Okay, did you get married? At least my ex's don't hate me and you've expressed how much your wiminz hates you. Don't judge me for not buying into the American dream...I judge you for being sheeple and not following your conscience.
Like you, I've seen things that most people are lucky enough to never see. I find comfort in the small, simple happy parts of my day. Keeps me from reliving shit I should just forget. And I like that now I notice the good stuff, I couldn't see it a few years ago. You seem to take comfort in other people's pain. I don't see how that can help.
P.S. You're a good son, I'm certain that your mother would forgive you.