Wife jokes...

[Russian KGB]

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished!
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

[CipherLock]

12

 

[Russian KGB]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

 

[ChefWide]

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"You cooked it, YOU take it out."

 

[Deterass]

You now how to fix the dishwasher when it quits working?
Slap her!

 

[Russian KGB]

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to the wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, he measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

 

[ohashi]

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"You cooked it, YOU take it out."

 

[Deus Ex Machina]

I lost 130 pounds (divorce)

 

[magman1]

what do all housewives who are beaten have in common?


they just never fuckin listen!