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This is taken from tmag.
http://testosterone.net/html/103tc.html
...
I've decided, however, to use my vast knowledge of health, science, and statistics to come up with the definitive life expectancy quiz, one conceived especially for the Testosterone dude.
Simply answer the following questions as truthfully as possible, and keep tabs of your points on a piece of paper:
How would you describe your general health?
a) Excellent: +4 years
b) Okay, but I don't feel as peppy as I used to: 0
c) I fade in and out of a coma, generally awakening only when one of my nurses has started to play a polka by using my corrugated feeding tube as a crude accordion: -10 years
What's your blood pressure?
a) Don't know: 0
b) Normal and checked regularly: +3 years
c) High blood pressure: -5 years
d) Not sure, but when I put my finger on my pulse, it sounds like the drum section of Gloria Estefan's band is playing the bossa nova on my left ventricle: -10 years
How often do you have sex?
a) More than once a day: 0 (zero years because more than once a day means you're forgetting to eat)
b) Once a day: +2 years
c) Once a week: +1 year
d) Not sure, because the last time I took my penis out of my pants, I was charged with disturbing an ancient archeological site and desecrating the resting place of what the ancient people had come to call, "The Wrinkled One Whose Sleep Is Eternal": 0
Do you practice safe sex?
a) No: -5 years
b) Yes, occasionally: 0
c) Before having sex, I dip my penis in Lucite, forming a three-inch thick hard plastic casing which doubles as a lovely paperweight. I may not feel much pleasure, dammit, but lord knows nothing's getting through that Lucite: +3 years
Do you ever drink to excess?
a) Never: +3 years
b) Rarely: +1 year
c) The Grand Cooley Dam was built to harness the power of my last river-like flow of upchuck: -2 years
Are you overweight?
a) No, my weight is perfect for my height: +2 years
b) I could stand to lose ten pounds: 0
c) I can't pass from room to room without first stripping naked, coating myself with butter, and getting a running start before barreling through the doorway, subsequently making a noise that sounds like a hundred naked butts scooting along the floor of the bathtub: -5 years
What situation describes your temperment?
a) I'm very mellow; I flow with the situation: +3 years
b) I occasionally let my anger get the better of me: 0
c) I once killed a man for whistling Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen" in an elevator we were sharing: -4 years
Do you have a significant other?
a) I'm involved in a loving, satisfying relationship: +3 years
b) I'm alone, but hopeful of finding love: 0
c) I have sex with farm animals before slaughtering them for dinner: -2 years
What is your body mass index?
a) 21-24: +1 years
b) 25-34: 0
c) It's roughly equivalent to one of the shorter, fatter planets like Mercury or Venus, or 400-pound-plus bodybuilder Greg Kovacs and, like Greg, I got that way by using BodyTech supplements: -10 years
How many times a night do you get up to urinate?
a) Zero, my bladder is as secure as a little Elian Gonzalez inner tube: +1 year
b) Once or twice: -1 year
c) Not sure, but my prostate doubles as a Swiss ball, and I've had to build a cot right next to the toilet so that instead of getting up every 20 minutes, I can just roll over and trickle: -5 years
How often do you masturbate?
a) Never: -1 year
b) Several times a week, because I find that it relieves stress: +1 year
c) My hands have frozen into arthritic claws from years of self-abuse, and I haven't been able to get up from my bed because I've become entombed in dried semen (please send help): -3 years
What is your family health history?
a) Most of my relatives have lived long, productive lives: +5 years
b) My maternal grandfather had a pet fruit fly that outlived him: -15 years
How often do you exercise?
a) I lift weights about four times a week: +5 years
b) I go for a brisk walk every day: +3 years
c) I occasionally lift up one or the other butt cheek when it starts to stick to the leather couch: -3 years
Do you ever experience tinnitus (ringing of the ears)?
a) Never: +1 year
b) Occasionally: -1 year
c) All the time, but I can pretty much trace it to when my wife caught me hiding in the broom closet with the babysitter and hit me over the head with a polo mallet: -3 years
Do you have a stressful job?
a) No, I really get a lot of satisfaction and personal growth out of my job: +2 years
b) No, but I find it kind of boring: 0
c) Yes, I'm the caretaker of the Hungry Feral Squirrel exhibit at the local nudist colony: -4 years
Do you eat at least five servings of vegetables a day?
a) Yes, without exception: +3 years
b) Occasionally: 0
c) Not unless I eat the olives in my martinis: -2 years
Do you try to limit you intake of saturated fat?
a) Yes, I eat only healthful fats: +2 years
b) Yes, but I do have the occasional burger: 0
c) No, in fact, I ate so much cheese that I had a massive coronary and lost control of the left side of my face and body so that I now pretty much have the lead roll in the local production of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" wrapped up: -6 years
Have you participated in the "Body-For-Life" program?
a) Yes: -10 years
b) No, but I've been considering it: -5 years
c) No: +3 years
Okay! Now let's add up your points. Take your total and either add or subtract from the base score, which is 72 (based on the average life span of a male in the United States).
http://testosterone.net/html/103tc.html
...
I've decided, however, to use my vast knowledge of health, science, and statistics to come up with the definitive life expectancy quiz, one conceived especially for the Testosterone dude.
Simply answer the following questions as truthfully as possible, and keep tabs of your points on a piece of paper:
How would you describe your general health?
a) Excellent: +4 years
b) Okay, but I don't feel as peppy as I used to: 0
c) I fade in and out of a coma, generally awakening only when one of my nurses has started to play a polka by using my corrugated feeding tube as a crude accordion: -10 years
What's your blood pressure?
a) Don't know: 0
b) Normal and checked regularly: +3 years
c) High blood pressure: -5 years
d) Not sure, but when I put my finger on my pulse, it sounds like the drum section of Gloria Estefan's band is playing the bossa nova on my left ventricle: -10 years
How often do you have sex?
a) More than once a day: 0 (zero years because more than once a day means you're forgetting to eat)
b) Once a day: +2 years
c) Once a week: +1 year
d) Not sure, because the last time I took my penis out of my pants, I was charged with disturbing an ancient archeological site and desecrating the resting place of what the ancient people had come to call, "The Wrinkled One Whose Sleep Is Eternal": 0
Do you practice safe sex?
a) No: -5 years
b) Yes, occasionally: 0
c) Before having sex, I dip my penis in Lucite, forming a three-inch thick hard plastic casing which doubles as a lovely paperweight. I may not feel much pleasure, dammit, but lord knows nothing's getting through that Lucite: +3 years
Do you ever drink to excess?
a) Never: +3 years
b) Rarely: +1 year
c) The Grand Cooley Dam was built to harness the power of my last river-like flow of upchuck: -2 years
Are you overweight?
a) No, my weight is perfect for my height: +2 years
b) I could stand to lose ten pounds: 0
c) I can't pass from room to room without first stripping naked, coating myself with butter, and getting a running start before barreling through the doorway, subsequently making a noise that sounds like a hundred naked butts scooting along the floor of the bathtub: -5 years
What situation describes your temperment?
a) I'm very mellow; I flow with the situation: +3 years
b) I occasionally let my anger get the better of me: 0
c) I once killed a man for whistling Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen" in an elevator we were sharing: -4 years
Do you have a significant other?
a) I'm involved in a loving, satisfying relationship: +3 years
b) I'm alone, but hopeful of finding love: 0
c) I have sex with farm animals before slaughtering them for dinner: -2 years
What is your body mass index?
a) 21-24: +1 years
b) 25-34: 0
c) It's roughly equivalent to one of the shorter, fatter planets like Mercury or Venus, or 400-pound-plus bodybuilder Greg Kovacs and, like Greg, I got that way by using BodyTech supplements: -10 years
How many times a night do you get up to urinate?
a) Zero, my bladder is as secure as a little Elian Gonzalez inner tube: +1 year
b) Once or twice: -1 year
c) Not sure, but my prostate doubles as a Swiss ball, and I've had to build a cot right next to the toilet so that instead of getting up every 20 minutes, I can just roll over and trickle: -5 years
How often do you masturbate?
a) Never: -1 year
b) Several times a week, because I find that it relieves stress: +1 year
c) My hands have frozen into arthritic claws from years of self-abuse, and I haven't been able to get up from my bed because I've become entombed in dried semen (please send help): -3 years
What is your family health history?
a) Most of my relatives have lived long, productive lives: +5 years
b) My maternal grandfather had a pet fruit fly that outlived him: -15 years
How often do you exercise?
a) I lift weights about four times a week: +5 years
b) I go for a brisk walk every day: +3 years
c) I occasionally lift up one or the other butt cheek when it starts to stick to the leather couch: -3 years
Do you ever experience tinnitus (ringing of the ears)?
a) Never: +1 year
b) Occasionally: -1 year
c) All the time, but I can pretty much trace it to when my wife caught me hiding in the broom closet with the babysitter and hit me over the head with a polo mallet: -3 years
Do you have a stressful job?
a) No, I really get a lot of satisfaction and personal growth out of my job: +2 years
b) No, but I find it kind of boring: 0
c) Yes, I'm the caretaker of the Hungry Feral Squirrel exhibit at the local nudist colony: -4 years
Do you eat at least five servings of vegetables a day?
a) Yes, without exception: +3 years
b) Occasionally: 0
c) Not unless I eat the olives in my martinis: -2 years
Do you try to limit you intake of saturated fat?
a) Yes, I eat only healthful fats: +2 years
b) Yes, but I do have the occasional burger: 0
c) No, in fact, I ate so much cheese that I had a massive coronary and lost control of the left side of my face and body so that I now pretty much have the lead roll in the local production of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" wrapped up: -6 years
Have you participated in the "Body-For-Life" program?
a) Yes: -10 years
b) No, but I've been considering it: -5 years
c) No: +3 years
Okay! Now let's add up your points. Take your total and either add or subtract from the base score, which is 72 (based on the average life span of a male in the United States).
