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FISHTALES
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If you're over the age of 21 this will crack
you up... When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs
to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there
was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've
reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids
today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we
didn't have the Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually
write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the
way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or
we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy
you a copy of Hustler! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit
like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they
got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was - it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick
it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony
Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari
2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics
sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and
faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater
there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height!
A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable
television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no
onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday morning... ..D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You
Guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
you up... When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs
to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average
despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there
was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've
reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids
today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we
didn't have the Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually
write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the
way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a
week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or
we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy
you a copy of Hustler! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit
like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they
got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was - it could be your boss, your mom, a
collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick
it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony
Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari
2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics
sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and
faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater
there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height!
A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable
television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no
onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons
on Saturday morning... ..D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL
WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You
Guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
