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Husbands

T

Troublemaker

New member
Why is it that husbands find it so difficult to talk to their wives. Is it totally impossible for them to share their lives with us? They don't even tell us the things that aren't that bad but would allow us actually share in their lives and day to day life. What is wrong with all you guys out there?
 
i'm the same way. thats my wifes biggest complaint about me too.

hold it in. the only time when i communicate i'm already pissed and i blow up at her.
 
It doesn't help that you women always think you're right and start telling us what to do and shit any time we do start letting out guard down and tell you something.
 
I don't do that. I am rather willing to admit that I don't always have the answer. But I can't seem to understand why he always has to do things his way and then to top it off helps everyone with their problems. He gives everyone support. He is the greatest guy as long as you are not married to him.
 
Jimsbbc said:
It doesn't help that you women always think you're right and start telling us what to do and shit any time we do start letting out guard down and tell you something.
Click to expand...

right on broham. women can't make up their minds about shit.
everytime i try and give my wife a say so or try and be nice to her she starts to run all over me. so its back to the mean husband again.

and they always have to criticize you, then if you change they criticize that. you ask them what they suggest and they'll say "i don't know."

don't critisize if you don't have an answer, or if you know nothing about the matter.

just understand as husbands we have to make life decisions that effect everybody, whether the wife aggrees or not. we do whats best for the family and we aren't going to change our minds just because someone is going to be uncomfortable for a while.

to have a good life in the future we have to work hard and sacrifice now.

i could go on........................damn i was not meant to be married.


:bawling:
 
For the record i snuggle with my wife every day. I just like to be close to her. But i agree with the above post where we try to talk but get run over, like it's spring loaded. Some of the biggest fights i've had with my wife have started with me talking to her about my deepest concerns etc.
 
i am not talking about life decisions for the good of the family. I am talking about the part of being a companion to me. He is a good companion to complete stranges and offers the best advice to everyone. Yet when it comes to my needs and when I need a shoulder he is everywhere but where I need him. He hardly listens or responds to anything I may ask an opinion on. I am starting to think it is me. He was great when we where dating, but time seems to have stolen that from us.
 
Sounds like a lack of communication to me. You need to tell him what you need in the relationship for him to change.
 
Tell him how you feel. It won't get better until you do. If he truly loves you and wants it to work, then he'll make a conscious effort to change his ways.
 
but when i try to tell him what i need he thinks i am nagging him. i am not trying to nag, in fact i feel that i am being so diplomatic that i want to vomit. Can men change? I just want to scream and rip out my hair or something. Everytime i try to bring up the issue he picks a fight with me or finds some stupid reason to blow me off. How do i make him understand that this is something that is very important to me?
 
PHATchik said:
Tell him how you feel. It won't get better until you do. If he truly loves you and wants it to work, then he'll make a conscious effort to change his ways.
Click to expand...

this is correct. if he cares that much about you he will change, but both of you have to make a concious effort.


1.) don't turn talking into arguing (this is probably our biggest problem)
2.) and when he tells you how he feels don't get pissed that he feels that way

the one thing that lights my fire is when my wife starts to raise her voice......i go irate.
 
He has to decide for himself that it is important. You can't make him figure it out. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you, but I am afraid that I can't even figure out my own life. I just hope he realizes what he is doing before it's too late.
 
if you two don't get along.
don't spend the rest of your life miserable. life is too short.

there is someone that can make you happy and they are really not that hard to find. you just have to look in places you've never looked before.
 
timrock said:


this is correct. if he cares that much about you he will change, but both of you have to make a concious effort.


1.) don't turn talking into arguing (this is probably our biggest problem)
2.) and when he tells you how he feels don't get pissed that he feels that way

the one thing that lights my fire is when my wife starts to raise her voice......i go irate.
Click to expand...


bor do i ever know what you are saying! It's not fun to have your head bit off when your trying to open up to your wife!
 
timrock said:
if you two don't get along.
don't spend the rest of your life miserable. life is too short.

there is someone that can make you happy and they are really not that hard to find. you just have to look in places you've never looked before.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't be so quick to give up on a marriage so quickly. Just because there are some communication problems, does not mean that she should pack up and move out. Divorce happens so often because some people simply won't make an effort to fix things. She should talk to him about this and tell him exactly what she thinks and where she is coming from. Try to work through it...don't run away.
 
PHATchik said:


I wouldn't be so quick to give up on a marriage so quickly. Just because there are some communication problems, does not mean that she should pack up and move out. Divorce happens so often because some people simply won't make an effort to fix things. She should talk to him about this and tell him exactly what she thinks and where she is coming from. Try to work through it...don't run away.
Click to expand...


i'm not saying give up.....give it some time and then if things are still sh^tty it may be time to move on.

i added that because she sounds very unhappy and things like this don't pop up over night. i'm sure this has been going on for a while.

i feel most women (in my opinion) especially around 24 yrs and older feel they HAVE to have a man. and they'll hold on to dirt bags and losers and they'll put up with abuse just to try and make things work.
i've seen too many women slapped around at home or they have a man that sleeps around. if women wouldn't put up with it it wouldn't happen........or it would only happen once.

ok maybe i'm getting off the subject but depending on how long you have tried to work on this.....if there is no change in your partner it may be time to part ways. divorce is a part of life.
 
timrock said:



i'm not saying give up.....give it some time and then if things are still sh^tty it may be time to move on.

i added that because she sounds very unhappy and things like this don't pop up over night. i'm sure this has been going on for a while.

i feel most women (in my opinion) especially around 24 yrs and older feel they HAVE to have a man. and they'll hold on to dirt bags and losers and they'll put up with abuse just to try and make things work.
i've seen too many women slapped around at home or they have a man that sleeps around. if women wouldn't put up with it it wouldn't happen........or it would only happen once.

ok maybe i'm getting off the subject but depending on how long you have tried to work on this.....if there is no change in your partner it may be time to part ways. divorce is a part of life.
Click to expand...

I can agree with you on some of that. I'm single, but I can honestly say that if a man was sleeping around on me or abusing me in any way, his ass would be gone. I would rather be single than allow myself to be hurt repeatedly. I've been hurt before, not in either of those ways, but hurt nonetheless. And I became a much stronger, more independant person because of it. In her case, I am simply saying do all she can to make it work. Ending a marriage is not something to be considered except as a last alternative.
 
timrock said:



i've seen too many women slapped around at home or they have a man that sleeps around. if women wouldn't put up with it it wouldn't happen........or it would only happen once.
Click to expand...

sounds like you are blaming the females inaction for the males action. that maybe be true in timrockworld but not in the real world. contrary to what you believe, women that stand up to men who hit them get hit more than once.
 
DepressiveJuice said:


sounds like you are blaming the females inaction for the males action.
Click to expand...

after reading it after you pointed that out i see how you could get that out of it, but in no way do i mean what you have interpreted.

i see the women around me mostly my wife's friends. and i see this time and time again of this happening to her friends and everytime the woman goes back. in no way blaming womans inactions for mens actions. there is no excuse for any abuse whatsoever.

but this is real life and abuse is going to happen no matter what. i just don't understand why women go back to these creeps after time and time again of being hurt physically or being cheated on.
 
apologies for misinterpretating what you said. i agree with this statement as well


timrock said:


i just don't understand why women go back to these creeps after time and time again of being hurt physically or being cheated on.
Click to expand...
 
I have been married for 14 years and I think I am a pretty good at communicating with my wife. The times I do clam up though are when she is in a nagging mood. Fortunately she is not like that often.
 
My favorite is the "What do you think? Give me your opinion, etc..." I do so & get "You don't know what you are talking about"

Then why the F did you ask? Don't ask me anymore then! Grrrrr
 
Go to marraigebuilders.com and start posting on their discussion board. There is a problem in you marraige. You have seen the first of many signs to follow. You have a choice to either fix it or ignore it. Your needs as well as the needs of your husband are not being met. Maybe he's afraid to talk to you. Get the book,"getting the love you want". There is a great exercise in there on communication. It is so easy to just up and leave. The hardest is to stay and fight it out. If it's worth it to you, you will. Go see a marraige counselor too. Good luck!!! PM me if you need help!
 
jenscats5 said:
My favorite is the "What do you think? Give me your opinion, etc..." I do so & get "You don't know what you are talking about"

Then why the F did you ask? Don't ask me anymore then! Grrrrr
Click to expand...

More things I can add to the lists of things I am not supposed to say.
 
PHATchik said:


More things I can add to the lists of things I am not supposed to say.
Click to expand...

you have to agree that women ask some stupid questions.

My last GF would ask my opinion on something knowing damn well that she already knew what she was going to do.

She would just want to argue her point, not consider my opinion.
 
TC2 said:


you have to agree that women ask some stupid questions.

My last GF would ask my opinion on something knowing damn well that she already knew what she was going to do.

She would just want to argue her point, not consider my opinion.
Click to expand...

Sometimes, guys are just too paranoid to simply give an answer. They think that every question is loaded, blah blah blah. Can't I just ask a simple question without any ulterior motive?
 
PHATchik said:


Sometimes, guys are just too paranoid to simply give an answer. They think that every question is loaded, blah blah blah. Can't I just ask a simple question without any ulterior motive?

Problem is that a lot of questions are loaded.

Think about that for a minute, it's very manipulative to ask people loaded questions.

I'm not paranoid cause I don't give a fuck.

chick- Do these jeans make my ass look fat??

Me- No, your ass makes your ass look fat.

If you don't want an honest answer then don't ask, we're not fuckin mind readers.
Click to expand...
 
TC2 said:
PHATchik said:


Sometimes, guys are just too paranoid to simply give an answer. They think that every question is loaded, blah blah blah. Can't I just ask a simple question without any ulterior motive?

Problem is that a lot of questions are loaded.

Think about that for a minute, it's very manipulative to ask people loaded questions.

I'm not paranoid cause I don't give a fuck.

chick- Do these jeans make my ass look fat??

Me- No, your ass makes your ass look fat.
Click to expand...


Not all questions are loaded though! I could be asking a very simple, innocent question, and he gets all paranoid over it!
Click to expand...
 
PHATchik said:



Not all questions are loaded though! I could be asking a very simple, innocent question, and he gets all paranoid over it!
Click to expand...

Depends on what the question is though.
 
TC2 said:


Depends on what the question is though.
Click to expand...

Sometimes. But unfortunately, it doesn't really matter what the question is. A guy can assume it's loaded anyway and do his damnest to get out of answering it.
 
PHATchik said:


Sometimes. But unfortunately, it doesn't really matter what the question is. A guy can assume it's loaded anyway and do his damnest to get out of answering it.
Click to expand...


Is this a loaded post?????:p
 
If you don't want an honest answer then don't ask, we're not fuckin mind readers.
Click to expand...

Guys and girls communicate so much differently...and they place high values on different things. It is just one of those things that will never change...

And I guess to some extent I think woman do expect men to be mind readers. Which, you are right is not fair...Don't ask us why we do it; truthfully I don't even know if we are conscious of it. (Hmmm...blame it on our mom's) A lot of times instead of just coming out and saying what we are feeling or what we want, we "drop hints" hoping that the man will pick up on them...and when they don't we get frustrated.

I guess another thing that I notice is that men do express their feelings, but just don't elaborate on them like women do. For example, a man can be frustrated about something and in a few sentences can express his feelings about it, make a decision, and move on... Where a woman, most likely dwells on the topic thinking about every possible scenario, makes a decision, thinks about it for awhile longer, second-guesses her first decision and changes her mind etc... Granted that is not how we make all of our decisions...but some of them are.


Ok...that is my 2 cents...:)
 
There were some good comments at the beginning about loaded questions.

I a husband clams up when the wife starts "questioning" him, it could be partially both their faults. For many guys a good line of questioning starts with "Whose winning?". Start there and by the end of the game enough trust may be built up that you can segue into "does this make my butt look big?"
 
Troublemaker said:
Why is it that husbands find it so difficult to talk to their wives. Is it totally impossible for them to share their lives with us? They don't even tell us the things that aren't that bad but would allow us actually share in their lives and day to day life. What is wrong with all you guys out there?
Click to expand...

Instead of concentrating on OTHER people and why they don't communicate.....i.e. "husbands", "wives" ...etc....etc...

Why not concentrate on why you, yourself attract these people in the first place?
........people that don't share with you

Why not concentrate on why that person is NOT sharing with you?

........think it has anything to do with a personal insecurity YOU have?

Or would you continue to blame others and point the finger?

I read thread like this and thinkone thing;
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The people that bash their other half are just as much to blame. If you weren't, you would be elsewhere in another relationship.
Work out your OWN insecurities and than you may be able to understand others. Chances are, what I type will still not get through to any of you. Good luck and ice that finger bc it seems like it's getting a lot of work.
 
Troublemaker said:
Why is it that husbands find it so difficult to talk to their wives. Is it totally impossible for them to share their lives with us? They don't even tell us the things that aren't that bad but would allow us actually share in their lives and day to day life. What is wrong with all you guys out there?
Click to expand...

It is just the way that us men are. Unlike women, we dont feel the urge to talk aobut pointless things.
 
Imnotdutch said:


It is just the way that us men are. Unlike women, we dont feel the urge to talk aobut pointless things.
Click to expand...



:lmao: ...That is a Classic post..

What we chatter on about is not pointless to us though....
 
toga22 said:




:lmao: ...That is a Classic post..

What we chatter on about is not pointless to us though....
Click to expand...

I work in a department full of women.........I just dont see what is so interesting about some of the things they talk about........but they obviously find these things interesting and fun to talk about.

Common topics are:

1) Where they bought their latest pair of hideous patterned stockings / tights.
2) How much they paid to get their hair done.
3) How insensitive men are.
4) How their boobs hurt so they have to sleep on their backs.
5) Comments about the figure / clothes / shoes of other female members of staff.
 
Troublemaker said:
Why is it that husbands find it so difficult to talk to their wives. Is it totally impossible for them to share their lives with us? They don't even tell us the things that aren't that bad but would allow us actually share in their lives and day to day life. What is wrong with all you guys out there?
Click to expand...

Unless your 'net connection is in the kitchen, shut your fat mouth.
 
Re: Re: Husbands

Imnotdutch said:


I work in a department full of women.........I just dont see what is so interesting about some of the things they talk about........but they obviously find these things interesting and fun to talk about.

Common topics are:

1) Where they bought their latest pair of hideous patterned stockings / tights.
2) How much they paid to get their hair done.
3) How insensitive men are.
4) How their boobs hurt so they have to sleep on their backs.
5) Comments about the figure / clothes / shoes of other female members of staff.
Click to expand...


Haha..Poor Guy.... It must make for one long week for you. :)

I am the exact opposite...work in a department full of men...

So I know pretty much everything that there is to know about -football/basketball/hockey/NASCAR..
-hunting/fishing..bait, lures, traps,& guns..
-Women that are HOT or that they would "Bang in a heartbeat"
-Home/Car repair..
-Beer.
-The gym
-The latest episode of "The Man Show"
-and why their current GF/wife is nothing but a nag..

I am not complaining either. Lately we have been putting in 72 hours work weeks on the road, where we not only work all day together, but then go out together at night...all in all it has been a very interesting month.
 
He's right! Talking about penis size amongst themselves all day isn't pointless. Talking about actual concerns and issues that are pertinent to a relationship is pointless. Suddenly it all makes sense to me. How could have I been so foolish and blind? I should be discussing his penis size.
 
toga22 said:


Guys and girls communicate so much differently...and they place high values on different things. It is just one of those things that will never change...

And I guess to some extent I think woman do expect men to be mind readers. Which, you are right is not fair...Don't ask us why we do it; truthfully I don't even know if we are conscious of it. (Hmmm...blame it on our mom's) A lot of times instead of just coming out and saying what we are feeling or what we want, we "drop hints" hoping that the man will pick up on them...and when they don't we get frustrated.

I guess another thing that I notice is that men do express their feelings, but just don't elaborate on them like women do. For example, a man can be frustrated about something and in a few sentences can express his feelings about it, make a decision, and move on... Where a woman, most likely dwells on the topic thinking about every possible scenario, makes a decision, thinks about it for awhile longer, second-guesses her first decision and changes her mind etc... Granted that is not how we make all of our decisions...but some of them are.


Ok...that is my 2 cents...:)
Click to expand...

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD A WOMAN SAY...SHE UNDERSTANDS EXACTLY. ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE DROPPING HINTS PART!
 
timrock said:


THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD A WOMAN SAY...SHE UNDERSTANDS EXACTLY. ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE DROPPING HINTS PART!
Click to expand...

She's probably a guy. Don't get too excited.
 
Troublemaker said:
Why is it that husbands find it so difficult to talk to their wives. Is it totally impossible for them to share their lives with us? They don't even tell us the things that aren't that bad but would allow us actually share in their lives and day to day life. What is wrong with all you guys out there?
Click to expand...

For real. Well, I mean, I'm not married...but those darn boys. Then they get all on fire for us not sharing our lives with them. It makes me not want to, ya know?
 
Imakarum_Mirabilis said:


She's probably a guy. Don't get too excited.
Click to expand...


You really shouldn't post when you are under the influence of anything. You say really silly stuff. Toga a man? HA!
 
Imakarum_Mirabilis said:


She's probably a guy. Don't get too excited.
Click to expand...

I am probably a guy?!? I have been called a lot of things but never a guy...

Thanks for the compliment Taps!! :)
 
If he opens up and talks and you do anything to violate his trust or make him feel he should not open up...then you will have problems. When he is vulnerable and being open is when you must try hard to listen to him. There is a difference between "Hearing" his words and "LISTENING" to what is being said.

IMO- it boils down to communication skills, and flexygrl is right...one or both of you have needs which are not being met. It is work to get things moving along in a peaceful manner, and it requires equal effort from both parties.

You cannot give 70% and him give 30%, and vice versa

You must give 100% and he must give 100%

If both parties are not participating to their fullest, everything gets out of whack.

Good Luck, also try making love more often and make sure he knows he is the love of your life.
 
Shadow is so right it's scary!!!!!


One thing though Shadow that what men need to understand is if we ask you to open up be prepared for us to get pissed if you say something bad. I know that in the mind of a man he feels he is opening up and getting punished, but what do you guys expect, seriously?If you are telling up something awful, like you don't find us attractive anymore or that you have urges to sleep around are we just suppose to smile and deal with it? Most men wont talk because they are afraid of the consequences. I say, take your chance. Speak your mind. Let her get pissed. Then leave it up to her. Tell her what you want. Leave it up to her to fix.

Example, say your wife is getting heavy. Maybe you are not as attracted to her anymore. Tell her anyway and let her decide if she wants to fix herself. Yes, she will be mad, yes she will scream, but ya know what? Now she knows how you feel. Communication is the key!!! This is not a cliche. Communication is what can make or break a marraige. Trust me when I tell you this, cause I have been there.
 
flexygrl said:
Shadow is so right it's scary!!!!!


One thing though Shadow that what men need to understand is if we ask you to open up be prepared for us to get pissed if you say something bad. I know that in the mind of a man he feels he is opening up and getting punished, but what do you guys expect, seriously?If you are telling up something awful, like you don't find us attractive anymore or that you have urges to sleep around are we just suppose to smile and deal with it? Most men wont talk because they are afraid of the consequences. I say, take your chance. Speak your mind. Let her get pissed. Then leave it up to her. Tell her what you want. Leave it up to her to fix.

Example, say your wife is getting heavy. Maybe you are not as attracted to her anymore. Tell her anyway and let her decide if she wants to fix herself. Yes, she will be mad, yes she will scream, but ya know what? Now she knows how you feel. Communication is the key!!! This is not a cliche. Communication is what can make or break a marraige. Trust me when I tell you this, cause I have been there.
Click to expand...

I agree. I would tell my ex when she was getting too heavy. Of course, being a woman, it hurt her feelings, but she did something about it and it was better for both of us. If I were too fat, I would want to be told.
 
timrock said:
troublemaker are you my wife? go to bed if you are.
Click to expand...

Actually she is my wife... FOR REAL... She's been reading my posts and I guess decided to see why I spend so much time here. Raided my area in cyberspace.

She also hooked up with one girl here on a "friend" basis who had major issues with her hubby (Hi J, no hard feelings). I guess she is getting to the ends of her ropes with my anti social behavior.

She also read the post about my ex-GF. That opened a can of worms….

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=262244

You know IN all posts there are two sides to a story. Males take one position that the female can not understand and the female takes the other.
 
Troublemaker said:
please explain to me how you get a guy to like snuggling
Click to expand...

stop nagging him....

and then he'll snuggle...

Unless you are fat...
 
Ashamed said:


stop nagging him....

and then he'll snuggle...

Unless you are fat...
Click to expand...


Wear lingerie, light candles, smell good, and do not say anything negative...he will snuggle

say positive things and make effort to meet his needs without being a nagger... he will snuggle
 
Hey R and Trouble,

I only want the best for both of you. I want you both to be in a happy marraige. Unfortunatly mine can't be saved, but yours can. I would never give trouble bad advice. I still believe that love is very possible between two people who want it bad enough! I am wishing you both all the best!!!! Trouble, I saw your posts on the "other" board. Thank you so much for being so supportive. I am just a big asshole for putting up with this shit for as long as I did. Oh well....life goes on, I guess.
 
My husband and I joke about a quote from Robert A. Heinlein:

"Rules for a successful marriage: If you're ever arguing with your spouse and discover you're right apologize immediately!"

During almost every argument one of us makes that leap to apologize. The other one knows what that implies! Makes us both laugh and lightens up the tension. :)
 
Troublemaker said:
but when i try to tell him what i need he thinks i am nagging him. i am not trying to nag, in fact i feel that i am being so diplomatic that i want to vomit. Can men change? I just want to scream and rip out my hair or something. Everytime i try to bring up the issue he picks a fight with me or finds some stupid reason to blow me off. How do i make him understand that this is something that is very important to me?
Click to expand...

I read this somewhere and it stuck with me: "women get married expecting their husbands to change, men get married hoping their wives won't"

Not that it's relevant to your post but eh I felt like adding this.
 
Trouble...looking at stuff on here will only make you mad. You never know how is serious and how is joking around unless your here all the time. Let him have his space to vent and slove some problems. Go to counseling for yourself and find out why you are not happy or looking for things to bust him with.

I can say as a female on this board, he have always been respectful and nice. You have nothing to worry about on here, but you need to work on some issues at home. Good luck
 
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