For the 30 something crowd with kids!

[The Ranger]

Kids

Stretch came by complaining about kids these days. I shudder to think he may procreate in the near future...<evil snicker>. Though, by the Grace of God, I do share some of his off color sentiments, I cannot share them all. (Due in large part to organizations such as Child Enforcement and Endangerment).

I do, however, share his thoughts that going from Childhood to Adulthood is a rite of passage, and one which should be filled with scars, scabs, and stitches for the most part. But alas, I fear our children today have a rather easy life filled with internet, video games, and cyber-friends. Ever been in a cyber-fight? Trust me when I say this. It doesn’t hurt at all, unless of course you break a nail. And please, any child that responds they have that horrible affliction known as “Carpal-Tunnel Syndrom”. Sorry, you’re shit out of luck, that’s a no go children. Injuries obtained from computers, unless tossed off large buildings are, and should faithfully remain... Null and Void, Henceforth. I think they're too many kids in the world right now......You have to earn the right from childhood to adulthood.

How dare he say??? Just mention the word “weights” to one of our youths, the answer....Generally I get, “185lbs. But Mom has me on a diet, she cut me back to six Twinkies a day!”

Let us begin the education, shall we.

PLAYGROUNDS

Pure and simple....Good Ole Fashioned 70's style PLAYGROUNDS.

Not these fairy tale wonderlands we have today. Where there's powdery, soft sand, or scented wood chips. No wonderful devices depicting fuzzy animals or mermaids...No sir!

No Baby-Doll....

I'm talking asphalt....Yes sir, hard as fuck, skin your goddamn knees, bust your head, break your fucking bones, hot as holy hell...ASPHALT.

That's why when you young'uns see us 30 and over crowd talking about scars and broken bones, and walking with limps....We earned every damn one.

Just to educate the lost souls with little or no knowledge of our ritual passage from one extreme to the next, let’s go over a few golden oldies to share with the new, upcoming generation.

Teeter-Totter
Let us not forget the Teeter-Totter shall we....Invented by some German Back-Quack....Or often referred to as the fat-fuckers revenge. Though I have seen, many, many times, it used as a means to launch the class midget into space....heh heh heh. I personally know of one lost child who still circles the earth every 24 hours, along with the Space Shuttle I might add...<wink>.

Monkey Bars

Monkey Bars!!!!!....Sit down young'uns....Monkey bars back in the day were 12 stories tall....And some fucking clown decided to shape it like a rocket for shits and giggles...May that bastard rot in hell!!!....Some genius of a 12th grader always got a kick out of smearing the top bar with Vaseline....I hope you die too....Today’s bars are wonderfully soft, and should you fall, fear not, your drop will result in a feather soft landing, and all caught on tape for the relatives to make the “Ah how cute” comments. Back in the day, if you fell from our bars, you dropped into a vat of liquid fire and never escaped unscathed. Your biggest fear was “Mom” and the fact there was no way to hide the recent rip in your new school clothes...(More often than not, Sears Tough skins)....Why did they call them that? Your knees became a solid callus after a week of rubbing them raw from the reinforced knee guards, sewn into the pant leg for extra comfort I’m sure!

Slides

Slides....Yeah Right Babe....Pull my finger and I'll whistle jingle bells for you!....Slides today....attached to one side of the swing I might add.....2 FEET TALL.....2 FEET mind you....Back in the day....We called that a ramp!!!......Us old broken bastards remember that gem! We fucking invented vert....difference is....they got rich, we got broken bones showing them how to do it....heh heh heh

OUR SLIDES....Our Slides were 6 stories tall....Solid, shiny, hot, mid-July, leave burn scars... METAL....Not slanted....true vertical....Ladies remember this polyester, short pants, summertime, wonder....heh heh heh.To this day, should I hear that God awful sound of screeching flesh accompanied by screams, I still inwardly shudder at the memories. I have known several young ladies to leave flesh and skid marks 30 feet long. No need to call paramedics. You knew what Mom and Dad would say...”Makes you tough!”

Lawn Darts

Hey....How about Lawn Darts.....Heh heh heh....Remember this classic piece....Take sharpened dart, attach aero-dynamic wings, walk backwards 20 feet....then toss in the direction of your asshole cousin Bobby's feet....I think there were a few other parts....something about a plastic rings....well, anyway it ended up in an asswhupping and another scar...Not to mention a whole assortment of punishments handed down by Nazi parents to include yard work, splitting wood, cleaning garages, taking out garbage, and a lecture that would rival Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address!

Bikes, Ramps, and Skateboards

Bikes, ramps, skateboards, even shit that hasn't been invented yet....we did that to dammit....Cause we got SCARS...We did that shit, barefooted, no shin guards, elbow pads, knee pads, helmet....No Sir...We did it flat out....And stayed scabby for it throughout the summer months....The first week of the new school year was a rehash of the scars, broken bones along with stories of awe and excitement which had more action than the Matrix Re-Loaded!

Sleds

The wonderful joys of winter time and being in a full body cast during Christmas because you uttered the final words, “ You think that’s something, well, watch this shit!” And thus, with those words out, the end result was pain, astonishment, and followed by, “Someone help me up, find my leg, and PLEASE don’t tell Mom!” Every Ski Resort across this vast land of ours was first used as sled runs by US! Never lose sight of that fact. Where the hell do you think the Olympics came up with Bobsledding. How do you think the Winter X-Games came to be?. Just remember, the next time you watch “Jackass” on MTV, we did it first, we had no video camera’s, but do not concern yourselves, we lived through it, and inspired others to forget not, our unsung accomplishments!

So go back to your play station(We called it PONG...did that shit to)....Then watch Survivor and mutter how you could do that shit...Yes....We invented Survivor too...But, back in the day....We called it a backyard camp out....Heh heh heh! Bring back dodge ball with those hard as fuck red, rubber balls, I want to see tackle football in the yard. Just one more game of “Smear the Queer”. Just one more time, I’d like to see a homemade fort, nudie pics on the wall and summer nights of tag in the dark...Why the hell not! Chances are, had we the benefit of Digital Cameras, and video devices, we would all be famous, or on a few T.V. shows. (Real T.V. and What were you Thinking spring to mind right off!)

See...The shit you watch and wish you could do...been there...done that, and now we're adults....And we earned the right to call ourselves so!

Ranger and Stretch

 

[Sassy69]

Thx for the reminder of the good ol' days mon ami. I have a 2 yr old nephew -- the kid has a kid-sized Dodge Ram & a Range Rover. Shit, I didn't even get my used Celica until I was 23.

 

[Nonerz]

Best fucking post ever Ranger! I'm not 30...yet and I don't have kids...yet, but I hear you loud and clear! I remember torturing...um, I mean, playing with the neighbor girl across the street. She wanted to twirl her stupid baton around and I wanted to hit her with it. What? It was all in good fun!

Anyhow, thanks for stirring up those great childhood memories...heck I even took a look at the asphalt that is permanently burrowed in my forearm (took a nice fall off my bike...trying to chase after a limo my sister and I spotted in the neighborhood). Ah, the spoils of being an unruly child!

Oh yeah, don't forget about the sibling rivalry fights...I had my share of fist fights, throwing shit at my sister and getting into a stalemate hair pulling war. That was "normal" then...now that is "abusive." Whatever! I don't have too many problems taking care of myself, so I carry on.

 

[2Shy]

You forgot swings! Not these diddly plastic things they have nowadays, but hot metal with chains that were 20 feet tall. Every kid worth her salt had to swing so high that the chains looped over the cross bar then launch herself from the seat as it swung back around. Scars and broken bones guaranteed.

Who here remembers the "Water Whiz" or whatever that yarn-haired, plastic-headed spawn of satan toy produced by Wham-O? Yeah, Wham-O lived up to its name. Just screw this hard plastic bucket on the end of your hose, turn water on full blast and listen to the neighborhood kids shriek as jet-propelled H2O drills holes into their soft flesh while a kevlar shovel pummels them about the head and body.

 

[The Ranger]

Hahahahahahahahaha....Outstanding 2Shy....What was the name of that long sheet of plastic that had water on it...You got a good running start and did a full belly slide with half gainer...Only to realize the end comes very quickly and eventually you're launched into the chain link fence...Why??

Because Mom and Dad put it that way so you wouldn't bother the neighbors yard.....

heh heh heh

Ranger

 

[The Ranger]

Umbrellas and Rooftops

I don’t think, at this point in time we need to investigate this wonderful deployment of sheer genius! Though to give our young folks a vivid picture. I seem to recall a tall kid who once attempted this death defying feat. He ended up with one leg and foot normal size, while the other looked something compared to a baby’s arm holding an apple, and tiny-like midget toes stuck out of the end. He finally had to buy shoes and mounted a contraption resembling a Goodyear tied glued to the bottom...And I shit you not, he still ran a 4.4 second 40 yard dash, all state halfback his sophomore year, though had to quit the team due to further injuries incurred with a Home Chemistry Kit.


And how could we forget these wonderful items that brought endless hours of sheer joy and excitement...

BB Guns
Firecrackers
Frogs
Crawdads(Crayfish to the young'uns)
Wrist rockets
8 track tape players
Those big, hard as fuck, red rubber balls we used for dodge ball, not the ones they use today, a stiff wind and they land somewhere in southeast Asia.
Kickball
Tetherball(sp)
and for the ladies....heh heh heh...and dirty ole men as well...Sun dresses and slides...swings were cool with these as well....heh heh heh

Ranger

 

[2Shy]

Slip & Slide, Ranger!

You forgot one: Clackers! Those were two huge weighted balls (we call them kettleballs nowadays) attached to the end of ropes. The idea was that with enough wrist action little girls could make the balls hit each other (clack) above and below the arm. Many bruises and broken arms/concussions followed.

Of course, they were great as weapons of mass destruction during playground battles. Once the girl discovered boys, the clackers could also be used as a bolo to bring down her intended vict--erm--boyfriend.

Blame Mary Poppins for the umbrella craze.

We played dodge ball with medicine balls. Didn't you?

M80s and trash cans. Need I say more?

8 tracks! I was at Best Buy the other day and they had 8 TRACK TAPE PLAYERS and tapes for sale! This retro craze has gone too far.

Does anyone remember when boys couldn't wear jeans to school and girls had to wear skirts or dresses? Or am I that much older than everyone else?

Ranger, I bet you were that little boy who sat next to me and kept dropping his pencil so he could see up my dress ....

 

[The Ranger]

I have been found out...<sigh>

Ranger

 

[hellboy]

M80's and coffee cans. We'd put one under the can and run like hell. If it didn't go off we'd play rock paper scissors to see who had to go back and look under then can. And when they did go off they rarely went UP.

 

[jenscats5]

Ahhhh, slides........burning hot in the middle of the summer. Man those things were hot!!

I STILL have my Flexible Flyer!! This is funny....a couple of years ago we had some snow & up the street is a park with a pretty good hill. I got out a candle & waxed up the runners of Flex & carried it up the street. The kids were using trash bags & trash can lids. I'm the only adult! I blew the kids away! They were all saying "Man that is Phat!" hehehehe

As a kid, my parents house was on a slight hill. The sidewalk sloped downhill. I used to build a little sloping hill right on the corner & at night, pour water on the sidewalk so by the next day it would freeze. Sorry to those trying to walk on it! I then took a skim board (very thin like a boogie board) & "rode" it down the sidewalk & whoomp! up the ramp into the air & across the street!!

Ahhhhhhhhh memories!!