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can't touch this cause it's freaky hot

HappyScrappy

HappyScrappy

New member
After a long day of rubbing my genitals on glass for my "job", I decided it was high time that I get some nutrition in my belly, or what I like to call "ragnarock" - don't ask.
So I hopped into my rust orange ElCamino and cruised my way down past the nearest piggly wiggly to the thing nearest to heaven - McDonalds. I hung a louie and pulled into a parking spot reserved for me and some dude with a round head and sweet chair, at least that's what the picture on the sign and the ground seems to indicate.
I slide out the window Duke's of Hazzard style and then proceed to enter a little bit of wonderland right in front of me. While whistling the song Down in the Park and with my left hand in my pants (scratching a ferocious itch) I walked up to the counter and then backed up a bit. I yelled out "Ok everyone, STEP BACK!!!"
There were many excited people in the place and they all turned to look at me - perhaps due to the fact that I'm a wee bit of a celebrity in these here parts. They all were pretending to be scared and moved away - I love doing that.
I took my hands out of my pants and wiped it down the back of a small child's sweatshirt near me and then proceeded to order. The woman behind the counter pretended not to understand what I was saying, so I just said it louder and I think that helped.
I paid for my 3 quarter pounders with cheese and 7 large fries all in nickels b/c I'm on a diet and trying to lose weight. I told the lady behind the counter that and she smiled. I'm a funny guy. I told her that too.
I have a feeling I got some extra special sauce b/c they love me at that place.
On my way out a homeless guy asked me for some change, so I threw the remaining nickels I had at him and told him to "lick me and call me Sally." He did neither... probably b/c he was too busy picking up the nickels.
I then hopped back in through the window (the door isn't broken, I just like showing people that I'm no musclebound freak) and starter her up. It took a few minutes and I had to swear a lot - I've found this helps. After screaming some slurs at nearby pedestrians that were too slow for my taste I sped off in the general direction of my love pad so I could consume my bounty for the night.
Freaky hot I say. Dinner time rules. I can't wait for cheat day.
 
When I was a kid, we'd always pay for stuff in pennies, the counter people would get so mad, but that's all we had and we'd be like you can't refuse them they are MONEY dammit.
 
grammar police

HappyScrappy said:
I don't know - my ADD is acting up to.
and my herpes is flaring up BAD
Click to expand...

shouldn't this be herpes ARE flaring up???

either way ya slice it... well.... ya just don't want to slice it...
 
technically stores are allowed to refuse to sell to you for whatever reason they want - or at least that was the case in VA and NY - but that doesn't mean you can't whip the pennies at the cashier and call them rude names. that never gets old.

I always try to barter. like I'll go into a 7-11 and get like 7 hot dogs and as much candy as I can carry, and then after he rings it up, just give him a blank stare... and then offer him one of my shoes.
 
Re: grammar police

Phemomena said:


shouldn't this be herpes ARE flaring up???

either way ya slice it... well.... ya just don't want to slice it...
Click to expand...

too late, the slicing started about 3 hours ago. hot burning slicing.

herpes is singular I think. I'm no english major.
 
HS-- you've got this girl's sympathy. I'm impressed that you're working out via carrying around mass amounts of change. That's a great idea. You should be proud of yourself for limiting your fry intake to 7 too....it's a bitch to decrease your fry intake. I find a grease patch to be really useful in that situation.

And the ADD probably ties into the herpes because taking care of those seepy sores has to be distracting. All this AND you give to the homeless?? You deserve some kind of award. Have you considered mentoring???
 
Raina said:
intake to 7 too....it's a bitch to decrease your fry intake. I find a grease patch to be really useful in that situation.
Click to expand...

you too?! I have one on my forehead right now!
also, bathing in bacon fat helps too... not sure what it helps, but I think its my skin, I feel all bumpy.


Have you considered mentoring???
Click to expand...

no - but I masturbate like a fiend - is that close?
 
When I'm having a low-fry intake day, I often get nauseated and convulse. Kind of like when a diabetic is low on insulin. Luckily I always wear a fanny pack (mine is neon pink with sparkles) with a few fries in it. That way in an emergency, people can mash up some fries and put them in my mouth. It's saved my life more than once, I kid you not.

I like to rub down my body with crisco at night. Just makes me feel sexy....I'm not sure if it has an actual purpose.
 
wow... if I didn't know better, I'd say that I had created an alter ego on elite and was posting to myself...

this is making me entirely too... laughing... english? me learning still.

did you tell her I was rich and had a rapist wit?
 
Raina, I too have a fanny pack, and again, mine has sparkles (to match my sweatsuit and headband), but it is powderblue (the bedazzled looks is accented with a slightly darker, yet reflective blue).
In mine, I've tried the fries method as you say, but you have to be careful b/c sometimes they go rancid, or some careless fuck will just crush them up and eat them themselves. it sends me into a fit of rage when they do that. also turnstyles... those send me into a fit of rage too... more of a confused rage, flailing and fighting, spitting, swearing... fucking turnstyles.
Anyway, due to what I just mentioned, now I just carry a 10cc syringe around with me and have tattooed on my chest right in the center a bulls-eye that says "FAT HERE" and an arrow pointing to the center.
that way the paramedics know what to do if I'm found face down in a puddle of my own bodily fluids... like I am most mornings.
The one slight problem I've noticed with this is the other tattoo right next to it that says "No Fat Chicks" in gangsta script seems to confuse the slow ones...
 
I like to think of my fanny pack as "jewelry for my pants". Some people stare at it but I know it's out of jealousy.

I also find that I meet more men because I always smell like fries. I mean how many guys do you know who would opt for veggies instead of fries at a restaurant. And obviously anyone who would pick veggies would be fucking queer. Last week this guy came up to me and said "excuse me, do you have fries on you". Part of me knew that it was a pick up line but the other part of me was just scared that he would try to steal them. Well, I just ended up bursting into tears and yelling "get your own damn potatoes mother fucker". He seemed startled. Fucker probably thought I was the kind of girl who just let anyone into her fanny pack....
 
I'll let anyone into my fannypack... oh wait, that is something else I was thinking of... but it does involve my ass and packing.

if you have guys coming up to you and hitting on you, the best course of action that you can do is immediately start screaming and clawing at their eyes. that's what I do when women talk to me.
so far the only downside I've noticed is that you might not want to do that in interviews. let's just say a certain someone isn't working at Denny's right now, and I think we all know why.
 
i will give you this happy your funny, and i always enjoy a funny man...i enjoy a good rainbow as well
 
Give it up for Scrappy...you are one creative guy!

Few people, besides you and SG, on this board, can make me laugh the way you both do.



:D
 
I'm kind of okay with guys hitting on me but not hitting me. If someone is just trying to ask me or out something that's one thing, but if they just come out of nowhere and beat the piss outta me, that's not okay in this girl's book.

I'm sorry to hear about Denny's. That place is SO nice. I bet they're really choosy and aloof about who gets the priviledge of working there. I hope you didn't get down on yourself about it.If I did really well in math when I was in HS, my mom and dad would bring me there. My folks were awesome.

One time I was there and the waiter asked what I wanted to eat. I thew a leg up on the table, pointed to my crotch and said "I know what you can eat baby". Asshole said it was harrassment. Now I'm banned for Denny's.
 
HighIntensity said:
i will give you this happy your funny, and i always enjoy a funny man...i enjoy a good rainbow as well
Click to expand...

when I was in high school I ran track and xc and won a lot of big races - so my varsity jacket was covered in the patches that you would win when doing that - it was like a status symbol thing at the time and now sounds really stupid I know.
but I finally had too many for the jacket, so I just would leave them in my locker and then try to find other random patches to put on instead. I had a smiley face one, and a patch for an all boys school that I didn't go to, one that was blue... don't recall what it was, but I think it was what EMT's wear...
but my favorite was a rainbow one...
at the time I didn't know what rainbows on things usually denote.

that is all.
 
Raina said:

One time I was there and the waiter asked what I wanted to eat. I thew a leg up on the table, pointed to my crotch and said "I know what you can eat baby". Asshole said it was harrassment. Now I'm banned for Denny's.
Click to expand...


MOM?!?!
 
Raina said:
I like to think of my fanny pack as "jewelry for my pants". Some people stare at it but I know it's out of jealousy.

I also find that I meet more men because I always smell like fries. Last week this guy came up to me and said "excuse me, do you have fries on you". Part of me knew that it was a pick up line but the other part of me was just scared that he would try to steal them. Well, I just ended up bursting into tears and yelling "get your own damn potatoes mother fucker". He seemed startled
Click to expand...

Things like that always happen to me. Lots of girls always want to kiss me pretending it tastes french fries in my mouth. I don't know why since I brush my teeth and never eat french fries.
 
tomlays said:
Things like that always happen to me. Lots of girls always want to kiss me pretending it tastes french fries in my mouth. I don't know why since I brush my teeth and never eat french fries.
Click to expand...

Now I am pretty distrubed by your "no french fry" comment. As for brushing your teeth, that's against my religion.

You see, there is a big government plot against my religion (out of fear of persecution I refuse to reveal it's name). They've got the dentists and doctors out there preaching "brush your teeth". "Brushing your teeth prevents gum disease". "Fresh breath is cool". It's all just a plot against my people. Well, when everyone else is burning in hell for having minty fresh breath, I'll be up on a little cloud laughing my ass off.

That fuzzy buildup of stuff on your teeth is actually a reincarnation of loved ones and other spiritual beings. Ya'll like to call it plaque. Here are all these little spirtitual beings all over your teeth...and all you people just scrape them off and kill them. How would you like to be a reincarnated spiritual being and die a horrifying death drowning in listerine. I need to stop talking about this....I'm getting upset.
 
I try to brush my teeth every five minutes or so. the dentist says my teeth are clear b/c I've scraped off all the enamel - but I think he's just jealous of my aparent dedication.
I also have a case of certs breath mints at my desk at work, my desk here at home, and in the map pocket of the door of my car.
I'm pretty hardcore so I don't just suck on them. I either crush em up and snort the fuckers, or I'll put them in an eyedropper with some rubbing alcohol and just do eye drops of them.
if you can't see, then you know its working.
 
HappyScrappy said:
LOL - I said that exactly in hopes that danielson might wander in :D
Click to expand...

:doublefi: ;)

we have free dental healthcare mutha fucka.....free! sub-standard, but free!

and it is british with one 't' ya stoopid yank :D
 
The Nature Boy said:
HS you need to start taking your medication again.
Click to expand...

if my medication comes in 40oz and smells of piss, then I'm on my 4th medication of the evening.
I should probably start drinking some of it, b/c right now my clothes are drenched and I'm starting to catch a chill.
 
HappyScrappy said:


whatever mary poppins - a spoonful of sugar and my ass motherfucker
Click to expand...

go ruin some perfectly good earl grey asswipe

(and try and blame red indians while your at it :D )
 
Hey-- speaking of dentists, I need to ask if this has happened to anyone else. Have you ever had them put you under so they could do some drilling etc and woke up with your ass bleeding and your pockets full of feathers?? What's up with that??
 
I had my wisdom teeth taken out in college and I never had the feathers thing, but my lips were cut all to hell... he said I had a small mouth.
I told him he had purdy lips.
my ass was bleeding, but I can't rule out that it wasn't like that prior to going in there.

on normal check ups at the dentist though, I'd have to say the two worst parts are the drilling and the rectal exam...
 
HappyScrappy said:
I had my wisdom teeth taken out in college and I never had the feathers thing, but my lips were cut all to hell... he said I had a small mouth.
I told him he had purdy lips.
my ass was bleeding, but I can't rule out that it wasn't like that prior to going in there.

on normal check ups at the dentist though, I'd have to say the two worst parts are the drilling and the rectal exam...
Click to expand...

i dont know what i love more, this thread or the fact that the avatar you have is perfectly suited to it :lmao:
 
I haven't laughed this hard since HappyScrappy tried out for the Ukrainian Women's olympic luge team and got disqualified for practicing in nothing but garters, a girtle (sp), and a AC/DC headband. Personally, i thought it showed style.


oh and for the post
:FRlol: :FRlol: :FRlol: :FRlol: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
 
Freak Show said:
I haven't laughed this hard since HappyScrappy tried out for the Ukrainian Women's olympic luge team and got disqualified for practicing in nothing but garters, a girtle (sp), and a AC/DC headband. Personally, i thought it showed style.
Click to expand...

you would *think* that I would have learned a lesson from that - but noooooo, guess who got tossed out of the gym yesterday for "improper attire" - they fined me too!
those fuckers. but there is no way I'm gonna do squats totally naked - I needed that jock strap.
on my head.
guess I *should* have been using my own.
 
HS you are one funny mofo.

I'll have what HS is having.

<HS is currently having, vicadin, caprisun, a tub of astroglide, a rubber chicken, 2 mute female sex slaves, winger playing in the background, and a bucket of chicken>

That's what I want. he's got it made.
 
Raina said:


I'm sorry to hear about Denny's. That place is SO nice. I bet they're really choosy and aloof about who gets the priviledge of working there. One time I was there and the waiter asked what I wanted to eat. I thew a leg up on the table, pointed to my crotch and said "I know what you can eat baby". Asshole said it was harrassment. Now I'm banned for Denny's.
Click to expand...

I had to tell you...I am sorry for what happened. No, but I really wanted to take a bite of your crotch but my boss was there and would have never allowed me to do so. I feel sorry if we had to ban you. Is your eating offer still stand? I don't work there anymore!
 
The Nature Boy said:




<HS is currently having, vicadin, caprisun, a tub of astroglide, a rubber chicken, 2 mute female sex slaves, winger playing in the background, and a bucket of chicken>
Click to expand...

Is that it ?!!
 
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by The Nature Boy




<HS is currently having, vicadin, caprisun, a tub of astroglide, a rubber chicken, 2 mute female sex slaves, winger playing in the background, and a bucket of chicken>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is that it ?!!


I always have the same thing except I am having 3 mute female sex slaves instead of 2. ;)
 
Happy Scrappy is my Hero

The freaky hot thing was rad...I have a b-d-a scene due on tuesday for a playwriting class, and I'm going to plunder this for it...I hope you don't mind, not that I would give a fuck, since you sure as hell can't copyright a post on these boards...

the class has been overrun by scenes and one-acts from what I call the "cancer-grandma" genre of college-fried theatre...that is, a bunch of pansies contemplating life and love while in the hospital waiting room where gamma's dying...I am not a sentimentalist

Anyway, just imagine your words spoken by a bunch of nervous, skinny, hippy theatre majors shaking in their Gortex doc martens and hemp shirts, whining that I'm always trying to be "sooo david lynch" and that they "just don't get it...don't think that anything I don't get is worth reading."

Fuck them. Fuck all of them. I can't wait to see them try to improv this...yes, oh yes. I need to go work out.
 
HappyScrappy said:
ladymacbeth - I hear ya sister - I was an art major :)
Click to expand...

I could tell by your avatar...but, fuck, who does that! argh! Is it the same dude who does The Preacher? I can't remember...blugh.
 
depends what avatar you are seeing. if you see Piss Christ, then that is Serrano.
if you see a strange looking guy, then it is just bug eyed earl from RedMeat which is done by Max Cannon
 
ladymacbeth said:


I could tell by your avatar...but, fuck, who does that! argh! Is it the same dude who does The Preacher? I can't remember...blugh.
Click to expand...

Garth Ennis? never expected to see The Preacher referenced here...
 
Today wasn't nearly as fascinating as yesterday was, but just your standard fare really. Well, I did win the lottery today. But other than that, no biggie. And the fight. There was that too.
It started as I was finishing up my weekend chest and bis day (I have the early week chest and bi day, then I have the mid week chest and bi day, and then the weekend chest and bi day - I laugh at those guys at the gym that do it like everyday - that is SOOO overtraining).
Anyway, I was beat from doing like 2 whole sets of bi curls with them shiny mirrored DBs and all. Those are wicked heavy. For chest I did cable flyes just sort of flailing around on the ground and screaming. I know that it works my chest really well because people will gather around and point and talk to each other. They are likely exchanging comments of awe at my physique and intensity. Today was the first day I tried Supersizeme's idea of wearing floaties on my arms. I think I had a pretty amazing pump going.
I decided it was time to leave the gym so I just tossed down the DBs I had, screamed, grabbed my crotch and lifted a bit, and then hit a most musclular in the mirror. I held my breath so that the veins in my head started popping out and I changed color. Veins are a sign that you are in good shape.
Then I just stood up and strutted my way out the door, high fiving anyone I passed along the way - or really mainly doing the "OH! too SLOW!" on them. they always fall for that. They have to think I'm so cool there.
I go next door to the 7-11 there to get my post workout Slurpee (cherry gives me the best pump). And what do I see, but this little bitch is just standing there hogging the Slurpee machine. I was all like, "get the hell out of my way you ignorant slut!" at her, and so she's all like "I'm gonna tell my mommy on you" and so I'm all like "ooooo, scary - don't SCARE me..."
She then kicked me in the shin and I swung at her, but she was too quick and landed a solid uppercut in my nuts. I reached out to pull her hair and she bit my finger. That wasn't cool at all, so I cried. But it was a manly sort of crying - the only real thing to do when hunch over holding yourself on the floor of a 7-11 at the mercy of a 7 year old girl.
She spit on me and ran out the door to get a parent. I used the opportunity to get a Slurpee now that she was no longer hogging the machine.
When I went to the counter I saw that they had lottery tickets there - even the scratch and win ones! Well, I'm like always scratching shit - my ass, my balls, other people's eyes - I'm like really good at it. So I'm like, scratch AND win - sounds too good to be true - I'll take 5. Sure enough, I was pretty damn sure I won after scratching them all off.
I was pumped! I immediatly started thinking of all the stuff I was gonna buy - and I turned around and screamed at the rest of the customers "you are all worthless trash - BOW DOWN TO ME - I could buy and sell your souls you shits!!"
Then I turned back to the register and asked the man how much I won. He informed me it was $5 on one ticket, and $2 on another. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't win more, but it really is hard to beat that rush of being the big winner for the day. So I still walked out of the store with my head held high, and my arms up over my head, chanting queen songs and pointing at random people and saying "YEAH BABY!"
Then I wandered off to the parking lot to find my car.
 
Last edited:
I just got yelled here at work. They said my attitude lacked professionalism. When I tried to ask what they meant by that, they gave me some bullshit about calling the CEO "donkey dick" and also said it was "unprofessional" of me to refer to the women in the office as "Sweet Tits". There was some vague reference to my lack of pants, but it was sort of... overshadowed let's say, by the fact that at least one of the women here complained that my behvior in the kitchen was unacceptable. I wasn't paying that much attention, so I don't know what it was that pissed her off - but it was likely either me calling her breasts "fun bags" or the fact that I was batting them around and taunting her before I'd let her get coffee.
Some people are so uptight and touchy.
 
I'm with you HS. My office is all uptight too. What's with everyone getting so pissy if you don't wear pants?? I came in last week wearing just body paint and they were all "you can't do that at work". Apparently they don't see it as art. Today I'm wearing a shirt made of electical tape. It took a while to assemble it this morning but I hope my manager doesn't jump down my throat about it. Unproffesional my ass. I show up on time, I keep the cussing to a minimum, AND I try to keep the cage of chickens I bring with me to keep me copmany quiet, I don't get what their problem is.
:rolleyes:
 
at first I thought the pants uptightness was just them being uptight - but someone more recently said that they had gotten used to seeing my pasty white thighs - it was my erection that really gave them the willies. sometimes I just wish my mom wouldn't say anything.

I played a funny joke on the guy in the cube next to me just now. He was on the phone with " a client" - whatever - and we like to play little pranks on each other when that is the case. He was trying to be all polite - so I thought I'd just do something funny. I snuck up behind him and then hit him on the back of the head with his keyboard - he dropped his coffee and his forehead hit the table... I think I might have pulled my left lat in the process - that jerk.
 
I hope you didn't hurt yourself. It's hard to be injured. If you did though, keep in mind that you can still go to the gym. Some days I am just too tired to lift. So I get dressed up in my purple spandex thong leotard (with my fanny pack of course) and head to the gym. I always feel like I'm getting a good workout just wearing althletic clothing. Anyhow, I just wander around giving people tips. Like on Sunday, there was a fat chick on a bike and I just said "hey honey, you'd better speed up and stay on there for an hour or three because your ass is huge". She looked at me with tears in her eyes and it made my day. It's a good feeling to know that your inspiration moves people to tears. Some people say I should charge people for my advise, but I like to think of myself as a good samaratin. I love to give.
 
raina, you are a good person, very good.
I'm the same way, but I always feel like I'm getting a good workout just wearing catholic clothing. I suppose its because when I dress up as a priest and walk around flipping people off and cursing, people seem to want to fight more. and nothing gives you a workout like a good fight. unless the person is blind - those shitbags can't fight for shit.

Give advice out at the gym is very important. I usually try to do it in the shower where I do most of my stretching. People take men more seriously when they can show they are limber while naked.
 
Seriously HS, I'm not cocky, but I think that you and I could qualify for sainthood. A homeless guy came up to me last week and told me he was hungry. I told him that he didn't look very hungry since he was kind of fat. I told him maybe his situation was god's way of suggesting he lose a few. I think it gave him something to think about.

I love to give out religious advise. A friend of mine was going through some tough times recently and asked what I thought. I asked if she'd ever considered that maybe god really really had it in for her. I'm sure that helped.
 
people come to me for advice a lot too - and it is really amazing - you are right - that most of the time you just need to remind them that bad things happen to bad people. it seems to help them get through tough times.

in the gym, the number one question I get asked is "what the fuck is wrong with you?" - usually I just laugh that one off since I know they are just jealous. I then tell them that nothing is in fact wrong, but instead oh so VERY right. and that in order to get like me, those fat fucks need more tomatoes.
 
Well shit I wasn't going to get involved in this thread until you all started talking about how people are asking you for advice all the time. The most common question I get asked during squats is usually "Hey do those science class goggles really help?" My normal response is to nod my head and then run over to the emergency shower that my gym has for people who accidentally sweat too much and don't have a towel. I pull the cord and sit there while the water pours over my head and i'm looking at those kids with my goggles on like "yeah see i don't even have to shut my eyes." Then I run back over to the squat machine where I continue to fuse plates together with the bunsen burner I brought in. People never seem to be able to grasp the basics of this game.
 
I have so much to learn here - thank you supersizeme. I'm a sponge yearning for knowledge. until recently I had only been using floaties while doing squats - and you introduced me to the idea of full time floaties usage in the gym. then I must say, I've *never* worn science goggles during squats - I always use them during bent over kick back dumbell crunch presses. they are slightly complicated and there is a lot of flailing involved, as are most of my moves - so I want some eye protection there for me.
also, you never know when you might get shot in the face with a low powered shotgun.
 
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