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This guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, "anything but Natural light".
Why not Natural Light the bartender say's, "you always drink Natural Light"?
"Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks".
Well, the bartender say's, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that’s no big deal...
"You don’t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!"
*********************************
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "
**********************************
wo guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"
"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"
"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two $20's here?" The man slurs back,
"He shit in my pants, too."
**************************
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
****************************
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."
Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.
"What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out..."
"After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled..."
"Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied."
When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.
The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??"
Why not Natural Light the bartender say's, "you always drink Natural Light"?
"Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks".
Well, the bartender say's, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that’s no big deal...
"You don’t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!"
*********************************
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "
**********************************
wo guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"
"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"
"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two $20's here?" The man slurs back,
"He shit in my pants, too."
**************************
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
****************************
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."
Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.
"What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out..."
"After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled..."
"Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied."
When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.
The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??"
