My training partner Stretch Swanson began lifting weights in the 5th grade. It was there, at the local YMCA we met, and over the years have squandered millions on every supplement, new and old to win the Mr. O.
Now, about Stretch. He's a decent sorta fellow at heart....well in a way I guess. He got his name in high school while pulling a 500 pound deadlift and his shoulder popped out of socket. He never got it fixed so one arm is longer than the other. Stretch compensates for this by leaning to the good arm side of his body, but, he leans his head the opposite way. So you never actually know if Stretch is coming or going.
He and I share the same passion for lifting, and whether we win this years Mr. O or not, that won't change. Through this passion we have had ups and downs, and found ourselves thrown out of more than a few gyms. Mostly due to our homemade protein bars that tend to stop up toilets for 3 to 5 days. I'm now a plumber and getting rich, not off the protein bars, but their fringe benefits...<wink>!
Stretch dropped off plans today to help rid our gym of the people who won't put their weights back, hog machines, stare, and are just plain lacking in the proper gym ettique. I am begining to wonder about Stretch, but at 6'4 and 240 pounds with the demeanor of a Gorilla in heat, not to mention the IQ factor of a sponge. He still insisted I share these golden tid-bits of wisdom.
Please remember that Stretch deserves all credit for this, and any legal ramifactions that may be pending!
The Philosphy of Stretch:
The Hit and Run- Walk by any undesirible group, drop a protein bomb, count to three, then walk away. You can safely watch them cringe at your latest protein shake from a good distance.
Cluster Bombs- Grab 5 of the hard core Iron Brothers at your gym. Have them over for a Beans and Rice pre-workout meal. Add Cheerios for good measure, and finish with a protein shake and eggs. Wait 30 minutes and head to the gym with Iron Brothers in tow. Now you can drop a string of protein bombs in true hit and run fashion and watch the fun from anywhere in the gym.
The Areobic Bomb- Usually the Areobic rooms have fans to cool the Richard Simmons disciples off. Move stealthily up wind of your intended target. Be patient for the right opportunity and let it rip(protein bomb). Now move away to a good observation point. This is enormously effective against cell phone joggers. They talk, talk, talk and are unaware of whats going on until a waif of decaying Myoplex enters their nostrils, I have noticed that trying to talk, gag, and jog is impossible.
The Yeah I Did That- Next time some noodle armed squib steps in front of you so he can watch himself curl those massive 10 pound dumbbells. Drop a protein bomb and set there staring up at them. When they cringe and look down at you, look them in the eye and say, " Yeah, I did that! "
The Dead Body- Wear gym clothes that are 3 workouts past being unbearable on bench day. When the benchbunch is there offer to spot one of them. Now, ensure you give this lucky fellow a lift off, bend down so your crotch is inches from his head. Remain in that position offering encouragement, and ensuring proper form is utilized. The bench should be clear within 2 sets.
Leg Day Clearinghouse- On leg press day, take an old pair of under wear(clean or dirty), take a brown magic marker and make a series of fake skid marks in the crotch. Next, take a pair of shorts that are way to small for you and put them on over the underwear. When Angie Dimpleknees is on the leg press grunting out her 10 pound iron pies, just simply ask if you can warm up. One set for her to see the skid marks hanging out your ass will ensure the leg press machine is all yours. Also effective on leg curls.
The Ventriliquist- When Steve Stickfigure is hogging the dumbells and being a general nusiance. Sit beside him on a flat bench and while he is curling those monster dumbbells, make a string of grunting noises on the positive movement. Everyone in the gym will be watching him while you sit back and laugh.
Dumbbell Magic- On dumbbell day of any body part, and you don't want to be bothered. Get to the gym early, and before cardio hide all the 30, 35, and 40 pound dumbbells and head to the cardio room. Once you come out, it will be like magic. The front desk will be full of members wondering where the dumbbells are. This will cause Little Cousin Bobby to foam at the mouth, and twitch uncontrollably.
The Chernobyl- *CAUTION* *CAUTION* This little tid bit should be used only on extreme cases. Damage control could total well into the 50 member mark. When you are in a cutting phase, and it's an absoulte must that you have the cardio room, use this method. Now, about 2 hours before gym time, have a HUGE bowl of turkey chili with red beans. Stretch's recipe book is forthcoming folks. Wash chili down with large protein shake. Let the contents settle for ten minutes then add 6 hard boiled eggs, and a bowl of Special K for fiber control(if you're one of those). Wait fifteen minutes and jump up and down for three minutes. Now this is where complete body and mind control comes into play. Every time you feel the protein bomb starting, pinch it off, I like to refer to this as the " Recycle Method ". Doing this over and over increases the volumne each time. This must be done at least ten times for maximum effect and range. Head to gym with butt checks squeezed tightly shut, veins popping out on forehead, and tears flowing from eyes. Head straight to the cardio room and deliver. You will notice this one effective bomb can last five to thirty seconds. I like to refer to this as " Hang Time ". My personal best is thirty-eight seconds, start to finish. It cleared out Bally's in just under four minutes. Make note of the many different faces as they trample each other exiting the door. Also great for parties!!!
The Ebola- Very simple, very quick, and very effective. Consume one can of saurkraut, two protein bars, and a mixture of egg whites and red beans. Learn to relax your sphincter muscles for quite distrubition of this bomb. Stretch has gotten so effective at this, he can actually drop them quitely while walking. Once you drop this silent disease, walk away and watch the fun. The sheer density of this bomb will slowly spread like a virus. The aroma alone can linger for up to three hours.
The Red-Neck- Just before you walk into the gym. Take a pack of Oreo cookies, crush them up into fine pieces. Now, take that mixture and rub them throughly all over your teeth. Walk in, smile alot, and enjoy the workout. You will notice the stares as squibs move out of your way, and leave you to a nice peaceful workout. Once completed, hit locker room, brush, then leave. Also alot of fun for anal retentive Dentist when it's time for that yearly cleaning and checkup.
THE UPPER DECK- effective against douchebag gym owners and their Little Cousin Bobby who works behind the desk - only works on toilets with a water tank on top. Close stall door - take of water tank lid - drop you're stinky bomb in the tank - put the lid back on. By the time they realize where the smell is coming from - they have a water tank full of stew on their hands.
THE STINK PLATE - Also effective against douchebag gym owners -in your home - pack a paper plate and saran wrap in your gym back. Go to the gym. In the locker room, hit a stall and crap on the plate. Cover it with saran wrap. No make sure no one sees you, put the plate in a locker and lock it. Flush the key down the toilet. stink plate in da house.
THE YOU THINK ITS THERE STINK BOMB - When you see squidly coming towards the water fountain, beat him there, take your drink, squeeze out a nice protein bomb, then run away. Squidly then steps up to the fountain, and the people in line behind him thinks it's his stink!
Ranger
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, she must shit as much as a few hundred circus animals.
