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brobe
My college, like many others, puts out an alumni magazine. I think it comes out 4 times a year. They request that we write in to our class representatives to describe what we have been up to lately. Most people write in and talk about the fact that they are traveling the world trying to spread peace. Or that they are making millions in banking, or are lawyers and know Clinton, etc.
I usually just try to make up stuff that is out there and see what they will print. In the past I described life as a truck driver on the grueling Michigan to Cuban plantain route. I also discussed hitchhiking across the country in exchange for oral sex and illegal drugs, and then my ensuing prison stay and various physical maladies and diseases that followed.
This is what I submitted today when they requested an update (this is the exact copy, and the person I am writing to is in fact not named Martha - I have left in the spelling errors which I later wrote back to them and apologized and promised to "beat myself about the genitals in repentance"):
Dear Martha,
I am sorry I haven't written in so long. I have been busy, but in no way deny my all consuming passion for the sweet nectar of your love. How I long for the gentle swell of your bosom and I ever so miss the gentle play of light as it passes over the cascading locks of your golden tresses. I will never forget the gentle caresses and soft touch of that night in Southern France, and the al too short weekend in Rom. My all consuming passion for the sport of full contact tiddlywinks has left me just all but enough time to sleep and eat ever so little before the next round of madness starts yet again. The things we do for the love of the game, the sport, the life. What a mad mad world it is.
The weather here is, as always, wonderful. The plague and pestilence have for the most part gone away and it hasn't rained down the frogs of Satan's wrath in a few weeks. My rash has all but cleared up and the burning is more of a distant memory than anything else. While I do find that I sweat a lot, the copious quantities of curry and chili seem to make life more interesting - as do my current bathing habits (or perhaps I should say the lack thereof). Also, my hemorrhoids as it turns out weren't that at all! I was excited as anyone else was to find out they were merely benign tumors that were easily (albeit expensive and painfully) removed over the course of several weeks. I don't think I need to tell you how wonderful those donut pillows are for overall "butt comfort" - but DO NOT make the same mistake I did if you happen to be half out of your gourd on painkillers and gin - just because the thing is called a "donut" does not mean that it is made of delicious and entirely palatable fried dough. It took two nurses and, as far as I understood, it a passing janitor to remove that thing from my tortured esophagus.
On the topic of my beautiful body and its ever growing form, I'd like to inform you that the plastic surgery is healing nicely. The doctor says that the level of estrogenic fat that he removed from my thighs and "upper ass" as he put it was "far greater than he has ever seen in any man my age." I like to think that was a compliment and a testament to my general health (and perhaps my diet which is most certainly "above average" by anyone's standards). As you well know, I contemplated breast implants, but in the end chickened out and instead just had them botox my entire back and abdomen. On the good side, it seems to have helped with my previously uncontrollable flatulence, but on the bad side my bladder control is really rather weak now. The doctor and I had talked about stapling my stomach shut, but later decided against it and instead he gave me an eyebrow lift. I currently look bloated, and quite surprised... I've found that it isn't as much of a lady magnet as I had hoped. I also own many pairs of shoes - several of which are relatively new.
I have to run, I have a court date at which I am sure that all charges will be dropped as they nearly always are in the case of horse pederasty. It is of my opinion - as well as my fully competent lawyer - that on this occasion (and all others I might add), the the equine participant wanted it and was in full consent. If need be we will likely pull our card of the obvious fact that the only "witness" could hardly be considered credible since he is clearly a chinaman. (I don't think anyone needs to go into any questions of trust there)
Not to mention that I feel this whole ordeal is racist and the man is trying to hold me down.
Yours forever in the fight. Rise up,
Enrico Pullatzo
I usually just try to make up stuff that is out there and see what they will print. In the past I described life as a truck driver on the grueling Michigan to Cuban plantain route. I also discussed hitchhiking across the country in exchange for oral sex and illegal drugs, and then my ensuing prison stay and various physical maladies and diseases that followed.
This is what I submitted today when they requested an update (this is the exact copy, and the person I am writing to is in fact not named Martha - I have left in the spelling errors which I later wrote back to them and apologized and promised to "beat myself about the genitals in repentance"):
Dear Martha,
I am sorry I haven't written in so long. I have been busy, but in no way deny my all consuming passion for the sweet nectar of your love. How I long for the gentle swell of your bosom and I ever so miss the gentle play of light as it passes over the cascading locks of your golden tresses. I will never forget the gentle caresses and soft touch of that night in Southern France, and the al too short weekend in Rom. My all consuming passion for the sport of full contact tiddlywinks has left me just all but enough time to sleep and eat ever so little before the next round of madness starts yet again. The things we do for the love of the game, the sport, the life. What a mad mad world it is.
The weather here is, as always, wonderful. The plague and pestilence have for the most part gone away and it hasn't rained down the frogs of Satan's wrath in a few weeks. My rash has all but cleared up and the burning is more of a distant memory than anything else. While I do find that I sweat a lot, the copious quantities of curry and chili seem to make life more interesting - as do my current bathing habits (or perhaps I should say the lack thereof). Also, my hemorrhoids as it turns out weren't that at all! I was excited as anyone else was to find out they were merely benign tumors that were easily (albeit expensive and painfully) removed over the course of several weeks. I don't think I need to tell you how wonderful those donut pillows are for overall "butt comfort" - but DO NOT make the same mistake I did if you happen to be half out of your gourd on painkillers and gin - just because the thing is called a "donut" does not mean that it is made of delicious and entirely palatable fried dough. It took two nurses and, as far as I understood, it a passing janitor to remove that thing from my tortured esophagus.
On the topic of my beautiful body and its ever growing form, I'd like to inform you that the plastic surgery is healing nicely. The doctor says that the level of estrogenic fat that he removed from my thighs and "upper ass" as he put it was "far greater than he has ever seen in any man my age." I like to think that was a compliment and a testament to my general health (and perhaps my diet which is most certainly "above average" by anyone's standards). As you well know, I contemplated breast implants, but in the end chickened out and instead just had them botox my entire back and abdomen. On the good side, it seems to have helped with my previously uncontrollable flatulence, but on the bad side my bladder control is really rather weak now. The doctor and I had talked about stapling my stomach shut, but later decided against it and instead he gave me an eyebrow lift. I currently look bloated, and quite surprised... I've found that it isn't as much of a lady magnet as I had hoped. I also own many pairs of shoes - several of which are relatively new.
I have to run, I have a court date at which I am sure that all charges will be dropped as they nearly always are in the case of horse pederasty. It is of my opinion - as well as my fully competent lawyer - that on this occasion (and all others I might add), the the equine participant wanted it and was in full consent. If need be we will likely pull our card of the obvious fact that the only "witness" could hardly be considered credible since he is clearly a chinaman. (I don't think anyone needs to go into any questions of trust there)
Not to mention that I feel this whole ordeal is racist and the man is trying to hold me down.
Yours forever in the fight. Rise up,
Enrico Pullatzo
lol
