Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
Deus Ex Machina
New member
shut up your fucking mouth you sick barnacle of society's ass______________________________________________
It is a curse.
I have no desire to harm any child. Is it the loving touch that harms? Or the abusive empty touch?
What's wrong with love, and if a touch feels so good, why is it bad?
I live in isolation with my feelings. I have normal social trends, but my sexuality remains isolated. There is nobody I can share with.
I fear discovery of my feelings.
I fear jail.
I fear the wrath of others.
They say that homosexuality is normal, a genteic condition that cannot be changed. Is this the same? I have tried to change it, to block it, to ignore it, and it only eats me up and the desire multiplies itself within me. For awhile, I even made an effort to not look at children, period. But when I would hear a child's laughter, I HAD to look, it ripped me apart to not look, the desire only worsened.
So to inner peace;
I gave in to the fight, it was too strong. I set aside some part of my morals, masturbate to wrongful thoughts and feel guilty about it.
This is the balance I have found. My recepie for peace. I can keep it inside, lust and look and think whatever I want, even let thoughts of loving sexual encounters and images run through my brain, but not to let my desires dictate my actions. It's not worth it. The broken relationships, the broken lives, the guilt, the shame.
I cannot seek counseling, lest I be labeled, I cannot confide in freinds lest I be outcast, I am alone to deal with my desires. I decided I cannot change my desires,
Who would CHOOSE this!!??
Where are all the others? What have they done to make inner peace? Some act, others refrain, others deny. There are others, right?
I will cherish the time spent with a child, the relashionship, the innocence, the beauty, to simply hold a sweet little girl in my arms. For I truly love them, they are the world to me. They are MY innocence. I will never take that from them.
So is it love? Lust? A sexual screw loose in the brain? It's beyond my comprehension. I have tried, I have denied, I have come to terms with it. It took several years, wasted years.
I want not your pity, nor your rage, it is not ME that forced myself upon you. I wonder if I can be normal. I wonder if I'll ever find a girl my own age that will be enough of a soul-mate to whom I can confide? I wonder if she'll be apprehensive when watching me interact with our own children, or dis-trust me with them; even subconciously in the back of her head.
Keep it inside, and pretend you're normal. Maybe you can lead a normal life.
______________________________________________
