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Dear alcohol,
>
>First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. You've provided the
>perfect weekend cocktails, a gin with the boys, and you're even around
>in the holidays hidden in eggnog and chocolates as you warm us when
>we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
>been wondering about your intentions.
>
>While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
>that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
>for your review.
>
>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
>I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
>necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
>hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
>from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chilli
>sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down
>with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few
>cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am,
>but I think you went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
>by causing me to stagger and fall, it's completely unnecessary. The
>black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is
>beyond me.
>
>Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
>door key into the lock.
>
>4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
>the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
>being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
>ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
>cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
>people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
>best friends when a flash is presented?
>
>5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
>likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
>I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal! from
>now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
>brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
>statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
>guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly,
>etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they
>so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
>
>6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
>ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
>debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is
>completely unacceptable.
>My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
>(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, gatoraid) prior to going to
>bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
>hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
>Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now,
>it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
>to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
>when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
>
>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
>grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer
>no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
>and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
>Thank you from your biggest fan,
>
>_______________
>
Got it in an email....thought it was pretty funny.
>
>First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. You've provided the
>perfect weekend cocktails, a gin with the boys, and you're even around
>in the holidays hidden in eggnog and chocolates as you warm us when
>we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
>been wondering about your intentions.
>
>While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
>that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below
>for your review.
>
>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
>I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
>necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
>hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
>from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chilli
>sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down
>with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few
>cheese curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am,
>but I think you went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
>by causing me to stagger and fall, it's completely unnecessary. The
>black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is
>beyond me.
>
>Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
>door key into the lock.
>
>4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
>the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
>being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
>ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
>cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with
>people I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
>best friends when a flash is presented?
>
>5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
>likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
>I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal! from
>now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
>brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
>statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the
>guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly,
>etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you and why are they
>so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
>
>6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
>ridiculous now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
>debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is
>completely unacceptable.
>My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
>(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, gatoraid) prior to going to
>bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
>hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
>Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now,
>it's only fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
>to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
>when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
>
>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
>grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer
>no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
>and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
>
>Thank you from your biggest fan,
>
>_______________
>
Got it in an email....thought it was pretty funny.
