About my son. I need advice.

[ChefWide]

I am a very, very lucky man. I most often am at a loss for words when i comes to how blessed I feel: I love my wife, I like where I live, I have a great job that lets me live comfortably, I am on the road to liking myself more and more (that takes a long time), but above all other things, I have three healthy, beautiful sons (in my gallery if you want.)

Perfect? Of course not, but so full of life and deep, deep belly laughs and song that I can't even imagine a life any other way. All three guys are saturated with music (asside from the obvious, I am also a bluesman do a blues radio show every week). My two youngest boys are very athletic and naturally very low body fat for their ages.

Here is my concern. My oldest is like me. Even at just 10 years old he is much too much like me for me to be inactive about a growing problem. He is overweight. Not obese, not the thickest kid in class, but I can see how it is starting to effect his everyday view of himself, and it is tearing me up.

I lived a good portion of my childhood afraid to take my shirt off on the football field, terrified of being on the 'skins' team, a pile of shit self image that I am certain still effects me in ways I barely understand at near 40 years old. I discovered cycling while a teenager and used to compete for years, so my body image was no longer real: I still felt I looked fat, still selfconcious about taking my shirt off at the beach, even at low bf%'s... all from my experiences being a 'thick' kid.

I CANNOT let this incredibly funny, talented, sensitive, smart kid go through that. I cant. I have some ideas of where to go, and plan on starting a daddy and son thing in the mornings every other day with him. We have always wanted to climb a mountain together (the one in my gallery) and that is my goal for us, to train walking and swimming in the mornings to get us to that peak in August.

What I am asking is this: do any of you parents out there have, or have you been through, a similiar situation? What worked for you? What failed?

I love my kids so much it makes me ache sometimes, I cannot and will not let my oldest down.

 

[ohashi]

I am not a parent, but I have been where your son is right now. Obviously, an active lifestyle (more active) is the answer; but how do you get a child of 10 to start exercising, hard? The only possible answer is a team sport of some sort, or a martial art. See how he would feel about being on a youth soccer team or a basketball team, and check out some of the local dojos with him. Just don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to - dreading to go to a practice that you do not like is a terrible, terrible feeling.

Other than that... I assume that you do not have junk food lying around your house and the like. Your other two kids are lean, so genetics might dictate that your 10-year-old will leans out after a growth spurt, but it might also happen that he will be like you and have to work hard to lean out.

The best you can do is get him interested in an active lifestile and begin instilling in him proper nutritional habbits. No age is too young for that, I feel.

 

[Hojo]

Take all 3 off you sons swiming 2 or 3 times a week, or have them go with their friends.




edit just let them fun and don't try to train them make it fun.

 

[jnuts]

I'm not there yet with my kids, but I have thought about this. They are still too young to be showing any signs of being overweight.

Give him the skills at an early age to overcome the obstacle. Tell him what you went through as a child and the effects is still has on you.

I guess... do what you are planning to do with the mountain thing, but also talk to him about the effect the weight had on your mental/emotional development. I think the discussion part would be a big part of the sucess or failure. The change for him will have to come from within, this is where the communication would help.

 

[AAP]

There is a chance that a little thing called puberty could change all that. I have seen it happen before.

Else, take up active family activities. Basketball, martial arts, etc..

 

[Bikini Mod]

Gotta run for now, but I'll post up later.

You're a good daddy and I totally understand stressing about not wanting your children to suffer through the things that you did as a child or even just stressing over them being hurt by life - PERIOD. But bear in mind, that it is impossible for you to protect your children from all of the "evils" of growing up.

Gotta go for now.

 

[ChefWide]

The change for him will have to come from within, this is where the communication would help.

Durring the past weeks we have had some more, "This is what it was like for me" talks, and he is really getting into relating his life with stories of my life at his age, our latest bedtime talk thing has progressed into "Tell me more about when you were little." I am trying to avoid any major negative stories if I can, but not at the expence of truth or being open and just talking 'tween us guys. I think that this has me moving into good place, I want it to be a good place for us all.

He really looks up to me so much... I want to live up to that admiration and love by not having go through the same crap I went through.

 

[jnuts]

But bear in mind, that it is impossible for you to protect your children from all of the "evils" of growing up.

Protecting and equipping are two different things. I think he wants to equip his child with the tools to avoid the situation he had growing up. Or maybe that's how I'm reading it. I've been up all night, so my mental faculties are a bit dim.....

 

[ChefWide]

B'mom: Pain>Growth>Strength

Emotional and physical.

I understand that. I live and and have lived that, as most of us have and hopefully will continue to do so. That does not mean that a kid should have to be set up for more pain, life will through enough stones in his passway all by itself, regardless of what i do.
However, if by hyper-involving myself in this one aspect of his life, a situation I know from the inside out, I can help to minimize a genetic stumbling block, then I will.

AAP: we are looking at a Father/Son Judo thing next monday afternoon. I would LOVE that! Fingers crossed he is into it. Puberty. that was a fun time... I think if i get the ball the rolling, then either way its a win. For both of us.


Jnuts: your on target. thats the goal.

 

[CipherLock]

Hey Chef

What about your families eating habits? Can you start cooking up the square meals in such a way that you map out his macronutrients into a better ratio without any hint of diet?
My mother did this to my father. He didn’t notice and she went about all the family cooking in this same way and before too long my father started loosing weight while us kids didn’t notice anything different other than a new menu.

 

[ChefWide]

Hey Chef

What about your families eating habits? Can you start cooking up the square meals in such a way that you map out his macronutrients into a better ratio without any hint of diet?
My mother did this to my father. He didn’t notice and she went about all the family cooking in this same way and before too long my father started loosing weight while us kids didn’t notice anything different other than a new menu.

Been trying that. The rub is that typical Icelandic food.. well.. SUCKS. Its starch held to gether by a paste of salt, fat and table sugar....

well not that bad, but pretty bad.

I am trying to get that accross but am getting some resistance from SWMBO, not sure why. I think she is under the impression that by interjecting some altered nutritional thinking into the main family menu that I am accusing her of something... working on that too....

 

[CipherLock]

...some altered nutritional thinking into the main family menu that I am accusing her of something... working on that too....

That's rough. There's always Dr. Phil. lol.

I guess he is too young for Winny or Deca huh?

 

[onerepmaximum]

My kids aren't that old, my oldest will be 8 next month and the other two are way younger. I don't have that concern right now, but I know how you feel wanting them to avoid the heartaches you went through. My only advice is never let him (or them) wonder if you really care. Spend at least a part of every day showing them that they are at the top of your priority list. From the sound of things, you are already doing that. I think that as long as you are an active part of their daily lives, small problems will stay small, and potential big problems can be fixed or at least addressed before they become big problems. All this makes sense to me because it's in my head. Hopefully you can sift through it and make some sense out of it too. Good luck bro.

 

[big4life]

I'm not a parent, but I like the judo idea. If that doesn't work find something that he is interested in. There is always the old favorite, hiking. I think that most kids his age would love to get out in the woods and explore.


BTW. Nice looking kids.

 

[jerkbox]

a friend of mine had parents that I thought had a great philosophy in terms of keeping thier kids active - they insisted that they play a sport every season of the year.

the sport was their choice, but they had to do it. they had to play a sport in the fall winter and spring, summers were off. It wasn't the overzealous insane parent forcing thier kids to be a professional athelete or anything like that....just a parent insisting that their kids not be lazy, and not miss out on that experience.

I wish my mother had done this with me, because I didn't really play sports till I got to high school. I plan on doing it with my kids when I have some......

 

[Silent Method]

Active lifestyle, sensible diet.

 

[corythosaurus]

Cut out the obvious. Soda's, cookies, cakes, crap.

Now, take him to the gym with you. I take my son with me, it's great father/son bonding time. We talk about what ever he want's to. Most kids are starving for attention anyway, and you are introducing exercise while giving him the attention he needs.

No weight training at 10, but, walking on the treadmill (my son thinks it's the coolest thing), swimming, pushups, situps, etc.

 

[Y_lifter]

At 12, my daughter is going through that time many girls go through where she get a bit of a belly.
She has always been fairly thin and is also petite so it stands out.
No where else is she fat, just a tiny bit of pouch in the gut that she is noticing and it bothers her when swimming etc.

The advice I can give it to NOT point it out so much that he is overweight, but to start exercising in some fun way and use the words lets both "Get Healthy" instead of "Lets Lose Weight"..

Especially with girls you have to walk a fine line between nipping the fat gain in the bud and risking anorexia(sp?) etc..

We started taking walks together and bike rides which is Fun to her and I slip in the fact that it will make her STRONGER and Healthier instead of saying it will help you lose weight..

Good luck and think positive throughout this as I remember my Dad constantly telling me not to eat this or that because I was overweight enough already..

 

[gonelifting]

All great responses here. Chef you`re doing a great job but I know how it is when you want to search for the very best possible thing for your family.

Not much help, Just another story.

My cousins kids were getting lazy and a bit overweight until they took up Martial Arts. The whole family did it 3 kids and dad. Now they`re all VERY fit and Black Belts. They ranged from 4 to 12 years old. They became so good that they were taken on tournaments to showcase their abilities (the younger ones) and possible commercial spots. My point is they LOVED doing it and they became very fit.

 

[onerepmaximum]

Y_lifter brings up a great point. My 4 year old girl is already saying things like, "I can't eat more because mybelly is too big." She has an aunt that is 10 or 11 and her mom is always telling her that she is too fat and really makes her feel like there is something wrong with her. Serious damage can be done if handled improperly. I don't get the impression that is happening in your situation, but it happens a lot.

 

[Raina]

I agree with everyone else that you can get him involved in more physical activity without making it about weight. I found that being in athletics taught me a lot about goal setting, time management, teamwork, etc. Plus it increased my self-confidence and introduced me to kids I might not have met otherwise.

I think the father-son class sounds awesome! It would be a neat bonding experience. Your family could try to do more activity as a group too. When I lived at home we often went on long family walks, hikes, and bike rides. It's phyically good for everyone and also a nice chance to bond.

 

[the nature boy]

i know this has been said but do physical activities with your kid(s). the martial arts thing is a good idea, or soccer. athletics of all sorts keep one in shape but more importantly improve self esteem.

 

[ChefWide]

Great responses all, thanks, makes a big difference when you can ask these kind of questions openly with a group of people that lead an active life. I am not sure how much I would respect the answers recieved from the pasty green paunchy programmers I work with all day

I am an overachiever and a perfectionist to the point of hampering positive growth for myself, I REALLY will work on avoiding imposing on my boys the unrealistic expectation/disappointment cycle that I set for myself.

VERY good vibe on avoiding the entire question of weight, I have been stressing that heavily(pardon the pun) with my wife, and we have both decided that stressing the 'stronger, healthier, faster' thing is the way to go.

I have always wanted the strength and focus that a martial art would give me internally, and the whole ritual/gadget aspect is a big intial turn on for the guy(s) as well, so hopefully this will be a great new start for everyone concerned. REALLY looking forward to the next weeks.

kind of an off-shoot question: You folks that study martial arts, what do you suggest? We are going to look at a Judo class on monday, but what other forms do you think would be good for the dad/son(s) program?

 

[Sub-Zero]

if your kid expressed this to you, it is ALOT easier, because then you can take him to the gym with you, help him eat healthy, etc and it will also help him down the line.

if its something you noticed but he doesnt talk to you about, then i guess trying to organize activity for him is good...


you could also try some sneaks in there, like youd be a good wrestler, or a good football player, and get him interested in it so he wants to...


i was/still sort of am where your kid is cept im almost 16 now...

if your desperate youc an do what my mom and dad used to try and do for a while, and say i need to be more social and get out of the house, or you could be mean and limmit TV and stuff so he has no choice but to either read(and dont buy him books) or to go outside and play

 

[the nature boy]

kind of an off-shoot question: You folks that study martial arts, what do you suggest? We are going to look at a Judo class on monday, but what other forms do you think would be good for the dad/son(s) program?

i've taken a couple of judo seminars when I used to take TKD, it was cool, but it's not the most active martial art. at least from what I saw. Every place is different though. Ask questions when you go.

 

[Y_lifter]

My Daughter started taking TKD at 7 I think, and has Sr 1st Degree Black Belt before she stopped going 2 years ago due to not having enough time to dedicate to go further..

Tae Kwon Do is very much into local and regional competitions where the child get to become accustomed to performing in front of Judges, Peers and crowds of people under increasing pressure as they grow older.
All good things for motivation of self esteem and generally everyone involved takes the effort to make sure even those that don't win feel good about their performance..

Just make sure the instructor is teaching the art the right way and not just all about winning and fighting and being the best.
But being the best YOU can be and respecting your opponent..

 

[sh4dowf4lcon]

CHEF,

I went through this from about 11-14 yrs of age. I wasnt fat, I was "big boned" and strong and thick. Now the type of kids they are around and the way those kids treat them will affect how they view themselves @ an early age. You know what I remeber most about those years? One night my mom picked me up from practice (football @ about 12yrs old) I was sad, not talking...when we got home she and my dad sat me down and told me to tell them what it was. I said I hate being big, I wish I was skinny, and the other kids call me "Big" and the coach calls me "husky". They started telling me how great it was to be the biggest, strongest, and I could even be the fastest, if I wanted to !! They showed me examples of the "little guys" who never play in the games, they pointed out I start on O and D. I played every play of the game, kickoffs, field goals, every single play. I finally realized it was OKAY to be BIG. Those PeeWee football teams won 3 city championships out of 4 years and I was a 2 way player all four years. Team sports can help with self esteem issues.

So you are right, at some point someone will say (if they havent already) damn your fat or damn you cant get a girl or damn...but the key is to make sure this boy knows it is"COOL to BE ME" I may be bigger, but most men want to be bigger...look at all the skinny bastards pumping a gram of test so they can be thick and strong. Men want to be big, BIG is dominant, BIG is good, Big is cool. Now fat sucks, but BIG and Athletic is Grand.

So like everyone else said, get him in more athletics, soccer, football, hiking, karate, something for him to sharpen his coordination. When I started hitting my growth spurts in middle school and high school it all worked out. I was active from an early age, and it helped me deal with the issue you described with your boy.

Peace & proseperity my brother.

 

[the nature boy]

My Daughter started taking TKD at 7 I think, and has Sr 1st Degree Black Belt before she stopped going 2 years ago due to not having enough time to dedicate to go further..

Tae Kwon Do is very much into local and regional competitions where the child get to become accustomed to performing in front of Judges, Peers and crowds of people under increasing pressure as they grow older.
All good things for motivation of self esteem and generally everyone involved takes the effort to make sure even those that don't win feel good about their performance..

Just make sure the instructor is teaching the art the right way and not just all about winning and fighting and being the best.
But being the best YOU can be and respecting your opponent..

I think the whole competitions thing is a fucking scam.

 

[Mr. dB]

Here is my concern. My oldest is like me. Even at just 10 years old he is much too much like me for me to be inactive about a growing problem. He is overweight. Not obese, not the thickest kid in class, but I can see how it is starting to effect his everyday view of himself, and it is tearing me up.

If he's a bit big for his age, I don't thing that 10 is too young to start with some supervised weightlifting.

 

[Y_lifter]

Originally posted by The Nature Boy
I think the whole competitions thing is a fucking scam.

Maybe so in your experience.. Some are...
Some are not, as with hers.

Martial arts CHAIN schools can be the worst for having tons of
levels and belts etc to keep you coming back, paying for each test
etc..

But it did help with her self esteem and being able to
perform / speak in front of others..

 

[Bikini Mod]

B'mom: Pain>Growth>Strength

Emotional and physical.

I understand that. I live and and have lived that, as most of us have and hopefully will continue to do so. That does not mean that a kid should have to be set up for more pain, life will through enough stones in his passway all by itself, regardless of what i do.
However, if by hyper-involving myself in this one aspect of his life, a situation I know from the inside out, I can help to minimize a genetic stumbling block, then I will.

AAP: we are looking at a Father/Son Judo thing next monday afternoon. I would LOVE that! Fingers crossed he is into it. Puberty. that was a fun time... I think if i get the ball the rolling, then either way its a win. For both of us.


Jnuts: your on target. thats the goal.

Forgive me if I came across judgementally. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I didn't have the time and mental energy to devote to a proper response... got the time now, but no mental energy.

I DID read Chefwide's motivations properly, I only spoke to them improperly. Forgive me.

All I meant by that comment was that sometimes we, as parents, beat ourselves up for having a less than desired result while our intentions were THE BEST. And I just didn't want Chefwide to be "beating himself up" over this....

I KNOW he is an excellent parent with the best of intentions... actually if more parents cared 1/2 as much as he and his wife so obviously do, then this world would be 1000% better - PERIOD!

For me, a similar struggle goes on, but on the opposite side of the coin. I grew up a fat kid and developed eating disorders and very low selfesteem (with a few other factors). My girls are all skinny (at least they were until I GAVE custody to their father - since then they had developed HORRIBLE eating habits - they eat what they want, when they want as he could care less about them and they hardly ever go outside to play. The reasons for this are too bizaare to list.) and I have bent over backwards for them to learn and understand healthy eating habits and the benefits of exercise not for their appearance, but because I want them to understand the importance of being STRONG AND HEALTHY. The aesthetic aspect (though important when YOU are the fat kid as it does hurt you very badly) is only a secondary benefit.

Gosh, there is so much I want to say but I just don't have any energy and the board is so helpful and you and your wife are EXCELLENT parents.

I want so much to help you with this in some small way, but I am afraid that right now I have nothing helpful to add. Forgive me.

 

[indyjones]

Chef.

My kids do judo, brazilian jiu jitsu and wrestling. I am involved as a coach or student with them It's a great bonding experience. After practice we go out to eat and talk about any new moves. We also compete in the same tournaments. So, we workout together (to get ready for the tournaments).

So, if there are days they don't want to work out, I ask themto help me workout.

I let them do burpees with 5 or 8 pound hex dumbells. pushups, dips, situps, ab wheel, hanging from a chin up bar etc.

As far as which sport is better I think it depends on your son.

As far as how hard practice is

hardest wrestling 2hrs (30-45 minutes bodyweight exercises and game) the rest of time drills and new moves

BJJ 15 min body weight exercises 45 min moves and drills then 30 minutes grappling(optional) 4 minute matches 1 minute rest. If the kid wants to do one match and thats all.. thats ok

judo 10 min exercise/warmup 50 min moves and drills

So go to some classes in your area and see which one you son would enjoy.

It's important to find something that he can get excited about and want to go there for a long time

hit me with a pm if you need more info