Body image issues and disorders

[nefertiti]

Body dysmorphia. Anorexia. Bulimia. Compulsive overeaters. Excessive exercisers. Everything in between.

We live in a society where women are plagued by disorders that distort their sense of self worth based on how they view their bodies. Our minds continue the cycle by distorting images, obsessing over numbers, and becoming addicted and reliant to the cycles. It's all that much more prevalent in fields where the body is a focal point.

I start this thread as someone who has battled with eating disorders for years, and bulimia for the last six. I found elite because I was seeking another answer. I was tired of hating my body, I was tired of throwing up, I wanted to find another answer, a healthy answer. I found it here amongst this women's forum. I found guidance, and compassion. The lasting legacy of that is to pass it down to others.

I know there are some who are too scared to speak out, and that's ok. I speak for you now. But I want to sticky this thread in case others feel brave and want to share their story. And I am stickying it also in case others want someone to talk to, so they know I am always here, and I understand, and i will be whatever you need me to be. An ear, a friend, a motivator, a confidant.

And let me reassure you that if anything said here ever gets mentioned elsewhere or used to harass you I will personally see to it that this person is banned. This is your safe place if you choose to post publicly. (which i encourage...not just for your sake, but for others who might read our posts and be comforted). if you choose not to, then just here as a friend should you ever need me.

 

[ironwings]

Thanks for sharing Nef. By telling your story you could help another identify their disorder (or for many, addiction as well).

I personally fight everyday to not be obsessed with calories, macros, and my weight on the scale. It is so easy to do so, and can become all consuming. I am in the field full time and my body impacts my business. I have to be aware and in the present as much as possible to not allow a deeply collective disorder leak out. If this means I carry 20% bodyfat instead of 15% - ok. My clients see me as real. It is more important that I am strong, healthy, and extremely happy. I even sometimes get defensive when someone talks to me about tracking my food or counting macros. I understand how important it can be for my goals but I also know how I posses addictive behaviors that completely take me over. Matter of fact, when I am aware I am becoming obsessed, I turn off from anything fitness related. I have to "cleanse" myself. To top all of that my partner is also in the business and works with and see's lots of women. He is flooded with images everyday. I have to remind myself constantly that it isn't about my body but rather our deep connection. Each one of us are so beautiful and real in our own ways - thank goodness.

I know all to well so many lose their battle with the fight. I grew up experiencing addictions of others and am aware of the deep seated possibility of my own. Two important things that I have learned:

1. Disidentify with the person you think you should be. That person is separate from who you are. As long as you hold on to that, your confidence and awareness are distorted.
2. Be aware and present in every moment. Be aware when the obsessions come about. Even when you can't control them, simply being aware that they are happening is a step in the journey.

Thank you so much for opening this up. It is truly important and I hope cleansing for you as well. Your post was so well written.

 

[Cutiebaby]

Excellent thread sticky Nef.
The postings in this thread will be a great aide for the women on this site as it will help them understand and possibly identify as well as relate to some of the problems that many women face.
I truly think that you did a great job with this thread!


Well about me, I have always been a rather small girl. I am currently weighing in around 100 lbs possibly less, I don't go on the scale unless medically needed. I think one of my main issues as to why I am small is the fact that I eat only 1 actual meal a day. Most days I eat a small meal at lunch, a normal dinner, and a snack before bed. For me there is no way that I can eat 6 small meals or even 3 a day for that matter.
When I was 15 years old I was admitted to the hospital for anorexia. I went many years not wanting to look like the rest of my family (what my impression of fat was), not to mention I was a teenager and my looks mattered to me. I survived off of eating about 5 saltine crackers here and there with liquids. I would not eat food, I could not eat food. I had this notion that by not eating I would some how become the skinny waisted big breasted girl that was in magazines!!
I do not suffer from anorexia any longer, though I suffer the consequences. I have conditioned myself to not need to eat, to not feel hungry, and to feel stuffed when I eat a normal sized plate of food. My stomach is not that of a normal person, a cup of coffee fills me up until the next meal.
I am still conscious of my looks and am afraid of becoming too heavy. However I have come along way from where I was at a younger age. I now grasp the concepts of how to lose the weight if added, and how to eat better to protect myself from the weight, etc. With the help of women here and also my husband I know that there are options if needed.

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks to you both for posting up. In my life I have gone through the full spectrum. I have starved myself, I have calorie counted and weighed myself three times a day, I have barely eaten and thrown up, and I have binged and thrown up. I've also worked out ridiculously hard and not eaten nearly enough to compensate for it, and gone months without a period as a result.

I think it's important to have this here, have this out in the open, and take some of the shame out of it. I have had guys here tell me that they also suffer from dysmorphia, though the opposite where they see themselves as smaller than they are. The more I heard that the more I realized how easily passion can turn into an unhealthy obsession. The more we focus, nit pick, and concentrate on perfecting our bodies, the more risk we are at having this become a crutch, having our sense of self with be tied to those tiny imperfections that probably only we can see.

 

[debij]

Well, I think I'll join this conversation... hesitated for a few minutes but my story is a little different. I was always the skinny kid in the family and into my teen years stayed thin. Married very young (16) because I was pregnant. A long story short the guy I married was young too and wanted everything and everyone else out there. So, no matter how much I tried to gain a few pounds in the hopes they'd make my boobs bigger, to losing the weight because he then saw "rolls"nothing worked. Mind you, during this time I never went over 116 & I'm 5ft5in. Its not quite an eating disorder I'm discussing but trying everything I could do to make changes to my body in order to please someone else. Several years ago I really started piling on the pounds, hair was falling out, periods were a mess... I had hypothyroidism. It took 6 months before the doctors could figure out the correct dose of Synthroid for me. Instead of having an understanding, sympathetic husband all he saw was the extra weight. I guess the whole point of my story is I feel I am always trying to look better, change this/change that for others especially him. I thought, "if I change this or do that" there wont be any issues. Now, he is totally paraylzed and an amputee, so he's stuck with me no matter what!!
P.S. After getting my thyroid straight and coming to EF and learning some things I'm down to a weight & size I'm happy with. Thanks for listening ladies!!

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks for sharing!! This isn't just for people with classified disorders, but for anyone who has ever had any kind of issues with their bodies. I definitely went through a nightmare of dating someone who made me more ill by the way he handled what I was doing to myself. he felt my problems were because of him (he WAS in fact my biggest trigger, but they started before he came into the picture), and he let the guilt make him angry. So when I wanted to get help and get better, he got angry and selfish. If I wanted to see a therapist and it was taking time away from him, he sulked (knowing it would cause me to cave in). In his mind I should have just been able to "get better" by the power of my own will and in the end, leaving him was a matter of knowing that I could never get healthy while I was still with him.

I'm glad you've shifted the focus to being happy with yourself rather than abusing your body for someone else.

 

[cindylou]

I cant relate to eating disorders because I've never had one but I know that its not about being thin and looking good.

I would say that was my ultimate superficial goal, looking good, feeling good about myself, and being "at peace" with my body. Which I never found btw....

What I can say is that most of my memorable life I've had disordered eating and disordered body image for sure. After years of super restrictive dieting, I found elitefitness in 2003 and began to eat more healthy, but the disordered eating didnt stop. It got to a point where I considered certain foods "righteous" and other foods "sinful". I made dieting and FOOD my religion when I needed something else in my life. No wonder I was never happy. I was filling a hole that could only be filled with one thing, but it wasnt fitness or dieting. I wish I could feel confident saying that its over since I changed my attitude and my heart almost two years ago, but being pregnant has filled my head with all kinds of crazy thoughts and new self esteem issues that I hadnt felt since I was an early teen. I mean, Im gonna get FAT. Will my husband still love me? Its always a struggle for balance but I'd like to think Im heading in the right direction: healthy, happy and free.

 

[nefertiti]

Cindy...I understand how you feel...it's one of the main worries I had at first, and one of the worries I've always had about getting pregnant. Aside from the hormones, how would I deal with the changes in my body? And I know what it's like to feel like food is running your life.

Again, this isn't a thread just for eating disorders. Please please post up if you ever need to vent about how you're feeling, worries you may have, whatever you need to get off your chest.

 

[Thandie]

What a terrific thread you have started, Nef and I commend you for that, as well as everyone else who had the courage of posting. This will give you more power!

I have never had an eating disorder (God knows I should have).
As a child, I was extremely skinny. If anyone is old enough here; I looked like tweegy from the 70's. I was constantly being made fun of and ridicule on a daily basis. My mother in the meantime was forced feeding me, but nothing really worked. As a result I grew up with some kind of relationship with food. Instead of starving, I ended up obsessed with 'getting my meals in'. I spend most of my life trying to gain weight and after turning, I believe was 47, I accepted who I was and not who I was trying to become. I learned through this whole process that took me 52 years, that I like better who I am, so much more then the woman who I thought was more attractive.
I am still shocked I became a model and nutritionist, considering the experience I had with food as a child and friends and family not finding me attractive for being too thin. But I always say, things don't happen by accident and God knows what he does.

I will always have a very close relationship with food. I have been conditioned to do that from the time I was a todler. Now that I compete, I'm always trying to gain muscles, but, I think that's as a result of spending a lifetime trying to gain weight. The body dysmorphia shows up in a different way, doesn't it..

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks for posting thandie...

The dysmorphia of imagining yourself as smaller than you are is definitely also a huge issue in the body building and fitness world, and it can still involve a time consuming fixation on food, training, and so on.

My relationship with food has been gradually worsening the last two months. before i found out I was pregnant I was preciously close to a relapse. And once I lost the baby, it seemed like my mind and body went right back to that awful place. The closest to healthy I've been was when i was regularly lifting, so I've determined I really need to get back to that while I still have the awareness to make those steps.