Calling all ONE-liners...

[Kakdiesel]

please deliver your best..i'd like to learn a few..

I'll start:

"Fucked up like a three-legged cat taking a shit on a frozen pond"

 

[H_T_]

running around like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

 

[Kakdiesel]

sweating like a black guy writing a check

 

[HS Lifter]

having the handle "jerseyart".

 

[JayC9]

sweating like a black guy writing a check

forgive me if I don't laugh

 

[Kakdiesel]

what does that link say?

 

[BUBBLES]

"Ain't I the fuckin' asshole?"

 

[rushx79]

hotter than a whore-house on nickel-night.

 

[sonic_death_monkey]

more nervous than a long tailed cat in a rockin chair factory

 

[blut wump]

about as useful as a thick coat in summer.

 

[bluepeter]

having the handle "jerseyart".

Best one eva.

 

[bluepeter]

Your momma is so fat her blood type is Ragu.

 

[bullett]

Hot as a mink in a wool basket...

My grandpa used to say that all the time...

ANd then my granny would follow with,...Shut The Fuck Up!..

 

[blut wump]

About as much use as a pink dumbell at a power meet.

 

[AAP]

Happy as a sissy at muscle camp.

 

[cornfish]

I'm sweating like a whore in church

 

[Scotsman]

Wow this is like watching the blind lead the retarded

Well fuck me runnin

Why don't you go play a nice game of hide and go fuck yourself

Cheers,
Scotsman

 

[IvanOffelitch]

(insert person/object/event here) is/are/was about as fucked up as a football bat.
(my personal favorite, been using it for 20+ years )

You couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.

You/re/that's about as useless as tits on a boar hog.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

I couldn't hit dirt if I fell off a horse (particularly useful during any sports-related slump)

Sweating like a fifty-cent French whore on payday.

 

[Ish]

That's as wrong as two boys fucking.

 

[coverguy]

About as much fun as a sleep over at the Neverland Ranch.

 

[SoKlueles]

that car couldnt drag a greasy string out of a cats ass


my dad used that one

 

[jnevin]

hung like a hamster

 

[Kakdiesel]

Dumber than a day old redneck baby

 

[Deterass]

running around like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Its tired or busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

 

[Deterass]

Dumber than a day old redneck baby

Dude.......that one really sucked.

 

[Kakdiesel]

Dude.......that one really sucked.

i had to change the original verbage as many might be sensitive to the actual comical original.

 

[*MissFit*]

when a guy touches me in a club.." this is not a petting zoo"

 

[Deterass]

My dad told me this once after i crashed my bike jumping a homemade ramp with my buddies at around ten years old.

"If your gonna be stupid you gotta be tough."

I still use it on people........lol

 

[Y_lifter]

Hotter than a 2 peckered Billy goat.
Well Shit Fire and Save the matches..
Jesus Mary and Joseph (my mom used that one on me all the time)
Just when you thought it couldn't get any more humid out, it rains.
Well Slap me naked and hide my clothes..
I'll hit you so hard yo Mamma'l fall down

 

[Deterass]

when a guy touches me in a club.." this is not a petting zoo .........this is!" *as i slide his hand to my crotch*

Wow......my kinda gal.

 

[Kakdiesel]

hit you so hard your babies will be crazy

 

[Kakdiesel]

more fucked up than a black guy's check book

 

[*MissFit*]

The only guy worth chasing is the one in your dreams.. and he doesn't exist

 

[Y_lifter]

I'm so damn poor I can't even pay attention

 

[Kakdiesel]

Cheaper than a jew buying christmas gifts

 

[Kakdiesel]

About as queer as a football bat.

 

[jnevin]

Cheaper than a jew buying christmas gifts

banned

 

[Deterass]

As small as Hamstershavers's penis.

 

[Kakdiesel]

banned

obviously you dont get the irony

 

[jnevin]

obviously you dont get the irony

It wasn't hard to get. What's "ironic" about black folks and check books? While we're on the subject?

 

[Kakdiesel]

i was referring to the Jewish person and Christmas. But now on the topic of black people and check books? Its just a joke. A one liner. I'm as liberal as they come but a joke is a joke. take it for what its worth.

 

[Lestat]

forgive me if I don't laugh

fuck sorry man, i accidentally bombed you but I meant to hit hs lifter and now I am out of karma for the day...

 

[Guvna]

You couldn't

good ones always start off like this. Unfortunately, I cant htink of any right now.

 

[theoak01]

my dad said this to me once he goes"son your about as useful as tits on a bull"

 

[wootoom]

like a queer eatin a weiner

 

[dahamn]

http://www.funny2.com/jokes.htm


Dave

 

[Lestat]

yer gayer then a football bat

 

[geoboy]

"if I want any shit out of you, I'll squeeze your head"

 

[n0th1ng]

You're so ugly you couldn't get laid in a house full of blind nymphos.

 

[dahamn]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Dave

 

[Lestat]

yer geigher then a bottle of chips

 

[geoboy]

"Did the Short Bus bring you here?"

 

[Raptorex]

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

 

[gjohnson5]

You're so stank you made right guard go left

 

[JayC9]

fuck sorry man, i accidentally bombed you but I meant to hit hs lifter and now I am out of karma for the day...

?

No worries m8, when I go Plat I'll be sure to return the favour

 

[CrazyRussian]

Fuck me in the ass and call me Richard

I always use this one..

 

[juiceddreadlocks]

more nervous than a long tailed cat in a rockin chair factory

LOL.

 

[Kakdiesel]

who bombed me??losers.

 

[Lestat]

?

No worries m8, when I go Plat I'll be sure to return the favour

lol..