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Extremely Difficult Family Situation - What would you do?

P

Paulos

New member
As some of you know I have had ongoing problems with my mom, she suffers from "Severe Depression" and has absolutely no Ambition to do anything. I've posted before that I have tried to do everything possible to connect with her, cheer her up, and get her back to her old self.

I just had a huge fight with her over simply asking if she looked for a job today, I always ask in a very polite manner and it always leads to confrontation. She told me that she was busy calling the washer repair man so she didn't have time, that would be reasonable if I hadn't left for school about 8 hours earlier. I do not think calling the washer repair man took 8 hours. This same scene happens at least 2-3 times a week.

Everytime I ask her if she has done anything she always tosses up some bullshit excuse as to why she got nothing accomplished today. She tells me I do not care about her and that all I care about is her paycheck. She constantly hints to me that I am a burden to her, yet the last few months I worked I gave her 90% of my money. She belittles me and would mock my job, even when it was paying for her food. She will say things like "You think you are so fucking smart, you want to be a doctor." (Sarcastically).

She says that I am ungrateful and that I only care about how easy my life is. My life is not by any means easy, but it could be worse. I do not complain. She tells me that I do not understand how she feels, or I simply do not care. I ask her to try to explain her point of view to me so that I can understand where she is coming from, but I still do not.


All I want from her is to pull herself together, I am not asking for anything extravagant. I want to not have to worry about how I am going to clear rent or come up with money for food. I simply want her to make an honest effort to do something about our situation. If she were making an honest effort and still could not find a job I would be content knowing that she is at least trying, but she is not. She tells me she cares about me and I am the only thing that has ever mattered, yet her actions are the complete opposite. It hurts me more than anything to watch what she is doing to herself, lying in bed all day, wasting her life away. I do not see how she can care about me if she does not care about herself or anything pertaining to making our lives better.

Our last apartment we were kicked out of because she fell behind in rent after being layed off and not getting a job after around 4 months, We stayed with a friend for around 6 weeks. We have only been in our apartment 6 weeks and rent is due on the 5th, about two weeks from now, and I do not possibly see a way for us to pay it.


Now this leads me to my question, I am applying for a student loan for around 2000 dollars. If it comes through, my options are this...

- I can move out and get a room near my school for around 500 dollars a month. If I am working two jobs in around six months time I should have a reliable car and can move in with a friend and his step sister when they get an apartment. The problem with this is that my mom is a very grudgeful person and I am afraid it would destroy what little of a relationship we have left If I leave. I am also worried that she would commit suicide, as she has mentioned it before, although she has promised me she would not do it. I cannot rely on her word anymore however since she never does what she says. On the other hand me leaving could make her realize what she has been doing and give her the necessary push to get her life back in order, but honestly I do not see that happening.

I do not want to do this as I feel like I am abandoning her and I do not want her to hate me. Reguardless of what she thinks I love her deeply and she is the only family I have ever known. On the other hand I have my future to look out for and it is not fair that she places this kind of burden on me and is doing nothing to help. My grades took a hit last semester and I am having to play catch up in my classes this semester because I could not afford books for the first month of school.

I want to go to medical school. The stress of my situation along with going to school full time, and about to be working again full time is going to make for a very hard time pulling the kind of grades I will need to get into a good four year university.

- My second option is to stay here and use my student loan to cover the rent and bills for the next couple months. There are a couple of problems with this. First of all if she does not get her act together I will be in a worse situation I am now. Her unemployment will run out in the next couple months and I will be left to pay for absolutely everything, which I cannot possibly do unless I drop out of school and work like 60 hours a week.

Secondly I am worried that by paying the bills I am being an enabler to her problem, It would allow her to continue her ways for at least three months, and what would have been the point if nothing had changed in that time?

I would be fucked with nothing left but wages from work along with the responsibility of trying to save all of our possessions once more if we were to get evicted.



I do not know what to do - I'm just wondering what route you guys would take if you were in my shoes.

Any advice from anyone who has dealt with this sort of thing before would be appreciated. Although do not bother with the "She just needs to get motivated" stuff. I have tried every angle imaginable and nothing has worked.
 
It's not your fault. She needs medication and therapy. Move out. Call Social Services for your Mom. There are also non profit services that will help Adults with metal disabilites like severe depression. Be supportive towards her but no matter what don't move back. You have to end your co-dependance on her. No matter what she says or what happens stay away from that environment. It will fuck you up big time to stay! I would also see a counselor or therapist to help you deal with it. There all kinds of free services you can use.
 
I would leave. Is what I did with my ex. She was similiar and finally I just up and left.
 
I can't tell you what to do. No one can. (And I do realize that you aren't asking that.)

BUT, what I can tell you is that a parent brings a child into this world OWING THEM EVERYTHING... The child conversely owes that parent NOTHING.

Honestly, I believe that it would be a serious mistake for you to take loan money and pay for rent, etc. This would only make BOTH of your situations worse and delay the inevitable.

I feel very badly for both you and your mother, but she needs to get her shit together FOR HER and no one else. I don't doubt she loves you. She must be in a very bad place emotionally for her to conduct herself this way. But you can't "fix" her anymore than she could "fix" you if the situation was reversed.

I know this is going to sound very cold-hearted, but I think it would be best if you did what was best FOR YOU. I think you already know what that is and it isn't necessarily what is best FOR HER.

She needs to get some professional help to deal with the depression. It is not right for an able-bodied woman to just lie in bed all day and put looking for a job off until tomorrow. You are a grown man and have been taking care of you both and THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to you both. I don't know much about clinical depression but it does sound like she needs to get to a doctor and get medication so that she can function again. YOU CAN'T DO THIS FOR HER.

Perhaps if you leave she will have no way to further delay facing the fact that she is not only throwing her own life away, but that she is robbing YOU of a life as well.

A parent is supposed to raise a child to be independent so that someday they can be at peace with the knowledge that that child is no longer with them and doing well in life. We all need help sometimes, but if that help does not come, we NEED to make due.

I know you love her. She is your mother. But YOU are entitled to have a life too. I know this will be easier said than done, but there are many times when we have to make decisions in life that we are afraid that we may be judged for. However, YOU are the only one in your shoes. You will make the best possible decisions FOR YOU. Don't give a flying shit what others have to say. Don't second guess. Don't feel guilty. And DON'T beat yourself up.

You sound like a kind and decent man....
 
Your entire post is written as though you are attempting to justify a decision you have already made.

You want to leave. You want to fend for yourself because she is nothing but a burden. However, the guilt of abandoning the woman who raised you is blocking you.

Has she been medicated? Is she currently medicated? If depression is blocking her from having a semblance of a life, it is a viable option.
 
I'm no Psycologist Bud(Shit I can even spell it),but it sounds if she depends on you and resents it.Not so much you,but the situation.
Almost a co-dependency deal.

She may need therapy and or mood stabilizing medication,Tough with no bucks.

When you ask about her getting a job,it may be backing her into a corner and that I think is the "lash out".Maybe approch it from another angle."Mom,I'm worried about you...."
I don't know Bud,tell her you love her.Sometimes that does the trick.

The other coin is,and it's the fucked up side,alot of people don't want to help themselves and whatever you do for them is not enough.In that case I'd suggest doing what you can,whatever you can but do what you have to do for your future.

I lost alot of years taking care of my parents and a fucked up girlfriend,My mom I don't regret but the GF was a total WOFT.

I supported my parents and their home from the time I got out of the service (24) till when I was 30,(I was ready to split 2 months after I got home) to the point of ruining my credit for many years.I can't stand my dad,but my mom I love dearly and has appreicated everything I've done.

Hope it helps,Mad
 
She does need medication, but neither of us have Medical and I just lost my job so money is beyond tight right now.

I am not scared for myself to leave her, I know I can take care of myself, that is the way she raised me, but I would not be able to live with myself if I left and she did something terrible like kill herself.

Thanks Dcup I will try and find that non profit service, do you have any specific names of organizations by chance?


Anythingbutsane I honestly would rather stay here with her to make sure she gets her shit back together rather than leave. You are correct though, this woman is the only family I've ever had and the only love I've ever known, and leaving her in the situation she is in, reguardless of it's consequences to me seems heartless.

If I were to leave I want to know that I tried absolutely everything I could to help her - And I currently do not feel like I have, which is why I made this post.


Bikinimom - I'm only 19, I don't feel like much of a "Man", let alone a kind and decent one. Thank you for your words though.
 
You do what you can for her and then it's up to her to do the rest. All you can do is try your best. Sometimes, especially with people who aren't motivated, some "tough love", as in you leaving and forcing her to do it on her own, is what will snap a person back into reality. Good luck, Paulos...it's not gonna be easy no matter what you do.
 
just do what your heart tells you to do. it sounds like you really want to help so do it no matter what it takes. i think in the end you will be happier with that decision.
 
I understand about lack of health insurance better than you know as I am about to lose mine. My girls will have thiers so that is all that matters...

You are in a very difficult situation, no doubt and I don't know how to advise you. Someone your age shouldn't have to deal with issues that are this serious, but I'll tell you something that my OB told me back in the day. He said that life (or whatever diety you want to insert here) only gives you what you can handle.... If you couldn't handle this, it wouldn't be on your plate and that is something that you can take to the bank.

I'm a grown woman and my children are still very young, but every day they teach me something new. Seems like it more often than the other way around. I am beginning to realize that this is a "burden" of parenting. It can be very difficult to accept that no matter what you do as a parent, your child will forgive you before you ever utter the words, "I'm sorry" whereas most parents will turn their own children into the street as soon as they feel that child has "disappointed" them...

I know you feel duti-bound to your mother. Your a wonderful son, BUT - it is not the natural order of things for a CHILD (not that you are a child, because you aren't) to care for their parent.

Try to get her the help she needs through the organizations mentioned. I know it will be a pain in the ass and you'll probably have to be on some sort of list or something, but it is worth a shot.

Just think about this - if YOU do not try to further YOUR LIFE, how can you possibly be benefitting the life of YOUR MOTHER?! No matter what she says when she is in pain, deep down I have the feeling that she wants for you to succeed and be happy.

Yes, your mother brought you here and cared for you, but you didn't ask to be born. Someday, if you ever have children - it will be your responsibility to do the same for your children. It isn't your responsibility to sacrifice your life for the life of your mother...

I'm am sorry. I wish there was something that I could say that would give you the answer. I honestly do.
 
Paulos said:
No wiser words have ever been uttered by a man who dressed his penis up as a Barbie doll.
Click to expand...

lol, i guess its hard to take me too serious uh?

really though you sound like an ok guy with a sense of whats right so good luck with your moms.
 
Puddles;Ya gotta watch tough love with depressives,could be bad.I lived with a girl that had manic depression and was bi-polar,I swated knives out of her hands many a night.

Check out Social security disability,my ex got on it after jumping through all the hoops and they prorated it from the point in time she couldn't work, she got a nice check(Stupid bitch bought like 100 pairs of shoes,half of which didn't fit), and the monthly check helped alot.

Mad
 
Is this a midlife crisis, by any chance? When did she start showing symptoms of giving up on life? Did it start directly when she was laid off or was it before then?

I don't have good advice, sadly you are backed into a corner with a difficult problem where no matter what you do anger, desperation & pain will result.

Can she move in with family for a while? does she have sisters or cousins or parents or anyone? She probably can't survive on her own for a while.

As far as anti-depressants, perhaps you can join a precription discount plan, and buy generic ones. You also might qualify for some kind of social support services discount.
 
you got a good heart bro, but your Momis like a drug addict: all of your incentives to change her wil amount to nothing until she wants to do it for herself.

The best things you can do

1. Concentrate on yourself 100%. You are 19 years old and have a future to build. Your Mom was 19 andmade her choices. Good or bad, she has already lived those years. Yours are upon you now and your decisions toady will affect your tomorrow more than you'd ever know.

DO NOT give up your future to get someone back to their past. It does not matter if it is your Mom, no one is more important than you. Yours is the only life you have.


2. be an example to her. Fly as highas you can on your own. She will either accept your exampleor reject it.

right now, what she is doing is acting in such a manner so as to keep you down (implicity and subconsciously), because she can relate to you this way. This is classic.


If you go forth and live according to your own goals and her needs, you will force a behavior change on her part. that doesn;t mean she'll get over her problems - in fact, they may get worse, but as per ppoint 1 above, this is your life.

It isnlt going to be easy,but you can soend the next 20 years trying to help someone who doesn;t want it, or you can spend them building your life
 
It was when she was laid off, a bit after actually Nord.

No she can't move in with family, the only good family we had died a long time ago, the rest are fuckheads.

Thanks for the resources Dcup, I will contact them ASAP.

To the rest of you thanks for the advice, I feel better now, half of which comes from just being able to vent I suppose.
 
Hey if she really needs medical help take her to the ER. Explain to them she has no medical coverage...Most hospitals have a charity care plan for people with little or no money and no insurance.

I know people who have went to the ER for depression and they were able to help them. If nothing else works i suggest you take her there.

How old are you? You may be entitled to more financial aid than you think, especially because of your financial situation. Honestly I dont think leaving your mom at a time like this is a good idea, even more so since she has nobody else. Many people go through rough times in their lives, just understand things will get better.
 
Palous, your situation is heartbreaking... and it sounds like you are really trying to find a good solution to things. Unfortunately, I have to give you reality - these types of situations DON'T get better. You are correct that you are being an enabler by staying and paying bills. It's going to be tough... but you need to pull up stakes and move out. Your mom has a tough road ahead of her. There is no way around that. The best solution is for you to forge a better life for yourself... by yourself.

I've seen many kids your age lose a lot of time trying to take care of parents who don't want to help themselves. If you stay in this situation... where is the cut off? When your mom has a job? When your mom isn't depressed anymore? When your mom gets on meds? She doesn't sound like she wants any of that.

It's time to move out... and it's a sad time to be doing it.
 
It's a good time to join the military and get a decent education as the job market sucks. It could help with the relationship with your mother too as you will be doing something to better yourself and not just leaving her. It's a great excuse. Good luck...
 
can't say much but I feel for you bro, brings back some memories.

on one hand you have to think about your own life and on the other hand I know you could never leave her in this condition.

best bet is not doing it alone, look into some proffessional help for you and her.
 
Last edited:
Good luck Paulos you are a fine young man and I can tell you love your mom very much from your writing.

Probably, mid life crisis, no job, onset of menapause, all kinds of shit hitting her at once. Hang tough.
 
God, this brought tears to my eyes!

She is using and abusing her son! NO mother, in their right mind, would do this to their child! Sorry-this is a form of emotional abuse! She's sick and NEEDS help NOW!

You need to call and get help from a local agency. YOU can NOT take care of HER by yourself. YOU WILL NOT WIN IF YOU TRY. She needs professional help! By the sounds of things, I'm certain you can get some aide for all this too.

Make calls- ask lots of questions to the mental health professionals. Until SHE gets the help for HER head...You BOTH will suffer!

Getting her some help will be the most LOVING thing you can do for her and YOURSELF!

Good luck, P.

:bawling:
 
call the local hospital, social services, your local MHMR, and see what you can do to get her some help. do you have a family doctor that you can talk to who might know some avenues you could take with her? if she is truly unstable, and you fear for her life if you leave, then you might be able to check her into a hospital for care. do you have any other family members you can speak with to try to help you get her some help?

please please please, don't give up your tuition money to pay the bills. you deserve a future. trust me on this, i grew up with a mentally ill person, and it can destroy you if you let someone else control your life and decisions.

good luck.
 
Sorry you're going through this. If you go to a church, let them know what is going on, I'm sure they can help. In the meantime, I would recommending getting out and on your own. Leave her to fend for herself, even if it means she's out on the streets.

As a matter of fact, if I were you, I would move to a different city altogether, for her sake as well as your own. She'll be alright.
 
Good luck and watch out for You first and her Second..

I feel Adult Children have an abligation to help their parents, but not to be used by them..

Admit that you need HELP with this. Step #1

After that, things will fall into place.

And after she is in a right mental state, she will be so very very sorry for what she did to you.
And IMO you must forgive her and make light of what she did to you..
 
supernav said:
Everyone needs to be careful with the advice.

I think everyone here will feel like shit, if he decides to be mr "independent" move out, his mom's bills pile up, she can't get a job, and then kills herself.-= nav =-
Click to expand...


Nav,

Believe me... I thought long and hard about that possibility before I wrote what I did... and I've walked in on enough bodies in my life that I take the reality of suicide a lot more personally than most people do.

He needs to get out. He can't stay in this situation just to keep his mom from killing herself. She's depressed and in a situation that can lead to greater dispair... that's a bad bad combination. But he is a 19 year old kid with his life ahead of him. He can't stay in a life that is going nowhere.

He needs to go to college. He needs to go into the military. He needs to go get a good job. The opperative word here is he needs to GO.

Nothing good is going to come from his staying in this situation. Some terrible things might happen if he leaves it... but that is an unfortunate part of life... and believe me - I speak first hand on this one.
 
bikinimom said:
I can't tell you what to do. No one can. (And I do realize that you aren't asking that.)

BUT, what I can tell you is that a parent brings a child into this world OWING THEM EVERYTHING... The child conversely owes that parent NOTHING.

Honestly, I believe that it would be a serious mistake for you to take loan money and pay for rent, etc. This would only make BOTH of your situations worse and delay the inevitable.

I feel very badly for both you and your mother, but she needs to get her shit together FOR HER and no one else. I don't doubt she loves you. She must be in a very bad place emotionally for her to conduct herself this way. But you can't "fix" her anymore than she could "fix" you if the situation was reversed.

I know this is going to sound very cold-hearted, but I think it would be best if you did what was best FOR YOU. I think you already know what that is and it isn't necessarily what is best FOR HER.

She needs to get some professional help to deal with the depression. It is not right for an able-bodied woman to just lie in bed all day and put looking for a job off until tomorrow. You are a grown man and have been taking care of you both and THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to you both. I don't know much about clinical depression but it does sound like she needs to get to a doctor and get medication so that she can function again. YOU CAN'T DO THIS FOR HER.

Perhaps if you leave she will have no way to further delay facing the fact that she is not only throwing her own life away, but that she is robbing YOU of a life as well.

A parent is supposed to raise a child to be independent so that someday they can be at peace with the knowledge that that child is no longer with them and doing well in life. We all need help sometimes, but if that help does not come, we NEED to make due.

I know you love her. She is your mother. But YOU are entitled to have a life too. I know this will be easier said than done, but there are many times when we have to make decisions in life that we are afraid that we may be judged for. However, YOU are the only one in your shoes. You will make the best possible decisions FOR YOU. Don't give a flying shit what others have to say. Don't second guess. Don't feel guilty. And DON'T beat yourself up.

You sound like a kind and decent man....
Click to expand...

We agree on the children BM. My daughter didn't ask to come into this world. I am directly responsible for her being here. It is my job to do all I can to help her and take care of her and try to lead her in the right direction. I try my best, but sometimes I fail. I would never give up on her.
 
I think I'd sit down with a phone book turned to the City government pages, County pages and State pages, and look thru for anything relating to Social Services, SSI, Mental Health, Family Services, Social Security,....and start calling.
Overstate your case just a bit. Tell them you're a minor and your parent is going nuts.(I'm not trying to be offensive, but you have to motivate the person your calling to take you seriously.)
Good luck. And don't spend your college money on supporting her.
 
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