Tell A Joke

[KIAN]

Just something to help brighten-up your day.

excuse the language


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train ... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say ... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue ... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added,























"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[Lestat]

Just something to help brighten-up your day.

excuse the language


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train ... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say ... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue ... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added,























"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

ha... this one did make me smile.

 

[SoreArms]

Here's a TREKie joke foryou nerds

what do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?


They both circle Uranus looking for Clingons

 

[scriptfactory]

Here's a TREKie joke foryou nerds

what do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?


They both circle Uranus looking for Clingons

Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap...

Edit: Dude, this is a fucking Napoleon Dynamite quote! You are going DOWN Lestat!!!

 

[CFZB]

A dyslexic man walking into a bra...........

 

[CrazyRussian]

Your life

moron

 

[wootoom]

Your life

moron

lol

 

[CFZB]

But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!


------------------------------------------------------------------------


There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a
question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than Americans say our country is on the right track. Boy, there’s a campaign slogan for you -- 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!


------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a speech yesterday, President Bush said it is critical that the president speak both clearly and consistently. Then, immediately afterwards, Bush resigned


------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.




Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented.


------------------------------------------------------------------------


A tragic and sad fire is reported to have destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

BOTH of his books have been lost.

Sources close to the president report he is really quite devastated...

Apparently he had not finished colouring in the second one.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


George Bush visited a school to see if he was still popular among the youth of America. He held a short speech and asked some children if they had any questions for him.

Little Bob raised his hand and said: "I have three questions.
1) How did you win the election even though you had fewer votes?
2) Why did you attack Iraq without the backing of the UN?
3) Do you agree with me, that the bombing of Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist action of the last century?"

At that point the bell rings and all children run out of the classroom. After 5 minutes all the children are back inside and Bush again asks the children if there are any questions they would like to ask.

This time Joe raises his hand and says he has five questions:
1) How did you win the election even though you only came second?
2) Why did you attack Iraq without the backing of the UN?
3) Do you agree with Bob and me, that the bombing of Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist action of the last century?
4) Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?
5) Where is Bob?


------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush has indicated that when Iraq has been secured, he intends splitting the country into three provinces:

LEADED, UNLEADED and DIESEL.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


President Bush has indicated that when Iraq has been secured, he intends splitting the country into three provinces:

LEADED, UNLEADED and DIESEL.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know the world is changing when: the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France thinks the US is arrogant and Germany doesn't want to go to war...

 

[SoreArms]

what the hell is "decroded"

 

[Lestat]

Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap...

Edit: Dude, this is a fucking Napoleon Dynamite quote! You are going DOWN Lestat!!!

lol

 

[scriptfactory]

what the hell is "decroded"

I have no idea... Ask Napoleon.

 

[hanselthecaretaker]

Quick Joke 1
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”



- www.ebaumsworld.com

 

[DIVISION]

Here's a TREKie joke foryou nerds

what do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?


They both circle Uranus looking for Clingons

Diamonbacks took over 1st place in the NL West.

Holla at me when ya' see me, nugga.




DIV

 

[showtime2004]

So a priest is in the middle of taking confessions and really had to piss. So he sticks his head out the back of the confessional booth and looks around to see who's there. He sees the janitor standing there mopping the floor and says "Hey Frank, come in here and take confessions while I go piss, just give everyone 3 hail marys and send them on thier way". Frank says "ok father", and the priest goes to the bathroom. So a man walks into the confessional and the coversation goes like this"

Man: forgive me father for I have sinned
Janitor: tell me your sins my son.
Man: well father, I got a blowjob from someone who wasn't my wife.

At this point, the janitor thinks to himself that 3 hail mary's is way to light a sentance for this guy. So he looks out the back of the confessional and sees an alter boy standing there. He says to the alterboy, "hey kid, what does the father usually give for a blowjob?" The alterboy looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and says "I dunno, maybe a snickers bar or a can of coke".

 

[JayC9]

A young boy goes down to the basement where his grandfather is busy working.

The boy keeps asking, "grandfather, grandfather show me a magic trick."
The granfather replies, "bugger off will you, I'm busy."

After the third time the grandfather is getting annoyed so he decides to show the boy a magic trick.

The grandfather says, "OK....what I want you to do is turn around, bend over and pull your pants down. The boy does just that. "OK.....now I'm going to put my finger in your ass.....can you feel my finger in your ass?"

The boy replies, "yes grandfather but how is this a magic trick?"

The grandfather replies, "DADAAAA!!.....look no hands!"