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Don't try that MR BIG shit with me....
- Thread starter NoDaddyNo
- Start date
you;re a funny mofo. 
So I have to take my boss to the Miami Airport at 6AM this morning... (yeah. sucks.)
So I decide to take an early (7AM) workout at a World Gym affiliate down in the area. I don't mind early workouts and it would give me a better reason to nap about noon today since it is still raining in this fucking region. Plus, I would get to see a new gym and we know how new gym visits are fun. But the main reason is I did not care to sit in the customary 1.5 hours morning traffic to get back to Ft Lauderdale.
So I get there and (unfortunately for him) the local gym hero is there as well. You know the kind... he was strutting around like a peacock.. Imaginary Lats flared out to gadzooks and back, brown leather worn out weight belt clinched around him... even between sets... so his rotund body was divided into a sort of figure "8" shape. Bandana tied around his head and clown pants with the patented "Bat Wrap" style waist band (remember those?) they "used" to be a neon yellow color... about 20,387,142 washings ago. These pants were stretched down and tucked into the customary black stripper boots. He was wearing a dingy white tank top that read :
VE CE
B H
G M
I am like WTF? Is that some wheel of fortune special shirt? Later I found out the reason.
So being the new guy, I was under the scurnity of him and a band of his little croonies. Three others, but he was certainly the ringleader of that little group. So I am there in an XXXL sweat shirt of Team Health (cause it was raining hellaciously when I left) and just some casual jogging pants. I look almost obese because everything is just lumpy in these big clothes.
Now I don't mind attention, but they were staring a little too hard. Ok. And they wasn't gay. They possessed too many beauty defiencies to play for our team. So I decide to have a little fun with them. When I came in, I could see Captain Lard was using the incline bench... there was 225 on it. So I go over and take the incline bench directly next to his... I start pressing up the empty bar and can see in the mirror that they are pointing and whispering... then they start slapping him on the back and laughing as he starts to walk over towards me (and his bench). He sits downs and looks at me when I rack the empty bar and smiles and goes "whats up matey?" showing his shit stained coffee and tobacco teeth. That was about as appealing as looking at a can of worms.
So I respond "not much, just working out early. I hate morning workouts cuz I am so weak then. I normally work out in the evenings." So he smiles even wider.. showing about 79 teeth scattered in that mouth like a vision from Dentist Hell. And he says "well everyone is weak at one point of time or another." Then he lays back and bangs out 6 reps with 225. Ok. When he lifts the bar... his entire ass and back (not just lower back but WHOLE back) arches off the seat. The only thing in contact with anything is head on the top of the seat and his feet on the floor. The rest of his body was bent like a bow. I mean, when he brought the bar down, I couldn't tell if he was going to press it or attempt to limbo under it. I mean, it was BAD. This was not even an incline press... his plane of movement in that position was the same as on a flat bench. I am sitting there thinking "oh you fucktard you in some deep shit now with this homo......"
So I go to 135 and then 225 for my second sets. Still "struggling" to end the set at the 5th or 6th rep. He responds by going up to 275 and getting three reps. While I sit there cringing expecting his spine to snap in half at any moment. He finishes and goes to the water fountain where he his croonies are hanging out. They are secretly smiling and throwing glances over my way and then laughing when he says something. When I go from 225 to putting 315 on the bar. They react in such a way that you would think I just stuck a gun in their face. They were stone faced silent and were now glancing at El Chief-o to see what his next move was going to be. He just stood there waiting (and praying) that I wouldn't lift it. So I do four reps. Still "struggling". When I rack the bar, he comes storming over... slaps his weight up to 315 and starts walking back and forth and sucking air in great gulps. Lays back... puts his hands around the bar and start snatching back and forth grunting and making rrrraarrrrhhh rarrrhhh noises. A might heave and the weight is up. He lowers it to his chest, the weight goes down. He blows out his air.. and the weight stays down. He goes RRRRRAAHHRHHRRHRRRR and that weight is like FUCK YOU I AIN"T GOING NOWHERE. He is like now... rrrrahhrrrr much weaker cause he ain't getting air in them pancaked lungs... and he is feverishly looking around... so one of his boys runs over and tries to haul it off him. No go. Well maybe about 2 inches.. rather he didn't pick it up as much as he shifted it closer to his throat.
So 30 seconds later I hear him grunt down down down... I look over and he lowers himself to the correct position in the incline and ROLLS the bar down his chest to his waist before ducking his legs out from under it. (This explains the missing letters from his tank top... obviously he has done this before) So there is a big crash and the gym manager naturally runs over to see what has happened. Fat Ass looks at him and goes, "It's just me Jim, it's cool." The manager waves and goes back to the front desk. Which leads me to believe this is not the first time he has stuck under a weight and had to dump it.
So they standing over there (all 4 of them) unloading the plates off the bar on the floor when I add a 25 to each side of my bar.. bringing it up to 365. They have stopped staring now and are GLARING instead. I sit back and do 7 reps with it. This time not struggling at all. Normally I get 9-10 reps with 365. But I stop just short so they don't see me putting effort into the last couple of reps. I rack that weight and wipe some imaginary sweat off my forehead (although it is dry as a bone and you can see it is dry and I am obviously making a sarcastic gesture) and I go "wheewwww. That was, like, hebby" I stand up and take off my sweatshirt so I just have on my 2xist tank top and turn around. Their eyes practically jump out of there heads. I look over and say "I think this is enough for this morning. I feel so weak and I don't really want to get too big."
Then - without unloading my bar - I walk over to the water and then walk past the front desk out the door. When I am at the water fountain, I can see in the mirrors that the three of the croonies are still staring at me while Fat Ass is still with his head down and unloading his bar on the floor.
I then drive to IHOP and spend the next hour eating and reading the paper while waiting for traffic to clear.
I can only imagine Fat Ass went home and cried himself to sleep.
So I decide to take an early (7AM) workout at a World Gym affiliate down in the area. I don't mind early workouts and it would give me a better reason to nap about noon today since it is still raining in this fucking region. Plus, I would get to see a new gym and we know how new gym visits are fun. But the main reason is I did not care to sit in the customary 1.5 hours morning traffic to get back to Ft Lauderdale.
So I get there and (unfortunately for him) the local gym hero is there as well. You know the kind... he was strutting around like a peacock.. Imaginary Lats flared out to gadzooks and back, brown leather worn out weight belt clinched around him... even between sets... so his rotund body was divided into a sort of figure "8" shape. Bandana tied around his head and clown pants with the patented "Bat Wrap" style waist band (remember those?) they "used" to be a neon yellow color... about 20,387,142 washings ago. These pants were stretched down and tucked into the customary black stripper boots. He was wearing a dingy white tank top that read :
VE CE
B H
G M
I am like WTF? Is that some wheel of fortune special shirt? Later I found out the reason.
So being the new guy, I was under the scurnity of him and a band of his little croonies. Three others, but he was certainly the ringleader of that little group. So I am there in an XXXL sweat shirt of Team Health (cause it was raining hellaciously when I left) and just some casual jogging pants. I look almost obese because everything is just lumpy in these big clothes.
Now I don't mind attention, but they were staring a little too hard. Ok. And they wasn't gay. They possessed too many beauty defiencies to play for our team. So I decide to have a little fun with them. When I came in, I could see Captain Lard was using the incline bench... there was 225 on it. So I go over and take the incline bench directly next to his... I start pressing up the empty bar and can see in the mirror that they are pointing and whispering... then they start slapping him on the back and laughing as he starts to walk over towards me (and his bench). He sits downs and looks at me when I rack the empty bar and smiles and goes "whats up matey?" showing his shit stained coffee and tobacco teeth. That was about as appealing as looking at a can of worms.
So I respond "not much, just working out early. I hate morning workouts cuz I am so weak then. I normally work out in the evenings." So he smiles even wider.. showing about 79 teeth scattered in that mouth like a vision from Dentist Hell. And he says "well everyone is weak at one point of time or another." Then he lays back and bangs out 6 reps with 225. Ok. When he lifts the bar... his entire ass and back (not just lower back but WHOLE back) arches off the seat. The only thing in contact with anything is head on the top of the seat and his feet on the floor. The rest of his body was bent like a bow. I mean, when he brought the bar down, I couldn't tell if he was going to press it or attempt to limbo under it. I mean, it was BAD. This was not even an incline press... his plane of movement in that position was the same as on a flat bench. I am sitting there thinking "oh you fucktard you in some deep shit now with this homo......"
So I go to 135 and then 225 for my second sets. Still "struggling" to end the set at the 5th or 6th rep. He responds by going up to 275 and getting three reps. While I sit there cringing expecting his spine to snap in half at any moment. He finishes and goes to the water fountain where he his croonies are hanging out. They are secretly smiling and throwing glances over my way and then laughing when he says something. When I go from 225 to putting 315 on the bar. They react in such a way that you would think I just stuck a gun in their face. They were stone faced silent and were now glancing at El Chief-o to see what his next move was going to be. He just stood there waiting (and praying) that I wouldn't lift it. So I do four reps. Still "struggling". When I rack the bar, he comes storming over... slaps his weight up to 315 and starts walking back and forth and sucking air in great gulps. Lays back... puts his hands around the bar and start snatching back and forth grunting and making rrrraarrrrhhh rarrrhhh noises. A might heave and the weight is up. He lowers it to his chest, the weight goes down. He blows out his air.. and the weight stays down. He goes RRRRRAAHHRHHRRHRRRR and that weight is like FUCK YOU I AIN"T GOING NOWHERE. He is like now... rrrrahhrrrr much weaker cause he ain't getting air in them pancaked lungs... and he is feverishly looking around... so one of his boys runs over and tries to haul it off him. No go. Well maybe about 2 inches.. rather he didn't pick it up as much as he shifted it closer to his throat.
So 30 seconds later I hear him grunt down down down... I look over and he lowers himself to the correct position in the incline and ROLLS the bar down his chest to his waist before ducking his legs out from under it. (This explains the missing letters from his tank top... obviously he has done this before) So there is a big crash and the gym manager naturally runs over to see what has happened. Fat Ass looks at him and goes, "It's just me Jim, it's cool." The manager waves and goes back to the front desk. Which leads me to believe this is not the first time he has stuck under a weight and had to dump it.
So they standing over there (all 4 of them) unloading the plates off the bar on the floor when I add a 25 to each side of my bar.. bringing it up to 365. They have stopped staring now and are GLARING instead. I sit back and do 7 reps with it. This time not struggling at all. Normally I get 9-10 reps with 365. But I stop just short so they don't see me putting effort into the last couple of reps. I rack that weight and wipe some imaginary sweat off my forehead (although it is dry as a bone and you can see it is dry and I am obviously making a sarcastic gesture) and I go "wheewwww. That was, like, hebby" I stand up and take off my sweatshirt so I just have on my 2xist tank top and turn around. Their eyes practically jump out of there heads. I look over and say "I think this is enough for this morning. I feel so weak and I don't really want to get too big."
Then - without unloading my bar - I walk over to the water and then walk past the front desk out the door. When I am at the water fountain, I can see in the mirrors that the three of the croonies are still staring at me while Fat Ass is still with his head down and unloading his bar on the floor.
I then drive to IHOP and spend the next hour eating and reading the paper while waiting for traffic to clear.
I can only imagine Fat Ass went home and cried himself to sleep.
tuc biscuit
New member
Not reading that amount ever. I would say bend your knees more though.
The Ranger
New member
THE HALF-REP GURUGODS- A must for every gym, and not complete without them. Most of the time huddled around the squat rack with 5 plates on each side. The noise they emit from their pie holes is staggering and done to ensure everyone will pause to watch the enormous feat coming up! I must admit Stretch and I have fallen victim to them at least once or twice. The first of the group bangs head off the bar until blood flows from his forehead(a hardcore habit), unracks the bar emitting a Tarzan like scream, lowers 4 inches into a squat, then stands erect once again to complete the awe inspiring rep. We are generally left dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity of this act, yet they precieve it to be God-Like looks of worship...Ignore them and move on!
THE SUPERHERO GANG- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!
Ranger
THE SUPERHERO GANG- Skin tight spandex showing off disgustingly perfect bodies, flying here and there like giant mosquitoes, throwing lightning bolts at each other and saving the world between sets. I hate these guys!
Ranger
Funny shit. Was it a Venice Beach Gym Shirt?
Imnotdutch
butler monkey
lol.......would have loved to have seen that 
musclebrains
New member
LOL...I agree with flexy. YOu need to be writing that stuff somewhere.
That reminds me of the time I got owned.
I was working on my squat as I had been trying to break through a barrier so I had been doing sets of 4-6 fast and was on 275 when I was called out.
This little dude, I mean little, not muscled at all (he was wearing shorts and a tank top) put two wheels on each side of his bar and ripped out 3 fast solid deep reps, he had fantastic form, mine had seen better days, without waiting he put the third wheel on each side and waited for my defense.
I took up the call and loaded up 315 for 6 gruesome reps that were slow and sloppy, and my back hurt. He danced out another perfect 3 reps. I went up another 20 or so pounds and got a few more bad reps, he upped and destroyed me.
Owned.
There is more to the story, but that is the guts of it.
I was working on my squat as I had been trying to break through a barrier so I had been doing sets of 4-6 fast and was on 275 when I was called out.
This little dude, I mean little, not muscled at all (he was wearing shorts and a tank top) put two wheels on each side of his bar and ripped out 3 fast solid deep reps, he had fantastic form, mine had seen better days, without waiting he put the third wheel on each side and waited for my defense.
I took up the call and loaded up 315 for 6 gruesome reps that were slow and sloppy, and my back hurt. He danced out another perfect 3 reps. I went up another 20 or so pounds and got a few more bad reps, he upped and destroyed me.
Owned.
There is more to the story, but that is the guts of it.
Mackavelli said:
Until he peeled half the decals off with his 'scrape the bar down his entire torso-dropping it to the ground' teqnique.
Classic story AAP.
the nature boy
New member
NoDaddyNo said:
beat me to it.
D
DepressiveJuice
Guest
flexygrl said:
thats what i was thinking. the way you describe everything so we can visualize it. if you put enough effort into it, you can be a writer/author
Thats some funny story.. Seems like every gym has a fat lard that weights 250lb and 30%BF, but is looked up by everyone else. Good to see that you PUNKED him really bad to the point that he could have choked himself to death if his friends weren't around to get the weights off.
Robert Jan
New member
To get a novel published write a manuscript and send it in to a publisher. If rejected or ignored try another publisher.
repeat.
repeat.
D
DepressiveJuice
Guest
Robert Jan said:
its the only way im familiar with. AAP you should take some classes to help you out or something. do some research, you could be bringing in good money
powerforward
Well-known member
racer x ruled. mr big should have been a better band though.
flexygrl
New member
AAP, I don't think it's about being a comedian. You are a good writer. Your story had me visualizing this fat piece of crap as he tried to own you. Your story about the boy band did that too. You are very talented. Try these sites. I'm not sure how good they are:
writers.com
writing.com
writers.com
writing.com
Ok... you write the "draft" including chapter breakdowns and such... and then? Staple it together and send it out? Or do you have to go ahead and have it in a "book" type with a picture on the front. OR what?
If you can't get a publisher to carry it, then what? Make the books yourself and sell them online?
Do you get paid per book or is it a big lump sum up front no matter how many copies they sell?
If you can't get a publisher to carry it, then what? Make the books yourself and sell them online?
Do you get paid per book or is it a big lump sum up front no matter how many copies they sell?
R
revexrevex
Guest
awesome story bro
Lumberg
New member
AAP said:
No you just type it up as a manuscript and send in the printout. Some old school types actually hand write their stories and hire someone to type them up.
There is also a place called firstbooks.com I think where you can self-publish. I met an author who had a great book called a road through Mali-Kuli about an african national park. Great book and she did it all herself.
notoriousQQ
New member
funny shit
c3bodybuilding
New member
This is the best. It's simply classic! I sometimes workout in a hole in the wall gym like that. Theres a few 'hero's' there. I am always wearing the xxxl sweatshirt, because I usually don't like to show off. Meanwhile theres fat fucks wearing tight ass tank tops, with the worn out leather belt wrapper real tight, even for machine work! I love when I am warming up, and they laugh. Until I get to my second warm up set, and I am doing as much as their work set. You gotta love those moments.
I love how you said, "I don't want to get too big." CLASSIC. I need to go to the gym with you one of these days. I would laugh so hard if something like this happened.
ps. LMAO the part about his teeth, can't forget that. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I love how you said, "I don't want to get too big." CLASSIC. I need to go to the gym with you one of these days. I would laugh so hard if something like this happened.
ps. LMAO the part about his teeth, can't forget that. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I felt Like I was there.
I think I was there.
I think I was there.
AAP- if you are serious about writing something....write it....and then mail it yourself USPS and dont open it. If someone ever copies your stuff you can bring a case to court and open your original writing (with the USPS official date stamp on the package) in front of a judge and win. A lot of ad agencies use this technique to protect their creative work.
supersizeme
New member
lol i saw him again the other day in a different bally's. i think he's on a state-wide tour promoting badness and hardcoreness. he was wearing the exact same thing, too...boots and all. man AAP if you just saw this guy you would understand. he brings everyone in the gym up to a new level.
Re: Huh?
Well there were numerous threads about it, but eventually I confessed that I ain't gay.
You know, when I was sitting in the IHOP, I kept looking out the window half expecting to see him drive by in a '82 trans am, big ass bird decal on the hood, blaring out Jack and Diane by John Cougar on some shitty free air 6x9's.
Wynn said:
Well there were numerous threads about it, but eventually I confessed that I ain't gay.
You know, when I was sitting in the IHOP, I kept looking out the window half expecting to see him drive by in a '82 trans am, big ass bird decal on the hood, blaring out Jack and Diane by John Cougar on some shitty free air 6x9's.
c3bodybuilding
New member
You know, when I was sitting in the IHOP, I kept looking out the window half expecting to see him drive by in a '82 trans am, big ass bird decal on the hood, blaring out Jack and Diane by John Cougar on some shitty free air 6x9's.>>>>>>>>>
LMAOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL I can't take it. I nearly fell off my chair laughing in tears. Thats one of the funniest things I've read in weeks.
LMAOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL I can't take it. I nearly fell off my chair laughing in tears. Thats one of the funniest things I've read in weeks.
"And Jacky Say
Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of livin is gone
Oh yeay say life goes on..."
I can see that fat ass no neck lard head bobbing up and down in tune with the song... got his treble turned all the way up - cause it makes it sound louder and his bass all the way down - cause when the bass is up.. it makes the cracked paper in the 6x9 hum and rattle.
Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of livin is gone
Oh yeay say life goes on..."
I can see that fat ass no neck lard head bobbing up and down in tune with the song... got his treble turned all the way up - cause it makes it sound louder and his bass all the way down - cause when the bass is up.. it makes the cracked paper in the 6x9 hum and rattle.
c3bodybuilding
New member
I can see that fat ass no neck lard head bobbing up and down in tune with the song... got his treble turned all the way up - cause it makes it sound louder and his bass all the way down - cause when the bass is up.. it makes the cracked paper in the 6x9 hum and rattle.>>>>>>>>>>>>
I can't take it anymore. My fiancee' had to come check on me, I was laughing so hard, when I showed her all of this, she started laughing so hard, she was in tears too.
LMAO Treble all the way up LOLOLOL
I can't take it anymore. My fiancee' had to come check on me, I was laughing so hard, when I showed her all of this, she started laughing so hard, she was in tears too.
LMAO Treble all the way up LOLOLOL
Heahy Minister
New member
Oh man IHOP is the shit!!! HUGE servings!!!
C3bodybuilding said:
Hey, you cant hate on treble all the way up. It SHOULD be (on ANY head unit), and if you're still "pimpin" a 70's to mid-80's car with factory speakers, you should have the bass down (due to the shitty paper cones car manuf. used then).
Still laughed at AAP's description of the TA & factory system tho.
GoldenDelicious
New member
365 for 7 inclined reps is excellent, AAP. what were you weighing at the time?
these american gyms sound really interesting, might have to go to one one day
these american gyms sound really interesting, might have to go to one one day
Funniest lifting post ever.
DieselGunz
New member
Great story AAP, really felt like I was there. I enjoy showing up ass holes too once in a while. The best thing is after I do it, they come over and ask me what I am on, my answer in creatine thats it
