And now deap thoughts, by jack Handy.

[big_bad_buff]

this stuff is hilarious.


Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said: Watch for Rocks. Marta said it should read: Watch for Pretty Rocks. I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says: 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said: I helped skin Bob.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be 'Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something'.

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity happen.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing for a flea? To get caught in a watch somehow. Hey, you don't even care, do you?

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

 

[big_bad_buff]

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say: Think again, bat man.

I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Sometimes I wish I were dead. No, wait. Not me — you.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is: Can't you make it shoot farther? 'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.'

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

 

[notoriousQQ]

Those are great. I had a bong back in high school, and eventually went to college with, named Jack Handy. Cool thing is I would say "mom, dad, I'm going out with Jack Handy, I'll be back after while" Or, they would ask what I did and I could honestly reply anything like "went to the movies with Jack Handy"

 

[Hannibal]

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

 

[doffmaster]

I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was the one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine.

Later I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn't really the best Thanksgiving.

 

[TNH]

Those are great....Jack Handy cracks me up.

 

[skaman607]

I used to have an uncle, we called him uncle caveman, because he lived in a cave, and sometimes he'd eat one of us, I later found out he was a bear.