig deep for the courage to continue.) What was it you said to me just the other day Horatio? Oh yeah, "She's not the prettiest I've ever had but I don't go for quality. I'm a quantity kind of man." Anyway, I sincerely believe these two kids are gonna beat the odds and make it at least a few years. It won't be easy but what is nowadays? I mean fuck, I just paid out my asshole to rent this goddamn tux for the day and I work my ass off surfing the net all day on bodybuilding discussion boards for what little money I get. I've been meaning to thank you two assholes for that by the way. So, here's to the happy couple and I wish them the best of luck. (At this point I will make a pass at the bride by blowing kisses her way and rubbing my crotch.) Cheers!





What do you guys think? A little bit too much maybe?
 
Don't forget to mention the Illigitimate Baby you and the bride to be had 2 years ago.. Ask where the little fella is today ...
 
Needs more Omph but I like the direction your going in.
 
Alright, thanks guys. I'll add this in after I rub my crotch:

Fucking shit. The goddamn bride and I go back a long fucking ways too. Shit, this twat and I used to fuck back in the day before she ever met Horatio, who is consequently of no relation to Prince Humperdink (sorry Havoc). Christ above the stars, we had a bastard child together that is probably being bounced upon the knee of it's white trash foster father Lester the Molester or whatever the fuck that sonofabitch's name was. Ah fuck it, who the fuck gives a shit anyways? I sure as fuck don't! (I will remove my pants and put them on my head at this point, as well as open a bottle of champaign with my anus for more 'oomph'.)
 
Nathan said:
Alright, thanks guys. I'll add this in after I rub my crotch:

Fucking shit. The goddamn bride and I go back a long fucking ways too. Shit, this twat and I used to fuck back in the day before she ever met Horatio, who is consequently of no relation to Prince Humperdink (sorry Havoc). Christ above the stars, we had a bastard child together that is probably being bounced upon the knee of it's white trash foster father Lester the Molester or whatever the fuck that sonofabitch's name was. Ah fuck it, who the fuck gives a shit anyways? I sure as fuck don't! (I will remove my pants and put them on my head at this point, as well as open a bottle of champaign with my anus for more 'oomph'.)
Click to expand...

The man is good.
 
beastboy said:
Perfection.....EXCEPT there is nothing about midgets.
Click to expand...

Okay now we're getting somewhere. There does need to be a midget reference in there somewhere. After I open the champaign bottle with my anus I'll say:

This has nothing to do with the bride and groom, but I would like to get something off my chest. I am sexually attracted to albino midgets. Seeing them makes me have to masturbate right away. I have never myself had an umbrella rammed up my ass but it is something I would like to try. It strikes me as the kind of experience that would make one question reality and the world we live in. Does anyone happen to have an umbrella on them? No? Alright, my time's almost up so let me say one more thing. Hitler wasn't a bad man, I think he was just misunderstood. Did you know that he was a painter before all that other stuff he did? I'll bet he banged some of the hottest women in Germany, well, hot by 1940's standards anyways.
 
Nathan said:


Okay now we're getting somewhere. There does need to be a midget reference in there somewhere. After I open the champaign bottle with my anus I'll say:

This has nothing to do with the bride and groom, but I would like to get something off my chest. I am sexually attracted to albino midgets. Seeing them makes me have to masturbate right away. I have never myself had an umbrella rammed up my ass but it is something I would like to try. It strikes me as the kind of experience that would make one question reality and the world we live in. Does anyone happen to have an umbrella on them? No? Alright, my time's almost up so let me say one more thing. Hitler wasn't a bad man, I think he was just misunderstood. Did you know that he was a painter before all that other stuff he did? I'll bet he banged some of the hottest women in Germany, well, hot by 1940's standards anyways.
Click to expand...

Now all I need is an invitation to the wedding to witness this....
 
I have a friend that swears one of his friends brags incessantly about the fact that he pulled off a double dirty sanchez.

as for a best man speech - that is some good stuff.
as I sit here with fluffernutter nearly covering my chest, I'll type out what I imagine I'd write were someone ever mislead enough to ask me to do such a thing in "real life" ("real life" is what you see on reality tv - duh).

first off - don't overlook the appearance and how you carry yourself throughout the event. the speech is such a small part that it is feasible that people will not pay attention, not get it, or just not be there to witness the event. that is why you need to sustain the look and feel the entire day and into the night.
start off by finding a cheap place to rent your tux. get it about 3 days prior tot he wedding, and once you pick it up (3 days before the wedding), put that bad boy on and wear it all the time. shower in it, sleep in it, wear it around, go to bars, clubs, etc. you want that thing to have the right look.
then when the big day comes, finish it off with no shower, mess up the greasy hair, wear the cumberbun wrong - too high, too low.. your call. pull one of the shirt tails out through the fly of your pants. only wear one of the shoes - for the other, just go in the sock, or some sneaker that you own. get a really good tie, the kind you actually tie, and then don't tie it. just wrap it around and get it a bit under the collar maybe - no worries, later in the night you will be tying it around your head as a sweatband sort of deal.
make sure that you have a solid drunk going on into this wedding - I'd recommend no less than 8 hours drinking prior to the ceremony itself and then just keep going through there. well timed swigs from a nice flask during choice phrases of the ceremony will be gems that nobody will forget.
and then there is one phrase that can't hurt you "lots of ass grabbing"

after the wedding when the bride and groom line up to shake hands and hug the family, you get in there too - occasionally have a hand down your pants massaging those big beautiful balls of yours - then make a big deal of taking that hand out to use for handshakes. smack the bride's father on the back, give a look to the bride and say "That is one FINE peice of ASS you got there!" then reach around and grab one of his ass cheeks and smack his back again.

once it is time for your actual speech, be sure you retained the drinking that you have been doing all day - once the speech is given, then you can stop drinking.
depending on who the person is, my speech would likely go something like this - stealing liberally from other sources:

As many of you bastards know, I've been relatively good friends with... umm... that dude... oh - Joe. yeah. him. I like him. Anyway, he and I go way back. I can remember the first time he got his ass kicked in school - and ... no, no that was me... my bad. But I was there that time... no... that was also me. you know, to be honest, I guess I never really was that close with Jim... Joe. But that said, he is a great guy. He is a caring fellow that shares - hell, just the other day we met these chicks... I guess you could call them hookers - but shit - I don't remember paying. Anyway, John... Joe - was like, dude, I really want to fuck the fat one in the ass, but you can do whatever you want with her after I'm done. That right there is generosity at its finest as far as I'm concerned. I think he and that bitch over there will be just fine as long as she is quick to give up the ass if you know what I mean! Speaking of that bitch - I sure hope she doesn't get a fucking huge ass like her mom as you can see out there. damn that shit is nasty - thank god that dress doesn't really show it off - but trust me, I grabbed a handful of that, and in my opinion, were I her husband I'd stick to being a tits kinda guy...
Anyway, I think you and I both know that this is gonna be one fine ass dance party in a few minutes, so let's get this toast shit over with and that is just that much sooner to me going to the bathroom with the bitch in blue over there and snorting coke off her tits - I mean look at those things!
So uh - Joe - rock on dude - and that chick you are marrying... you know.. her... uh - yeah.

The rest... just ad lib.
 
Okay, thanks. And I'll end it with a broad smile all the while nodding emphatically and will say:


That'll do pig....that'll do.
 
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