how do you ask your mother...

[Dakotah]

about things that are serious and important for you to have and answer about when she isnt the type of person that takes too many things seriously.

Here is my situation... sorry if this seems a little whiny but it has recently become a issue to me.

im 23 now and havent talked to my mother in 3 years at all; but she talks to my father at least 2 times a week. the reason her and i dont talk is for several reasons
1. she was hateful and abusive while raisng me.
2. when given the option to be with us kids she chose to go with an extremly abusive man(whom at one point even ran her over with the back tires of his truck almost killing her.)over the choice of my father who loved her more than himself.
3.has 11 children total (5 are my fathers, the rest are with the other man)the last child she had was named my name.
4. wouldnt change the childs name.
5. whenever she came to town from las vegas nevada she never told anyone she was there, but managed to see her own mother and carry on like we werent there.
6. would go for almost a full year before talking to any of us kids; but would call and talk to our father. When he would ask if she wanted to talk to us she said no.
7. when i last talked to her - she knew i was dancing for a living and had the gall to ask me for moneyto get her wedding rings out of the pawn shop that arent even from my dad yet they are still married and havent been together for 13 years(been married for 22 years).




anyways it is a whole lot of negative.
Lately i have had her on my mind and im not sure why maybe it is because i have never really had any sort of postitive relationship with her and maybe its not that at all. It is something that plays in my head alot since i found out my dad has been sick and has been really talking to her alot.

The five of us kids have over the years refrained from talking to her ever since the time that she was in town and never told anyone she was there.
Well i recently wrote her a letter asking her all these "why" questions, and alot of it had tears and hurt behind the questions.

my question to all of you is did i do the right thing?
should i have thought about what to write her anyways?
should i have not even written in the first place?
was i too presumptuous thinking that i would recieve an answer back that will be honest - she likes to refrain from answering even easy questions without skimming over the top of things to make them seem better or telling you what you want to hear.
This is very frustrating to me because i always find myself wondering what it would be like to have a mother in my life that even showed me a lil of what only a mother can give you.
Im not sure if all these thoughts are coming to light lately becuase i just had my bday and hers is two weeks or so from mine or if its just because i feel i need some closure in my life in order to ove on and let go of the hurt she has caused over the years.

Can any of you ladies maybe offer me some womanly advice or words of wisdom, to maybe help alleviate whats going on in my head?

 

[Seashell]

I'm sorry to hear that Dakotah. (why is there no hug smiley?)

I don't have much advice or words of wisdom as I don't have a lot of experience with this situation, but I think there's nothing wrong with having written her a letter, it's understandable that you have a lot of questions and could use some answers. And who knows what makes you suddenly reach out now after not having spoken for years.. sometimes, that happens for a reason.. maybe she's now ready to work on the relationship between you two?

If not, it's her loss, you seem like a lovely person. Even if she doesn't reply now.. she can only pretend to herself so long.. eventually she will have to face the truth and hopefully one day will share it with you.

 

[Dakotah]

I'm sorry to hear that Dakotah. (why is there no hug smiley?)

I don't have much advice or words of wisdom as I don't have a lot of experience with this situation, but I think there's nothing wrong with having written her a letter, it's understandable that you have a lot of questions and could use some answers. And who knows what makes you suddenly reach out now after not having spoken for years.. sometimes, that happens for a reason.. maybe she's now ready to work on the relationship between you two?

If not, it's her loss, you seem like a lovely person. Even if she doesn't reply now.. she can only pretend to herself so long.. eventually she will have to face the truth and hopefully one day will share it with you.

thank you seashell

it seems like the more that i tryed to forget the harder it became to forget -i know i know that is impossible considering she is my mom but still; she goes on everyday without a second glance in our direction; she has other kids to occupy her mind so it is obviously easier to forget bt boy oh boy when those kids are grown and she is left with the jerk she will be so lonely. in a way i am glad for that because then she will feel what us kids felt.

I know that what i feel right now is lots of confusion hurt and a hell of a lot of anger towards this woman.
It is funny how similiar we are and yet we have so many more differences.
my dad always seems to tell me that she wants to talk to us and wants to have a relationship with us that means something but yet she never takes the first step she just asks for our phone number and then never calls; she recently asked for my number again for the millionth time and i finally just told my dad he is not allowed to give it to her anymore because she never calls and if she does it is just to say how naughty her kids are being and how bad she has it there with the jerk and she cant escape if she even wanted to because of the kids.

The most pathetic thing is that she lives with her boyfriend, his mom, and 7 kids the youngest is like 1 or 2 , and the moms boyfriend- none except the mom has a job.
so all of them live off the mom, talk about a bunch of losers and the kids have no choice because they are young.

i am so confused as to how i am supposed to feel.

 

[Carmen]

Dakotah, i'm sorry you have to deal with that.
i had a father whom i didn't know till i was 13. he searched for me and found me, then spent every visit we were together smoking pot and chasing women my own age, setting me up with his friends, and using me to smuggle pot across the country.
he didn't work a regular job and always had more than one woman, sometimes using me as his cover. when he divorced his third wife, got out of prison, and was trying to get custody of his twins, i got sick of it all and tried talking to him about straightening up. i wanted a father, not this playmate whom all my friends thought was so hot. I wanted him to know how old his grandchildren were and to remember my birthday and to stop thinking i'm 10 years younger than i really am (when i turned 36 i told him it was my birthday and he asked when do i turn 30).
i knew i was the adult and i'd have to treat him that way. i wrote him an email and said i wanted us to have a relationship and i wanted him to be involved in my life.
he replied that i should blame my mother for taking me away from him.
i said i'm not blaming anyone, i just want a relationship and i want him to know my kids. he replied that he has a lot of stuff going on and he blah blah blah. the world revolved around him. he finished the email by telling me not to write him till *I* grow up.
I've been married for almost 15 years, have worked 2 jobs through most of it, and have two kids. *I* have never been in jail, never had to leave the country, never had a drug habit. so i didn't write him again. i gave up. 3 months later i got a call that he died.

my point is... you're gonna have to be the adult. we can't choose our parents. they have problems and often don't deserve us, but they're the only ones we have and you may have to bite the bullet and be more mature, more patient, and more forgiving.
in the long run, you won't regret any of it.
good luck.

 

[Raina]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through all of that. I don't think you did anything wrong or want to much by wishing she'd just be a mother. I think that you did what you felt you needed to do-- and that's the right thing.

At least you spoke your mind, wrote it out, and now she knows how you felt. The ball is in her court. It's 100% understandable that you'd want a response. The questions you have are painful and answers could possibly make you feel more healed. If anything, I think that wanting a response from her and expecting one shows that you still want to believe in her and think she could end up being a good mom. *hugs*

 

[Puddles]

My mother was pretty evil when I was younger and when I was in my early 30's I went to counselling over it because it was affecting other areas of my life including my marriage. My counsellor had me write a letter to my mother that was not to be given to her but just so my counsellor could read it. After our session I sat on that letter for a few weeks, then I called my mother and told her I was going to read her a letter and she was not to speak at all while I talked and that when I was done I was going to hang up. I did just that. I cried after I hung up but it was for the best. Now we get along much better and she knows I remember what she did to me, even though she claims that she doesn't remember. We do not speak of the past. We live for today and hopefully the future. I also realize that she is mentally ill and she doesn't know it. So, in a way I've forgiven her although at times it still hurts to think of how she treated me. But, my life has turned out fine and I'm a good loving mother myself, so this is what I like to think of instead of my own childhood. We can not change the past but we can mold the future for ourselves and our own children. I think you did the right thing in sending her that letter. You got some things off your chest that needed to be said and she knows how you feel. I will say that I don't think just because someone is your parent that you have to love or respect them. It's fine to hate your parent. My mother is living with me now because of hurricane Charlie but it's temporary and it's just the right thing for me to do. I was worried about her before we got to her, but I honestly wouldn't have been very upset if I found her dead. I lost my father a little over a year ago and at that time I realized I lost the only parent I truly love. I care about my mother because she is a human being but I do not care for her as a child should care about their mother. I don't feel guilty about it, it's just how it is. Not everyone gets along.

 

[jenscats5]

I agree with both Raina & Puddles -- you are not obligated to love or respect your parents. You let her know how you feel, the ball is in her court. It's up to her. And it's OK to hate your mother & be angry with her....you are allowed to be angry.....

Not everyone is a good parent, but they are parents anyway for some reason..

I hope it works out the way you want it to.......

 

[Pamela]

Yes we need a *hug smiley*

My experience with my Dad was like this sort of!

To make a long story short. He was an alcoholic, and use to drink and run around on my Mom and start fights, etc. especially on Holidays. I was very young and he would take my brothers and drop them off to go and play at the boys club. But I was with him, he would be drinking and take me over to some women's house and leave me in the car, while he went in their house. And after he came out, he would tell me not to tell my Mom, cause she would be mad at me and him both. I was too young to know the real truth. Anyway I grew up with a lot of problems. that I took into my adulthood. I moved far away from him and my Mom. But when I returned I thought maybe we could have some sort of a relationship.
I wrote him a letter also. Thinking he may realize what he had done.
Well he just turned it around again, acting like he didn't do anything wrong.
It was me that had a problem.

I guess what I got from this and what I'm trying to say is:

"They want realize or admit to doing anything wrong until their ready!"
They are the one's that have the problem; not you.

Be strong for yourself!
Get healthy and take care of YOU!!!

Things will get better for you if you take charge of YOU!!!
Maybe your Mom will wise up; but she may not!

I'm sorry for your pain.

Hugs to you Pamela


I hope this helps.

 

[Dakotah]

Im very thankful for everyones advice and support in this matter.
I do know that i am not the only person in the world to feel like this it just happens to be the thing that is on my mind alot lately.
I do have tto say that im really nervous to get a letter back; i know she likes to pretend like she doesnt remember the key moments that i remember.


Reading all of your posts really helps me to see that im not alone and that you all have an understanding about this.
I am very greatful to have such honest and helpfully postitve friends like all of you. Thanks again and i promise to keep you all posted as to what comes of this matter.

hugs to all of you

Dakotah

 

[Carmen]

Keep us updated dakotah.
after my dad died, people that knew us kept saying "its a shame you two couldn't get along"
i can honestly say that i tried though, and although i'll never get over the fact that whatever was wrong with him, his narcissism, his denial, his love of the dramatic and lack of responsibility... i made an effort.
good luck gf.
If it doesn't work, you can know that you're more mature and nomatter how messed up of a mom she was, you turned out ok.
xox