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satanic goatslayer
New member
Many people have yet to experience the thrill that comes with hunting and trapping the sometimes elusive, yet always useless human. I will attempt to illustrate a method used to coax and kill the easiest of targets.
First, we need supplies. For our purposes, I will use a rather basic array of tools and instruments to make it easier for the novice trapper to obtain them.
We will need:
Rope (40 feet, just to be safe)
Flashlight
Large machete
Spear gun (or Hawaiian sling)
Duct tape
McDonalds meals (in bag)
Cooler
Crack/Crack Pipe
Ok, with supplies procured, it is time to head out on the hunt. I say hunt, as the trapping aspect of it is rather limited.
We need to ascertain our targets, so we can tailor our strategy accordingly. I will use a simple target, to make things easier for the beginner.
Our target is the ever-present obese ditch pig female. We will call her “Fat Cunt” to make things easier. Fat Cunt is extremely simple to hunt and kill, but grows more cumbersome when it is time to haul her back to the truck (enter the machete and rope)
Find the Fat Cunt, usually walking to the ice cream parlor, burger place, or soda machine. Now, retrace her trail and place the McDonald’s bag in a conspicuous location in her path. Hide in the bushes and wait, with spear gun in hand. Fat Cunt takes patience, as she waddles at a rather sluggish pace, due to the excess blubber she stores for winter.
Now, when she gets about 40 feet from you, prepare the gun. As she bends down to grab the McDonald’s bag, aim the spear at her lower back and fire a shot into the mammoth whale.
Assuming the shot was true, she should slump on the ground and make a rather appealing gurgling/moaning sound. Time for the duct tape. Tape her mouth, hands, and feet up. Fat Cunt’s swollen ankles might make this difficult, but carry on.
Now, with Fat Cunt tied up, begin to smash her face and skull in with the flashlight, stopping occasionally to laugh and smoke crack. When she is near death, take the time to breathe the air in, and celebrate your catch. You could even string Fat Cunt up and take pictures to prove to your friends the size of the beast.
Time for the finishing touch. Decapitate her with the machete, and take her head as a trophy. Many taxidermists won’t mind if you bring it in to them to have the work done, as they hate obese women. Throw her head in a cooler for preservation purposes.
Using the rope, tie her headless body up and attach her to the trailer hitch on the back of the truck. Drive around doing donuts and other entertaining moves, occasionally looking back to see if it’s body has been adequately skinned.
Once the body has been skinned, you can use the fat/meat for a number of things.
- Animal Feed
- Sell it to the Chinese
- Fatballs to throw at your friends
- Food, if you aren’t picky
- Makeshift pocket pussy
- Matting for gymnastics
Load it up into the truck, and celebrate with a nice big bottle of shine or absinthe. You now might want to look into hunting a more dangerous and elusive target. This hunt was a LEVEL 1. LEVEL 2 is a bit more tricky, as the target isn’t hauling 300 pounds of blubber around.
Congratulations on the hunt.
First, we need supplies. For our purposes, I will use a rather basic array of tools and instruments to make it easier for the novice trapper to obtain them.
We will need:
Rope (40 feet, just to be safe)
Flashlight
Large machete
Spear gun (or Hawaiian sling)
Duct tape
McDonalds meals (in bag)
Cooler
Crack/Crack Pipe
Ok, with supplies procured, it is time to head out on the hunt. I say hunt, as the trapping aspect of it is rather limited.
We need to ascertain our targets, so we can tailor our strategy accordingly. I will use a simple target, to make things easier for the beginner.
Our target is the ever-present obese ditch pig female. We will call her “Fat Cunt” to make things easier. Fat Cunt is extremely simple to hunt and kill, but grows more cumbersome when it is time to haul her back to the truck (enter the machete and rope)
Find the Fat Cunt, usually walking to the ice cream parlor, burger place, or soda machine. Now, retrace her trail and place the McDonald’s bag in a conspicuous location in her path. Hide in the bushes and wait, with spear gun in hand. Fat Cunt takes patience, as she waddles at a rather sluggish pace, due to the excess blubber she stores for winter.
Now, when she gets about 40 feet from you, prepare the gun. As she bends down to grab the McDonald’s bag, aim the spear at her lower back and fire a shot into the mammoth whale.
Assuming the shot was true, she should slump on the ground and make a rather appealing gurgling/moaning sound. Time for the duct tape. Tape her mouth, hands, and feet up. Fat Cunt’s swollen ankles might make this difficult, but carry on.
Now, with Fat Cunt tied up, begin to smash her face and skull in with the flashlight, stopping occasionally to laugh and smoke crack. When she is near death, take the time to breathe the air in, and celebrate your catch. You could even string Fat Cunt up and take pictures to prove to your friends the size of the beast.
Time for the finishing touch. Decapitate her with the machete, and take her head as a trophy. Many taxidermists won’t mind if you bring it in to them to have the work done, as they hate obese women. Throw her head in a cooler for preservation purposes.
Using the rope, tie her headless body up and attach her to the trailer hitch on the back of the truck. Drive around doing donuts and other entertaining moves, occasionally looking back to see if it’s body has been adequately skinned.
Once the body has been skinned, you can use the fat/meat for a number of things.
- Animal Feed
- Sell it to the Chinese
- Fatballs to throw at your friends
- Food, if you aren’t picky
- Makeshift pocket pussy
- Matting for gymnastics
Load it up into the truck, and celebrate with a nice big bottle of shine or absinthe. You now might want to look into hunting a more dangerous and elusive target. This hunt was a LEVEL 1. LEVEL 2 is a bit more tricky, as the target isn’t hauling 300 pounds of blubber around.
Congratulations on the hunt.
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